A few years ago I was in the market for a new car. During my search I test drove quite a few different cars, and it was like clockwork that for days after I drove the car I would see that same type driving all over town. Since I've been in my accident I have had been told of at least 6 additional motorcycle accidents.
My dad has been calling me every day since my accident, if he's not there with me. Last night he was on call (he's an EMT) and his chief came to talk to him about his friend. About a week after my accident, my dad's friend was riding through town on his motorcycle (without a helmet) and a kid crossed the center line and took him out. Immediately after this guy was talking with the emergency crew and holding conversations. It was when he was at the hospital that his brain started swelling and he now has a 20% chance of living.
My friends and I joke around because I have no verbal filter and very little emotional feeling while on my medication. But as my dad was telling me this story, I actually felt heartbreak. Tears came down my face and it made me realize, "That should have been me." There is no logical reason why Jason and I are able to live the way we do now after the type of accident we had. We fought for our lives on the scene and in the hospital during our stays, but now we are in the middle of recovery. It is crazy to think that a man who was in a very similar accident now is looking at death, just a few weeks after his accident.
I want to live a life to reflect this gratitude. And I will pray for every family that ever has to be put in a situation like ours.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Faith
As I sit here the night before phase 1 of my surgeries, mentally preparing for the start of a long journey, I can't help but just cry. I have always been a very independent person that no matter the situation, good or bad, I took responsibility for myself. I accepted any consequence with my head held high because that's what personal responsibility leads you to do. This is not a situation where I can do that. I didn't do anything to cause all of this, none of this was my fault. Yet Jason and I will continue to suffer through doctors appointments, surgeries, social anxiety, continual discomfort for some unknown reason.
I have tried to keep the question "Why" out of my vocabulary. It has always been a question that will most likely go unanswered during our time on earth and especially with the severity of our accident, even if we get an answer, I don't know if it would make everything okay. But as everyone continues to live their life just like they were, Jason and I face new challenges daily. Something as simple as showering or even going to the bathroom has become a chore. We have only been dating a few months but we can't even act like a newly dating couple. Cuddling only lasts for a short while before one of us gets uncomfortable or my leg gets hit or something that stops our affection. To ask "Why" seems like such a solid question because none of this makes sense. We decided on day 1 after we survived both of our emergency surgeries that we would never be victims. I will admit though that the further along this journey we go, that fight to remain humble and not angry gets harder.
Being independent you get a sense of control of this unpredictable life. My control in predicting recovery, handling work projects, deciding when I leave the house and sometimes even eating has been lost. I truly feel as if my life right now depends on the work of others. Coming from a situation where people have always been a let down that is a bit unnerving. I have surgery tomorrow morning that will hopefully start the recovery process for my leg. My surgeon is very admirable, but he's also human and may not be able to fix me. Reality sinks in and I have to believe in my heart that no matter what the outcome is after tomorrows procedure and ones down the road that this man will do anything in his power.
I don't have answers and I don't have control, but I guess what I can cling to is my faith. Faith that one day Jason and I will get an answer to the question we will hide deep in our hearts for the rest of our lives. Faith that someone might be saved or changed from our story. Faith that the doctor will be able to stop the infection and start reconstructing my leg. Faith that one day Jason and I can date in a normal setting, not one that requires us to get rides to see each other. I hope to always keep that faith.
I have tried to keep the question "Why" out of my vocabulary. It has always been a question that will most likely go unanswered during our time on earth and especially with the severity of our accident, even if we get an answer, I don't know if it would make everything okay. But as everyone continues to live their life just like they were, Jason and I face new challenges daily. Something as simple as showering or even going to the bathroom has become a chore. We have only been dating a few months but we can't even act like a newly dating couple. Cuddling only lasts for a short while before one of us gets uncomfortable or my leg gets hit or something that stops our affection. To ask "Why" seems like such a solid question because none of this makes sense. We decided on day 1 after we survived both of our emergency surgeries that we would never be victims. I will admit though that the further along this journey we go, that fight to remain humble and not angry gets harder.
Being independent you get a sense of control of this unpredictable life. My control in predicting recovery, handling work projects, deciding when I leave the house and sometimes even eating has been lost. I truly feel as if my life right now depends on the work of others. Coming from a situation where people have always been a let down that is a bit unnerving. I have surgery tomorrow morning that will hopefully start the recovery process for my leg. My surgeon is very admirable, but he's also human and may not be able to fix me. Reality sinks in and I have to believe in my heart that no matter what the outcome is after tomorrows procedure and ones down the road that this man will do anything in his power.
I don't have answers and I don't have control, but I guess what I can cling to is my faith. Faith that one day Jason and I will get an answer to the question we will hide deep in our hearts for the rest of our lives. Faith that someone might be saved or changed from our story. Faith that the doctor will be able to stop the infection and start reconstructing my leg. Faith that one day Jason and I can date in a normal setting, not one that requires us to get rides to see each other. I hope to always keep that faith.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Roll with the punches
I've always been a very structured and schedule orientated person. For a living I run on schedules of meetings and I am mostly dependent on myself to make sure I get wherever on time. One of the many things I am learning during these weeks of being laid up is how to be okay with rolling with the punches.
The biggest hold up to being able to let life happen is the idea we cling on to that we need to have control or have planned everything. In the grand scheme of things, we are all merely pawns in this world we call life. As a shut-in I am at the mercy of any kind friend that can take me places and feed me. Its a tough reality, but nothing I do can change that status. No matter how many schedules or strategies I put in place, I have to be okay if things don't really happen my way. Very humbling.
I went to the doctor Friday and found out things weren't healing as we'd hoped. My skin tissue didn't reattach itself and has started to decompose. Hearing that news was sobering, but I believe God has been working on my heart to let go and realize that I have to roll with the punches. Let the doctors do their work and just continue living every day until something begins to go right.
The biggest hold up to being able to let life happen is the idea we cling on to that we need to have control or have planned everything. In the grand scheme of things, we are all merely pawns in this world we call life. As a shut-in I am at the mercy of any kind friend that can take me places and feed me. Its a tough reality, but nothing I do can change that status. No matter how many schedules or strategies I put in place, I have to be okay if things don't really happen my way. Very humbling.
I went to the doctor Friday and found out things weren't healing as we'd hoped. My skin tissue didn't reattach itself and has started to decompose. Hearing that news was sobering, but I believe God has been working on my heart to let go and realize that I have to roll with the punches. Let the doctors do their work and just continue living every day until something begins to go right.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Life is different
With the hustle and bustle of being in the hospital for a week you tend to feel like a local celebrity. Doctors, nurses, and even hospital staff had heard of Jasons and my story throughout the week and came to send their prayers and kind thoughts. We had friends and family coming to see us and offering anything they can to help us on our healing journey. I've been home from the hospital for awhile now and Jason gets to go home today. I am not sure when it will hit him, but on Sunday it hit me that my life is now different.
Weekends were our chance to just spend time together. Jason and I have a very grueling schedule during the week and we purposely save weekends to be with each other. Typically Sunday night we spend lounging on the couch together just resting from the week and preparing for the week ahead. This Sunday was very difficult. My friends went boating, one of my favorite pasttimes, and I went to the hospital for about an hour before I got too tired and needed to sleep. I layed around by myself, while my boyfriend was laying in his hospital bed. Life was different.
As the week continued I spend a lot more time by myself, with my thoughts, but it's only at night that it gets hard. We never really had sleepovers, but it's a time when I feel most vulnerable. I miss him. I miss being able to just lay and watch a movie. Even when he gets released, both of our injuries are on the same side so cuddling would be extremely difficult. I just never want to take what I have for granted, because you never know how much you'll miss it when its gone.
Life will be different for quite a while.
Weekends were our chance to just spend time together. Jason and I have a very grueling schedule during the week and we purposely save weekends to be with each other. Typically Sunday night we spend lounging on the couch together just resting from the week and preparing for the week ahead. This Sunday was very difficult. My friends went boating, one of my favorite pasttimes, and I went to the hospital for about an hour before I got too tired and needed to sleep. I layed around by myself, while my boyfriend was laying in his hospital bed. Life was different.
As the week continued I spend a lot more time by myself, with my thoughts, but it's only at night that it gets hard. We never really had sleepovers, but it's a time when I feel most vulnerable. I miss him. I miss being able to just lay and watch a movie. Even when he gets released, both of our injuries are on the same side so cuddling would be extremely difficult. I just never want to take what I have for granted, because you never know how much you'll miss it when its gone.
Life will be different for quite a while.
Monday, June 14, 2010
A second chance
About a week ago my boyfriend and I were spending a nice Sunday together. We were going to go to lunch, stop by my place and go to Elmwood to check out the tornado damage from the night before. Since it was a beautiful and sunny day, we decided to take his motorcycle. Little did we know that two blocks away from his house our lives have changed forever.
We were driving slowly through an intersection where we had the right-of-way and all of a sudden a car that had blown through a stop sign took us out. Life happened so strangely from the moment we were struck. It didn't seem like real life. I remember flipping towards my left side and hitting a few things before finally landing. I will spare you all the gory details, but from the moment we both looked at each other and knew the other would be fighting, there was a peace that calmed us both. After what seemed like hours of slow breathing and blurred focus I finally arrived to OSF's Trauma room.
This past week of surgeries, visitors, doctors, non-stop nurse visits, physical therapy, tears, flowers and so much more have really opened my eyes to what life is all about. He and I have grown so much as a couple and know that both together and individually we have a long journey to fight through. Through this journey I will be writing my realizations that hopefully will help you all see that today, accident or not, can be your second chance.
We were driving slowly through an intersection where we had the right-of-way and all of a sudden a car that had blown through a stop sign took us out. Life happened so strangely from the moment we were struck. It didn't seem like real life. I remember flipping towards my left side and hitting a few things before finally landing. I will spare you all the gory details, but from the moment we both looked at each other and knew the other would be fighting, there was a peace that calmed us both. After what seemed like hours of slow breathing and blurred focus I finally arrived to OSF's Trauma room.
This past week of surgeries, visitors, doctors, non-stop nurse visits, physical therapy, tears, flowers and so much more have really opened my eyes to what life is all about. He and I have grown so much as a couple and know that both together and individually we have a long journey to fight through. Through this journey I will be writing my realizations that hopefully will help you all see that today, accident or not, can be your second chance.
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