Those of you who know me, know I have such a passion for music. I love closing my eyes and hearing the pieces of music come together. Growing up my sisters and I had the ability to sound out music and teach ourselves the piano. I took violin lessons and played the clarinet for 4 years. But there's something missing.
Just as much as I love listening to music, I love singing it. Unfortunately for those sitting by me when I get in the music....my voice may not help make it more enjoyable. I was talking with a friend of mine that has a beautiful voice and I admitted I don't know if I can sing. I once had someone at church come up to me and tell me I had a beautiful voice, but the millions of times my family has told me I sound like a dying cat outweigh that one compliment.
So, he suggested I record my voice and listen back. OH MY GOSH. How embarrassing! I was awful! Pitchy, my voice fluctuated and I never would have gotten a Golden Ticket to Hollywood on American Idol. How can I have gone through so much of my life singing as loud as I can, and no one ask me to stop?
So I'd like to make this my official apology to those who sit by me as I sing my guts out. I am sorry for your eardrums.
I'd be up for taking voice lessons....if anyone knows anyone offering :)
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Our Giants
This past week I had the opportunity to hear 3 amazing speakers at a conference who had three very different yet similar. The first was a man who has suffered with MS since he was 12. He discussed David and Goliath and how facing our giants with faith is what is most important in life. The second speaker was a Navy Seal named Marcus Luttrell who was the lone survivor of a mission in Afghanistan. His story of perseverance and strength blow my mind. If I were to go through less then half of what he did I would have probably given up on life. The 3rd speaker was a paraplegic 4 time Olympian medalist who was tragically shot as a boy which caused him to lose all use of his legs. I don't know about you, but even with the small amount of detail I just gave I still feel like my life is a cakewalk. On the train home I got to thinking...
The speaker that had MS said, "We all have our giants, the only difference between mine and yours is that you can see mine." How totally true. That message resinated with me and I had the blessing to share the message at the homeless breakfast this Sunday. It's total true. We are all brothers and sisters in Christ. One of their giants is the fact they do not have warm shelter. But one of my giants is the fact that I'm selfish and could barely roll out of bed to be there that morning.
If we all take a minute to think about the various things that we struggle with, our imperfections if you will, our eyes would be open to our ugliness. It's easy to point out everyone else's faults, but when it comes to our own they aren't half as bad as other's.
I pray that my giants are revealed and that people may see my imperfections because only when they are exposed can they ever be healed.
The speaker that had MS said, "We all have our giants, the only difference between mine and yours is that you can see mine." How totally true. That message resinated with me and I had the blessing to share the message at the homeless breakfast this Sunday. It's total true. We are all brothers and sisters in Christ. One of their giants is the fact they do not have warm shelter. But one of my giants is the fact that I'm selfish and could barely roll out of bed to be there that morning.
If we all take a minute to think about the various things that we struggle with, our imperfections if you will, our eyes would be open to our ugliness. It's easy to point out everyone else's faults, but when it comes to our own they aren't half as bad as other's.
I pray that my giants are revealed and that people may see my imperfections because only when they are exposed can they ever be healed.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Worthy
It's ironic how messages seem so relevant to your life. Going into Sunday I was feeling as if God had really been blessing my life through my disciplines, my studies, and the peace I felt ending my week. The message at church on Sunday was about revealing to ourselves and others where we are really at. Finding that truth to determine if we would be able to praise God no matter what storms were brought our way.
That got me thinking as I drove to Bloomington after church. As clear as I felt my vision and direction were this past week, it was muddied as soon as I started thinking about where I really was. The vulnerability I was allowing was an opportunity for an attack to knock down everything that was built inside my heart the past week and to question almost everything. I doubted friendships that have always been true, I looked into innocent actions that were meant to be nothing more, and what I was about to walk into would rock my world for the rest of my life.
It was no where near the same devastation that others have experienced this past week in Haiti, but to me I felt my own personal earthquake. My foundations of family and friends were shaken and some knocked down. To make matters worse, my paranoid thoughts turned into actions and may have sacrificed the strength of those shaken friendship foundations.
Through the pain, through the confusion, and through the brokenness, I kept telling God that He was worthy. I didn't have much feeling behind it, but through the emotional exhaustion I KNEW those words were true. Somehow I know when the aide comes and the houses of friendship and family are rebuilt, He will give me the feeling of peace to go along with my words of believing He is worthy of it all.
That got me thinking as I drove to Bloomington after church. As clear as I felt my vision and direction were this past week, it was muddied as soon as I started thinking about where I really was. The vulnerability I was allowing was an opportunity for an attack to knock down everything that was built inside my heart the past week and to question almost everything. I doubted friendships that have always been true, I looked into innocent actions that were meant to be nothing more, and what I was about to walk into would rock my world for the rest of my life.
It was no where near the same devastation that others have experienced this past week in Haiti, but to me I felt my own personal earthquake. My foundations of family and friends were shaken and some knocked down. To make matters worse, my paranoid thoughts turned into actions and may have sacrificed the strength of those shaken friendship foundations.
Through the pain, through the confusion, and through the brokenness, I kept telling God that He was worthy. I didn't have much feeling behind it, but through the emotional exhaustion I KNEW those words were true. Somehow I know when the aide comes and the houses of friendship and family are rebuilt, He will give me the feeling of peace to go along with my words of believing He is worthy of it all.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Rain
For Christmas I decided to give relational gifts to my family members. To my mom, whose love language is quality time, I gave her a calendar to have her pick a date night each month. Our first date night was last night and we went to Kellehers and to see the show "Rain" at the Civic Center. Rain is a tribute band to The Beetles. Each album was represented with the top songs as well as the styles each member had at the time. My observations of the night:
1. The Beetles are probably the best musical group that I have observed. I know RAIN did not include the original members, but according to my mother and the music I've heard, it was very comparable. From their first album to the last ,their musical talent progressed immensely and their sound was true rock and roll.
2. The music that the Beetles produced was very relevant to the times their albums were released. The messages were of peace and love.
3. The audience was older and let me tell you old people dancing compared to what I'm used to is hilarious. Let me stick my thumbs out and shake side to side. Hilarious.
4. Out of all the videos I did not see one big-chested or big-boned woman. My mom tells me they existed and they just weren't portrayed because thats not the image people wanted to describe that era.
All in all it was a great show and it really made me want to listen to the old hits.
1. The Beetles are probably the best musical group that I have observed. I know RAIN did not include the original members, but according to my mother and the music I've heard, it was very comparable. From their first album to the last ,their musical talent progressed immensely and their sound was true rock and roll.
2. The music that the Beetles produced was very relevant to the times their albums were released. The messages were of peace and love.
3. The audience was older and let me tell you old people dancing compared to what I'm used to is hilarious. Let me stick my thumbs out and shake side to side. Hilarious.
4. Out of all the videos I did not see one big-chested or big-boned woman. My mom tells me they existed and they just weren't portrayed because thats not the image people wanted to describe that era.
All in all it was a great show and it really made me want to listen to the old hits.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Repentance
I was 15 when my sister got married. It was a beautiful October ceremony at First Federated Church (they have a gorgeous sanctuary). As I was standing beside the altar I caught notice of a group of Asian beetles crawling up the back of my sisters wedding dress. I tried as hard as I could to hold back the laughs, but quickly everyone in the sanctuary noticed my failed attempt. The giggles caught on from the bridal party, to the guests, to the bride and groom and finally the pastor. Unfortunately when my sister's wedding is brought up that is not the memory that everyone likes to talk about. See, after the wedding we rode around on the trolly until the reception. I was clearly underage but was allowed to drink with the rest of the bridal party. I was keeping up with the more experienced and was chugging down Jack Daniel's coolers like they were kool-aid. Before I knew it I was drunk. As we made our grand entrance down the Packard Plaza stairs it was clear to all of the guests that I had been over-served. My embarrassment only started at that moment but continued when I woke up after passing out for 3 hours during the reception to my divorced parents both staring over me.
As my family reminisces about this occasion it NEVER fails that my mistake is exposed time after time. I apologized to all parties involved but old mistakes seem to rear their ugly head.
Since thats the way I've been conditioned as a kid, I find myself having difficulty when repenting my sin. Although it's undeserved God forgives us for our sins and then forgets them. I on the other hand have difficulty with the forgetting part. Any time something slightly resembles anything I have repented for, all of those sins come back and I feel even more undeserving. My mind starts to fill with thoughts breaking down all of the progress that I've made and that I deserve anything bad that happens. I know that's not healthy, but I also know they are not thoughts I am intended to have. That if I persevere through the attack, God will protect me. Even though I will always be unworthy, God's grace allows me to put those transgressions back where they belong.
I haven't quite figured out just how to forget but I know the closer I get to Him, the less I will think of exactly who I used to be.
And in case you are wondering, I haven't had a Jack Daniel's cooler since. :)
As my family reminisces about this occasion it NEVER fails that my mistake is exposed time after time. I apologized to all parties involved but old mistakes seem to rear their ugly head.
Since thats the way I've been conditioned as a kid, I find myself having difficulty when repenting my sin. Although it's undeserved God forgives us for our sins and then forgets them. I on the other hand have difficulty with the forgetting part. Any time something slightly resembles anything I have repented for, all of those sins come back and I feel even more undeserving. My mind starts to fill with thoughts breaking down all of the progress that I've made and that I deserve anything bad that happens. I know that's not healthy, but I also know they are not thoughts I am intended to have. That if I persevere through the attack, God will protect me. Even though I will always be unworthy, God's grace allows me to put those transgressions back where they belong.
I haven't quite figured out just how to forget but I know the closer I get to Him, the less I will think of exactly who I used to be.
And in case you are wondering, I haven't had a Jack Daniel's cooler since. :)
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
Simplicity
Contrary to popular belief, I would classify myself as a hopeless romantic. I enjoy movies that have great endings and I enjoy situations that have a great ending to the story. There are even a few situations in which I have chosen to do something that I know may not be the best for me but I did it anyway for the story.
One of my favorite things to do is to spend time getting to know what makes people tick. Lately I've had the opportunity to talk with a new friend and a theme has come up in multiple conversations of ours. This friend tries to live his daily life with simplicity. Living on as little as he can and giving as much as he can. This has caused some deep internal conversations on what that would look like in my life, but as I have finished the holiday season I am taking a different approach to this simplicity idea. I have made a conscious effort to live on what I have and try to dispel the idea that I need to go out and get something to appease my desires.
Since I enjoy big drastic stories, I also feel encouraged, loved or even more assured when drastic things happen. Maybe its the security that you can get through tough situations and can be rewarded after the storm of life is over. When simple things happen I don't feel the same way I do as when drastic events occur. Here's an example. I got my grandmother a butterfly wall hanging and a picture frame for Christmas. She didn't ask for it, but I know she loves butterflies. As soon as she opened the gift she said, "Oh this is great, very thoughtful." If I were to open something I didn't necessarily need I'd honestly think, "Oh great, something else I have to find a place for in my apartment."
As harsh as that sounds, it felt as harsh actually typing that out. I want to be grateful of the simple things in life. Simple conversations, simple cards, simple expressions of a genuine love. I don't know how to make that paradigm shift or what that means but all I can say is, "Hello simplicity, I'm going to try to be around for a while."
One of my favorite things to do is to spend time getting to know what makes people tick. Lately I've had the opportunity to talk with a new friend and a theme has come up in multiple conversations of ours. This friend tries to live his daily life with simplicity. Living on as little as he can and giving as much as he can. This has caused some deep internal conversations on what that would look like in my life, but as I have finished the holiday season I am taking a different approach to this simplicity idea. I have made a conscious effort to live on what I have and try to dispel the idea that I need to go out and get something to appease my desires.
Since I enjoy big drastic stories, I also feel encouraged, loved or even more assured when drastic things happen. Maybe its the security that you can get through tough situations and can be rewarded after the storm of life is over. When simple things happen I don't feel the same way I do as when drastic events occur. Here's an example. I got my grandmother a butterfly wall hanging and a picture frame for Christmas. She didn't ask for it, but I know she loves butterflies. As soon as she opened the gift she said, "Oh this is great, very thoughtful." If I were to open something I didn't necessarily need I'd honestly think, "Oh great, something else I have to find a place for in my apartment."
As harsh as that sounds, it felt as harsh actually typing that out. I want to be grateful of the simple things in life. Simple conversations, simple cards, simple expressions of a genuine love. I don't know how to make that paradigm shift or what that means but all I can say is, "Hello simplicity, I'm going to try to be around for a while."
Monday, January 04, 2010
Quarter Life Crisis
I have this friend named Katie. Katie and I met on Move-In day at Bradley. Over the past 7 years we have become very close friends. It was our sophomore year of college and Katie, myself, and 4 other girls all lived in one room in the sorority house. That year was a tough year for our friendship because Katie, unlike myself, was very neurotic about everything. Any item had it's place and clothes were NOT to be left on the floor. Well I on the other hand flew by the seat of my pants, working two jobs and going to school so the last thing on my mind was cleaning things up. I will have to say though that I think Katie and I would make great roommates now. Anyways.
Katie turned 25 back in October and about a month prior she started freaking out. Not psycho freaking but more of a panic, anxiety type of freak. I thought it was just spastic Kate but as I approach my 25th birthday I am starting to have those same feelings.
Around the time when Katie and I met I had a plan for my life. I was going to get married at a young age, spend some quality alone time with my love, start a family in my mid-twenties and have a kick-ass job. Well as I begin the final haul to my 25th birthday: I am single as they come, my idea of quality time is a book, a blanket and some hot tea at 8:30pm with a 9:00pm bedtime, no kiddos and my job leaves a lot to be desired. I'm not going to lie, I did have a minor panic attack when I came to this dreadful realization. But as to any situation there is always a flip side.
I do not believe any of the guys I have dated have been marriage worthy- let alone father material. Words can hardly describe the amount of personal and professional growth I have obtained in these 25 years as I have learned about myself and my relationship with God. I know that I would not have been able to experience what I have in the past few years if my plan had worked out as I hoped. After all in Jeremiah 29:11, God says "Therefor I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I am sure His plan is better then mine. And besides, Katie just called to invite me over for dinner tomorrow that she's going to prepare in her new slow-cooker that she got for Christmas. If she can get over the hump, I'm sure I can too. :)
Katie turned 25 back in October and about a month prior she started freaking out. Not psycho freaking but more of a panic, anxiety type of freak. I thought it was just spastic Kate but as I approach my 25th birthday I am starting to have those same feelings.
Around the time when Katie and I met I had a plan for my life. I was going to get married at a young age, spend some quality alone time with my love, start a family in my mid-twenties and have a kick-ass job. Well as I begin the final haul to my 25th birthday: I am single as they come, my idea of quality time is a book, a blanket and some hot tea at 8:30pm with a 9:00pm bedtime, no kiddos and my job leaves a lot to be desired. I'm not going to lie, I did have a minor panic attack when I came to this dreadful realization. But as to any situation there is always a flip side.
I do not believe any of the guys I have dated have been marriage worthy- let alone father material. Words can hardly describe the amount of personal and professional growth I have obtained in these 25 years as I have learned about myself and my relationship with God. I know that I would not have been able to experience what I have in the past few years if my plan had worked out as I hoped. After all in Jeremiah 29:11, God says "Therefor I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I am sure His plan is better then mine. And besides, Katie just called to invite me over for dinner tomorrow that she's going to prepare in her new slow-cooker that she got for Christmas. If she can get over the hump, I'm sure I can too. :)
Sunday, January 03, 2010
Companionship
This past week I've had to sleep with the TV on to help my mind slow down and to be able to fall asleep. The dreaded part was that almost every night I dreamt about someone that used to be in my life. Not every night in a desirable way, more of a losing someone way. There is no doubt in my mind that people come in and out of your life to help you grow as a person and just because you cared for them does not mean they were supposed to stay. Last night I tossed and turned until 3am thinking of this certain someone and it honestly brought me to my knees.
My late night/early morning made me realize that humans are designed to be with someone else. My dreams and thoughts were a reminder of a time when I had it. Companionship carries more of a heavy meaning then I initially imagined. Married folks, imagine when your spouse goes out of town for business or vacation and you don't have that warm body laying next to you at night. Thankfully vacations end and you get your other half back, but if you are single its a desire that will be left unfulfilled for an unknown amount of time.
I still know my contentment with where God has me will weigh more heavily then this unfulfilled desire, but it sparks a question for me. When you are not in a relationship with someone, what are you supposed to do to sustain this longing? Friends don't quite always cut it or fill the void exactly as needed and prayer sometimes seems like a resounding gong. How can you find companionship that is pure and not crossing any boundaries?
My late night/early morning made me realize that humans are designed to be with someone else. My dreams and thoughts were a reminder of a time when I had it. Companionship carries more of a heavy meaning then I initially imagined. Married folks, imagine when your spouse goes out of town for business or vacation and you don't have that warm body laying next to you at night. Thankfully vacations end and you get your other half back, but if you are single its a desire that will be left unfulfilled for an unknown amount of time.
I still know my contentment with where God has me will weigh more heavily then this unfulfilled desire, but it sparks a question for me. When you are not in a relationship with someone, what are you supposed to do to sustain this longing? Friends don't quite always cut it or fill the void exactly as needed and prayer sometimes seems like a resounding gong. How can you find companionship that is pure and not crossing any boundaries?
Saturday, January 02, 2010
Be Better
Every year around the end of December I fall into a reflective state. My desire to be around others is less then usual and I evaluate where the past year has gotten me. In years past I have made declarations of things I will change and not do and typically in more cases then not I fail miserably. As many times as I have said it in the past, I know this year will be different. I'm not aiming to change things, I just want to simply be better.
First and foremost I want to be a better Christian. Relying only on God's provision and having a desire for more. More learning, more worship and more opportunities to serve. This also includes being a better steward of God's provision. Tithing, trying to live in simplicity and the sort. Focusing on growing with God instead of what I don't have.
Secondly, I want to be a better friend and daughter. This Christmas season I have decided to give relationally to my parents and grandparents. I want to continue to grow as a person and humble myself to spend time with family. I want to make an effort to connect with friends and learn more about their story. I want every person who interacts with me to walk away feeling they are important in my life. That will be hard, but baby steps will help.
I will be better at living with discipline. It is somewhat of a New Years resolution to start/continue writing. I have purchased a new computer and I am excited to have a place that I can call my own to write. I will be better at the discipline of prayer and devotion. I will construct a budget. I want to live more of a health conscious life.
All in all I want to say I'm not going to lose 10 pounds, complete a book, or other empty promises. At the end of 2010 I want to say I am better then where I am today. Simply put.
First and foremost I want to be a better Christian. Relying only on God's provision and having a desire for more. More learning, more worship and more opportunities to serve. This also includes being a better steward of God's provision. Tithing, trying to live in simplicity and the sort. Focusing on growing with God instead of what I don't have.
Secondly, I want to be a better friend and daughter. This Christmas season I have decided to give relationally to my parents and grandparents. I want to continue to grow as a person and humble myself to spend time with family. I want to make an effort to connect with friends and learn more about their story. I want every person who interacts with me to walk away feeling they are important in my life. That will be hard, but baby steps will help.
I will be better at living with discipline. It is somewhat of a New Years resolution to start/continue writing. I have purchased a new computer and I am excited to have a place that I can call my own to write. I will be better at the discipline of prayer and devotion. I will construct a budget. I want to live more of a health conscious life.
All in all I want to say I'm not going to lose 10 pounds, complete a book, or other empty promises. At the end of 2010 I want to say I am better then where I am today. Simply put.
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