Monday, November 30, 2009

Power of Prayer

I'm in the middle of reading this book that was recommended to me and it has gotten me to start thinking about prayer and the role it has on our lives. As a Christian it is expected that you pray, in order to get closer to God, to have conversation with Him daily. In other religions prayer has more structure and it's more of a ritual then a tool for communication. I have had answered prayers in the past so I do know there is power in praying. More often then not I believe in praying for other people more then praying for myself.

We are told to pray to Him with all your wants and expect them to happen. In the Bible it says to come to him, "Ask, Seek, Knock" "You will be delivered all the desires of your heart" etc. But almost in the same breath we are told to not look at God as a Genie that will deliver any gift but as someone who will always be there with you through the tough times.

If God is always there, and God has a plan for all of our lives and God knows the deepest desires of our heart, what does prayer do? Remind us of what we are wanting that we may or may not have? Test our faith? State the obvious to the person who already knows? If we didn't pray during/for/about situations would the same outcome occur?

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Thanksgiving Update

Well the first Holiday of anticipation has come and gone and I have to admit it wasn't as awful as I thought it would be. We had a nice day at my aunt and uncles. Roeder Bowl usually consists of breakfast, golfing, lunch, flag football, dinner and then games. This is the first holiday in years that all 3 of my sisters and I were together. It really surprised me that my mom elected to stay home alone on Thankgiving but went over to their house the day after for dinner.

As Advent starts today the message was Hope. Being able to not get distracted and worship fully during the Holiday season really gives me hope. I am still not sure my Christmas plans but I will cross that bridge when it comes.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Holidays = Anxiety

My friends play it off as a joke, but if you know me at all you will understand that I truly get anxiety when it comes to holidays. I never dress up for Halloween, (this year was the 1st time in 6 years) I never have a Valentine, I don't really get into the whole New Years thing, partially because nothing too exciting ever happens and my birthday hasn't really brought much joy either. Thanksgiving and Christmas probably are the two holidays that give me the most anxiety.

Growing up in a split household, holidays were always court-ordered. Thanksgiving at Dads, Christmas with mom, and the next year would be opposite. The anxiety started when I had a choice. The worst part was choosing who to spend each holiday with because no matter if it was equal you always felt as if you were letting someone down. The older I got the issue changed from attendance to buying gifts. It became a huge deal and the conversations usually started mid-June/July.

Last year I made a concerted effort to enjoy the holidays. I bought my first artificial Christmas tree and it was the first tree I've had since 6th grade. I feel very proud of my efforts in 2008.

This year, the anxiety has started already. In the past few months I have been reminded at least twice about the amount of wine I consumed at Christmas- if you knew the situations you wouldn't have blamed me, I swear-. (Nothing like being reminded of your faults by family to put you in the Holiday Spirit.) Since last Christmas there have been two separations in my immediate family, my mother has told me she wants to stay home alone instead of joining the rest of us at my aunt & uncles, and I have no idea where I will be for Christmas, let alone who I am expected to buy gifts for. Gifts are another can of worms, going from not exchanging gifts to then exchanging them because you were feeling guilty, etc. UGH. I will have to say that for the past two years Thanksgiving has gotten progressively better.

I will vow to try and make the best of things, but it's not looking so promising. Summaries of both events will follow. All of this to say I already have Holiday anxiety.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

3 year olds

I decided to pick up my neice and nephews this weekend for a sleepover. They've never spent the night with me at my apartment, so I thought it'd be fun. One thing I realized over the weekend is that that I am not prepared to be a single caretaker of 3 at the age of 24. There's another realization that I came up with, but not until tonight.

My 3 year old nephew Ethan is at the stage of asking "Why?" after EVERYTHING. Even if it doesn't even make sense, he asks. Me: Ethan, put your clothes back on. Ethan: Why. Me: Because you can't run around naked. It was cute on occasion but by the time I took him back if I heard that simple question one more time I was going to freak.

Tonight as I sit here to mentally prepare for the week ahead and recap the past week I find myself asking the same question. The embarrassing part is I am that 3 year old. I would imagine the question started at a very young age and twenty some odd years it still remains unanswered. Why do things happen? Why don't they happen?

I can't wait to find out one day so I can finally stop asking.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Here you are.

The last few years have been a journey for me to say the least. It got to the point where I was rock bottom and needed help. I turned to everyone that I knew would support me and have grown so much personally that I can't not repay them.

I get very reflective around this time of year. Partially because it means a new year for new blessings and mistakes is about to start. I for sure thought 2009 would be "My Year", whatever that meant. Chances are I will consider every year until I'm in the ground "My Year".

God has blessed me lately with the ability to see things for the reality that they are. I look at people who were in my life and the route they have chosen for themselves and every time I do, I thank God for unanswered prayers. I can't imagine what my life would be like if they were still in the picture. I'm beginning to realize that about myself. We all look at situations as if they are the most important thing in life to us at that moment. When they are out of the picture or over with it's as if the feelings that existed were mere figments of my imagination, or false satisfaction for personal desires.

The good, the bad, the ugly. They are all a part of what makes our story. I now look at those people as just that, fuel to my story of life. So thank you to the people (I really wanted to put assholes- not because I'm bitter or angry but because it's a fun word to say) for being just a part of my story.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

The ugly truth

My mom is probably the most independent woman I have ever met. She was forced into this position a little over 20 years ago and dedicated to raising my sisters and I to count on ourselves and only ourselves. If there was anything we wanted growing up we worked hard to get it.

I see this affecting how I live my life today. Perfect example: the other day I went into Verizon to look into purchasing a new phone. The internet told me it'd be cheaper then the sales guy was, and he definitely wasn't giving me the answer I wanted. I got upset and left. Big whoop. I don't NEED a new phone, it would just be a luxury. But it made me realize how I honestly don't like when things don't pan out the way I imagine.

How can we constantly remind ourselves that unfortunately life is not all about us? It needs to be how we love others and how we can change/impact lives around us.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Strawberry Surprise

So I was laying in bed last night when I hear my door start to make noise, it made me realize two things. 1. My door for sure needs some WD-40 2. MY ROOMMATE IS HOME FROM HONDURAS. It's been a really challenging week and I have missed her more then she can imagine. Plus, she doesn't read my blog, and I told her I'd only speak of it one time.

She is giddy for me to open my gift that she brought back from Honduras. She was telling me the story of some nativity scenes without Baby Jesus, Mary, Wisemen, etc. Then she came to this row of fruit and as she lifted it up, she knew she had found my gift. Maybe it's because she knew I'd get a good laugh out of it, or maybe she thinks I'm just a freak, but just know that the Strawberry Surprise is ready for any curious visitors we will have.

Thank you, my perverted minded friend. I love my gift.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Crazy Sexy Cool

So I haven't been feeling quite 'myself' lately. As I have talked to other people about it, I can only classify it as a type of crazy. It's like when you know who you are, know how you typically react to circumstances and all of a sudden your mind flips a switch.

I was talkin with a friend of mine last night and he just seemed to put everything in perspective. After our phone conversation I felt clarity. I read a book later that night that seemed to be speaking my language and woke up with a slap-happy attitude. Of course in retrospect I feel just as crazy to be able to go from one extreme to the other so quickly. I can imagine this feeling of clarity won't always be this strong, but hell, I'll take it!

The title of this blog doesn't really mean anything, just wanted to bring by TLC. :)

Monday, November 02, 2009

It's not easy

We are all faced with challenges in life and unfortunately no matter how much we'd want them to end, they aren't going to.

I've been thinking a lot about the idea of Story due to my recent obsession of Donald Miller and his new book "A Million Miles in a Million Years". It gives me hope to know that even if the challenges won't stop taking an outsiders view of what has happened helps get me out of the mud for awhile.

One of my many challenges lately has been causing my heart a lot of anguish. The hardest part about it is that I have brought this all on myself. Choosing to stand up for what I should know is in my best interest, yet at the same time doubting my every decision. It's not easy to stop something that made me laugh a lot, feel cared about and forget all the crap that has been going on all at the same time. But I know in the long run all of that would eventually stop and I'd be stuck alone at square one.

Life's not made to be easy...for anyone.