Crime and Society

At the beginning of the semester I was signed up for a Computer Data Class. I was not only the ONLY female in the room but my friend looked at me, laughed, and said "What are YOU doing in here" on the first day. So because Bradley University has a stupid rule that you have to have a certain amount of university hours to graduate, I decided to take a class called "Crime and Society". Yes, this is the class that I have only sat through the entirety a handfull of times. Thursday, I made it almost an hour before leaving!

I had every intention of actually staying the whole time, and the only reason I stayed that long was because the instructor was talking about something that I had a hard time dealing with. I even raised my hand and participated in class (in a lecture hall for that matter....50-75 people!!) The class consists of him talking in monotone for 1 hour and 15 minutes two times a week, a midterm and a final of 2 essays each. We were discussing the questions for the midterm on Thursday and I believe I am a COM major for a reason.

Dr Zantz (I think that's his name) was explaining that each essay we were to just explain how we understand the answer to be. In lamens terms, or what I understand it to be, its how society shapes our views. We know things because we've been taught and things happen because thats how they have always been. So I decided to ask if we'd be penalized for putting our views into the essay. I disagreed with the explanation of the world being this horrible JUST BECAUSE. After I clarified my disagreement with the teacher for religious reasons he preceded to tell me.. "Most of the times people are so scared to think outside of their own box because they don't want to see a subject from a different view. They are scared that they might like the view, risk their morals and change their opinion." Oh HECK NO! I was being told that I was scared to see things from a sociological perspective because I was so insecure in my faith that I was afraid I'd change my view. I decided to leave class after that.

So there is my justification for never going to this class... ;)


My reason to smile: I filled my tank with gas and it ONLY cost me $43.00!!!!!

A control freak turns uncontrollable

Okay, I admit it. I am a control freak. I never really realized it until yesterday. But now that the thought crossed my mind I am seeing all sorts of signs. For instance, I always drive. In the special occasion that I don't, I am a backseat driver. I get nervous when riding with others, and the person could actually be the safest driver out there, but if I'm not behind the wheel its rough. (I will say that the more I ride with someone the safer I feel.) CONTROL ISSUE #1.

As most of you may know I am a very take charge kind of girl. Things don't necessarily have to be done my way, but if they are I am most likely to be satisfied with the results. Wow I just reread that statement and considered deleting it due to the extremely selfish tone of it. But for the sake of the blog, I will leave it. (Just a disclaimer, I am really not that selfish. I took a test last night in class that placed me under the 'accomadating' and 'compromising' categories for conflict.) I like the feeling of being able to complete a task. CONTROL ISSUE #2.

I could keep going and probably wouldn't have to dig very far with all of my control issues, trust me there are way more than just two. But thats not the point...

Yesterday I felt helpless. I had no control. My mood affected everything I did. I blame it solely on my medicine, but the biggest struggle I had was not being able to change how I felt. The day started out beautifully. The weather was amazing, I had two out of 5 classes cancelled and there was really nothing bogging me down. I skipped half of my class so I could sit outside and study for my test...(don't judge me for attending 45 minutes total of the last 3 Crime and Society classes I've had) I was able to go for a walk with my mom during the day... My day should have been perfect. But as most of you are used to seeing me, I wasn't smiley and bubbly, I kept to myself and at certain points of the day just wanted to be alone. I prayed, listened to happy music, tried talking to friends but nothing I did helped. I analyzed everything and never came up positive.

I know that everything happens for a reason, and I have full faith that God is giving me the strength I need for my health...but I started to think yesterday that maybe this is my sign to give up control. I do hold on to certain things tightly and maybe its time to just give it all up. Hmmmmm....


Reason to smile: The David Crowder & Third Day concert is tomorrow!!!

The sum of it all

This past week has been really great, overall. Granted there have been a few bumps in my road but through a little help from others I've managed to cruise on.

So I'm pretty content in my life right now. I'm constantly learning more about God and in turn more about myself. I've been surrounded by great people who help my journey tremondously. (SP?) The past few weeks I've been tested in certain areas and in my opinion succeeded!

One thing I've struggled with...struggle sounds like such a bad word. I've thought about this a lot...much better, is marriage. At my age I find it beautiful but frustrating watching everyone around me getting engaged and married and starting a family. At times it felt as though my ball would never be pulled in the lottery of love. It was almost as if I was stressing to find 'the one' yet there were so many other areas of my life I wasn't okay in first. I've read the books, had the debates, and all in all these past few weeks I have realized I am okay being single. So does anyone besides me ever feel tested when everything is going great?

I was working at the hotel yesterday and there was a lot of guests that were around my age. I thought they were in town for a sporting event or something and when I asked I got a surprising answer. They were in town from Texas because a college buddy of theirs is getting married today. It was so exciting to watch them all day because everyone was giddy. The mother of the groom was setting up for the rehearsal dinner in our meeting room and it was a blessing to watch how excited she was. It made me want to get married. (In the future)

Then last night I was at Nexus, which by the way was so energizing! Worship was great and the talk was great. Charlie gave a few lists regarding dating. I have never agreed and felt more challenged regarding my dating situation. I know how I want to handle things when I find that person...and I can honestly say I am okay with waiting. This doesn't mean ideas don't run through my head ;o)

My reason to smile: Love.

Alive.

Thats the best word I can use to describe this feeling. It's like nothing can get me down. Even when I slept through my alarm and woke up 2 1/2 hours later (talk about rushing for class) my head was held high. Everything I needed to get accomplished for this week is done. My day lasted 12 hours, but in those 12 hours I've never felt so alive.

I got home and started to check my e-mail. I recieved one from a friend of mine. We have known each other since highschool and throughout the years both of us have grown closer to God. Its as if we both have seen where we've been and where we're going and have learned to appreciate God for it. In this e-mail was a story about a boy. He had to write an essay for a class describing Heaven. This essay was written two months prior to the boy being killed in a freak accident. It touched my heart and made me take a good look at my life. I am attaching it to this blog because I think everyone needs to read this. It made me feel even more alive...in a different way. It made me see things for how they are, even though I don't want them to be. Thanks Molly! I am truely blessed to call you a friend!!


Brian's Essay: The Room...

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room.
There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with
small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list
titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which
stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction,
had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to
catch my attention was one that read "Girls I have liked" I opened it and
began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that
I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I
knew exactly where I was.

This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my
life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a
detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled
with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and
exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a >sense
of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if
anyone was watching.

A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I have betrayed." The
titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird "Books I Have Read,"
Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed at." Some
were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've yelled at my brothers
" Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger", "Things I
Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised
by the contents.

Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I
hoped I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could
it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these
thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth.
Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked "TV Shows I have watched", I realized the
files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet
after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it,
shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew
that file represented.

When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through
my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size
and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content.

I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal
rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these
cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In insane
frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it
and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the
floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out
a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.

Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my
forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh.
And then I saw it.. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With."
The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled
on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my
hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt. They
started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I
cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file
shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this
room. I must lock it up and hide the key. But then as I pushed away the
tears, I saw Him.

No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as
He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His
response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw
a sorrow deeper than my own.

He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read
every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He
looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me
I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He
walked over and put His arm around me.. He could have said so many things.
But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of
the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over
mine on each card. "No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say
was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these
cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name
of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the
card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think
I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it
seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side.

He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished." I stood up,
and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door.. There were
still cards to be written.


My reason to smile today: Sweatpants, coffee, and dinner with a friend ;o)

Permadent.

Or should I say Perma-smile. The past few days have really been a blessing for me. I've needed them. I have felt so in-line with God and with that I feel organized (read previous post) and like I can accomplish anything.

Work was hard today and I had plans of hitting the books right when I got home. Well I sat on my bed and checked my ritual or websites, and I accidentally fell asleep, for 2 hours!! Tonight was our second Young Life club. On my way there I rolled down all the windows and turned up the music...it was BEAUTIFUL outside!!!! Club tonight...ahh talk about high energy and amazing. I love the people I lead with! We all have different talents to bring to the club and although it didn't run completely without bumps...I felt amazing afterward. The kids are great and we have a lot of new faces!! It makes me pumped for the weeks to come!! PERMA-SMILE.

After club I had every intention of coming home and doing my homework. Instead I wanted to go to full volume. Not only was the worship great, but I had the chance to hear my friend Jake talk for the first time! You know when you are on fire for God and you hear someone talk...could be your best friend, could be a complete stranger and you feel as though the message is directed towards you...well thats how I felt. The whole time he was giving the message I had this desire in my heart to revamp where my worship was headed. I love worship. It's one of my favorite things! But it's like there are smaller things that I worship in addition to God instead of just Him, because He in actuality IS the small things. Love is something I worship besides Jesus. But Jesus IS love. Instead of concentrating on the smaller aspect I need to give it all to the greater good. Perma-smile.

After Full Volume I had great conversation and I really felt blessed with all of my friendships. I love when we can dance around and be stupid and know that everyone is watching us and it doesn't matter. Thats how tonight was. (Granted in the back of my mind I had all the stuff I have to do by tomorrow but It didn't matter.) On my way back home we, Tara, Zach and myself turned up music, rolled the windows down and sang as loud as we could to worship songs while driving on the back country roads. God's sky was beautiful. Stars shining bright, cold breeze.....PERMA-SMILE.


Today's reason to smile: Because I can't stop. ;o)

Organized by faith

Today has been such a great day. Granted my long weekend is over and I feel a bit overwhelmed with my week to come...but I've never felt as energized as I do right now. I decided to try out this group called Confessions at Riverside Community Church tonight. I saw it to be Riverside's version of Nexus. The worship was amazing! If work doesn't end up scheduling me on Sunday nights anymore I will most likely go back! I met some really great people!

So I was thinking. (watch out) It seems as though whenever I feel in line with God..my life is organized. Today before Confessions I did laundry, picked up a little, and I feel as though I have a grasp on everything. I feel as though God has slowed time so I can accomplish things, and allowed me to feel amazing (healthwise).

Thats all for now. I have stuff to do and for once I don't want to procrastinate on my computer!! ;o)

My reason to smile today: Feeling in line with God! Trusting that in time my path will be revealed.

Tagged, who's next?!?!

I was tagged by Christopher "Cubs Rule, Cards drool" Evans


Three things that scare me:
spiders (view previous post), snakes, when people sneak up on me!

Three people who make me laugh:
Alyssa Yoder. Ryan Anderson. and my co-workers

Three things I hate:
arrogance, rape, and slow drivers.

Three things I am doing right now:
juggling, working, and praying

Three things I can do:
love, smile, and laugh

Three ways to describe my personality:
loving, outgoing, spontaneous

Three things I can't do:
sing, wake board, divorce

Three things I think you should listen to:
God, your friends, and music

Three things I want to do before I die:
get married, travel anywhere with my hubbie, and have babies

Three favorite foods:
yummm i love food...meatloaf (i know), chicken, and I agree with Chris on the sloppy joes!!

Three shows I watched as a kid:
Snick, Fraggle Rock, Full House


Three people I tag:
Ryan
Alyssa
Abbie

A new day

So after my amazing day yesterday, last night just wasn't right. The hardest part was going from having such an insightful day to wrestling with God. I felt bi-polar. I blame the drugs. (ONLY 2 MORE MONTHS!!) Questions were running through my mind that became more frustrating the more I realized I still have no answers for them. I went to bed..slept not so well...and woke up 4 1/2 hours later just to come to work.

I am so grateful that today is a new day. The sun was rising when I got to work (this sunrise picture was from a few weeks ago with my phone's camera)and after my morning cup of coffee I began reading my book. I have started "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell. I have seen a few of the Nooma videos, I just wanted to read the book. I suddenly felt at ease. It helped me understand that its okay to question/wrestle/doubt/ask God because in doing that I am owning my faith. It made me feel normal, not bipolar. I may not know all of the answers now, and some I may not EVER know. I just know I can't let myself get caught up in it.

Today has been a really eventful day at the Courtyard hotel. Joke. I have done nothing but try and learn how to juggle. No joke. I think I'm getting the hang of it! But they are having me use balls of tissue paper so they fly through the air a little easier..because the only other balls we have are golf balls and I think everyone is a little afraid. ;o) Lets hope by the end of the day I will be a pro juggler tossing torches into the air. Joke.

My weekend is consumed with recruitment. Let's just say I have never been as anxious to have a fast weekend! It has taken up all of my weekend time...and by that time I mean church/Nexus. I can NOT wait to go next weekend!!!! ;o) Okay enough blabble.....


My reason to smile today: It's TARA HARDY's 21st BIRTHDAY!!!!! Happy birthday soon-to-be roomie!!!

Just Breath.

I was walking from Baker Hall to Bradley hall this morning and couldn't help but notice how beautiful it was outside! I was sitting in my 12:00 class, and let me tell you how BORING it is. The only time I have paid any attention in that class was when the teacher was talking about something that coincided with the book I was reading to pass the time. (Rob Bell "Velvet Elvis") I sit next to the window, first mistake, and the teacher is always late, second mistake. I ended up convincing myself that at 12:30, almost half way into the class I was going to leave and spend time outside. Let me tell you how refreshing it was! I went on a walk, book bag and all. It was a great time to talk to God about where He wants me to be and what He wants me to do. Then I had the wonderful opportuity to catch up with a friend and just talk about our lives. I started thinking I experienced so much in this time where I would just be sitting there listening to a man talk about crime and society. As I was walking I thought to myself to take it in...and just breath.

My day kept getting better. I had a quiz, more a test..teachers use funny definations for things. So I was outside on the quad studying. Never in 4 years at Bradley University have I EVER studied outside on the quad. I was joined by another friend who's conversation was just as enjoyable. I felt so full. My face was smiling ear to ear.



My reason to smile today: Fall. The cool breeze, beautiful nights, sweaters, cuddling outdoors, pumpkin 'stuff'....ahhh ;o)

Grace like rain..

Amazing Grace. How sweet that sounds. This past weekend my friends and I have been talking about grace, especially God's grace. When I was on work crew and summer staff our camp director (it was the same amazing man each time) would tell us that every time it rained, God was washing away our sins. I have been thinking a lot about grace as well as other things, and ironically it rained this weekend.

The hardest part about being renewed in Christ, is when people have seen the 'before' half of you. Its like you are constantly under the microscope. And when you fall, you are so afraid they will rub it in your face and say 'HA, I KNEW IT'. I worry that when I make a mistake, people will think its a struggle. I worry I will burn all bridges to amazing things in my future. I worry so much about so much. On my journey I have come to appreciate God's forgiveness and forgetfulness. But if it's so easy for God to forgive us why is it so hard for me to forgive myself, or others to forgive me. My friend told me today, and I have never claimed this as true until today, the amazing thing about sin is the desparate desire you have for God afterward.

I never really thought much about grace, it was just sort of there. When I used to make mistakes I always got a feeling that no one will understand and I try to avoid the subject like the plague until people would forget about it, or long enough that they didn't even care to bring it up again. Now that I'm farther on in my walk I find it necessary to get things on the table so nothing gets bottled up inside. As I was needing grace from a few friends this weekend I started thinking about people that I haven't granted that to. Not outwardly known, but deep inside I was holding onto a few things that really didn't matter. I expected people to let things go for me when I hadn't done that for others. I have never felt so selfish. (I'm sure I have but not in a long time!!)

I can honestly say that I don't think I'd be anywhere near where I am today if people didn't have grace towards me. I now will strive to give it to others.

Today's reason to smile: (I have two) Knowing that although we may let people down in our lives, by grace alone we still have our number one fan cheering us on!! and Young Life starts tomorrow!!!! ;o)

Arachnophobia.

I saw the movie when I was 6 and have been afraid of spiders ever since. The past two years I have lived in a bedroom in a basement so my interaction with 8-legged creatures have increased. I have gotten better because there have been times when I have to kill them myself. Last night as I was showering from a long day of recruitment (I'll talk about that in a bit) I was standing under the running water with facewash on and I opened my eyes to a SPIDER HANGING FROM THE CEILING ON HIS WEB!!!! EYE LEVEL!!!!!! Of course I did the most girly thing without even thinking and I screamed bloody murder-over and over with a little shrieking. I was trying to push myself as far away from this nasty thing but in a small little shower (no bath tub) there wasn't much room. I was knocking things off of the shelf and I felt like spiderman as I was proped in the corner. My mom came running down due to my continuous yelling and I had absolutely no problem inviting her into the bathroom to kill this thing. She of course was like "Oh look its making a web" and I wasn't concerned with that at all!! He was in my shower sneakin a peak! What makes you realize how badly I was feeling, I moved the shower curtain and at this point I was half screaming and half laughing because I was so nervous...I did not care if my mom saw me naked (she didn't look I think) Now I have not allowed that since I was in pampers!! I was desparate. Luckily Cathy came to the rescue and allowed me to enjoy the rest of my shower. (A little embarrassed)

Yesterday was the first day of recruitment! It was awesome. We are supposed to have 10 girls total....well I had 6 not show up. Which left me with 4. I was bummed out even though there is a possibility they'd come today....but then I got to know my girls. With the smaller group we had plenty of time to talk and just hang out. I loved it! The other groups have full numbers and haven't really gotten too personal. I feel as though this is such a great opportunity to witness and I am excited that I have four amazing girls!!!

A great reason to smile: I got 12 hours of sleep last night!! But also knowing God puts us in places where we can be used as influences to others because He loves us so much and believes we can do a great job for the Kingdom!

A dunk in the water with a heart on fire..

Ever since August I have had something weighing on my heart. I feel as though I should get baptized. But here's the deal:

My parents had me baptized when I was a baby. I don't remember it, and I obviously didn't know what it meant. I've asked other people their thoughts and I have recieved different answers. Is once enough? I can understand adults getting baptised if they had never been, but I'm struggling with where I am in my life. I have been baptised, I strayed from God until my Junior year of highschool, recommited my life to God and actually understood what it meant to be a Christian, strayed and now my heart is on fire for God. Throughout the years I have been a Young Life leader showing highschool kids the love of Christ. If I were going to be baptized a second time shouldn't I have done it before I started to influence kids lives? I have already been 'cleansed' of my sins, what good would it do? But even as I was pulling up to church this morning the feeling came back that I should do it. I want it to be more than just a 'show'. I would love opinions on this topic!!!

Last night I had the opportunity to get to know two amazing people on a deeper level. On my way home I got a call from one of them, my friend Autumn. She and I have so much in common and because of our work schedules, we never really knew it until last night. We were talking about how easy it was to let our focus stray from God. The second something new comes along its as if God takes a backseat. I prayed about it when I was going to bed and today I have never felt so on fire for God. Its as if I am constantly growing and I honestly feel I know what it feels like now to be in love. I can't get enough. It's like I've been in constant conversation with Him all day, and I feel so content with His will.


I have come up with a better idea than to end my blogs with the usual "POG". I am now going to do reasons to smile. Today's is for my single friends:

Today's reason to smile: Knowing that God has a perfect person in mind for us. And the love will be unconditional just like His. :o)

Consecrated.

I will be honest, until this past week I never knew what this word meant. It was always one of those 'churchy' words I never cared to learn. But the past two sermons at Northwoods have not only showed me, but inspired me. Consecrate...sounds like such a dirty word.

When I first became a Christian I lived my life for myself. As I had mentioned before I never felt conviction so I kept doing it. But the further I grew in my faith, the more I understood. I started to live for Him and not myself, or at least I thought I was. This past week I have been thinking a lot about my faith. Certain opportunities have risen and I feel as though I can let go a lot. I have always been afraid of living my Christianity out loud. I cared too much what my friends and my family would think of me. This past week I have been able to let that go.

I got a phone call on Wednesday from my YL area director Scott. We set up a lunch appointment to discuss full time Young Life staff. I couldn't stop smiling. All my thoughts and plans for my future seemed to disappear and I could only think of this. Wednesday night Cal talked about living for God and fully submitting ourselves to Him, what perfect timing. During my lunch we talked about the opportunities of full time staff and then came the kicker....after my interview the region could place me whereever they saw a need for me. Indiana, Wisconsin, Iowa, or Illinois. All of a sudden I started to feel nervous, almost as if I was saying "Okay God I'm willing to do your will as long as you place me in Peoria." What confuses me the most is the fact I was so set on California and as soon as I thought I'd be working in Peoria for full-time YL then it dissappeared...but then once I heard it could be elsewhere I got nervous again. In the same sense it's kind of like me saying, "God I want a Christian boyfriend/husband" but then adding in, "as long as he can fit in with my family." What am I thinking.

My goal for this week is to put myself aside in everything I do. Relationships, transitions, and whatever else may come my way. Oh and PS: A prayer request I would have would be a staff position open up around the area....I don't know if I am ready to leave quite yet!


POG to you, and may you be consecrated too. :o)