Selfish Prayer..

Last week I was looking at my dedication to God. Take working out for example. I have been working out a lot lately, and I do it because I love how it feels afterward and I have the drive to fit into that bikini! How selfish! So I've been trying to give my workout to God. Instead of quitting whenever I feel like it. I set a goal and push myself to that goal and give that time to God and look to him for strength.

I've been thinking a lot about prayer ever since Cal spoke last Wednesday at New Community. I had been contending for things to happen through prayer. I was frustrated because I felt worn out, then Cal lite my fire again. A few days after I suddenly felt guilty for my prayers. They were selfish. The prayer was for salvation, but deep down in hopes I would reap benefits of that salvation. That sounds just as bad as I re-read what I typed.

So I stopped praying for that. Is it possible to take the selfish need out of prayer? I fear that if I continue to pray I will hang on to hopes that things will change when really I just need to continue moving on.

Thunderstorms

Typically I LOVE thunderstorms...it's great to just cuddle in bed, in my case..alone. Thats besides the point. I was sleeping and suddenly woke up with a crack of thunder. As I woke up the door to my bedroom was open and the hall light was on. Keep in mind that I always sleep with my door completely closed. Talk about scary waking up to my door being open at 1:00am!!!!! It really was hard to fall back asleep after that.

Needless to say I still was able to lay in bed when it was really time to wake up for the day.

Love.

So I have been taking some time away from blogging just because I've been personally struggling with some things on my heart and I didn't want to always sound negative, or repeat the same ideas I've been recycling. This past week has been really eye opening for me. Maybe it's because the weather is getting nicer, but I have definately heard God.

God spoke to me in a dream the other night. It's probably the first time I woke up and KNEW what I needed to do. I honestly can't remember another time I truely believed God spoke to me like that. After being frustrated with people letting me down, turning their backs on me, and just hurting me...I wanted to write a lot of people off. I am okay with putting people in the "we really don't need to be friends category." My dream told me that I needed to be like Jesus, and love unconditionally regardless of how people love/treat me. The parable running through my head as I was getting ready for the day was the Prodigal Son. And I woke up with the Third Day song "Don't you Know I've Always Loved You" in my head, it's been MONTHS since I've heard it.

The past few days I've been making a conscious effort to love people. We talked about it at campaigners, and it really helps to step out of the box to think about this stuff. Sometimes when we hear our own answers to things, it's really embarrassing that we would think like that. But then it opens our minds and opens are hearts.

God loves us unconditionally and although our backs are turned when we come around He's standing there with open arms. Why can't we be that way for other people?

Sleep Patterns

So my friends make fun of me, but I feel like a grandma with my sleep patterns. Like clockwork, at 9:30 I am ready for bed. There was a time last week that my friends were just meeting to go bowling, and I was crawling into bed. How pathetic.

The past week my sleep has been off. I've been ready for bed, yawning and eyes watering, but I sleep like crap. It takes me a while to fall asleep and when I do I wake up every so often. I don't understand?

Maybe it's my lack of sleep, but today has been a rough day...I hope it gets better.

Me and God.

So I've been trying to open my heart to God's will and live my life accordingly. Moving by the spirit so to speak. But for the life of me I am finding it hard to decipher God speaking to me and my own feelings/thoughts. Example:

Situation A is happening. I know I feel a certain way, and I pray about things to go God's way...my feelings don't change, does this mean I'm stubborn or God really wants me to have these feelings?

I've gotten insight on this topic before and they always point me to God's word, aka The Bible. But thought on that is people have a skill for twisting things into what they want to hear. Or view verses in a way that anything can say what they want it to. Any other ideas?


On a great note: RICHWOODS BEAT WASHINGTON! To all the smack talkers, in your face ;o)

The Perfect 'Personal Day'..

Every once in a while I like to take what I call a 'personal day'. Granted, as a student you don't really get those, but it was about time I took one. I have been thinking for a while that I need to check my heart on some issues. I went to my first class and then went to Starbucks to have some 'me time'.

Now without going into details I have been struggling with issues in regards to forgiveness. Not only with other people, but in my head I didn't deserve God's forgiveness for some things. I've been struggling with my spirituality, it's just been empty. Prayers seem heartless and it's as if I don't believe someone could love me unconditionally enough to forgive me time after time. So I'm sitting at Starbucks reading a book I've had for a while but never was interested in finishing. "It came from within" by Andy Stanley which talks about checking your heart. Well I know God was waiting for me at Starbucks today because who he brought there too. None other than Lonnie Whisker. What a better sign to deal with my struggle for forgiveness than to be face to face with someone who has definately needed forgiveness. Something (I believe it was God) told me to tell Lonnie the impact he had on my life the New Community service he spoke at in June regarding the gospel of Mark and storms in our life. I have never been able to recall such a service where my heart was in it and I felt he was talking to me. (I can remember it almost a year later.) So I told him.

Lonnie and I talked for almost an hour about a lot of different things and we both knew God had us there in the corner of Starbucks for a reason. We prayed and then I went on with my personal day. I was able to then spend an hour and a half with my biggest inspiration and her beautiful daughter. We talked about a lot of random stuff and when it was quite it was a comfortable silence....I know you read this Summer..I hope you know how much I appreciate you and your turkey sandwhiches.

The day continued. When I got home I opened the curtains, did laundry and went to work out. I joined Gold's today. I've noticed a difference in my attitude since I started working out, and I know I can't afford it...but for me, I'd rather be healthy inside and out then buy a new shirt or shoes.

I sit here, just getting home from dinner with Tim and I for the first time in weeks feel in control, and I know that I have none. Tonight I am okay with that. I think I should take personal days more often! (Sorry this was sooo long!)

Old Bones..

So last night I made dinner for my campaigner girls, plus our good friend Michelle and we had a sleepover. It was a lot of fun! We stayed up until all hours just talking, pretty much thats all we did. Ate, talked, and a certain someone who will remained nameless busted out with 'the worm' on my wood floor. Hilarious!
Now since my schedule has been crazy, I typically go to bed at 9:30. The girls had school off today, but I still had to work. So I pooped out about 2:00am. Needless to say I was 30 minutes later to work that I'd hoped, and I'm sure I'll be heading to bed early tonight!
What a blessing from God to have a house where we can all fit and just enjoy spending time together. I love it!

Body Attack..

I am trying to keep myself active since the weather is so crappy...so my friend Alyssa invited me to Body Attack at Gold's. Let me just explain this in detail for your enjoyment on this crappy Friday afternoon:

I showed up not knowing what to expect. When I saw all of these women, ages ranging from 16-mid to late 40's in tight workoutfits, I got a little nervous. Then here comes the instructor wearing her spandex outfit sporting her headset microphone. I gave Alyssa one of those, "Are you serious" looks. The class began and within the first minute of the very first songs, I was ready to be done. I looked at the clock after I tried catching my breath, we had only been in class 15 minutes. (The class is an hour long.)

Visual image:

My face beet red, jumping up and down, flailing arms and kicking legs do a beat that is off from the rest of the class. As the time went on my kicks got lower, my jogs got less bouncy, I wanted to die. I would periodically (okay at least once through every routine) get water, but the instructor would insist on keeping the heart-rate up. My heart was screaming at me. There was even a time I had to go to the bathroom because I thought I was going to throw up from the bouncing. I was a mess! In between routines there would be a 20 second water break. Then the exercise nazi would be at it again demanding "high kicks" and for us to "power punch it out". My favorite part was when we were able to lay down and do sit ups. (Mostly the lay down part...)

I immediately started getting sore muscles. I honestly can't remember the last time I worked out, let alone an HOUR of cardio. 15-20 minutes is the MAX for me. The teacher came up to me and Alyssa after class and commented on how good we were. I personally think it was her way of trying to pep talk us so I would come back.

Thanks to Alyssa I have a week's free pass to Gold's. I guess I don't have to say it, but I'll be back tomorrow. ;o)