I was 15 when my sister got married. It was a beautiful October ceremony at First Federated Church (they have a gorgeous sanctuary). As I was standing beside the altar I caught notice of a group of Asian beetles crawling up the back of my sisters wedding dress. I tried as hard as I could to hold back the laughs, but quickly everyone in the sanctuary noticed my failed attempt. The giggles caught on from the bridal party, to the guests, to the bride and groom and finally the pastor. Unfortunately when my sister's wedding is brought up that is not the memory that everyone likes to talk about. See, after the wedding we rode around on the trolly until the reception. I was clearly underage but was allowed to drink with the rest of the bridal party. I was keeping up with the more experienced and was chugging down Jack Daniel's coolers like they were kool-aid. Before I knew it I was drunk. As we made our grand entrance down the Packard Plaza stairs it was clear to all of the guests that I had been over-served. My embarrassment only started at that moment but continued when I woke up after passing out for 3 hours during the reception to my divorced parents both staring over me.
As my family reminisces about this occasion it NEVER fails that my mistake is exposed time after time. I apologized to all parties involved but old mistakes seem to rear their ugly head.
Since thats the way I've been conditioned as a kid, I find myself having difficulty when repenting my sin. Although it's undeserved God forgives us for our sins and then forgets them. I on the other hand have difficulty with the forgetting part. Any time something slightly resembles anything I have repented for, all of those sins come back and I feel even more undeserving. My mind starts to fill with thoughts breaking down all of the progress that I've made and that I deserve anything bad that happens. I know that's not healthy, but I also know they are not thoughts I am intended to have. That if I persevere through the attack, God will protect me. Even though I will always be unworthy, God's grace allows me to put those transgressions back where they belong.
I haven't quite figured out just how to forget but I know the closer I get to Him, the less I will think of exactly who I used to be.
And in case you are wondering, I haven't had a Jack Daniel's cooler since. :)
1 comment:
Beautiful post!
I came across this yesterday and thought of this post:
"Shame is powerful. It can be life controlling. At all cost, I feel compelled to protect myself from ridicule, rejection, or revulsion. The devil's lie seems so true, that facing the worst about me in the presence of someone who matters to me is unbearably painful."
Post a Comment