Over the past few months everything in my life has changed. Stability is now uncertainty, dead relationships are now bursting with life, dating has become 'serious relationship', independence is now a goal and comfort has only been around with drug induced assistance.
I pray to a God that I know in my heart is there, yet most of the time I feel numb to where He is. I act like everything my boyfriend does affects me, when in reality I am just lonely and worried he's leaving me behind. My responsiblities and clout I once had at the workplace are now not needed. In all of these moments I have lost myself in being the victim. My heart has not been focusing on the proper things and therefore I have lost my sense of self.
The past week or so my mind saw the glimmer of hope it once had. Hope in being independent again, hope in what God will do in my life and hope that through my misery someone can find peace. I am glad that I am starting to get back to my own sense of self where I don't need work, a boyfriend or money to make me happy. These things all add to joy of life, but I need to be okay alone, where I am at, or else I won't be okay anywhere else.
It's been 16 weeks so far and I know I have such a long journey to go. I pray I am reminded of this joy that comes when it's me with God and the rest is just icing to my cake.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
To persevere
The past week of my life has been hard. I go through spurts where I have good weeks with what seems like a lot of progress and then I have set back weeks where I am reminded that I have a long way to go.
I went to the doctor last week because of some weird swelling and infections around a few of my pins. They have confirmed the infection and it's just a waiting game for the swelling to go down. In the meantime I have done something to jolt my knee muscles so badly that I have been on bed rest since Sunday. I sit around during odd hours of the night, because I can't sleep due to pain, and I wonder..
I have always been told that the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. But as I sit here feeling my heartbeat through my throbbing knee, wondering when it will stop, I kind of feel like I am at wits end. I honestly don't know how much I can handle. I pray for the end, I pray the days go by fast and the pain is removed, I pray for strength to endure all of this..but it never seems to lighten up. Just when I am starting to put pressure on my leg, boom. I'm on bed rest again. Just when I think financially I won't have to borrow money for the month, boom. I get screwed over on my prescriptions and have to fork out more than expected. Little things add up that just knock any sense of confidence in my 8 weeks of perseverance out of existence.
Sometimes I just want to shout about how frustrated I am. I want to put people straight when they complain about little things, I want to yell at them for not seeing their blessings. Because as I am sitting in my bed I have a hard time seeing mine right now but I see clearly what others can't. I resist all of those temptations because I know I don't have it as bad as some. And reminding myself that keeps all of my pain and frustration in check. That's how I will continue to persevere. Knowing that my situation isn't the worst it can be, that people are more pathetic than I, and it hurts and humbles me to say that. We all must persevere.
I went to the doctor last week because of some weird swelling and infections around a few of my pins. They have confirmed the infection and it's just a waiting game for the swelling to go down. In the meantime I have done something to jolt my knee muscles so badly that I have been on bed rest since Sunday. I sit around during odd hours of the night, because I can't sleep due to pain, and I wonder..
I have always been told that the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. But as I sit here feeling my heartbeat through my throbbing knee, wondering when it will stop, I kind of feel like I am at wits end. I honestly don't know how much I can handle. I pray for the end, I pray the days go by fast and the pain is removed, I pray for strength to endure all of this..but it never seems to lighten up. Just when I am starting to put pressure on my leg, boom. I'm on bed rest again. Just when I think financially I won't have to borrow money for the month, boom. I get screwed over on my prescriptions and have to fork out more than expected. Little things add up that just knock any sense of confidence in my 8 weeks of perseverance out of existence.
Sometimes I just want to shout about how frustrated I am. I want to put people straight when they complain about little things, I want to yell at them for not seeing their blessings. Because as I am sitting in my bed I have a hard time seeing mine right now but I see clearly what others can't. I resist all of those temptations because I know I don't have it as bad as some. And reminding myself that keeps all of my pain and frustration in check. That's how I will continue to persevere. Knowing that my situation isn't the worst it can be, that people are more pathetic than I, and it hurts and humbles me to say that. We all must persevere.
Monday, July 19, 2010
On the Road
When I get in any car I have a period of time that I use to adjust. I get nervous, sometimes nauseous, all in all am scared for the possibility of another accident. Last Saturday I got so disturbed from the inside out I started crying.
I was in my friend's car on the way to pick up Jason for a birthday party. We were driving down Allen Rd when we hit the stop light on the bottom of the hill. To our right there was a guy, mid to late 20s on a crotch rocket. He had a helmet, that was attached to the side of his bike (good place for it, idiot) His hair reminded me of a Malibu Ken doll and he was clearly trying to be impressive on his bike. He kept revving his engine while we were stopped and he kept creeping up to the car ahead of him. Once the light turned green he sped in and out of the cars and eventually pulled in front of us. We hit the stoplight at Allen and War Memorial, and the twerp was in front of us. As he went to stop at the light, he did an inverted wheeley. His bike was horizontal and thats when my gut started to turn. This kid had no idea that as he was looking around at all the cars around him making sure they were watching him do his tricks that when he looked at me all I felt was disgust, not admiration.
I started processing the reality that there are people out there with death-wishes, doing flips being irresponsible and they get their life and maybe a little admiration from the ones who see them. While Jason and I were being as careful as can be minding our own business and had to fight for our lives. I wanted to drive by and lift up my leg and say, "Real impressive mother f**er but keep it up and this is what you're going to cause." I understand that would have been totally uncalled for, but at the same time the disgust inside wanted to do something to slap him into reality and have him understand that one day he won't be invincible and neither would the people he could injure. I wonder if I will always feel this way.
PS: Kid, Malibu Ken called and wants his haircut back. Douche.
I was in my friend's car on the way to pick up Jason for a birthday party. We were driving down Allen Rd when we hit the stop light on the bottom of the hill. To our right there was a guy, mid to late 20s on a crotch rocket. He had a helmet, that was attached to the side of his bike (good place for it, idiot) His hair reminded me of a Malibu Ken doll and he was clearly trying to be impressive on his bike. He kept revving his engine while we were stopped and he kept creeping up to the car ahead of him. Once the light turned green he sped in and out of the cars and eventually pulled in front of us. We hit the stoplight at Allen and War Memorial, and the twerp was in front of us. As he went to stop at the light, he did an inverted wheeley. His bike was horizontal and thats when my gut started to turn. This kid had no idea that as he was looking around at all the cars around him making sure they were watching him do his tricks that when he looked at me all I felt was disgust, not admiration.
I started processing the reality that there are people out there with death-wishes, doing flips being irresponsible and they get their life and maybe a little admiration from the ones who see them. While Jason and I were being as careful as can be minding our own business and had to fight for our lives. I wanted to drive by and lift up my leg and say, "Real impressive mother f**er but keep it up and this is what you're going to cause." I understand that would have been totally uncalled for, but at the same time the disgust inside wanted to do something to slap him into reality and have him understand that one day he won't be invincible and neither would the people he could injure. I wonder if I will always feel this way.
PS: Kid, Malibu Ken called and wants his haircut back. Douche.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Behind closed doors
So it's been awhile since my last blogpost for a few reasons. I will admit I've had a few ideas I wanted to write about but in all honesty it's tough to let the real come out. Since the accident I have tried to keep a positive attitude and grace throughout the weeks of agony. As the medication is dimishing and the reality of my life is sinking in, the days get tougher to get through.
Everyone around me has a life that is continuing while mine has been on hold for 6 weeks and will continue this way for about 6 more weeks. Every week I got strong enough to handle whatever surgery or procedure they did, the next week I had yet another to heal from. I started over every single week. As I have had two weeks since my last surgery the exhaustion is every day. I have never been at a point in life when I pray the days to go by quickly. When I do minimal activity I get exhausted and need to take a nap. I am no where near involved as much as I used to be and I do not feel I am contributing to society.
So let's just say that behind closed doors I am not as positive all the time as I am when I have company.
Everyone around me has a life that is continuing while mine has been on hold for 6 weeks and will continue this way for about 6 more weeks. Every week I got strong enough to handle whatever surgery or procedure they did, the next week I had yet another to heal from. I started over every single week. As I have had two weeks since my last surgery the exhaustion is every day. I have never been at a point in life when I pray the days to go by quickly. When I do minimal activity I get exhausted and need to take a nap. I am no where near involved as much as I used to be and I do not feel I am contributing to society.
So let's just say that behind closed doors I am not as positive all the time as I am when I have company.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
A few years ago I was in the market for a new car. During my search I test drove quite a few different cars, and it was like clockwork that for days after I drove the car I would see that same type driving all over town. Since I've been in my accident I have had been told of at least 6 additional motorcycle accidents.
My dad has been calling me every day since my accident, if he's not there with me. Last night he was on call (he's an EMT) and his chief came to talk to him about his friend. About a week after my accident, my dad's friend was riding through town on his motorcycle (without a helmet) and a kid crossed the center line and took him out. Immediately after this guy was talking with the emergency crew and holding conversations. It was when he was at the hospital that his brain started swelling and he now has a 20% chance of living.
My friends and I joke around because I have no verbal filter and very little emotional feeling while on my medication. But as my dad was telling me this story, I actually felt heartbreak. Tears came down my face and it made me realize, "That should have been me." There is no logical reason why Jason and I are able to live the way we do now after the type of accident we had. We fought for our lives on the scene and in the hospital during our stays, but now we are in the middle of recovery. It is crazy to think that a man who was in a very similar accident now is looking at death, just a few weeks after his accident.
I want to live a life to reflect this gratitude. And I will pray for every family that ever has to be put in a situation like ours.
My dad has been calling me every day since my accident, if he's not there with me. Last night he was on call (he's an EMT) and his chief came to talk to him about his friend. About a week after my accident, my dad's friend was riding through town on his motorcycle (without a helmet) and a kid crossed the center line and took him out. Immediately after this guy was talking with the emergency crew and holding conversations. It was when he was at the hospital that his brain started swelling and he now has a 20% chance of living.
My friends and I joke around because I have no verbal filter and very little emotional feeling while on my medication. But as my dad was telling me this story, I actually felt heartbreak. Tears came down my face and it made me realize, "That should have been me." There is no logical reason why Jason and I are able to live the way we do now after the type of accident we had. We fought for our lives on the scene and in the hospital during our stays, but now we are in the middle of recovery. It is crazy to think that a man who was in a very similar accident now is looking at death, just a few weeks after his accident.
I want to live a life to reflect this gratitude. And I will pray for every family that ever has to be put in a situation like ours.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Faith
As I sit here the night before phase 1 of my surgeries, mentally preparing for the start of a long journey, I can't help but just cry. I have always been a very independent person that no matter the situation, good or bad, I took responsibility for myself. I accepted any consequence with my head held high because that's what personal responsibility leads you to do. This is not a situation where I can do that. I didn't do anything to cause all of this, none of this was my fault. Yet Jason and I will continue to suffer through doctors appointments, surgeries, social anxiety, continual discomfort for some unknown reason.
I have tried to keep the question "Why" out of my vocabulary. It has always been a question that will most likely go unanswered during our time on earth and especially with the severity of our accident, even if we get an answer, I don't know if it would make everything okay. But as everyone continues to live their life just like they were, Jason and I face new challenges daily. Something as simple as showering or even going to the bathroom has become a chore. We have only been dating a few months but we can't even act like a newly dating couple. Cuddling only lasts for a short while before one of us gets uncomfortable or my leg gets hit or something that stops our affection. To ask "Why" seems like such a solid question because none of this makes sense. We decided on day 1 after we survived both of our emergency surgeries that we would never be victims. I will admit though that the further along this journey we go, that fight to remain humble and not angry gets harder.
Being independent you get a sense of control of this unpredictable life. My control in predicting recovery, handling work projects, deciding when I leave the house and sometimes even eating has been lost. I truly feel as if my life right now depends on the work of others. Coming from a situation where people have always been a let down that is a bit unnerving. I have surgery tomorrow morning that will hopefully start the recovery process for my leg. My surgeon is very admirable, but he's also human and may not be able to fix me. Reality sinks in and I have to believe in my heart that no matter what the outcome is after tomorrows procedure and ones down the road that this man will do anything in his power.
I don't have answers and I don't have control, but I guess what I can cling to is my faith. Faith that one day Jason and I will get an answer to the question we will hide deep in our hearts for the rest of our lives. Faith that someone might be saved or changed from our story. Faith that the doctor will be able to stop the infection and start reconstructing my leg. Faith that one day Jason and I can date in a normal setting, not one that requires us to get rides to see each other. I hope to always keep that faith.
I have tried to keep the question "Why" out of my vocabulary. It has always been a question that will most likely go unanswered during our time on earth and especially with the severity of our accident, even if we get an answer, I don't know if it would make everything okay. But as everyone continues to live their life just like they were, Jason and I face new challenges daily. Something as simple as showering or even going to the bathroom has become a chore. We have only been dating a few months but we can't even act like a newly dating couple. Cuddling only lasts for a short while before one of us gets uncomfortable or my leg gets hit or something that stops our affection. To ask "Why" seems like such a solid question because none of this makes sense. We decided on day 1 after we survived both of our emergency surgeries that we would never be victims. I will admit though that the further along this journey we go, that fight to remain humble and not angry gets harder.
Being independent you get a sense of control of this unpredictable life. My control in predicting recovery, handling work projects, deciding when I leave the house and sometimes even eating has been lost. I truly feel as if my life right now depends on the work of others. Coming from a situation where people have always been a let down that is a bit unnerving. I have surgery tomorrow morning that will hopefully start the recovery process for my leg. My surgeon is very admirable, but he's also human and may not be able to fix me. Reality sinks in and I have to believe in my heart that no matter what the outcome is after tomorrows procedure and ones down the road that this man will do anything in his power.
I don't have answers and I don't have control, but I guess what I can cling to is my faith. Faith that one day Jason and I will get an answer to the question we will hide deep in our hearts for the rest of our lives. Faith that someone might be saved or changed from our story. Faith that the doctor will be able to stop the infection and start reconstructing my leg. Faith that one day Jason and I can date in a normal setting, not one that requires us to get rides to see each other. I hope to always keep that faith.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Roll with the punches
I've always been a very structured and schedule orientated person. For a living I run on schedules of meetings and I am mostly dependent on myself to make sure I get wherever on time. One of the many things I am learning during these weeks of being laid up is how to be okay with rolling with the punches.
The biggest hold up to being able to let life happen is the idea we cling on to that we need to have control or have planned everything. In the grand scheme of things, we are all merely pawns in this world we call life. As a shut-in I am at the mercy of any kind friend that can take me places and feed me. Its a tough reality, but nothing I do can change that status. No matter how many schedules or strategies I put in place, I have to be okay if things don't really happen my way. Very humbling.
I went to the doctor Friday and found out things weren't healing as we'd hoped. My skin tissue didn't reattach itself and has started to decompose. Hearing that news was sobering, but I believe God has been working on my heart to let go and realize that I have to roll with the punches. Let the doctors do their work and just continue living every day until something begins to go right.
The biggest hold up to being able to let life happen is the idea we cling on to that we need to have control or have planned everything. In the grand scheme of things, we are all merely pawns in this world we call life. As a shut-in I am at the mercy of any kind friend that can take me places and feed me. Its a tough reality, but nothing I do can change that status. No matter how many schedules or strategies I put in place, I have to be okay if things don't really happen my way. Very humbling.
I went to the doctor Friday and found out things weren't healing as we'd hoped. My skin tissue didn't reattach itself and has started to decompose. Hearing that news was sobering, but I believe God has been working on my heart to let go and realize that I have to roll with the punches. Let the doctors do their work and just continue living every day until something begins to go right.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Life is different
With the hustle and bustle of being in the hospital for a week you tend to feel like a local celebrity. Doctors, nurses, and even hospital staff had heard of Jasons and my story throughout the week and came to send their prayers and kind thoughts. We had friends and family coming to see us and offering anything they can to help us on our healing journey. I've been home from the hospital for awhile now and Jason gets to go home today. I am not sure when it will hit him, but on Sunday it hit me that my life is now different.
Weekends were our chance to just spend time together. Jason and I have a very grueling schedule during the week and we purposely save weekends to be with each other. Typically Sunday night we spend lounging on the couch together just resting from the week and preparing for the week ahead. This Sunday was very difficult. My friends went boating, one of my favorite pasttimes, and I went to the hospital for about an hour before I got too tired and needed to sleep. I layed around by myself, while my boyfriend was laying in his hospital bed. Life was different.
As the week continued I spend a lot more time by myself, with my thoughts, but it's only at night that it gets hard. We never really had sleepovers, but it's a time when I feel most vulnerable. I miss him. I miss being able to just lay and watch a movie. Even when he gets released, both of our injuries are on the same side so cuddling would be extremely difficult. I just never want to take what I have for granted, because you never know how much you'll miss it when its gone.
Life will be different for quite a while.
Weekends were our chance to just spend time together. Jason and I have a very grueling schedule during the week and we purposely save weekends to be with each other. Typically Sunday night we spend lounging on the couch together just resting from the week and preparing for the week ahead. This Sunday was very difficult. My friends went boating, one of my favorite pasttimes, and I went to the hospital for about an hour before I got too tired and needed to sleep. I layed around by myself, while my boyfriend was laying in his hospital bed. Life was different.
As the week continued I spend a lot more time by myself, with my thoughts, but it's only at night that it gets hard. We never really had sleepovers, but it's a time when I feel most vulnerable. I miss him. I miss being able to just lay and watch a movie. Even when he gets released, both of our injuries are on the same side so cuddling would be extremely difficult. I just never want to take what I have for granted, because you never know how much you'll miss it when its gone.
Life will be different for quite a while.
Monday, June 14, 2010
A second chance
About a week ago my boyfriend and I were spending a nice Sunday together. We were going to go to lunch, stop by my place and go to Elmwood to check out the tornado damage from the night before. Since it was a beautiful and sunny day, we decided to take his motorcycle. Little did we know that two blocks away from his house our lives have changed forever.
We were driving slowly through an intersection where we had the right-of-way and all of a sudden a car that had blown through a stop sign took us out. Life happened so strangely from the moment we were struck. It didn't seem like real life. I remember flipping towards my left side and hitting a few things before finally landing. I will spare you all the gory details, but from the moment we both looked at each other and knew the other would be fighting, there was a peace that calmed us both. After what seemed like hours of slow breathing and blurred focus I finally arrived to OSF's Trauma room.
This past week of surgeries, visitors, doctors, non-stop nurse visits, physical therapy, tears, flowers and so much more have really opened my eyes to what life is all about. He and I have grown so much as a couple and know that both together and individually we have a long journey to fight through. Through this journey I will be writing my realizations that hopefully will help you all see that today, accident or not, can be your second chance.
We were driving slowly through an intersection where we had the right-of-way and all of a sudden a car that had blown through a stop sign took us out. Life happened so strangely from the moment we were struck. It didn't seem like real life. I remember flipping towards my left side and hitting a few things before finally landing. I will spare you all the gory details, but from the moment we both looked at each other and knew the other would be fighting, there was a peace that calmed us both. After what seemed like hours of slow breathing and blurred focus I finally arrived to OSF's Trauma room.
This past week of surgeries, visitors, doctors, non-stop nurse visits, physical therapy, tears, flowers and so much more have really opened my eyes to what life is all about. He and I have grown so much as a couple and know that both together and individually we have a long journey to fight through. Through this journey I will be writing my realizations that hopefully will help you all see that today, accident or not, can be your second chance.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
She got it from her mamma
So this whole dating experience has been quite interesting for me. Not only do I have a lot to learn about myself, but I have a lot to learn about my expectations as well. It's not as easy as I thought to love unconditionally as well as feel deserving of the adoration I receive. This past Sunday we took a giant step, not necessarily for him, but for me. I introduced him to my family. Disclaimer: I haven't introduced a boyfriend to my family since high school.
Before I begin with details I would tell anyone that the biggest challenge of this relationship is the way we view life. We both believe in God and love others as Jesus did. I always worry what people will think and in doing so I act like the person that I feel everyone will respect. He's more carefree and more genuine when it comes to personality. So if we were to make a comparison, I am the 'good girl' he's the 'rebel'.
We decided mothers day was the best time to make the introductions. Both of my sisters and their families were coming into town and my grandparents would be at my moms as well. His sister and her family were planning dinner at his moms, so needless to say we both ate a lot on Mothers Day! We got to my moms house around 12:30 or so and the drinking began. Laughing, drinking, horsing around with the kids, belittling each other, just being the typical family I've always known. He was pretty quiet, probably just observing. (Definitely made a good impression on my mom by talking History with her..) All in all, I was happy with the introduction.
We left to go to his mom's house where I wasn't quite sure what I'd find. We walk out back and his mom, sister, and brother in law were playing cards and drinking lemonade. They immediately welcomed me in and got to know me. We all set the dinner table together, shared laughs and afterwards played cards again. His mom was showing me scrap books and including me in all the stories they were sharing. As we left his mom hugged me and welcomed me back anytime.
It caused me to really think about my perspective of who I am and where I came from. I work so hard to have people see me with my 'shit together'. Yet I fall short of loving people and being who I know I should be all the time. This guy loves people and would do anything for anyone and clearly gets his sincerity from his supportive family. I kind of felt like it should have been flip-flopped; he came from my family, I came from his. All this to say, I am continually learning more about myself than I ever thought I would from a guy whom I wasn't going to give a chance.
Before I begin with details I would tell anyone that the biggest challenge of this relationship is the way we view life. We both believe in God and love others as Jesus did. I always worry what people will think and in doing so I act like the person that I feel everyone will respect. He's more carefree and more genuine when it comes to personality. So if we were to make a comparison, I am the 'good girl' he's the 'rebel'.
We decided mothers day was the best time to make the introductions. Both of my sisters and their families were coming into town and my grandparents would be at my moms as well. His sister and her family were planning dinner at his moms, so needless to say we both ate a lot on Mothers Day! We got to my moms house around 12:30 or so and the drinking began. Laughing, drinking, horsing around with the kids, belittling each other, just being the typical family I've always known. He was pretty quiet, probably just observing. (Definitely made a good impression on my mom by talking History with her..) All in all, I was happy with the introduction.
We left to go to his mom's house where I wasn't quite sure what I'd find. We walk out back and his mom, sister, and brother in law were playing cards and drinking lemonade. They immediately welcomed me in and got to know me. We all set the dinner table together, shared laughs and afterwards played cards again. His mom was showing me scrap books and including me in all the stories they were sharing. As we left his mom hugged me and welcomed me back anytime.
It caused me to really think about my perspective of who I am and where I came from. I work so hard to have people see me with my 'shit together'. Yet I fall short of loving people and being who I know I should be all the time. This guy loves people and would do anything for anyone and clearly gets his sincerity from his supportive family. I kind of felt like it should have been flip-flopped; he came from my family, I came from his. All this to say, I am continually learning more about myself than I ever thought I would from a guy whom I wasn't going to give a chance.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Painful Realization
It's no surprise to those who know me to say I am a very picky dater. There once was a guy that was interested in me a few years back who was very nice and solid in his faith. After weeks of talking to each other, he showed up at a church service to meet me for the first time. Immediately I was turned off simply because he wore boots and tucked his t-shirt into his jeans and after that night we never spoke again. It became a joke about how harsh my judgement was but the severity of that problem wasn't clear until now.
For the past few months there has been someone pursing a relationship with me that I have kept at an arms distance. To be honest he's got a wonderful heart, a great job, makes me laugh every day, communicates and would do just about anything for me. All of those things are great characteristics, but until this past week I have never allowed him a chance. Why? All because of superficial things. This guy has a passion for life by making others laugh and not caring how people see him. This equates to being the jokester or 'center of attention' at times. I realize today that I get embarrassed because I am afraid of what people will think of me when I'm with him. A majority of his outfits are awful. He does not care to have a sense of style. And it doesn't bother him to make sure he's always presentable. I was forced to grow up and be professional at a young age, so I was always taught to care about what others see. What does that say about me when I'm seen with him?
Being my age and single it's very hard to find someone that fits the bill. But when I find someone with minor flaws that are changeable, I think to myself, is it worth it? The potential embarrassment, the patience needed while old habits are broken, and the humility I would need to be able to act like a kid again...do I have it in me?
I want others to see me as the fun-loving, genuine, giving, caring person that does not pass judgement. But as I sit there with someone who is just that, I am embarrassed. Shame on me.
For the past few months there has been someone pursing a relationship with me that I have kept at an arms distance. To be honest he's got a wonderful heart, a great job, makes me laugh every day, communicates and would do just about anything for me. All of those things are great characteristics, but until this past week I have never allowed him a chance. Why? All because of superficial things. This guy has a passion for life by making others laugh and not caring how people see him. This equates to being the jokester or 'center of attention' at times. I realize today that I get embarrassed because I am afraid of what people will think of me when I'm with him. A majority of his outfits are awful. He does not care to have a sense of style. And it doesn't bother him to make sure he's always presentable. I was forced to grow up and be professional at a young age, so I was always taught to care about what others see. What does that say about me when I'm seen with him?
Being my age and single it's very hard to find someone that fits the bill. But when I find someone with minor flaws that are changeable, I think to myself, is it worth it? The potential embarrassment, the patience needed while old habits are broken, and the humility I would need to be able to act like a kid again...do I have it in me?
I want others to see me as the fun-loving, genuine, giving, caring person that does not pass judgement. But as I sit there with someone who is just that, I am embarrassed. Shame on me.
Monday, March 29, 2010
An alteration of the mind..
I get on roller-coasters of reading kicks. The past month or so I have gotten on again and decided to read books that others have recommended. Typically I have selective people that I will follow their reading advice, but the past month I have read two, and am in the middle of one book from overheard conversations. Strangely enough all 3 books have a similar theme that has stirred my brain into wanting to live a different life.
The first book I read, by recommendation of a fellow Young Life volunteer, was called "Same Kind of Different as Me" by Ron Hall and Denver Moore. It tells a story of how two very different people whose views on life were very different, yet God uses their friendship to reveal Himself. I felt the urge to serve others after reading this book, with the understanding that in reality I have no understanding beyond my own experience or assumption. There's a whole world out there in which I am so closed off.
The second book has made its way around our church community and I finally had the desire to read it. "Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne allowed me to continue my thought process on serving others and the world outside of my comprehension. A few weird things happened as I was reading his book. Primarily the government decided to vote for the Healthcare Reform which stirs a lot of emotions for someone who is caught in the middle. Working for a small business owner and knowing the taxes of what goes into a program like that, but on the flip side my heart is starting to desire a different way of living for myself. An unselfish way of life. Plus it started getting me thinking of actually having a stance on politics instead of just being so lackadaisical about the topic.
The second incidence that happened while reading this book has been running through my mind for about a week and a half. The other Sunday I had the pleasure of serving breakfast to the less fortunate. It was my duty to play 'bouncer' at the door due to the fire code needing to be enforced. I got to interact with a lot of our homeless friends that day because i got to welcome them as they walked in and give them best wishes as they left. There was one gentleman that wasn't talking to many people that particular morning and so as he walked out I decided to look him in the eye and tell him "Good Morning". He snuffed my comment and went out, later I saw he came back in and headed right to me. For the second time that morning I noticed two tear drops tattooed on his face. With the limited knowledge I have about gangs or south side lifestyles, I do know that a tattoo of a tear drop is to represent how many people one has killed. So as this gentleman walked towards me he opened his arms as if he was going to hug me. I panicked and went out to shake his hand and then for a minute or so we did this awkward shuffle dance as I was not ready to commit to a hug. In retrospect I do not know why I wasn't willing to hug him. It was fear that ran my mind and body at that moment and for the past week and a half it's been bothering me. I am ashamed in knowing that I was afraid of showing someone that they are cared about with an embrace, yet I'd get up early to serve that same man breakfast? I hugged at least 15 people that day at church yet I couldn't get myself to hug him? What if that hug was something that could change his life? This went to show me that as I am in transition and have grown a lot, I still have a lot to learn. My instinct should be to serve anyone that needs anything even if it is just a hug.
I watched the Blind Side the other night, and at the very end of the movie they talked about the lifestyle of some kids and how if they just are given a chance they might make a difference. I pray that eventually my thoughts and actions be like Jesus and people walk away from interacting with me different. Different because of Him.
The third book in case you are wondering is called "An Altar in the World" by Barbara Brown Taylor, a recommendation by my mother. I am only two chapters in but I can already tell the theme will continue.
The first book I read, by recommendation of a fellow Young Life volunteer, was called "Same Kind of Different as Me" by Ron Hall and Denver Moore. It tells a story of how two very different people whose views on life were very different, yet God uses their friendship to reveal Himself. I felt the urge to serve others after reading this book, with the understanding that in reality I have no understanding beyond my own experience or assumption. There's a whole world out there in which I am so closed off.
The second book has made its way around our church community and I finally had the desire to read it. "Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne allowed me to continue my thought process on serving others and the world outside of my comprehension. A few weird things happened as I was reading his book. Primarily the government decided to vote for the Healthcare Reform which stirs a lot of emotions for someone who is caught in the middle. Working for a small business owner and knowing the taxes of what goes into a program like that, but on the flip side my heart is starting to desire a different way of living for myself. An unselfish way of life. Plus it started getting me thinking of actually having a stance on politics instead of just being so lackadaisical about the topic.
The second incidence that happened while reading this book has been running through my mind for about a week and a half. The other Sunday I had the pleasure of serving breakfast to the less fortunate. It was my duty to play 'bouncer' at the door due to the fire code needing to be enforced. I got to interact with a lot of our homeless friends that day because i got to welcome them as they walked in and give them best wishes as they left. There was one gentleman that wasn't talking to many people that particular morning and so as he walked out I decided to look him in the eye and tell him "Good Morning". He snuffed my comment and went out, later I saw he came back in and headed right to me. For the second time that morning I noticed two tear drops tattooed on his face. With the limited knowledge I have about gangs or south side lifestyles, I do know that a tattoo of a tear drop is to represent how many people one has killed. So as this gentleman walked towards me he opened his arms as if he was going to hug me. I panicked and went out to shake his hand and then for a minute or so we did this awkward shuffle dance as I was not ready to commit to a hug. In retrospect I do not know why I wasn't willing to hug him. It was fear that ran my mind and body at that moment and for the past week and a half it's been bothering me. I am ashamed in knowing that I was afraid of showing someone that they are cared about with an embrace, yet I'd get up early to serve that same man breakfast? I hugged at least 15 people that day at church yet I couldn't get myself to hug him? What if that hug was something that could change his life? This went to show me that as I am in transition and have grown a lot, I still have a lot to learn. My instinct should be to serve anyone that needs anything even if it is just a hug.
I watched the Blind Side the other night, and at the very end of the movie they talked about the lifestyle of some kids and how if they just are given a chance they might make a difference. I pray that eventually my thoughts and actions be like Jesus and people walk away from interacting with me different. Different because of Him.
The third book in case you are wondering is called "An Altar in the World" by Barbara Brown Taylor, a recommendation by my mother. I am only two chapters in but I can already tell the theme will continue.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Where am I?
The question Where am I? tends to have a very surfacing meaning. Walking into a weird place, getting lost in directions but as I have reached a quarter of a century old I find myself asking that question a lot. Let me explain.
I have a lot of friends from high school or college that have moved across the country, some even overseas. They have great new lives experiencing wonderful new things. I see pictures of fabulous trips they are taking and the wonderful explorations their new friends or significant others are taking with them. I on the other hand chose a different path. After high school I stayed in town and went to Bradley. After I graduated I tossed around the idea of moving out west but never pulled the trigger. I sit here as a 25 year old, 3 years into a career, exhausted from the same scenery and I always ask myself, "Where am I?"
I am spontaneous, I am fun, I love doing new things. Then why do I not take advantage of the uncharted territory across the country like my friends have? Instead I've stayed in the same area, within roughly a 10 mile radius of where I grew up and I run into the same people time and time again. I am forced to live vicariously through the lives of the people close to me with marriages and babies. (It seems as though over the past 21 years I have been here I have either be-friended or scared off every single male species that would be dateable.)
All in all I find myself wondering, what else is out there? I haven't had the courage or finances to explore like my friends have, but if I did, what would be in store for my life? What else could Peoria Illinois possibly have to offer me? Is there any new life here for me?
Just thoughts folks, no major plans, don't worry. :)
I have a lot of friends from high school or college that have moved across the country, some even overseas. They have great new lives experiencing wonderful new things. I see pictures of fabulous trips they are taking and the wonderful explorations their new friends or significant others are taking with them. I on the other hand chose a different path. After high school I stayed in town and went to Bradley. After I graduated I tossed around the idea of moving out west but never pulled the trigger. I sit here as a 25 year old, 3 years into a career, exhausted from the same scenery and I always ask myself, "Where am I?"
I am spontaneous, I am fun, I love doing new things. Then why do I not take advantage of the uncharted territory across the country like my friends have? Instead I've stayed in the same area, within roughly a 10 mile radius of where I grew up and I run into the same people time and time again. I am forced to live vicariously through the lives of the people close to me with marriages and babies. (It seems as though over the past 21 years I have been here I have either be-friended or scared off every single male species that would be dateable.)
All in all I find myself wondering, what else is out there? I haven't had the courage or finances to explore like my friends have, but if I did, what would be in store for my life? What else could Peoria Illinois possibly have to offer me? Is there any new life here for me?
Just thoughts folks, no major plans, don't worry. :)
Monday, March 08, 2010
Unworthy
I haven't attended a church service in two weeks. I won't be at church this Sunday. The weird thing is that although I haven't been surrounding myself with Godly messages or sermons, my life has felt unsettled with thought. I am not falling off the deep end by any means, but my life has been in a standstill with introspection.
My heart has been heavy the past few weeks for trials and tribulations that people in my life are facing. It seems as though cancer is the most prevalent trial, but there are also some non-lifethreatening issues at hand. Divorces, unsuccessful pregnancies, loss of jobs, etc. As my heart gets weighed down with continual prayers for them I begin to think of my life.
I've been sick the past week as most of the people I have encountered share the same frustration. I don't know what it is but no matter what I did to home-remedy the situation it didn't help. When I discovered solid as a rock lymph nodes I broke down, went to the doc-in-a-box and got myself some meds (that I am painstakingly taking 4 times a day for 10 days.) The crazy part about this story is that even before and after going to the doctor, I allowed my mind and my WEB-MD knowledge to convince myself I had cancer, benign tumors or HIV. Crazy thoughts, I know.
I was driving home tonight after watching a best friend of mine go through a challenging situation and for some reason it all seemed to click. I watch good people go through crappy situations and there's not a thing I can do except pray. I believe I allow myself to diagnose myself with these issues because if it were to happen to anyone, it should happen to me. Cancer shouldn't reappear in someone who has already fought it and been through that torture, it should happen to me. With all of the things I have done wrong and taken for granted, I have finally realized that I put myself through this mental torture because I feel I deserve it.
As God has been working in my heart and mind regarding my lifestyle and becoming a better person I wonder if there is ever a time where someone feels worthy of God's blessings? In the Bible it says to ask and expect patiently. Love God and love others and God will heap blessings unto your life. No matter how progressively I have added these aspects into my life I still feel unworthy. I am so grateful for everything I have. I wish I would have started acting like it a long time ago.
My heart has been heavy the past few weeks for trials and tribulations that people in my life are facing. It seems as though cancer is the most prevalent trial, but there are also some non-lifethreatening issues at hand. Divorces, unsuccessful pregnancies, loss of jobs, etc. As my heart gets weighed down with continual prayers for them I begin to think of my life.
I've been sick the past week as most of the people I have encountered share the same frustration. I don't know what it is but no matter what I did to home-remedy the situation it didn't help. When I discovered solid as a rock lymph nodes I broke down, went to the doc-in-a-box and got myself some meds (that I am painstakingly taking 4 times a day for 10 days.) The crazy part about this story is that even before and after going to the doctor, I allowed my mind and my WEB-MD knowledge to convince myself I had cancer, benign tumors or HIV. Crazy thoughts, I know.
I was driving home tonight after watching a best friend of mine go through a challenging situation and for some reason it all seemed to click. I watch good people go through crappy situations and there's not a thing I can do except pray. I believe I allow myself to diagnose myself with these issues because if it were to happen to anyone, it should happen to me. Cancer shouldn't reappear in someone who has already fought it and been through that torture, it should happen to me. With all of the things I have done wrong and taken for granted, I have finally realized that I put myself through this mental torture because I feel I deserve it.
As God has been working in my heart and mind regarding my lifestyle and becoming a better person I wonder if there is ever a time where someone feels worthy of God's blessings? In the Bible it says to ask and expect patiently. Love God and love others and God will heap blessings unto your life. No matter how progressively I have added these aspects into my life I still feel unworthy. I am so grateful for everything I have. I wish I would have started acting like it a long time ago.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Christian Competition
I've been talking to a lot of my friends about what Imago Dei is doing during Lent. Partially because I feel the need to explain at times why my language is more 'pure' than it usually is. The other day I met up with some friends that I haven't seen in a while and I was explaining what Imago was doing, thinking they'd understand since they are fellow believers.
Immediately my friend seemed to get defensive claiming he enjoyed the fact that his church never participates in traditions that were created by man, ie: lent. Whether it was his intention or not but he spurred me to get defensive of my faith. I felt after I had just gone through some things I was learning through our process and he immediately began talking about how his church just continues with messages and doesn't touch on subjects that aren't Biblically created.
Why is it that we get competitive when it comes to church vs church? Isn't the body of Christ supposed to be one no matter where you worship? I know Imago isn't a perfect church, sorry if I offend any readers, but for the past few years it's been there to grow me as a person just as I've needed. Isn't that what a church is supposed to do? Not spur differences among believers just because you worship at different locations.
Immediately my friend seemed to get defensive claiming he enjoyed the fact that his church never participates in traditions that were created by man, ie: lent. Whether it was his intention or not but he spurred me to get defensive of my faith. I felt after I had just gone through some things I was learning through our process and he immediately began talking about how his church just continues with messages and doesn't touch on subjects that aren't Biblically created.
Why is it that we get competitive when it comes to church vs church? Isn't the body of Christ supposed to be one no matter where you worship? I know Imago isn't a perfect church, sorry if I offend any readers, but for the past few years it's been there to grow me as a person just as I've needed. Isn't that what a church is supposed to do? Not spur differences among believers just because you worship at different locations.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Life Lesson
I am now a firm believer that we go through lessons in life that grow us personally, spiritually and sometimes professionally. I have gone through my share of mistakes and rough bouts in life that I have definitely grown from. The lessons may not be crystal clear but at least the trials that I have gone through to get to the purpose have been short enough where I don't feel as though I was drowning.
Lately I have been wondering what lesson I am supposed to be learning. Marriages around me are falling apart, infidelity seems to be a common practice, people are getting second and third chances at marriage and my mind gets lost in possibilities that are always dead-ended. It feels as though it's me against the world.
My prayer life has strengthened immensely and I believe now more than ever what my priorities of relationships have to be. As I am gaining confidence I keep get hitting with another test. One after another.
I was reading the book of Jonah the other day and it was talking about God giving Jonah a gourd for protection that he was so excited about yet he didn't tend to it or take care of it so it withered. That spoke to me although I am not sure what I am supposed to get from it. What else can I do besides pray when life gets hard, because it doesn't seem as though I'm getting a breath of fresh air for very long. I am molding and shaping my heart to be prepared to handle whatever "gourd' sends my way, but I still feel stuck in waiting, waiting for whatever I am supposed to learn from all of this.
Lately I have been wondering what lesson I am supposed to be learning. Marriages around me are falling apart, infidelity seems to be a common practice, people are getting second and third chances at marriage and my mind gets lost in possibilities that are always dead-ended. It feels as though it's me against the world.
My prayer life has strengthened immensely and I believe now more than ever what my priorities of relationships have to be. As I am gaining confidence I keep get hitting with another test. One after another.
I was reading the book of Jonah the other day and it was talking about God giving Jonah a gourd for protection that he was so excited about yet he didn't tend to it or take care of it so it withered. That spoke to me although I am not sure what I am supposed to get from it. What else can I do besides pray when life gets hard, because it doesn't seem as though I'm getting a breath of fresh air for very long. I am molding and shaping my heart to be prepared to handle whatever "gourd' sends my way, but I still feel stuck in waiting, waiting for whatever I am supposed to learn from all of this.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Too Preachy?
I have been dealing with a lot of adversity lately. Surprisingly it's not with me, but it's affecting the ones I care about the most. I have never been a person who is able to hide their feelings well, and so when dealing with these particular issues I don't know what to do.
I have two similar situations going on with loved ones and I don't know how to act. In both cases I have offered an outsiders perspective to the potential choices and consequences and unfortunately it has done nothing but cause rifts in both relationships. My comments are made out of love and are intended to help lead to a wise choice. But I was told today that I wouldn't be informed anymore of what goes on because she doesn't want to get scolded by me.
It got me thinking. How can we help the ones we care about most see the potential damage they can do to their lives and other's without sounding too preachy? I will be the first to admit I am in no position to judge or condemn anyone for the choices they make. If anything I have been flat on my face before because of life changing decisions and I know what it feels like. If I can prevent anyone from feeling how I felt then I will do whatever it takes. With these two relationships in particular I have lost the connection that I once had with both of them. At night my heart just cries out in prayer for them. Yet there is nothing I can do to make it better because I won't concede my beliefs.
For some reason, I was given a compassionate yet strong willed heart. I am just afraid that I will push away the people that could need my help the most because I can't turn a blind eye to what's really going on.
I have two similar situations going on with loved ones and I don't know how to act. In both cases I have offered an outsiders perspective to the potential choices and consequences and unfortunately it has done nothing but cause rifts in both relationships. My comments are made out of love and are intended to help lead to a wise choice. But I was told today that I wouldn't be informed anymore of what goes on because she doesn't want to get scolded by me.
It got me thinking. How can we help the ones we care about most see the potential damage they can do to their lives and other's without sounding too preachy? I will be the first to admit I am in no position to judge or condemn anyone for the choices they make. If anything I have been flat on my face before because of life changing decisions and I know what it feels like. If I can prevent anyone from feeling how I felt then I will do whatever it takes. With these two relationships in particular I have lost the connection that I once had with both of them. At night my heart just cries out in prayer for them. Yet there is nothing I can do to make it better because I won't concede my beliefs.
For some reason, I was given a compassionate yet strong willed heart. I am just afraid that I will push away the people that could need my help the most because I can't turn a blind eye to what's really going on.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Lent
For the past few weeks I have tossed around quite a few ideas of what I should give up for lent this year. No, I'm not Catholic, I think it's a great practice of sacrifice as we gear up for the true meaning of Easter. Last year I gave up sweets which I never really thought controlled me, but now to this day I no longer crave sweets. I want the same type of lifestyle impact this year. I thought of becoming a vegetarian for 40 days and as much as I admire my friends who do it, I can not imagine giving up meat completely, maybe next year. It wasn't until Sunday that I landed on my vice that I will condition myself to live without. Starting with 40 days but this vice I could probably do better without for a lifetime.
My friends joke around that I have a mouth of a sailor. I always have the funny "borderline appropriate" jokes and sometimes when I tell stories I may throw a swear word in for emphasis. I never thought anything was wrong with it because I know when to control it and my heart loves the Lord so why stop? The past few weeks I've notice my impact on a few of my close friends' lives. I've noticed one of them swearing more in conversation and she never really used to swear. The icing to the cake was a friend of mine making an inappropriate joke and as we were all laughing she said "Geez, I've been hanging around you too much." Even though she was joking that is what solidified my vice.
I will make a conscious effort to avoid inappropriate conversation and sacrifice a good joke to support my pure language. I know it won't be completely unavoidable due to some of my surroundings, but at that time of awkwardness for me I will be deep in prayer. I am counting on God to give me the feeling of "right and wrong" during this time because I know that will be a difficult filter to all of a sudden add to my life.
My meditation for this Lenten season is Luke 6:45
"Good people bring good things out of the good stored up in their heart, and evil people bring evil things out of the evil stored up in their heart. For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks."
My friends joke around that I have a mouth of a sailor. I always have the funny "borderline appropriate" jokes and sometimes when I tell stories I may throw a swear word in for emphasis. I never thought anything was wrong with it because I know when to control it and my heart loves the Lord so why stop? The past few weeks I've notice my impact on a few of my close friends' lives. I've noticed one of them swearing more in conversation and she never really used to swear. The icing to the cake was a friend of mine making an inappropriate joke and as we were all laughing she said "Geez, I've been hanging around you too much." Even though she was joking that is what solidified my vice.
I will make a conscious effort to avoid inappropriate conversation and sacrifice a good joke to support my pure language. I know it won't be completely unavoidable due to some of my surroundings, but at that time of awkwardness for me I will be deep in prayer. I am counting on God to give me the feeling of "right and wrong" during this time because I know that will be a difficult filter to all of a sudden add to my life.
My meditation for this Lenten season is Luke 6:45
"Good people bring good things out of the good stored up in their heart, and evil people bring evil things out of the evil stored up in their heart. For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks."
Sunday, February 07, 2010
Two of the things I am passionate about are serving others and children. At our church we have a very young congregation that keeps getting married and having children. I decided when multiple births were happening around the same time that I wanted to give a gift to those couples. I decided to offer to watch their kids as a gift for them to have a ‘date night’ when they are ready to leave the house.
I had the opportunity to serve a couple in which I see and know from church but on a personal level we really don’t know much about each other. I was a little nervous that the oldest (2 years.) would not take to me and the parents would feel guilt for leaving their children under my care. I was not prepared for what was in store.
Contrary to my belief the sweet little girl and I became instant best friends. She wanted to play with me and even wanted me to carry her around the house. As her parents left and we waved and blew kisses and the comfort seemed to stay around. We played a little and then as soon as she started crashing it was time to rock and read books.
Being new to this girl and not knowing her 2 year old ‘lingo’ I couldn’t figure out what she was wanting. The tears came and I could see her frustration because I wasn’t getting it. I tried to sound out the toddler gibberish but it just wasn’t making any sense. In her frustration she kept crying out for “mommy”. After a few minutes of decoding and toddler negotiations I realized that her blanket was downstairs. We got the blanket, read her books and rocked. As she was falling asleep she would check just to make sure I was there. I sat there rocking her and listening to her breath and began to think.
Once in a while I have times in my life where no one seems to understand me. I feel lost, confused by people around and frustration when nothing seems to be going my way. I feel a lot like that sweet little baby. She knew what would make her feel better, I just couldn’t understand. Everything finally clicked and she got her blanket and just laid close to my chest as I rocked her to sleep. She felt peace and comfort in my arms, even if I wasn’t her ‘mommy’.
Sometimes we don’t always need things to be worked out. We just need to feel the comfort of what is there even if it’s not exactly what we are wanting.
I had the opportunity to serve a couple in which I see and know from church but on a personal level we really don’t know much about each other. I was a little nervous that the oldest (2 years.) would not take to me and the parents would feel guilt for leaving their children under my care. I was not prepared for what was in store.
Contrary to my belief the sweet little girl and I became instant best friends. She wanted to play with me and even wanted me to carry her around the house. As her parents left and we waved and blew kisses and the comfort seemed to stay around. We played a little and then as soon as she started crashing it was time to rock and read books.
Being new to this girl and not knowing her 2 year old ‘lingo’ I couldn’t figure out what she was wanting. The tears came and I could see her frustration because I wasn’t getting it. I tried to sound out the toddler gibberish but it just wasn’t making any sense. In her frustration she kept crying out for “mommy”. After a few minutes of decoding and toddler negotiations I realized that her blanket was downstairs. We got the blanket, read her books and rocked. As she was falling asleep she would check just to make sure I was there. I sat there rocking her and listening to her breath and began to think.
Once in a while I have times in my life where no one seems to understand me. I feel lost, confused by people around and frustration when nothing seems to be going my way. I feel a lot like that sweet little baby. She knew what would make her feel better, I just couldn’t understand. Everything finally clicked and she got her blanket and just laid close to my chest as I rocked her to sleep. She felt peace and comfort in my arms, even if I wasn’t her ‘mommy’.
Sometimes we don’t always need things to be worked out. We just need to feel the comfort of what is there even if it’s not exactly what we are wanting.
Thursday, February 04, 2010
Absurd Guilt
I know I am not alone when I say that my mind is my own worst enemy. When something happens I can turn a situation completely upside down and blame myself until I start to lose sleep. I never used to feel this sort of guilt when I'd live my life. I was living for myself, didn't know the life that was available, you know the drill. But now it seems as though when I experience a glimpse of the lifestyle I used to live I will beat myself up for days thinking not only how I have let God down but myself as well.
Lately I've been really focused and disciplined to go to the gym, eat healthy and have an all around better lifestyle. Since I have been working out everyday and eating healthier my outlook on life has definitely become more positive. The funny thing is that I was always the person who would say, "Screw how much you weigh, are you happy?". So back to my new regime..
I started eating healthy about a month ago. Since working out I have noticed myself buying organic food, soy products and counting calories. It's just a fact that I love cheese. Since my new mindset I have eaten dairy maybe 3 times in the past three weeks. Yes, it's that intense. (Bread maybe 4 times..) Today I had a dilemma. What do I eat for lunch that is quick and healthy and that does not include a sandwich. I wrestled with this decision and even had the audacity to look online at the various nearby restaurants for their nutrition facts. What have I become? To make matters worse I was at a friends for dinner and decided to have a beer. First beer in 3 weeks. GUILT CITY!
Why do we do this to ourselves? I feel as though I have let myself down because I slacked on my regime. But in hindsight, I am the one who wanted to do this healthy lifestyle and yet I chose to have carbs, dairy and beer for dinner during the week. Isn't it my right to enjoy a meal that was prepared by friends?
I think Satan takes advantage of our pride. When we have felt accomplishment for the hard work of being disciplined he gets us. I have been more disciplined in my diet and workouts then I have been in over a year. It's not going to kill me to have a meal that's out of the ordinary, yet he makes me feel awful about it. Makes me feel as though I will go back to the exact same way I was. Just like when I slip and I'm threatened with thoughts of my former way of living.
The motivation inside us is what has to keep us going. We are passionate for the change of life otherwise we would never have started it in the first place. God is bigger than all of this guilt.
Lately I've been really focused and disciplined to go to the gym, eat healthy and have an all around better lifestyle. Since I have been working out everyday and eating healthier my outlook on life has definitely become more positive. The funny thing is that I was always the person who would say, "Screw how much you weigh, are you happy?". So back to my new regime..
I started eating healthy about a month ago. Since working out I have noticed myself buying organic food, soy products and counting calories. It's just a fact that I love cheese. Since my new mindset I have eaten dairy maybe 3 times in the past three weeks. Yes, it's that intense. (Bread maybe 4 times..) Today I had a dilemma. What do I eat for lunch that is quick and healthy and that does not include a sandwich. I wrestled with this decision and even had the audacity to look online at the various nearby restaurants for their nutrition facts. What have I become? To make matters worse I was at a friends for dinner and decided to have a beer. First beer in 3 weeks. GUILT CITY!
Why do we do this to ourselves? I feel as though I have let myself down because I slacked on my regime. But in hindsight, I am the one who wanted to do this healthy lifestyle and yet I chose to have carbs, dairy and beer for dinner during the week. Isn't it my right to enjoy a meal that was prepared by friends?
I think Satan takes advantage of our pride. When we have felt accomplishment for the hard work of being disciplined he gets us. I have been more disciplined in my diet and workouts then I have been in over a year. It's not going to kill me to have a meal that's out of the ordinary, yet he makes me feel awful about it. Makes me feel as though I will go back to the exact same way I was. Just like when I slip and I'm threatened with thoughts of my former way of living.
The motivation inside us is what has to keep us going. We are passionate for the change of life otherwise we would never have started it in the first place. God is bigger than all of this guilt.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
A sweet melody
Those of you who know me, know I have such a passion for music. I love closing my eyes and hearing the pieces of music come together. Growing up my sisters and I had the ability to sound out music and teach ourselves the piano. I took violin lessons and played the clarinet for 4 years. But there's something missing.
Just as much as I love listening to music, I love singing it. Unfortunately for those sitting by me when I get in the music....my voice may not help make it more enjoyable. I was talking with a friend of mine that has a beautiful voice and I admitted I don't know if I can sing. I once had someone at church come up to me and tell me I had a beautiful voice, but the millions of times my family has told me I sound like a dying cat outweigh that one compliment.
So, he suggested I record my voice and listen back. OH MY GOSH. How embarrassing! I was awful! Pitchy, my voice fluctuated and I never would have gotten a Golden Ticket to Hollywood on American Idol. How can I have gone through so much of my life singing as loud as I can, and no one ask me to stop?
So I'd like to make this my official apology to those who sit by me as I sing my guts out. I am sorry for your eardrums.
I'd be up for taking voice lessons....if anyone knows anyone offering :)
Just as much as I love listening to music, I love singing it. Unfortunately for those sitting by me when I get in the music....my voice may not help make it more enjoyable. I was talking with a friend of mine that has a beautiful voice and I admitted I don't know if I can sing. I once had someone at church come up to me and tell me I had a beautiful voice, but the millions of times my family has told me I sound like a dying cat outweigh that one compliment.
So, he suggested I record my voice and listen back. OH MY GOSH. How embarrassing! I was awful! Pitchy, my voice fluctuated and I never would have gotten a Golden Ticket to Hollywood on American Idol. How can I have gone through so much of my life singing as loud as I can, and no one ask me to stop?
So I'd like to make this my official apology to those who sit by me as I sing my guts out. I am sorry for your eardrums.
I'd be up for taking voice lessons....if anyone knows anyone offering :)
Monday, January 25, 2010
Our Giants
This past week I had the opportunity to hear 3 amazing speakers at a conference who had three very different yet similar. The first was a man who has suffered with MS since he was 12. He discussed David and Goliath and how facing our giants with faith is what is most important in life. The second speaker was a Navy Seal named Marcus Luttrell who was the lone survivor of a mission in Afghanistan. His story of perseverance and strength blow my mind. If I were to go through less then half of what he did I would have probably given up on life. The 3rd speaker was a paraplegic 4 time Olympian medalist who was tragically shot as a boy which caused him to lose all use of his legs. I don't know about you, but even with the small amount of detail I just gave I still feel like my life is a cakewalk. On the train home I got to thinking...
The speaker that had MS said, "We all have our giants, the only difference between mine and yours is that you can see mine." How totally true. That message resinated with me and I had the blessing to share the message at the homeless breakfast this Sunday. It's total true. We are all brothers and sisters in Christ. One of their giants is the fact they do not have warm shelter. But one of my giants is the fact that I'm selfish and could barely roll out of bed to be there that morning.
If we all take a minute to think about the various things that we struggle with, our imperfections if you will, our eyes would be open to our ugliness. It's easy to point out everyone else's faults, but when it comes to our own they aren't half as bad as other's.
I pray that my giants are revealed and that people may see my imperfections because only when they are exposed can they ever be healed.
The speaker that had MS said, "We all have our giants, the only difference between mine and yours is that you can see mine." How totally true. That message resinated with me and I had the blessing to share the message at the homeless breakfast this Sunday. It's total true. We are all brothers and sisters in Christ. One of their giants is the fact they do not have warm shelter. But one of my giants is the fact that I'm selfish and could barely roll out of bed to be there that morning.
If we all take a minute to think about the various things that we struggle with, our imperfections if you will, our eyes would be open to our ugliness. It's easy to point out everyone else's faults, but when it comes to our own they aren't half as bad as other's.
I pray that my giants are revealed and that people may see my imperfections because only when they are exposed can they ever be healed.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Worthy
It's ironic how messages seem so relevant to your life. Going into Sunday I was feeling as if God had really been blessing my life through my disciplines, my studies, and the peace I felt ending my week. The message at church on Sunday was about revealing to ourselves and others where we are really at. Finding that truth to determine if we would be able to praise God no matter what storms were brought our way.
That got me thinking as I drove to Bloomington after church. As clear as I felt my vision and direction were this past week, it was muddied as soon as I started thinking about where I really was. The vulnerability I was allowing was an opportunity for an attack to knock down everything that was built inside my heart the past week and to question almost everything. I doubted friendships that have always been true, I looked into innocent actions that were meant to be nothing more, and what I was about to walk into would rock my world for the rest of my life.
It was no where near the same devastation that others have experienced this past week in Haiti, but to me I felt my own personal earthquake. My foundations of family and friends were shaken and some knocked down. To make matters worse, my paranoid thoughts turned into actions and may have sacrificed the strength of those shaken friendship foundations.
Through the pain, through the confusion, and through the brokenness, I kept telling God that He was worthy. I didn't have much feeling behind it, but through the emotional exhaustion I KNEW those words were true. Somehow I know when the aide comes and the houses of friendship and family are rebuilt, He will give me the feeling of peace to go along with my words of believing He is worthy of it all.
That got me thinking as I drove to Bloomington after church. As clear as I felt my vision and direction were this past week, it was muddied as soon as I started thinking about where I really was. The vulnerability I was allowing was an opportunity for an attack to knock down everything that was built inside my heart the past week and to question almost everything. I doubted friendships that have always been true, I looked into innocent actions that were meant to be nothing more, and what I was about to walk into would rock my world for the rest of my life.
It was no where near the same devastation that others have experienced this past week in Haiti, but to me I felt my own personal earthquake. My foundations of family and friends were shaken and some knocked down. To make matters worse, my paranoid thoughts turned into actions and may have sacrificed the strength of those shaken friendship foundations.
Through the pain, through the confusion, and through the brokenness, I kept telling God that He was worthy. I didn't have much feeling behind it, but through the emotional exhaustion I KNEW those words were true. Somehow I know when the aide comes and the houses of friendship and family are rebuilt, He will give me the feeling of peace to go along with my words of believing He is worthy of it all.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Rain
For Christmas I decided to give relational gifts to my family members. To my mom, whose love language is quality time, I gave her a calendar to have her pick a date night each month. Our first date night was last night and we went to Kellehers and to see the show "Rain" at the Civic Center. Rain is a tribute band to The Beetles. Each album was represented with the top songs as well as the styles each member had at the time. My observations of the night:
1. The Beetles are probably the best musical group that I have observed. I know RAIN did not include the original members, but according to my mother and the music I've heard, it was very comparable. From their first album to the last ,their musical talent progressed immensely and their sound was true rock and roll.
2. The music that the Beetles produced was very relevant to the times their albums were released. The messages were of peace and love.
3. The audience was older and let me tell you old people dancing compared to what I'm used to is hilarious. Let me stick my thumbs out and shake side to side. Hilarious.
4. Out of all the videos I did not see one big-chested or big-boned woman. My mom tells me they existed and they just weren't portrayed because thats not the image people wanted to describe that era.
All in all it was a great show and it really made me want to listen to the old hits.
1. The Beetles are probably the best musical group that I have observed. I know RAIN did not include the original members, but according to my mother and the music I've heard, it was very comparable. From their first album to the last ,their musical talent progressed immensely and their sound was true rock and roll.
2. The music that the Beetles produced was very relevant to the times their albums were released. The messages were of peace and love.
3. The audience was older and let me tell you old people dancing compared to what I'm used to is hilarious. Let me stick my thumbs out and shake side to side. Hilarious.
4. Out of all the videos I did not see one big-chested or big-boned woman. My mom tells me they existed and they just weren't portrayed because thats not the image people wanted to describe that era.
All in all it was a great show and it really made me want to listen to the old hits.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Repentance
I was 15 when my sister got married. It was a beautiful October ceremony at First Federated Church (they have a gorgeous sanctuary). As I was standing beside the altar I caught notice of a group of Asian beetles crawling up the back of my sisters wedding dress. I tried as hard as I could to hold back the laughs, but quickly everyone in the sanctuary noticed my failed attempt. The giggles caught on from the bridal party, to the guests, to the bride and groom and finally the pastor. Unfortunately when my sister's wedding is brought up that is not the memory that everyone likes to talk about. See, after the wedding we rode around on the trolly until the reception. I was clearly underage but was allowed to drink with the rest of the bridal party. I was keeping up with the more experienced and was chugging down Jack Daniel's coolers like they were kool-aid. Before I knew it I was drunk. As we made our grand entrance down the Packard Plaza stairs it was clear to all of the guests that I had been over-served. My embarrassment only started at that moment but continued when I woke up after passing out for 3 hours during the reception to my divorced parents both staring over me.
As my family reminisces about this occasion it NEVER fails that my mistake is exposed time after time. I apologized to all parties involved but old mistakes seem to rear their ugly head.
Since thats the way I've been conditioned as a kid, I find myself having difficulty when repenting my sin. Although it's undeserved God forgives us for our sins and then forgets them. I on the other hand have difficulty with the forgetting part. Any time something slightly resembles anything I have repented for, all of those sins come back and I feel even more undeserving. My mind starts to fill with thoughts breaking down all of the progress that I've made and that I deserve anything bad that happens. I know that's not healthy, but I also know they are not thoughts I am intended to have. That if I persevere through the attack, God will protect me. Even though I will always be unworthy, God's grace allows me to put those transgressions back where they belong.
I haven't quite figured out just how to forget but I know the closer I get to Him, the less I will think of exactly who I used to be.
And in case you are wondering, I haven't had a Jack Daniel's cooler since. :)
As my family reminisces about this occasion it NEVER fails that my mistake is exposed time after time. I apologized to all parties involved but old mistakes seem to rear their ugly head.
Since thats the way I've been conditioned as a kid, I find myself having difficulty when repenting my sin. Although it's undeserved God forgives us for our sins and then forgets them. I on the other hand have difficulty with the forgetting part. Any time something slightly resembles anything I have repented for, all of those sins come back and I feel even more undeserving. My mind starts to fill with thoughts breaking down all of the progress that I've made and that I deserve anything bad that happens. I know that's not healthy, but I also know they are not thoughts I am intended to have. That if I persevere through the attack, God will protect me. Even though I will always be unworthy, God's grace allows me to put those transgressions back where they belong.
I haven't quite figured out just how to forget but I know the closer I get to Him, the less I will think of exactly who I used to be.
And in case you are wondering, I haven't had a Jack Daniel's cooler since. :)
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
Simplicity
Contrary to popular belief, I would classify myself as a hopeless romantic. I enjoy movies that have great endings and I enjoy situations that have a great ending to the story. There are even a few situations in which I have chosen to do something that I know may not be the best for me but I did it anyway for the story.
One of my favorite things to do is to spend time getting to know what makes people tick. Lately I've had the opportunity to talk with a new friend and a theme has come up in multiple conversations of ours. This friend tries to live his daily life with simplicity. Living on as little as he can and giving as much as he can. This has caused some deep internal conversations on what that would look like in my life, but as I have finished the holiday season I am taking a different approach to this simplicity idea. I have made a conscious effort to live on what I have and try to dispel the idea that I need to go out and get something to appease my desires.
Since I enjoy big drastic stories, I also feel encouraged, loved or even more assured when drastic things happen. Maybe its the security that you can get through tough situations and can be rewarded after the storm of life is over. When simple things happen I don't feel the same way I do as when drastic events occur. Here's an example. I got my grandmother a butterfly wall hanging and a picture frame for Christmas. She didn't ask for it, but I know she loves butterflies. As soon as she opened the gift she said, "Oh this is great, very thoughtful." If I were to open something I didn't necessarily need I'd honestly think, "Oh great, something else I have to find a place for in my apartment."
As harsh as that sounds, it felt as harsh actually typing that out. I want to be grateful of the simple things in life. Simple conversations, simple cards, simple expressions of a genuine love. I don't know how to make that paradigm shift or what that means but all I can say is, "Hello simplicity, I'm going to try to be around for a while."
One of my favorite things to do is to spend time getting to know what makes people tick. Lately I've had the opportunity to talk with a new friend and a theme has come up in multiple conversations of ours. This friend tries to live his daily life with simplicity. Living on as little as he can and giving as much as he can. This has caused some deep internal conversations on what that would look like in my life, but as I have finished the holiday season I am taking a different approach to this simplicity idea. I have made a conscious effort to live on what I have and try to dispel the idea that I need to go out and get something to appease my desires.
Since I enjoy big drastic stories, I also feel encouraged, loved or even more assured when drastic things happen. Maybe its the security that you can get through tough situations and can be rewarded after the storm of life is over. When simple things happen I don't feel the same way I do as when drastic events occur. Here's an example. I got my grandmother a butterfly wall hanging and a picture frame for Christmas. She didn't ask for it, but I know she loves butterflies. As soon as she opened the gift she said, "Oh this is great, very thoughtful." If I were to open something I didn't necessarily need I'd honestly think, "Oh great, something else I have to find a place for in my apartment."
As harsh as that sounds, it felt as harsh actually typing that out. I want to be grateful of the simple things in life. Simple conversations, simple cards, simple expressions of a genuine love. I don't know how to make that paradigm shift or what that means but all I can say is, "Hello simplicity, I'm going to try to be around for a while."
Monday, January 04, 2010
Quarter Life Crisis
I have this friend named Katie. Katie and I met on Move-In day at Bradley. Over the past 7 years we have become very close friends. It was our sophomore year of college and Katie, myself, and 4 other girls all lived in one room in the sorority house. That year was a tough year for our friendship because Katie, unlike myself, was very neurotic about everything. Any item had it's place and clothes were NOT to be left on the floor. Well I on the other hand flew by the seat of my pants, working two jobs and going to school so the last thing on my mind was cleaning things up. I will have to say though that I think Katie and I would make great roommates now. Anyways.
Katie turned 25 back in October and about a month prior she started freaking out. Not psycho freaking but more of a panic, anxiety type of freak. I thought it was just spastic Kate but as I approach my 25th birthday I am starting to have those same feelings.
Around the time when Katie and I met I had a plan for my life. I was going to get married at a young age, spend some quality alone time with my love, start a family in my mid-twenties and have a kick-ass job. Well as I begin the final haul to my 25th birthday: I am single as they come, my idea of quality time is a book, a blanket and some hot tea at 8:30pm with a 9:00pm bedtime, no kiddos and my job leaves a lot to be desired. I'm not going to lie, I did have a minor panic attack when I came to this dreadful realization. But as to any situation there is always a flip side.
I do not believe any of the guys I have dated have been marriage worthy- let alone father material. Words can hardly describe the amount of personal and professional growth I have obtained in these 25 years as I have learned about myself and my relationship with God. I know that I would not have been able to experience what I have in the past few years if my plan had worked out as I hoped. After all in Jeremiah 29:11, God says "Therefor I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I am sure His plan is better then mine. And besides, Katie just called to invite me over for dinner tomorrow that she's going to prepare in her new slow-cooker that she got for Christmas. If she can get over the hump, I'm sure I can too. :)
Katie turned 25 back in October and about a month prior she started freaking out. Not psycho freaking but more of a panic, anxiety type of freak. I thought it was just spastic Kate but as I approach my 25th birthday I am starting to have those same feelings.
Around the time when Katie and I met I had a plan for my life. I was going to get married at a young age, spend some quality alone time with my love, start a family in my mid-twenties and have a kick-ass job. Well as I begin the final haul to my 25th birthday: I am single as they come, my idea of quality time is a book, a blanket and some hot tea at 8:30pm with a 9:00pm bedtime, no kiddos and my job leaves a lot to be desired. I'm not going to lie, I did have a minor panic attack when I came to this dreadful realization. But as to any situation there is always a flip side.
I do not believe any of the guys I have dated have been marriage worthy- let alone father material. Words can hardly describe the amount of personal and professional growth I have obtained in these 25 years as I have learned about myself and my relationship with God. I know that I would not have been able to experience what I have in the past few years if my plan had worked out as I hoped. After all in Jeremiah 29:11, God says "Therefor I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I am sure His plan is better then mine. And besides, Katie just called to invite me over for dinner tomorrow that she's going to prepare in her new slow-cooker that she got for Christmas. If she can get over the hump, I'm sure I can too. :)
Sunday, January 03, 2010
Companionship
This past week I've had to sleep with the TV on to help my mind slow down and to be able to fall asleep. The dreaded part was that almost every night I dreamt about someone that used to be in my life. Not every night in a desirable way, more of a losing someone way. There is no doubt in my mind that people come in and out of your life to help you grow as a person and just because you cared for them does not mean they were supposed to stay. Last night I tossed and turned until 3am thinking of this certain someone and it honestly brought me to my knees.
My late night/early morning made me realize that humans are designed to be with someone else. My dreams and thoughts were a reminder of a time when I had it. Companionship carries more of a heavy meaning then I initially imagined. Married folks, imagine when your spouse goes out of town for business or vacation and you don't have that warm body laying next to you at night. Thankfully vacations end and you get your other half back, but if you are single its a desire that will be left unfulfilled for an unknown amount of time.
I still know my contentment with where God has me will weigh more heavily then this unfulfilled desire, but it sparks a question for me. When you are not in a relationship with someone, what are you supposed to do to sustain this longing? Friends don't quite always cut it or fill the void exactly as needed and prayer sometimes seems like a resounding gong. How can you find companionship that is pure and not crossing any boundaries?
My late night/early morning made me realize that humans are designed to be with someone else. My dreams and thoughts were a reminder of a time when I had it. Companionship carries more of a heavy meaning then I initially imagined. Married folks, imagine when your spouse goes out of town for business or vacation and you don't have that warm body laying next to you at night. Thankfully vacations end and you get your other half back, but if you are single its a desire that will be left unfulfilled for an unknown amount of time.
I still know my contentment with where God has me will weigh more heavily then this unfulfilled desire, but it sparks a question for me. When you are not in a relationship with someone, what are you supposed to do to sustain this longing? Friends don't quite always cut it or fill the void exactly as needed and prayer sometimes seems like a resounding gong. How can you find companionship that is pure and not crossing any boundaries?
Saturday, January 02, 2010
Be Better
Every year around the end of December I fall into a reflective state. My desire to be around others is less then usual and I evaluate where the past year has gotten me. In years past I have made declarations of things I will change and not do and typically in more cases then not I fail miserably. As many times as I have said it in the past, I know this year will be different. I'm not aiming to change things, I just want to simply be better.
First and foremost I want to be a better Christian. Relying only on God's provision and having a desire for more. More learning, more worship and more opportunities to serve. This also includes being a better steward of God's provision. Tithing, trying to live in simplicity and the sort. Focusing on growing with God instead of what I don't have.
Secondly, I want to be a better friend and daughter. This Christmas season I have decided to give relationally to my parents and grandparents. I want to continue to grow as a person and humble myself to spend time with family. I want to make an effort to connect with friends and learn more about their story. I want every person who interacts with me to walk away feeling they are important in my life. That will be hard, but baby steps will help.
I will be better at living with discipline. It is somewhat of a New Years resolution to start/continue writing. I have purchased a new computer and I am excited to have a place that I can call my own to write. I will be better at the discipline of prayer and devotion. I will construct a budget. I want to live more of a health conscious life.
All in all I want to say I'm not going to lose 10 pounds, complete a book, or other empty promises. At the end of 2010 I want to say I am better then where I am today. Simply put.
First and foremost I want to be a better Christian. Relying only on God's provision and having a desire for more. More learning, more worship and more opportunities to serve. This also includes being a better steward of God's provision. Tithing, trying to live in simplicity and the sort. Focusing on growing with God instead of what I don't have.
Secondly, I want to be a better friend and daughter. This Christmas season I have decided to give relationally to my parents and grandparents. I want to continue to grow as a person and humble myself to spend time with family. I want to make an effort to connect with friends and learn more about their story. I want every person who interacts with me to walk away feeling they are important in my life. That will be hard, but baby steps will help.
I will be better at living with discipline. It is somewhat of a New Years resolution to start/continue writing. I have purchased a new computer and I am excited to have a place that I can call my own to write. I will be better at the discipline of prayer and devotion. I will construct a budget. I want to live more of a health conscious life.
All in all I want to say I'm not going to lose 10 pounds, complete a book, or other empty promises. At the end of 2010 I want to say I am better then where I am today. Simply put.
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