Where I go

These past few days I have been extremely active and I love it. I feel as though my days are longer and I don't lay in bed all day wondering what I have done with myself. God has blessed me with an amazing friend that I can call up (because I know he doesn't have a life) and just go spend time outside playing tennis, or throwing a ball around.

Today there was a group of us that went out and played tennis. Doubles on our court, singles on the next and a faithful fan. It was so much fun! We just were playin around, not a serious game or anything but I had a lot of fun anyways. After that we decided to hang out at Ryans for a bit until we went to eat at Old Chicago. That was fun but of course we needed to go back to Ryans for a challenging game of spoons. I won of course...and then we played Mafia. There were 12 of us there and let me tell you I won both rounds we played. Can you tell I love competition? All is said and good but its the drive home that really got me thinking.

Why is it that thoughts/feelings/emotions surface when you are alone? Granted I love driving just to get things off my head. But its then most of the times that I start to think. Think about people, think about life, and think about what I do wrong. I know there is a saying regarding strength with numbers, and I can really see why. The past few nights when I have come home alone, with my mom already sleeping, is when I feel the most. My mind starts running, and my emotions start and its hard for me to sleep. I used to do my devotionals at night, because I could focus better but I have found it extremely hard for me to do them the past few nights. I just wish somehow I could find strength to deal, with or without others.

Oh and PS: I got fired to night. Not technically fired. But pretty close. I cut my hours back at the salon so I would only be working one day a week. My boss, who is a great Christian man, called and told me it would just be easier to have one person work the whole week. SOOOOOO long story short I am calling it 'getting fired' but I think it'll be better off anyway so I don't have to go from one job to the next on Fridays. I know God has his reasons.

POG to you, and hopefully to me tonight as well.

Music is my release..

My second post of the day. I can't sleep.

Tears. Smiles. Dances. Loneliness. Love. No matter what I'm feeling, music is how I get through it. I finally realized that tonight. I have had many different thoughts/emotions going through my head and music is what cleared everything up. I was listening to a random playlist and thinking of lyrics that expressed what I felt, only there were to many. On my AIM profile I always have a song of the moment that is constantly changing. Currently it is "Leave the Pieces" by The Wreckers.

I started thinking where my music appreciation came from, and actually all of my family is musical. I can't sing worth a crap, but my other family members can. Don't get me wrong, my rejection from the 7th grade choir tryouts didn't stop me. I still sing off key and loud but I love it! I also was a jack of all musical instruments. I started out with the violin for a year, piano for a few (I hated my piano teacher, she was an old hag at the time but now I'm sure she's a very nice lady) then the clarinet was my next venture. I played that for about 4 years but quit as soon as I got into highschool. The uniforms were definately not my color. My mom played the guitar and has an old accoustic sittin here in the basement. Maybe sometime this summer I'll teach myself to play. (I especially love hearing other people play the guitar.) So worship is my favorite time because I find a peace with the music and with God.

Thats all for my random post about music. Maybe I'll find some music that'll help me sleep. If I remember correctly I still have a CD from a cool friend of mine that could probably do the trick.


POG to you..

hot hot heat

This weather has been gorgeous! I am definately an outdoor girl when it comes to summertime! The past few days I have spent a majority of my time outdoors, which has resulted in a lobster-like look. In any normal circumstance I would refrain from venturing outdoors during this coloring stage, but I can't help myself.

Sunday I had to work at 3 but I took advantage of the good sun hours in the morning at Splashdown. I didn't feel satisfied with outdoor fix so I went back again on Monday with a few of my friends. This time I actually was able to stay as long as I wanted, and I took full advantage lubing up with oil. I decided this season I am going to skip the 'taking it slow' when aiming for my tan. Straight to the oil. Happy Skin Cancer to you too. ;o) But after Splashdown a few of my friends and I went to the Chiefs game. As if I wasn't burnt already from the day, sitting in the grassy fields just AIMED the sun at us. As soon as I got home instead of the oil, I lubed up with ALOE VERA. Hopefully that'll help with the inevitable peeling situation. Today Ryan and I went and played tennis. It wasn't as hot when I first got outside but after about 6 matches, I was ready to call it quits. WE played a tie breaker and my body was so drained that I felt as if my arm would fall off if I had to serve the ball one more time. So I let him win. ;o)

Tonight I have a double-header for softball. and before that I plan on going for a jog around the neighborhood. I just can't get enough activity! I like it, I love it, I want some more of it. ok ok ok Let's just see how much longer this lasts. I hope to stay as active as possible this summer!! Maybe shed some lbs. Oh I'm in a quirky mood. GREEEAAAaAAAaT. I think I need a nap.

POG to you!!!

Higher spot in Heaven...

So tonight at work I have gotten quite a few things accomplished. Because it was so slow I had time to do laundry, read two more chapters in my study book, and even a few chapters another book I'm reading. It was early evening when a family came down to the lobby and started watching TV. Yes, they turned off the Cubs game during the extra innings to watch Disney channel. Although I was not the only one upset (the father was pretty annoyed as well) we started watching a few Disney shows. For those of you who don't know me, I'm not really into that type of thing. Girlie movies, kid shows, and other such "baby" things I only do when I'm in the presense of extremely loved kids. Thats besides the point. As I was standing there spacing out to the television this little old lady that was with the family asked me for a glass for her beer. Since I wasn't doing anything at the time I of course said "certainly" and went on my way.

When I handed that sweet old lady the glass she said, "Oh thank you dear, You've just earned a higher spot in Heaven." What a weird remark. First thing that went threw my head was if my chuckle after her remark seemed awkward at all. Second was that who was she really to tell me where I would be in Heaven...and just for getting her a glass for her beer? It wasn't anything extraordinary. I was bored and so I did it with a smile on my face. Now maybe it's just me but I have never heard anyone say that before. The third thing I was thinking of after this situation was I thought Heaven was of one rank? At least my Heaven is.

It got me thinking of the different things I do. I try to be a good Christian and not swear, or not judge others and to me those are the things that God is looking at. But this little old lady (who turned 82 last THursday as she told me) made me think. The little things matter just as much as the big ones. Granted they won't put me at the penthouse suite (kinda ironic that I work at a hotel) of Heaven, but the little things make the big things easier I suppose.

Tomorrow is Memorial Day. A day of cookouts, sun, family and friends. I pray that you and yours have an amazing day!!!!

POG to you in all that you do!! (even the little things)

Update..

I started a blog to write and get things off my chest, get other's opinions on my thoughts, and just chart my experiences. I have an update for my faithful readers...

Living at home isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong I didn't brace myself for Hell, but it's more of a peaceful atmosphere. I think I need that. Another thing being at home is that it pulls me away. Living on campus it is easier to just get stuck in a rut doing the same ole routine. Now its more of an effort and you know I mean business if a trip is made to do something at Bradley! ;o)

The past few days have been really rough on my body. Maybe it's the moving, maybe its work, maybe it's just stress in general. It's weird my body is changing so much, especially how it reacts to things. Alcohol, in small quantities folks, sometimes makes me sick. Not drunk sick, but I yak twice over one Bud Light. It's not really striking my fancy right now. Second thing I've noticed is when something is wrong or out of my control and stresses me out, I throw up on occasion multiple times. Weird, huh? Then I get this sickening feeling in my stomach like the wind has been constantly knocked out of my tummy and I can't concentrate on anything BUT it. I really miss the days when I could handle everyone else's problems on top of my own and still wear a big smile on my face because I was amazing at just dealing. Now my body shuts down like I'm 90. My new procedure is tentitavely (spelling) scheduled to start on Tuesday. I'm extremely scared. I know everything is in God's hands but do you ever just feel frustrated that you don't know whats going to happen?

I think what scares me the most is how am I going to change? In the past 6 months I have noticed a drastic change in my attitude and lifestyle as it is, I can only imaging what the Lupran will do. For those of you who have met me in these past months I promise to you that this is normally not me. For those of you who do know me I hope to have the complete 'old' Leslie back to you soon! I think it's just going to take time.

My life with God is great. The peace is still here (I just have to open my eyes a little wider at times.)

POG to you all!

Homeward bound..

So I'm not posting about the movie with the two dogs and Sassy the cat trying to find their way home...I'm actually living at home now. Really weird actually. I haven't lived here since I graduated highschool and I have a feeling it will be quite different.

I moved out of my house on Fredonia (by Bradley) and it was strange. I felt as though I was leaving my life. Granted things have been different this semester, but my roomates were my life. I lived with them for roughly three years, and now I'm half a city away. Towards the end of my stay there I distanced myself, just because thats how I make things easier. But I honestly think I will miss the late night dance sessions, or roomate initiations...just in general my life.

For my great move I do have a few people to thank. Andy Chambers first and foremost for getting roped into moving 'two boxes' AND that turned into two dressers, a desk, a bed, and the rest of my wardrobe (including my TV size box of shoes). Ryan Anderson for helping Chambers move my furniture into his garage. Ryan Wood for allowing my the use of his truck to transport my box spring only to drive through the turrential (if that is spelled right) downpour.

Even though I am living at home I do have to admit that I am honestly loving my life. God is working through so many people to give me strength. I am still feeling the peace and I want to just spread it to everyone! (That sounds like a disease, but in a way I guess it is-a good one)

Well I'm off to sleep in my dungeon (that hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to straighten up) I'll keep you all updated on the living with 'moms' situation, although I'm sure we'll do fine!!! I'm exhausted.

POG to you!!!

Out comes the sun..

My past few blogs have been really...whats the word...depressing. I'm not depressed by any means and during my day today it was amazing because I finally feel the peace of God again. It showed in my actions (except for my softball game when I was frustrated with myself) and I tried to show love to everyone I saw. I don't know what kind of a funk I was in for the past few weeks and I'm tired of it. You better believe that the old Leslie is back in action!

So I got to play softball today. I mean actually play. I play on two different leagues this summer, a women's league that plays in East Peoria on Monday nights and a Kellehers league @ the stadium on Tuesdays. Last week I played for Kellehers but I have been on a break since the surgery. (Trust me I NEED to start workin out again because I was out of breath running to first.) besides that last week during my Kellehers game I was just slowly getting back into the swing of things. You know, standing behind home plate. Waiting for the ball to come knock my teeth out as it foul tips off a metal bat. Today I was horrible. I bought a new bat and I SUCK. I'm talking my hits were NOT even by the grass. SOOOOOO frustrating. I still had fun so I guess thats all that matters.

Tomorrow is my only day off this week. (besides Saturday)and its supposed to be beautiful outside. I CAN'T WAIT!!!! I GET TO LAY OUT!!!!!!! AHHHH so in case you can't tell a difference I LOVE LIFE and I LOVE EVERYONE IN MY LIFE!!!! *and i love the fact that God meets us where we are each time*

POG to you. :O)

The great wall..

So I have learned within the past years that I put up a wall guarding my heart. I know it's not something to brag about, cause trust me it's been a topic of analization the past few weeks for me. Christians are supposed to be open hearted and loving and caring to everyone...what I can't seem to understand is I believe in God and I have a personal relationship with Him, but why can't I seem to allow my walls to be broken down.

Don't get me wrong there have been a few people that actually have conquered a big task and reached the guarded glory, my heart. I just seem to be proven correct everytime I let my guard down even the slightest I get hurt. People say they'll be there, but actions speak louder than words and I don't hear a thing. It's very hard for me to show my emotions to anyone else but my family. Once you see that side of me...you KNOW I'm struggling. (and if u see me admit that then you are lucky because I am as stubborn as a mule.)

Walls I have put up have been there for years, and just when I think someone is there to break them down, something changes and completely builds them higher. Or I purposely distract myself just to lose the passion I had about something. A part of me hates that about myself. But whats the worst during these times I feel as though there is a wall blocking God. It will take A LOT for me to let someone in again but one thing I want to strive to do is allow God to constantly work on my heart regardless of the challenge others face. Who knows maybe one day I'll be healed inside out. ;o) We'll see.

POG to you.

PS: I am now 'IN' for any of you Verizon people! (no thanks to Ryan Anderson)

I HATE US CELLULAR!

So let me just start by telling you my latest pain. US Cellular. I recently opened by phone bill and thought I was going to throw up. I knew I would have a past due balance on there just because it was due the day I had my surgery and I had completely forgotten to pay it. Well that being said I was prepared for a slightly higher bill. My cell phone bill was a sickening $383.00. You want a punch in the stomach open THAT bill on the way to church. Let me just tell you exactly how broke that made me feel. I don't have that. I have been with US Cellular since my first phone. (Heck it's been almost 8 years and I STILL have the same number). I called inquiring about my bill and the lady freaking read exactly what was on the paper. I informed her that I was capable of reading, but it doesn't make sense. I have never gone over let alone almost $300.00 in ONE MONTH. I'm switching my cell phone carriers to Verizon. If I am forced to get a new number, I'll let you all know. ;o) Thats my vent....hopefully a more uplifting blog later ;o)

POG to you...

Sad Day.

So lately I haven't been myself. I've noticed that my happy-go lucky personality has turned into a questioning frequently doubting life style. I hate it. But it seems no matter what I do I can't change it. I feel as though I am in a spiritual drought.

I am experiencing many changes in my life and the next 6 months will just be even worse. I think it scares me tremendously and I am afraid what will happen. The easiest way for me to deal with that is alone. I can't even describe the feeling that overcomes me feeling that I have absolutely no control in any situation anymore. So to any of you that have noticed a difference in my attitude and anyone that has the time I'd appreciate some prayers. I just wish things would be the same as they used to be....


POG to you...and hopefully to myself as well.

Selfishly Me

So my day today has really been really just a blur. I slept until 12 (people I don't do that often so don't give me crap), I went out to eat with two of my roomates, went to a Dr's appointment and then worked until about 11. I know sleeping late pretty much screws my day but it felt worth it at the time. Another detail about my day that I didn't realize until I lay here reflecting was that everything I did was in complete selfishness. (Ben is that word?)

My sleeping pattern today was strickly because I didn't go to bed until about two hours before the sun came up. That was my fault but yet I forgot everything else I could have done during those perfect morning hours (pack) to sleep because I was tired. Let me continue.

Lunch. I had a perfectly fine offer to have a homemade meal for lunch but instead I begged my roomates to go OUT to eat. I wanted to have everything prepared for me at any cost. I just wanted things my way and for THAT I am selfish.

My doctor's appointment went as well as it could have gone and I found out things that could put my heart at ease. There is a treatment that I was told about, but the costs would be about $400.00 a month. I would need them for 6 months. For those non-math majors that would be $2,400. Of course there is no way I could pay for any of it and I'm hoping insurance will cover some of it. This treatment would help me in my future and was highly recommended by my doctor. A part of me feels extremely guilty for following through with this procedure because that would put my parents back financially. They have done alot for me and the last thing I wanted to do was get sick.

Work I tried as hard as I could to be gracious to every customer I met. I think this probably was the most unselfish part of the day. Except when it came towards the end of my shift. All I wanted to do was go home and hang out with friends. I didn't want to go out even though it would have meant a lot to my friends going out, but I was selfish and wanted to go to bed. Of course that didn't stop me from wanting to hang out with others at my house. When those plans didn't work out to my liking I got sad. I wanted things my way. No matter what was going on for others, all I wanted to do was for them to hang out with me.

I have never noticed this about my lifestyle until now and I hate it. For anyone whom I have acted this way towards I am deeply sorry and I hope that one day God will finish working on my heart to be the selfless person He was.

POG to you all.

My Lisa Ann

As some of you may know I have a best friend named Lisa Boaz. She's been in Spain all semester long and last night was the first night I saw her since the beginning of January. I of course talked to her about mid-semester for maybe 45 minutes but other than that communication was strickly e-mails and a few IM messages. Let me just tell you about my friend.

Lisa and I have known each other since about middle school age. We modeled together at the Limited Too and played each other in PGSL softball leagues. We knew of each other but we weren't really friends. It wasn't until highschool that our hangouts became more frequent. Lisa and I worked together doing student council stuff but I honestly can't tell you when the first time I knew she had to be my best friend.

We were both involved in Young Life and thanks to our other 'three muskateer' Nancy Kater, Lisa and I had the wonderful opportunity to experience TEC together. I think the best part of our relationship (minus the crazy times in the Steak and Shake drive through= "you like chicken melts....right?") was when we got to spend a month together doing Summer Staff at a Young Life summer camp called Castaway. Lisa has such a great heart and a love for Christ and kids. This month two years ago I got a chance to see that.

Of course with any friendships or relationships there will be ups and downs, and Lisa and I have had ours. But the best part about it is when she got home from being gone for four months, I felt as though she'd never left. I can't begin to tell you how excited I am that she got to experience such a wonderful and challenging time in Spain, but what I'm even more excited about is the fact that she's back. This is a girl that will be standing in my wedding someday. Lisa Ann, I don't even know if you read this, but I want you to know that I love you and I thank God for putting you in my life and my heart. ;o) (I'm looking forward to our pedicures today!!)

POG to you. and have a WONDERFUL day!

It's just a LOVE thang..

So today is Mother's Day. A day to show your appreciation and love for your mother. After my family's celebration I decided to go and hang out at Kevin and Summer's. For any of you who don't know them, they are an amazing couple who open their home and hearts to Young Life kids. The day consisted of lounging around (me taking a nap) watching some TV and just having some enlightening conversation. One conversation got me thinking. Love is a crazy thing.

Let me start off by saying that I have never had a love relationship that was focused on God. My past relationships have been self gratifying (thanks ben) and the law of God has not been followed. In my interactions with others especially lately I wonder why is it so easy to say you'll be a certain way but act totally different. Friends, boyfriends, family, YL kids, any relationship in general there is an 'ideal' way to act. Things never seem to work out that way.

In talking with the Sletten's and analyzing my relationships I have come up with a few actions I want to strive to carry out. God needs to be my focus of everyday. Although relationships in whatever form can stray our focus, God is the reason for everything. He needs to be the one gratified and I need to remember that if my focus is on Him my life will unfold. Another thing I need to stop doing is justifying everything. Just because in the past my life has gone in a certain direction does not give acceptance for it to follow suit. We all fall victims of comfort. As long as we are comfortable then everything is okay. I find myself falling away from God when I think everything is fine.

My mind track is probably jumping around just because as I write this Summer is cooking dinner, Kevin is running all over the place deciding whether to stay indoors or outdoors and our conversation is still continuing. But the main point I want to stress is that we all could use a little re-evaluation on where our focus is in our everyday lives.

POG to you. and Happy Mother's Day to all you baby mamma's.

Trying to be a lover, when you used to be a fighter..

So when I was in highschool, and not a Christian I might add, I was a little jerk. I was stubborn (still am) and boy did I have an attitude. When people would have something to say regarding me or any other issue I was right there getting in their face. Some would even say I was a 'hard ass'. I had no problem jumping the gun and sticking up for what I believed was right and you better believe that if any of my friends had beef with anyone, they would call on me. I wasn't scared to fight and I had a mouth that could tear anybody down.

When I became a Christian my junior year of highschool things changed. My heart softened and I actually gave people a chance. My life has been pretty drama free since then and it's been really nice. Of course I keep up on the gossip thanks to my best friend Nancy and my COM 300 study group ;o) but I like to keep myself out of things. Another reason is lately stress takes a toll on my body in a bad way. Anyways thats besides the point.

Lately I've been struggling with some conflict and I find myself jumping back into fighter mode. It would be completely inappropriate I know to throw punches at the library but I found myself with my adrenaline racing and ready to throw down. Words were not said thankfully or else I don't know what I would have done. But my problem and what I don't understand is how can I let myself get so worked up about something or someone who doesn't even matter in my life. I've been consistantly praying for a calm heart but it seems as though everytime a new piece of information is exposed I immediately jump into defense. I wonder if its possible to completely lose that nature that I was so proud of. At my age I don't think its normal to be prepared to fight..that was highschool stuff.

The weird thing about this whole thing is I cherish my friends and I know God puts people into my life at times for good reason. But I can't figure out what lesson God is trying to teach me in this situation. Oh well.

POG to you.

Nature vs Nurture

So I have been thinking a lot lately about how much my childhood is recently affecting (effecting..whichever)my life. Don't get my wrong I'm not bashing my family or how I was raised..I know God gave us certain circumstances to build character and find strengh in Him..but I definately have recently noticed how much I let things play a big part in how I interact with others. Let me explain..

I grew up in a very independant household. My sisters and I worked for the extra things we wanted. My mom did an excellent job at teaching us the value of a dollar and the value of work. It was hard at the time because I just wanted to have everything handed to me like most of my friends. One thing I take away from that is the fact that I do not take things for granted...well very seldomly. It has been an issue lately. Being broke college students I feel very guilty when friends pay for something: such as a meal or movie or anything in general. I find it is my responsibiity to take care of myself and I would rather be the one paying.

Now in the olden days it was unheard of for a woman to pay. It was a man's duty or responsibility to support his leading lady. Is it rude that I don't feel that way? I know its caused some discussion in a few of my friendships and I'm just curious.

Another thing I have been dealing with a lot lately would be showing emotions. I grew up in a family that loved each other and we expressed it on the phone as a salutation, but not physically much at all. Again, I'm not dissing my childhood at all but it shapes us to who we are today. I love my friends very much and God has blessed me in this area. But let me tell you how uncomfortable I feel when people give me compliments. It's just one of those things I didn't think much about until everyone started giving me compliments for no reason. I mean I was prayed over by my closest friends before my surgery and I started to cry. I didn't know how to take the compliments. Do I say, "Thank you" or just "Ditto"? This is definately not my forte. Maybe I just don't feel worthy of the compliments? Thats a whole different can of worms. Maybe I'll open it sometime in a future blog..but that should be it for now.

PS: I have 3 finals tomorrow and I don't have ANY motivation to study.

POG to you.

Campfire Fairytales...

Okay so I know Jack Johnson had the idea first but I thought it was totally appropriate for this title. Sitting around the campfire with good Christian friends really helped me reflect tonight. God has worked so much my life this past year and I usually notice his work in others. My friends probably thought I was crazy, or maybe just cold, but the time I spent around the campfire dazing off really made me think.

I think I could take for granted my Christian friends. Its so amazing to be around them when I'm happy..but I dont initiate a gathering when I'm feeling blue. But it seems as though no matter how rough a day I have, whenever I am with them things are fine.

God has definately blessed me with a great group of people and it's going to be an amazing summer! I only hope they know what they do for me everyday. It's a blessing to see the smiling faces as I walk into the library, or the clicking when we joke around about Ryan. I know you all know who you are...but thank you. Thank you for everything you do when you are just being yourselves.

POG to you.

POG629

Well I decided to start a blog. I enjoy reading other's and if you know me, I usually have a lot to say. There has been a lot going on in my life and I figure this could be a way to get this off my chest and get Christian opinions. I decided to start my first blog explaining me from the beginning. I have titled my blog "POG 629" because that is my beginning. As of June 29th (2002) I have had the Peace of God. I know its cheesy but its one of those things as a new Christian I came up with to be 'cool' with God. Of course I haven't always believed I have had that peace, but in desparate times it's always there. I'm not exactly sure what my thought process will be doing this blog and it could make absolutely no sense, but I'm trying it.

As most of you know, well whoever will read this could know, I just had surgery. It's fresh on my mind because as I lay here writing this blog I am trying to fight the urge to throw up. It seems as though I have picked up a virus in the 4 days since surgery and the medicine I have to take doesn't mix well with my pain medication. I'm not looking for sympathy or words of encouragement...I'm actually wanting to discuss something else.

When we are down and not feeling our best, we tend to feel sorry for ourselves. Granted I found out some news that could really affect my life in the long run..but that is nothing compared to other things going on in the world. The people who really deserve the prayers, the generous thoughts and actions are the ones who smile regardless of what is happening in their lives and who live their lives daily for Christ. I admire those people and vow one day I will be that selfless and live my life in udder thanks for what God did for me.

Well I dont know if that makes any sense...hey its okay I'm on drugs. ;o)

POG to you.