I haven't attended a church service in two weeks. I won't be at church this Sunday. The weird thing is that although I haven't been surrounding myself with Godly messages or sermons, my life has felt unsettled with thought. I am not falling off the deep end by any means, but my life has been in a standstill with introspection.
My heart has been heavy the past few weeks for trials and tribulations that people in my life are facing. It seems as though cancer is the most prevalent trial, but there are also some non-lifethreatening issues at hand. Divorces, unsuccessful pregnancies, loss of jobs, etc. As my heart gets weighed down with continual prayers for them I begin to think of my life.
I've been sick the past week as most of the people I have encountered share the same frustration. I don't know what it is but no matter what I did to home-remedy the situation it didn't help. When I discovered solid as a rock lymph nodes I broke down, went to the doc-in-a-box and got myself some meds (that I am painstakingly taking 4 times a day for 10 days.) The crazy part about this story is that even before and after going to the doctor, I allowed my mind and my WEB-MD knowledge to convince myself I had cancer, benign tumors or HIV. Crazy thoughts, I know.
I was driving home tonight after watching a best friend of mine go through a challenging situation and for some reason it all seemed to click. I watch good people go through crappy situations and there's not a thing I can do except pray. I believe I allow myself to diagnose myself with these issues because if it were to happen to anyone, it should happen to me. Cancer shouldn't reappear in someone who has already fought it and been through that torture, it should happen to me. With all of the things I have done wrong and taken for granted, I have finally realized that I put myself through this mental torture because I feel I deserve it.
As God has been working in my heart and mind regarding my lifestyle and becoming a better person I wonder if there is ever a time where someone feels worthy of God's blessings? In the Bible it says to ask and expect patiently. Love God and love others and God will heap blessings unto your life. No matter how progressively I have added these aspects into my life I still feel unworthy. I am so grateful for everything I have. I wish I would have started acting like it a long time ago.
2 comments:
You will constantly be humbled by the blessings God sends your way. I know I am. The bigger the blessing the more you are humbled. In fact I feel guilty asking for more as I constantly work on becoming a better and more Godly woman as well. He has already given me so much.
But the bottom line is, none of us will ever deserve what God gives us. We just need to recognize how lucky we are that He still showers us with blessing.
There is a delicate balance between praying with expectancy and feeling entitled. For me, its all about where my heart is. I pray knowing God can do amazing things, and knowing He has and will do them for me again. But i keep in mind that His plan for me is greater than mine and try to be patient with the timing and when i get a no.
keep at it woman! you are on the right path.
--Beth Bernard
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