Holidays = Anxiety

My friends play it off as a joke, but if you know me at all you will understand that I truly get anxiety when it comes to holidays. I never dress up for Halloween, (this year was the 1st time in 6 years) I never have a Valentine, I don't really get into the whole New Years thing, partially because nothing too exciting ever happens and my birthday hasn't really brought much joy either. Thanksgiving and Christmas probably are the two holidays that give me the most anxiety.

Growing up in a split household, holidays were always court-ordered. Thanksgiving at Dads, Christmas with mom, and the next year would be opposite. The anxiety started when I had a choice. The worst part was choosing who to spend each holiday with because no matter if it was equal you always felt as if you were letting someone down. The older I got the issue changed from attendance to buying gifts. It became a huge deal and the conversations usually started mid-June/July.

Last year I made a concerted effort to enjoy the holidays. I bought my first artificial Christmas tree and it was the first tree I've had since 6th grade. I feel very proud of my efforts in 2008.

This year, the anxiety has started already. In the past few months I have been reminded at least twice about the amount of wine I consumed at Christmas- if you knew the situations you wouldn't have blamed me, I swear-. (Nothing like being reminded of your faults by family to put you in the Holiday Spirit.) Since last Christmas there have been two separations in my immediate family, my mother has told me she wants to stay home alone instead of joining the rest of us at my aunt & uncles, and I have no idea where I will be for Christmas, let alone who I am expected to buy gifts for. Gifts are another can of worms, going from not exchanging gifts to then exchanging them because you were feeling guilty, etc. UGH. I will have to say that for the past two years Thanksgiving has gotten progressively better.

I will vow to try and make the best of things, but it's not looking so promising. Summaries of both events will follow. All of this to say I already have Holiday anxiety.