I laid in bed early this morning clutching to my pillow as the thunder cracked and shook my apartment complex. I have never felt so fearful in my life and after praying for it, I never receieved peace. I know that fear does not come from the Lord but even after I prayed the fear never left. Yes, it did stop cracking and booming long enough for me to fall back asleep but even when I woke again to head to the gym anxiety filled my heart.
I've been thinking a lot about my walk with Christ. There have been some things that I have always struggled with that I know in my heart are on the way out the door. I am human and tend to find myself slipping, but I always pull back in-line with how I am supposed to live. After multiple conversations with Christian friends and even a few sermons at church I know that if you do something wrong or that isn't lined up with God's will then we need to make it right. But what if I don't know what will make it right? I can apoligize to those involved, ask for forgiveness but I don't seem to forgive myself.
That's where I am. Humbled.
Monday, July 07, 2008
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Called out.
The past month I've been called out by at least two people regarding my blogging activity. To answer any questions, no I didn't quit blogging. Someone once brought it to my attention that I only blog when things are bothering me. If thats true, maybe my lack of blog posts is a good sign. So I'll update you.
I love my job. I love the people, schedule, hours, company. Everything is wonderful. It keeps me busy and interactive.
I'm moving out May 31st. Tara and I are parting ways- on good terms of course, but it's been a good two years having her as a roomate. I'm going to be living alone for the first time. There are personal concerns, but I think this will be the best for me.
My dating world is null and void. I meet great people but there are always 'hangups'. I wonder why I meet this people if they are just going to be my friend. I'm 23 years old, have a lot of friends, and to be completely honest feel like a girl on a diet at a buffett being told not to eat anything. :) Oh well, one day.
I think thats the update, I'll try to remember to do this more often.
I love my job. I love the people, schedule, hours, company. Everything is wonderful. It keeps me busy and interactive.
I'm moving out May 31st. Tara and I are parting ways- on good terms of course, but it's been a good two years having her as a roomate. I'm going to be living alone for the first time. There are personal concerns, but I think this will be the best for me.
My dating world is null and void. I meet great people but there are always 'hangups'. I wonder why I meet this people if they are just going to be my friend. I'm 23 years old, have a lot of friends, and to be completely honest feel like a girl on a diet at a buffett being told not to eat anything. :) Oh well, one day.
I think thats the update, I'll try to remember to do this more often.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Free as a bird in a cage.
Psalm 11:1-3
"In the Lord I put my trust; How can you say to my soul, Flee as a bird to your mountain? For Look! The wicked bend their bow, they make ready their arror on the wrong, that they may shoot secretly at the upright in heart. If the foundations are destroyed what can the righteous do?"
The challenges of a spiritual plateau seem inevitable. This passage has resignated in my heart the past few weeks because it gives me a vision of reason, an explanation of some sort.
I feel as though the closer I get with God and the more I 'spread my spiritual wings' the more my heart hurts with frustration. None of us can ever be whole hearted like Jesus, we always fall short. It's like a tease. Sure we all want to be great disciples and live like God intended, it's like a race where the finish line keeps moving farther and farther.
"In the Lord I put my trust; How can you say to my soul, Flee as a bird to your mountain? For Look! The wicked bend their bow, they make ready their arror on the wrong, that they may shoot secretly at the upright in heart. If the foundations are destroyed what can the righteous do?"
The challenges of a spiritual plateau seem inevitable. This passage has resignated in my heart the past few weeks because it gives me a vision of reason, an explanation of some sort.
I feel as though the closer I get with God and the more I 'spread my spiritual wings' the more my heart hurts with frustration. None of us can ever be whole hearted like Jesus, we always fall short. It's like a tease. Sure we all want to be great disciples and live like God intended, it's like a race where the finish line keeps moving farther and farther.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Jesus on TV
I've been a fan of American Idol this season, simply because I enjoy the acoustic sounds that most of the contestants are prone to this year. I'm sitting here both amazed and impressed with what I just saw on tonight's episode.
Dolly Parton's songs were covered and she was the 'vocal coach' for this week. She just preformed a song called "Jesus and Gravity". The song talked about the only thing she will ever need is Jesus to pick her up when she falls. She preceded to tell Ryan Seacrest that "She has Jesus, he (Ryan) can keep Simon." This 5 minute presentation continued on national TV.
I'm surprised that national television let this happen, and I wonder just how much flack she'll get for speaking the Truth and her beliefs. Way to go Dolly.
Dolly Parton's songs were covered and she was the 'vocal coach' for this week. She just preformed a song called "Jesus and Gravity". The song talked about the only thing she will ever need is Jesus to pick her up when she falls. She preceded to tell Ryan Seacrest that "She has Jesus, he (Ryan) can keep Simon." This 5 minute presentation continued on national TV.
I'm surprised that national television let this happen, and I wonder just how much flack she'll get for speaking the Truth and her beliefs. Way to go Dolly.
A "Mutual" Fit
I've been at my job as the Director of Recruiting at Northwestern Mutual for about a month now. I can't being to explain how I feel.
For starters, my boss is a very Godly man. He has challenged me personally, spiritually and professionally. Because of him I now have written goals and feel completely supported in whatever decisions I make for the company. That same feeling carries over to the other men (and staff women) in my network office. They are awesome people who genuinely love and care about helping others.
I find myself looking at the clock after 5, not realizing how fast the day goes by. I enjoy waking up in the morning to come to work. I have a lot to do, but it's an exciting overwhelming, not stressful. I meet a lot of new people daily!
Yesterday I was in Champaign for the day to meet and train with some of our network employees. I'm in charge of Contract & Licensing employees so I've been in touch with them a lot, it was great to finally put the faces to the names & voices. Four of us who work directly together had a nice lunch at Biaggi's. We talked about personal matters and then I decided to ask them about their history with the company. Every one of them had a great story of how they got involved and one in particular brought me to tears. Her name was Cheryl and as she told her story she was speaking what I was feeling about life. She told me, "Leslie, God's timing is always perfect." I was sitting with my new co-workers feeling the presence of God, and feeling re-assured that this feeling I had about my new job wasn't just 'too good to be true'. Everyone I've met at Northwestern Mutual truly loves what they do, and it really is like a family here.
For starters, my boss is a very Godly man. He has challenged me personally, spiritually and professionally. Because of him I now have written goals and feel completely supported in whatever decisions I make for the company. That same feeling carries over to the other men (and staff women) in my network office. They are awesome people who genuinely love and care about helping others.
I find myself looking at the clock after 5, not realizing how fast the day goes by. I enjoy waking up in the morning to come to work. I have a lot to do, but it's an exciting overwhelming, not stressful. I meet a lot of new people daily!
Yesterday I was in Champaign for the day to meet and train with some of our network employees. I'm in charge of Contract & Licensing employees so I've been in touch with them a lot, it was great to finally put the faces to the names & voices. Four of us who work directly together had a nice lunch at Biaggi's. We talked about personal matters and then I decided to ask them about their history with the company. Every one of them had a great story of how they got involved and one in particular brought me to tears. Her name was Cheryl and as she told her story she was speaking what I was feeling about life. She told me, "Leslie, God's timing is always perfect." I was sitting with my new co-workers feeling the presence of God, and feeling re-assured that this feeling I had about my new job wasn't just 'too good to be true'. Everyone I've met at Northwestern Mutual truly loves what they do, and it really is like a family here.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Unexpected..
Over the past few months I've been babysitting for this couple that has two extremely intelligent boys. One of them just turned 4 in November and can translate between Swedish and English (I'll tell him something in English to say and he says it in Swedish.) They are so much fun and I'm constantly blown away by their intelligence. The little one is two and can read. The parents are so nice and have been supportive of my 'changes' the past few months.
The other night I caught view of a book that completely surprised me. It was "The Atheist Guidebook." It was a compilation of various pieces regarding atheism. The minutes went by so slowly until the kids went to bed because my curiosity was killing me. I wanted to open and see what outlandish ideas these folks had.
I read that...
Jesus was a magician and that's how he preformed miracles.
Jesus was real, but he was not the son of God.
Christianity is selfish because "We Christians" are the only ones that can be saved.
I can't tell you how unsafe I felt while reading that. I didn't believe a single word, and when I came across things that irked me I wanted to shout my beliefs outloud. It's scary to know that nice people like these aren't saved.
The other night I caught view of a book that completely surprised me. It was "The Atheist Guidebook." It was a compilation of various pieces regarding atheism. The minutes went by so slowly until the kids went to bed because my curiosity was killing me. I wanted to open and see what outlandish ideas these folks had.
I read that...
Jesus was a magician and that's how he preformed miracles.
Jesus was real, but he was not the son of God.
Christianity is selfish because "We Christians" are the only ones that can be saved.
I can't tell you how unsafe I felt while reading that. I didn't believe a single word, and when I came across things that irked me I wanted to shout my beliefs outloud. It's scary to know that nice people like these aren't saved.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Lent
My heart hasn't been right with the whole "Lent" idea. Maybe it's because it wasn't a part of my culture growing up, but this year I decided to jump on the Lent bandwagon without much knowledge.
I know you give up something for 40 days (I saw the movie 40days/40nights) and you get one day a week to 'cheat'. I've done pretty well if I do say so myself and until last night stuck to that rule. I was sitting there with friends at PoBoys (which is actually a cool place if you haven't been there!! Hidden entertainment in Peoria.) A friend bought me a drink and I drank it. Not 10, but one. I didn't feel conviction.
To me, there are so many loopholes when it comes to Lent. If it's supposed to be a symbolism of sacrifice, why do you get the cheat day? You are supposed to use the temptation time to pray, but how many people remember to do that? Maybe it's just because I'm green behind the ears on this subject, but I didn't. Let's say you give up swearing for lent, that takes training of the tongue to stop, and you accidentally slip. You ask for forgiveness and 'try' not to do it again? It just seems too easy.
Daily I try to step outside of the box to focus on what I need to change/sacrifice for my relationship with God to grow. I've heard others this sacrificial time is supposed to help with struggles in the future. (Not swearing like a sailor for 40 days should help in that arena, etc) I don't think I've grown as a person by giving up alcohol. Maybe I am looking at this whole experience in the wrong light, and in that case I'd be up to listening to support. I just don't think "Lent" is something I'll participate in again.
I know you give up something for 40 days (I saw the movie 40days/40nights) and you get one day a week to 'cheat'. I've done pretty well if I do say so myself and until last night stuck to that rule. I was sitting there with friends at PoBoys (which is actually a cool place if you haven't been there!! Hidden entertainment in Peoria.) A friend bought me a drink and I drank it. Not 10, but one. I didn't feel conviction.
To me, there are so many loopholes when it comes to Lent. If it's supposed to be a symbolism of sacrifice, why do you get the cheat day? You are supposed to use the temptation time to pray, but how many people remember to do that? Maybe it's just because I'm green behind the ears on this subject, but I didn't. Let's say you give up swearing for lent, that takes training of the tongue to stop, and you accidentally slip. You ask for forgiveness and 'try' not to do it again? It just seems too easy.
Daily I try to step outside of the box to focus on what I need to change/sacrifice for my relationship with God to grow. I've heard others this sacrificial time is supposed to help with struggles in the future. (Not swearing like a sailor for 40 days should help in that arena, etc) I don't think I've grown as a person by giving up alcohol. Maybe I am looking at this whole experience in the wrong light, and in that case I'd be up to listening to support. I just don't think "Lent" is something I'll participate in again.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
My life
I started my new job as the Director for Recruiting at Northwestern Mutual Financial Network on Monday. I think I'm going to enjoy it! I have some great people and I can't wait to take over the reigns and organize everything. Lots of new information to learn, I've already had 6 interviews to sit in on, 3 meetings so far, needless to say I'm exhausted.
With stress comes health problems. I'm STILL sick (I've been sinus-sick since December) but other issues are arrising again after two years. I know as a women my punishment since the 'fall' has been pain in childbirth....I haven't had any kids but if it's anything like what I feel now, I'll be fine.
My biggest struggle right now is balancing living in fear and joy of the Lord. I don't know why I don't feel the joy, but with everything I am in constant fear. God has blessed me so much lately and has definately helped me stand after being humbled just a few months ago. I assume I constantly fear because it wasn't that long ago I felt joy and had everything taken away. I don't know the real reason, after all, I'm not God.
Thats my lunch-hour blog. :)
With stress comes health problems. I'm STILL sick (I've been sinus-sick since December) but other issues are arrising again after two years. I know as a women my punishment since the 'fall' has been pain in childbirth....I haven't had any kids but if it's anything like what I feel now, I'll be fine.
My biggest struggle right now is balancing living in fear and joy of the Lord. I don't know why I don't feel the joy, but with everything I am in constant fear. God has blessed me so much lately and has definately helped me stand after being humbled just a few months ago. I assume I constantly fear because it wasn't that long ago I felt joy and had everything taken away. I don't know the real reason, after all, I'm not God.
Thats my lunch-hour blog. :)
Monday, March 03, 2008
New New New
So much has been going on lately, and I don't really have the desire to separate the blog posts. Here's a summary...
1. I bought a new car on Friday. It's a 2006 Honda Civic LX. I really felt that the Mazda would not be the best economically for me. I enjoy it, it gets me from A to B. with better gas mileage and without the fear of flying off the road.
2. I'm becoming more aware of how my 'brothers in Christ' treat me. Comparing my relationships to how I think I should be treated as a woman and to actually see how I'm treated is a harsh reality. This is vague, but I'm sure I'll post this more in depth later.
3. The past few weeks my life has been lived with fear of the Lord. Which I understand is good and it's how things should be, but let me give an example. I'm not excited about the car. I've told myself that God blessed me with it, He can surely take it away at the drop of a hat. Thats how I'm living my life with everything. Weird. As if God will be punishing me for everything I do wrong.
SO much is going on. I pray that God will give me strength to handle things the way I'm supposed to.
1. I bought a new car on Friday. It's a 2006 Honda Civic LX. I really felt that the Mazda would not be the best economically for me. I enjoy it, it gets me from A to B. with better gas mileage and without the fear of flying off the road.
2. I'm becoming more aware of how my 'brothers in Christ' treat me. Comparing my relationships to how I think I should be treated as a woman and to actually see how I'm treated is a harsh reality. This is vague, but I'm sure I'll post this more in depth later.
3. The past few weeks my life has been lived with fear of the Lord. Which I understand is good and it's how things should be, but let me give an example. I'm not excited about the car. I've told myself that God blessed me with it, He can surely take it away at the drop of a hat. Thats how I'm living my life with everything. Weird. As if God will be punishing me for everything I do wrong.
SO much is going on. I pray that God will give me strength to handle things the way I'm supposed to.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Adios Poopy Friends
Today was my last day at Little Friends daycare. I can't begin to tell you my thoughts or feelings at about 3pm. I'd spent the morning in pre-school and then the afternoon with crying, miserable children. We had 3 babies teething (mind you, we can't give Tylenol unless the parent brings it) one whose mother only brought 3 bottles for the day, and she's too young for anything else, one who has an ear infection and one who got sent home with a fever. I was literally counting down the minutes until the end of the day. I started at 180 minutes.
I'm looking forward to this week for clarity and a fresh start before I begin at Northwestern Mutual.
I'm looking forward to this week for clarity and a fresh start before I begin at Northwestern Mutual.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Captivated by the Wild at Heart
The past two months I decided to read both "Captivating" and "Wild at Heart". My desire is to grow as a woman of God, but how does that relate to the opposite sex. I know that these ideas in "Wild at Heart" are simply just that, ideas from a simple man of God. But some of them got me thinking...Here are my thoughts while reading "Wild at Heart" by John Eldridge.
1. "Women are viewed as the 'beauty' to be fought for." This is a hard concept for me to grasp. Can we as women do nothing but wait for men to get their act together and fight for us? Are men supposed to be the only pursuers in a relationship?
2. "Men back away from commitment or adventure because they feel they aren't good enough, or that they don't have what it takes." If this is true what can I do as a woman to show my future man (or current men in my life) that he is not a failure or good enough? Everything in this world will constantly challenge a man, how can I be the 'light' in their lives to validate them?
3. Women are attracted to the adventurous side of a man, but as soon as he is hers, she tries to tame him. (Interesting idea...I've seen this happen)
4. "We've come to believe deep in our hearts that needing anyone for anything is a weakness or handicap." (pg 122) How true this is for my life. I've been so independent that I feel ashamed when I need to ask for help or I always believe I will be let down if I trust anyone. I wonder how this will change when I 'NEED' to rely on my significant other.
5. "Satan doesn't just throw thoughts at us, he also can throw feelings." I never really thought that before. I always believed what I felt was from God. Whether it was joy or conviction.
I have learned the past few months that I love to read. I enjoy being constantly challenged by new ideas, but what I've found is that I have a lot to learn.
1. "Women are viewed as the 'beauty' to be fought for." This is a hard concept for me to grasp. Can we as women do nothing but wait for men to get their act together and fight for us? Are men supposed to be the only pursuers in a relationship?
2. "Men back away from commitment or adventure because they feel they aren't good enough, or that they don't have what it takes." If this is true what can I do as a woman to show my future man (or current men in my life) that he is not a failure or good enough? Everything in this world will constantly challenge a man, how can I be the 'light' in their lives to validate them?
3. Women are attracted to the adventurous side of a man, but as soon as he is hers, she tries to tame him. (Interesting idea...I've seen this happen)
4. "We've come to believe deep in our hearts that needing anyone for anything is a weakness or handicap." (pg 122) How true this is for my life. I've been so independent that I feel ashamed when I need to ask for help or I always believe I will be let down if I trust anyone. I wonder how this will change when I 'NEED' to rely on my significant other.
5. "Satan doesn't just throw thoughts at us, he also can throw feelings." I never really thought that before. I always believed what I felt was from God. Whether it was joy or conviction.
I have learned the past few months that I love to read. I enjoy being constantly challenged by new ideas, but what I've found is that I have a lot to learn.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
My God questions...
Ever since I was little I have always thought my uncle Mike was in Heaven with God. I would talk to him, tell him things about me, but obviously didn't get any response..you know typical little girl stuff that I didn't know any better. Lately I've found myself talking to my Grandpa. People always say, "Oh so and so is looking down on us from Heaven." Which got me thinking... Can people who are in Heaven hear our prayers? Or hear when we talk to/about them?
My second God question that has been on my mind this past week is this...how can we seek God when there is an earthly time sensitivity? For instance, this week I have been actively seeking a new car. Not because it's flashy, but because the wheels on my explorer have been grinding so hard when I break that I fear they will fall off. (Especially the front left.) So in searching for an economically friendly (I mostly mean gas), safe car that I can invest in I have found a Mazda3. Figuring it out, it won't cost too much more than my explorer but on the other hand I will save so much on gas. I want to do this in a way that glorifies God. But if I hold off much longer I won't have a vehicle to trade in if you catch my drift. I have been seeking counsel, and working through all the questions they have and I really don't feel like I shouldn't buy this car. I have spent many mind hours and lots of time in prayer and I don't have a bad feeling. Fasting to get answers is another way. Is that all I can do to 'seek God'? How do I know if this is okay with God. He hasn't given me a clear YeS, but he hasn't given me any NO....
Those are my God thoughts this week.
My second God question that has been on my mind this past week is this...how can we seek God when there is an earthly time sensitivity? For instance, this week I have been actively seeking a new car. Not because it's flashy, but because the wheels on my explorer have been grinding so hard when I break that I fear they will fall off. (Especially the front left.) So in searching for an economically friendly (I mostly mean gas), safe car that I can invest in I have found a Mazda3. Figuring it out, it won't cost too much more than my explorer but on the other hand I will save so much on gas. I want to do this in a way that glorifies God. But if I hold off much longer I won't have a vehicle to trade in if you catch my drift. I have been seeking counsel, and working through all the questions they have and I really don't feel like I shouldn't buy this car. I have spent many mind hours and lots of time in prayer and I don't have a bad feeling. Fasting to get answers is another way. Is that all I can do to 'seek God'? How do I know if this is okay with God. He hasn't given me a clear YeS, but he hasn't given me any NO....
Those are my God thoughts this week.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Praise God.
Life has been so busy for me! Typically that would be more of a stress than a praise, but I can't help it, God's been opening so many doors for me that the hectic schedule does nothing to me but wear me out.
First is first. I got offered a Director of Recruitment position at Northwestern Mutual on Monday afternoon. This would be a great opportunity for me to use my skills in networking and the money isn't bad either. I have great feelings about the people I will be working for, my interviews are a minimum of 1 1/2 hours simply because we get sidetracked talking about church and our faith. :) I feel a peace about this position, so today I will be calling and accepting the offer. God hasn't shown me a reason not to. So Friday will be the two week notice to Poopy Friends (Little Friends for those of you who don't know my humor)
Last night was the first night I went to an all women's small group that a few of us are starting. It will be small and simple, we are going to be reading a devotional and I can't tell you how exicited I am. I've been praying about an opportunity like this to come along for a while (seeing as I'm not married or seeing anyone seriously I knew the only small group I was interested in wouldn't work out.)
I've been delivered from so many things in my life but mainly old feelings and old temptations. God has opened my eyes to let me see the truth in situations and I feel very blessed. It's interesting I read that Satan not only produces thoughts, but he can produce feelings as well. Another deliverance would be from the 'party scene'. I had no desire to be there. It was fun being with the people I love this weekend, but as the night grew later I grew more disgusted. Guys coming to hit on me when I was clearly sober...it was just gross. For those of you who ask, I did have one glass of wine this weekend. I prayed about it and justified it and through it all have no conviction. I don't feel the need to explain it through blogging, but if you wonder how, you can ask in person. :)
My car is still working (keeping it always in my prayers to continue), as of February 22 my second credit card will be paid off. That leaves one left! The list goes on and on about how God has been working in my life. I hope this is the uphill climb that never faces down.
PS: This is my 200'th blogpost. Happy 200 to me.
First is first. I got offered a Director of Recruitment position at Northwestern Mutual on Monday afternoon. This would be a great opportunity for me to use my skills in networking and the money isn't bad either. I have great feelings about the people I will be working for, my interviews are a minimum of 1 1/2 hours simply because we get sidetracked talking about church and our faith. :) I feel a peace about this position, so today I will be calling and accepting the offer. God hasn't shown me a reason not to. So Friday will be the two week notice to Poopy Friends (Little Friends for those of you who don't know my humor)
Last night was the first night I went to an all women's small group that a few of us are starting. It will be small and simple, we are going to be reading a devotional and I can't tell you how exicited I am. I've been praying about an opportunity like this to come along for a while (seeing as I'm not married or seeing anyone seriously I knew the only small group I was interested in wouldn't work out.)
I've been delivered from so many things in my life but mainly old feelings and old temptations. God has opened my eyes to let me see the truth in situations and I feel very blessed. It's interesting I read that Satan not only produces thoughts, but he can produce feelings as well. Another deliverance would be from the 'party scene'. I had no desire to be there. It was fun being with the people I love this weekend, but as the night grew later I grew more disgusted. Guys coming to hit on me when I was clearly sober...it was just gross. For those of you who ask, I did have one glass of wine this weekend. I prayed about it and justified it and through it all have no conviction. I don't feel the need to explain it through blogging, but if you wonder how, you can ask in person. :)
My car is still working (keeping it always in my prayers to continue), as of February 22 my second credit card will be paid off. That leaves one left! The list goes on and on about how God has been working in my life. I hope this is the uphill climb that never faces down.
PS: This is my 200'th blogpost. Happy 200 to me.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
A Booze-free Me
This year I'm participating in Lent. I've never done it before, and for some reason it was easy for me to decide what to sacrifice. Not that drinking is a problem for me, because it's not. I felt that in any social situation there is always the temptation to have a beer, or glass of wine if it's with my lady friends. As of tomorrow I will have the strength to turn down that drink, because I'm giving up alcohol for Lent.
Yes, I was disappointed when I found out Lent starts tomorrow. Simply because my sorority sisters are coming into down for a reunion, and I know there would have been social drinking. I originally thought it was the second week of February. I could skip a drink on Valentine's Day (contrary to how depressed you probably think I would be) :) Just kidding side note: I'm actually extremely happy.
The thought to change my sacrifice quickly ran through my mind only because I know how hard this weekend will be for me. But then I thought about all the temptations Jesus experienced and He could do it. So, starting tomorrow there will be a booze-free Leslie.
Life is good.
Yes, I was disappointed when I found out Lent starts tomorrow. Simply because my sorority sisters are coming into down for a reunion, and I know there would have been social drinking. I originally thought it was the second week of February. I could skip a drink on Valentine's Day (contrary to how depressed you probably think I would be) :) Just kidding side note: I'm actually extremely happy.
The thought to change my sacrifice quickly ran through my mind only because I know how hard this weekend will be for me. But then I thought about all the temptations Jesus experienced and He could do it. So, starting tomorrow there will be a booze-free Leslie.
Life is good.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
One year...bittersweet
I sat here tonight with a good friend talking about the strength God is giving me in my heart. I'm facing challenges with confidence and really feel the need to be alone. I really feel I am in a place that I shouldn't be dating, no matter what my heart desires. God is blessing me with a lot of 'new' opportunities.
It was then I was going through my Bible and I found a list of things I was praying for a year ago. It's bittersweet.
2/19/07
-my bills paid
-my car fixed (don't remember what was wrong then)
-a new computer/computer fixed
-I want to love & be needed as well as to love and need in return
-to be comfortable with giving all control to God
-financial peace/security
-to love people unconditionally
-patience for my future
For those of you who have been keeping up with my blogs or my life in general, almost a year later I'm still praying for every single one of those things. I remember exactly where I was when I laid all of that in front of God, and it hits home today. I'm not sure what to think. God has blessed me in different ways and this past year a lot of these prayers have been answered. But how strange that they ALL fall true again.
It was then I was going through my Bible and I found a list of things I was praying for a year ago. It's bittersweet.
2/19/07
-my bills paid
-my car fixed (don't remember what was wrong then)
-a new computer/computer fixed
-I want to love & be needed as well as to love and need in return
-to be comfortable with giving all control to God
-financial peace/security
-to love people unconditionally
-patience for my future
For those of you who have been keeping up with my blogs or my life in general, almost a year later I'm still praying for every single one of those things. I remember exactly where I was when I laid all of that in front of God, and it hits home today. I'm not sure what to think. God has blessed me in different ways and this past year a lot of these prayers have been answered. But how strange that they ALL fall true again.
Too tired for God.
The Holy Spirit has been present in my heart these past few weeks. I've had a desire to worship at various times throughout the day but I find my heart mostly prepared for learning at night. I read a chapter in a book, or the Bible, and I go to bed.
Now, I've gotten back into my 'grandma' routine of going to bed at 9:30ish. I can't seem to wake up in the morning. I've skipped the gym all last week and I have yet to go this week. I can't seem to find the energy. My workout plan had a solid focus of taking care of the body God gave me. Yet I can't drag myself out of bed in the mornings to do so?
Besides my personal growth with God at night, during the day I seem bogged down. My energy level is shot and I find this prevents me from genuinely caring for others. I think about being quite and reserved instead of starting conversations that could lead to an explanation of my faith or a deep conversation with my co-workers. I drink coffee in the morning and some sort of caffeine in the afternoon but nothing seems to help. I'm exhausted.
Any advice on what could perk me up? I don't want to be too tired for God's work.
Now, I've gotten back into my 'grandma' routine of going to bed at 9:30ish. I can't seem to wake up in the morning. I've skipped the gym all last week and I have yet to go this week. I can't seem to find the energy. My workout plan had a solid focus of taking care of the body God gave me. Yet I can't drag myself out of bed in the mornings to do so?
Besides my personal growth with God at night, during the day I seem bogged down. My energy level is shot and I find this prevents me from genuinely caring for others. I think about being quite and reserved instead of starting conversations that could lead to an explanation of my faith or a deep conversation with my co-workers. I drink coffee in the morning and some sort of caffeine in the afternoon but nothing seems to help. I'm exhausted.
Any advice on what could perk me up? I don't want to be too tired for God's work.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Duh.
It's been a long time coming. I've earnestly prayed on my face before God for peace, and only temporarily received it. Trust me, I don't have it yet. But God has pointed me in the direction I'm supposed to take to gain it. Regardless of what my friends have suggested, I'm taking direction into my own hands.
With humility comes obedience.
PS: I needed to blog, sorry so vague.
With humility comes obedience.
PS: I needed to blog, sorry so vague.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
The Moment of Truth
Last night I decided to keep FOX tuned in after American Idol to catch a bit of the premier of "The Moment of Truth". Talk about a horrible show.
The theme of this show is the more questions you answer truthfully, the more money you get. A lie-detector test proves a truth or a lie. The clincher about this show is that your family and friends are sitting in the front row. The questions get more personal, and more detrimental to your relationships. Last night a former pro-football player got asked the following questions, "If your wife started to get a flabby stomach would you recommend liposuction?" and "Are you waiting to having children with your wife because you doubt she's your life partner?" He answered yes to both questions. Can you imagine being his wife?
There have been many times where I have faced that moment of truth in my life. Luckily I have the opportunity to explain myself. I have a feeling that this TV show will be the death of a lot of relationships.
The theme of this show is the more questions you answer truthfully, the more money you get. A lie-detector test proves a truth or a lie. The clincher about this show is that your family and friends are sitting in the front row. The questions get more personal, and more detrimental to your relationships. Last night a former pro-football player got asked the following questions, "If your wife started to get a flabby stomach would you recommend liposuction?" and "Are you waiting to having children with your wife because you doubt she's your life partner?" He answered yes to both questions. Can you imagine being his wife?
There have been many times where I have faced that moment of truth in my life. Luckily I have the opportunity to explain myself. I have a feeling that this TV show will be the death of a lot of relationships.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Steamboat Springs, Colorado.
My legs are bruised, my rear end hurts to sit, and my neck strains to keep upright. All in all, I think my trip to Colorado was a success.
Most of you may know me, and may wonder to yourself, "Does Leslie even ski?" Well folks, I'd like to say that I've spent the last few days snowboarding, or pretending to. I had to admit the sad reality to my friends last night though, I doubt I will be able to be the hot snowboarding wife anytime soon. :(
I love taking trips with Young Life because not only do I get to spend time with my highschool friends, but it's also time for me to get away from my life and for God to speak to me. I needed Him. Oh, did I need Him. The wipeouts, the muscle exhaustion, the frustration, and just the plain confusion of life, I called on God alot. My rough language was only used on the first day. And, no there were no YL kids around-I asked him to leave. :) I decided to go off on my own the second and third day. That way I was able to enjoy God's creation instead of pushing myself down the hill. How beautiful.
I've realized some things on this trip, which I'm sure I'll post about later. Thankfully, after a 42 hour combined bus ride, a trip to the hospital, 3 days of full snow exposure, fast food for 4 days straight, and a relaxing hot springs excursion, I'm glad to be back.
PS: I had my initial interview with Northwestern Mutual today. Yes, an hour after I got home. I'm on to phase 2.
Most of you may know me, and may wonder to yourself, "Does Leslie even ski?" Well folks, I'd like to say that I've spent the last few days snowboarding, or pretending to. I had to admit the sad reality to my friends last night though, I doubt I will be able to be the hot snowboarding wife anytime soon. :(
I love taking trips with Young Life because not only do I get to spend time with my highschool friends, but it's also time for me to get away from my life and for God to speak to me. I needed Him. Oh, did I need Him. The wipeouts, the muscle exhaustion, the frustration, and just the plain confusion of life, I called on God alot. My rough language was only used on the first day. And, no there were no YL kids around-I asked him to leave. :) I decided to go off on my own the second and third day. That way I was able to enjoy God's creation instead of pushing myself down the hill. How beautiful.
I've realized some things on this trip, which I'm sure I'll post about later. Thankfully, after a 42 hour combined bus ride, a trip to the hospital, 3 days of full snow exposure, fast food for 4 days straight, and a relaxing hot springs excursion, I'm glad to be back.
PS: I had my initial interview with Northwestern Mutual today. Yes, an hour after I got home. I'm on to phase 2.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Hi God.
So I've been absolutely exhausted the past two weeks. It's different starting a job that my every minute is consumed with work. Chasing after little kids, straining to keep them happy, and then when things calm down getting thrown into pre-school to keep me on my toes. This weekend I got to watch Lyza, which I always love, but kept me in the 'work mode'.
Monday I had a melt down. I am okay with saying that, because I look at it as a growing experience. My faith was strong, but I was so exhausted. I was looking at my finances to fix my car, I literally did NOT know where it would come from. I would have to use a credit card, and it's taken me SO long to get where I am (On my way out of debt that is.) I am mentally preparing myself for the Young Life ski-trip this weekend. I have been fighting a sickness since before Christmas. I was just not okay.
Then God stepped in. I was on my way to the Brown's to borrow their car that night, which they have so graciously let me have a majority of this past month. Something happened. Typically, with my car stuck in 4x4 low, I had to drive under 15mph (even on the highway-with hazards on) to prevent shaking and loud noises. I looked down and I was going 45mph. My car is out of 4-wheel drive! For the first time since December 23rd! I didn't fix it, and it's not like a body that can fix itself, it was God. I decided to forge the river and drive to Morton! It was the smoothest ride I've had.
I am so thankful for my working car and I am also thankful for a 16-hour bus ride to CO this weekend to catch up on my sleep!
Monday I had a melt down. I am okay with saying that, because I look at it as a growing experience. My faith was strong, but I was so exhausted. I was looking at my finances to fix my car, I literally did NOT know where it would come from. I would have to use a credit card, and it's taken me SO long to get where I am (On my way out of debt that is.) I am mentally preparing myself for the Young Life ski-trip this weekend. I have been fighting a sickness since before Christmas. I was just not okay.
Then God stepped in. I was on my way to the Brown's to borrow their car that night, which they have so graciously let me have a majority of this past month. Something happened. Typically, with my car stuck in 4x4 low, I had to drive under 15mph (even on the highway-with hazards on) to prevent shaking and loud noises. I looked down and I was going 45mph. My car is out of 4-wheel drive! For the first time since December 23rd! I didn't fix it, and it's not like a body that can fix itself, it was God. I decided to forge the river and drive to Morton! It was the smoothest ride I've had.
I am so thankful for my working car and I am also thankful for a 16-hour bus ride to CO this weekend to catch up on my sleep!
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Old Balls.
Whenever you have a birthday, there is ALWAYS that person who asks the cliche question, "Do you feel any older?" I have yet to feel older, until today. (Sorry if the title of this post offends anyone)
There was a group of girls that I got really close with the 4 years of college. We are all doing our own thing now, and it's actually an effort to get together. Whether its teaching, working, studying, our lives are on different schedules. I was talking with my friend Emily (who recently got engaged and is building a house with her fiance in Florida which will be done in September) and I got excited. Her life seems to be moving into the 'next stage'. She's a teacher with a fabulous ring (trust me, I'm saving the picture on my phone for my future hubby) and she's in the process of building her home. It was then through saying the typical "We really need to get together sometime soon, all of us" that great news was broken to me. One of our other college friends MOVED TO PEORIA yesterday.
Katie McGurn was the girl freshman year that didn't waste anytime getting to know anyone. She's the country club girl from the suburbs that liked to have fun. She was actually the one who taught me to walk correctly in stiletto heels. It's funny because Katie was the girl who thought Peoria smelled and thought townies were trashy. Throughout the years my appreciation for Katie has grown immensely and our relationship has blossomed. She attended my baptism and I took a pit-stop over Christmas to the McGurn household. Our conversations make it seem like no time was spent apart. And come to find out she took a job with CAT and lives 2 minutes away from me! My heart was racing and words can't describe how excited I am. She told me tonight, "I've been crying for days, I mean who knew I'd actually come back to Peoria"
Our lives are all changing, but regardless of where we are, these 6 girls always have my heart. Time will only tell where God will have each of us, but I am so excited to start "girls retreat weekends", bridal showers, baby showers, and just continue to grow with one another.
God-thank you for amazing friends.
There was a group of girls that I got really close with the 4 years of college. We are all doing our own thing now, and it's actually an effort to get together. Whether its teaching, working, studying, our lives are on different schedules. I was talking with my friend Emily (who recently got engaged and is building a house with her fiance in Florida which will be done in September) and I got excited. Her life seems to be moving into the 'next stage'. She's a teacher with a fabulous ring (trust me, I'm saving the picture on my phone for my future hubby) and she's in the process of building her home. It was then through saying the typical "We really need to get together sometime soon, all of us" that great news was broken to me. One of our other college friends MOVED TO PEORIA yesterday.
Katie McGurn was the girl freshman year that didn't waste anytime getting to know anyone. She's the country club girl from the suburbs that liked to have fun. She was actually the one who taught me to walk correctly in stiletto heels. It's funny because Katie was the girl who thought Peoria smelled and thought townies were trashy. Throughout the years my appreciation for Katie has grown immensely and our relationship has blossomed. She attended my baptism and I took a pit-stop over Christmas to the McGurn household. Our conversations make it seem like no time was spent apart. And come to find out she took a job with CAT and lives 2 minutes away from me! My heart was racing and words can't describe how excited I am. She told me tonight, "I've been crying for days, I mean who knew I'd actually come back to Peoria"
Our lives are all changing, but regardless of where we are, these 6 girls always have my heart. Time will only tell where God will have each of us, but I am so excited to start "girls retreat weekends", bridal showers, baby showers, and just continue to grow with one another.
God-thank you for amazing friends.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Ethan Michael
My heart is heavy. My poor little nephew was admitted to the hospital yesterday.If you can remember about a year ago in October my sister had to deliver Ethan 2 months early due to complications. Ethan has been a fighter his whole life. Overcoming the premature lungs he was born with, the various colds, tests, allergies, bronchitis, pneumonia, and also tubes in his ears. Although still skinny as a twig, he is growing and developing like he should with a personality just like his aunt!
Ethan has had a fever the past few days and regardless of anything they give him, it won't break. Turns out he has pneumonia again and is short of breath.
As I was driving home last night I broke into tears. I know God is in control, but for some reason it doesn't give me peace. Ethan is a strong little baby, he's made it this far. He is an answer to much prayer and a crucial turning point in my life. Ethan's saved life is a huge impact on my strong faith. It worries me because if he were to stop fighting through all this sickness, my life would be forever changed.
I just ask that all of you please pray for strength for Ethan and my sister's family. He could be just fine in a few days, I just feel extremely heavy-hearted right now. Nothing matters more to me then my little baby (ies).
CLARIFICATION-I just wanted to clear up something from my previous post. When I said I expect money in cards, I didn't mean ALL cards, just from family. :) And only because it seemed like growing up whenever I got a card, it had something in it.
Ethan has had a fever the past few days and regardless of anything they give him, it won't break. Turns out he has pneumonia again and is short of breath.
As I was driving home last night I broke into tears. I know God is in control, but for some reason it doesn't give me peace. Ethan is a strong little baby, he's made it this far. He is an answer to much prayer and a crucial turning point in my life. Ethan's saved life is a huge impact on my strong faith. It worries me because if he were to stop fighting through all this sickness, my life would be forever changed.
I just ask that all of you please pray for strength for Ethan and my sister's family. He could be just fine in a few days, I just feel extremely heavy-hearted right now. Nothing matters more to me then my little baby (ies).
CLARIFICATION-I just wanted to clear up something from my previous post. When I said I expect money in cards, I didn't mean ALL cards, just from family. :) And only because it seemed like growing up whenever I got a card, it had something in it.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Who I am..
God's been showing me who I should be. Today I've really evaluated who I am and it saddens me.
I'm the person who is trained to expect money in birthday cards.
I am ungrateful for gifts, although lame at times, still not ok.
I cry when my plans get changed all because a restaurant is closed on Tuesdays.
I act like I'm better than others.
I don't show appreciation very well to others.
I'm selfish.
I've learned tonight that although I like the image of the person I want to become, I don't like who I am. I'm 23 years old, it's time to start thinking of people BESIDES myself.
I want to thank my friends from the bottom of my heart for coming out to celebrate my birthday tonight. I promise, at 24 I'll be less bitter, I hope.
Lots of love.
I'm the person who is trained to expect money in birthday cards.
I am ungrateful for gifts, although lame at times, still not ok.
I cry when my plans get changed all because a restaurant is closed on Tuesdays.
I act like I'm better than others.
I don't show appreciation very well to others.
I'm selfish.
I've learned tonight that although I like the image of the person I want to become, I don't like who I am. I'm 23 years old, it's time to start thinking of people BESIDES myself.
I want to thank my friends from the bottom of my heart for coming out to celebrate my birthday tonight. I promise, at 24 I'll be less bitter, I hope.
Lots of love.
Monday, January 07, 2008
New Start
Today is the day where my life gets back on track. I have had a wonderful month of nothing but being on my face in front of God. Completely humbled. I strive daily to shape my heart to reflect God. A verse I have been reflecting on is Phil 4:2 "Be humble and gentle. Be patient. Bear onto others the gift of love."
I was able to begin my routine back again. Life was interrupted the second half of 2007, but it is now back on schedule and it feels great! I went to the gym at 6am, came home made coffee and breakfast and was able to sit and watch the news before going to work at 8am. My day went by so quickly because I did not have to find things to do to bide my time. Hours of training and playing with little babies took over my first day. Plus, I got to go home early! It was so nice to come home, cook dinner and just relax. My social life will be changing and I will yet again be the grandma, but I'm okay with that. I don't need to be a social butterfly, thats what college was for. Time to grow up.
God is going to do great things in 2008. I have a peace about my life and am so excited for what is in store. I am continually being faithful and daily working on being selfless.
Amen!
I was able to begin my routine back again. Life was interrupted the second half of 2007, but it is now back on schedule and it feels great! I went to the gym at 6am, came home made coffee and breakfast and was able to sit and watch the news before going to work at 8am. My day went by so quickly because I did not have to find things to do to bide my time. Hours of training and playing with little babies took over my first day. Plus, I got to go home early! It was so nice to come home, cook dinner and just relax. My social life will be changing and I will yet again be the grandma, but I'm okay with that. I don't need to be a social butterfly, thats what college was for. Time to grow up.
God is going to do great things in 2008. I have a peace about my life and am so excited for what is in store. I am continually being faithful and daily working on being selfless.
Amen!
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
A year in review...
Tears of gratitude and amazement fill my eyes when I think of my walk this past year. Justin I'm copying your 'strategy' of reflection...
January-
I was in a relationship that was not God centering, this was the month where conviction sank in. I started following God and took a leap of faith to quit my job to start Independence Media.
February-
The relationship ended and I got into my first car accident. As I emptied out my heart to make a new home for God depression sank in.
March-
The old had gone and I started whole-heartily towards God. I started working out and released the depression I had held onto. Life was beginning.
April-
Just busy with finishing up my senior service project for PARC. What an amazing experience of service.
May-
GRADUATION! It was something I'd be waiting for 4 long years. What a great transition to close a destructive chapter and begin a fruitful journey.
June-
Young Life camp. Wonderful yet again.
July-
California. The trip that changed my life. I found God's true beauty not only in California, but in my heart.
August-
I started my full-time job and took a wonderful trip to Florida with Gina, Summer and Molly.
September-
I had a great baptism ceremony. Work began to get rocky.
October-
Pretty lame month. Same struggles just more self development.
November-
I was in my first Christian relationship. God used this for my heart and I'm so grateful. Work sucked so I quit my job. I took a huge leap of faith in pretty much every area of my life. I found a church that speaks to me and I have a desire to be apart of more.
December-
I have had the opportunity in unemployment to grow new and old friendships. Search myself and grow in ways that I never knew.
The major theme I have found over the past year is that regardless of what goes on in my life God uses each situation to create me into the woman of God I need to be. I've been so blessed beyond belief! I'm excited to what God has in store for 2008. New year = New beginnings. The change I've seen in just a year causes much anticipation for 2008.
January-
I was in a relationship that was not God centering, this was the month where conviction sank in. I started following God and took a leap of faith to quit my job to start Independence Media.
February-
The relationship ended and I got into my first car accident. As I emptied out my heart to make a new home for God depression sank in.
March-
The old had gone and I started whole-heartily towards God. I started working out and released the depression I had held onto. Life was beginning.
April-
Just busy with finishing up my senior service project for PARC. What an amazing experience of service.
May-
GRADUATION! It was something I'd be waiting for 4 long years. What a great transition to close a destructive chapter and begin a fruitful journey.
June-
Young Life camp. Wonderful yet again.
July-
California. The trip that changed my life. I found God's true beauty not only in California, but in my heart.
August-
I started my full-time job and took a wonderful trip to Florida with Gina, Summer and Molly.
September-
I had a great baptism ceremony. Work began to get rocky.
October-
Pretty lame month. Same struggles just more self development.
November-
I was in my first Christian relationship. God used this for my heart and I'm so grateful. Work sucked so I quit my job. I took a huge leap of faith in pretty much every area of my life. I found a church that speaks to me and I have a desire to be apart of more.
December-
I have had the opportunity in unemployment to grow new and old friendships. Search myself and grow in ways that I never knew.
The major theme I have found over the past year is that regardless of what goes on in my life God uses each situation to create me into the woman of God I need to be. I've been so blessed beyond belief! I'm excited to what God has in store for 2008. New year = New beginnings. The change I've seen in just a year causes much anticipation for 2008.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
