Faith

As I sit here the night before phase 1 of my surgeries, mentally preparing for the start of a long journey, I can't help but just cry. I have always been a very independent person that no matter the situation, good or bad, I took responsibility for myself. I accepted any consequence with my head held high because that's what personal responsibility leads you to do. This is not a situation where I can do that. I didn't do anything to cause all of this, none of this was my fault. Yet Jason and I will continue to suffer through doctors appointments, surgeries, social anxiety, continual discomfort for some unknown reason.

I have tried to keep the question "Why" out of my vocabulary. It has always been a question that will most likely go unanswered during our time on earth and especially with the severity of our accident, even if we get an answer, I don't know if it would make everything okay. But as everyone continues to live their life just like they were, Jason and I face new challenges daily. Something as simple as showering or even going to the bathroom has become a chore. We have only been dating a few months but we can't even act like a newly dating couple. Cuddling only lasts for a short while before one of us gets uncomfortable or my leg gets hit or something that stops our affection. To ask "Why" seems like such a solid question because none of this makes sense. We decided on day 1 after we survived both of our emergency surgeries that we would never be victims. I will admit though that the further along this journey we go, that fight to remain humble and not angry gets harder.

Being independent you get a sense of control of this unpredictable life. My control in predicting recovery, handling work projects, deciding when I leave the house and sometimes even eating has been lost. I truly feel as if my life right now depends on the work of others. Coming from a situation where people have always been a let down that is a bit unnerving. I have surgery tomorrow morning that will hopefully start the recovery process for my leg. My surgeon is very admirable, but he's also human and may not be able to fix me. Reality sinks in and I have to believe in my heart that no matter what the outcome is after tomorrows procedure and ones down the road that this man will do anything in his power.

I don't have answers and I don't have control, but I guess what I can cling to is my faith. Faith that one day Jason and I will get an answer to the question we will hide deep in our hearts for the rest of our lives. Faith that someone might be saved or changed from our story. Faith that the doctor will be able to stop the infection and start reconstructing my leg. Faith that one day Jason and I can date in a normal setting, not one that requires us to get rides to see each other. I hope to always keep that faith.