Surrender

So I have noticed that since Justin and myself have gotten out of the boring jobs, we blog less. I think that means we must like our new jobs?

A lot has happened since my last post. I've been completely broken and have been trying to restore myself. I've been surrendering myself to God daily, and my week has been 'better.'

I've had a chance to look outside of the past month. When you take yourself out of the situation you realize the truth of what really went on. I kinda blogged about it before but it's becoming more apparent to me every day. When God blessed my life with a good new job, good boyfriend, and my last semester of college, and great friends, I concentrated on what I could make better. I took the good and ruined it all with my control. When I felt things weren't going my way I was a 'spaz'. I made my life and people I care about lives so stressful. Being pulled out of the situation I wish there were things I could do to change. I definately went through a time when I wasn't my typical self.

I try to pride myself on having a smile, balancing a lot of things, and just loving people. I turned from the people I love and made them not want to be around me. I felt I'd be better off alone. I prayed for brokeness. I now pray for answers. I have realized that no matter what I do in my life, I can't control it. God is the only one that can heal me. I wonder if things will ever go back to the way they were.

Enough is enough..

This past month has been horrible. Granted God blessed me with many great things, a new job, a good boyfriend, temporary financial security/peace, control over school, and good friends. I think Charlie was the one who commented when God blesses, Satan attacks. I have been under self scrutiny and last night I realized I can't control everything.

Instead of taking all the blessings God has provided, I concentrated on how things were not in my control and allowed Satan to rule my heart. My job is great, but I worked 55 hours. On top of that I have a Public Relations Campaign for school that we actually have to carry out. (I'll post about that later.) This campaign takes a lot of scheduled meetings, outside work and thats on top of my two online courses and the balance of my 19 credit hour semester. I was concentrating on knowing my future in my relationship instead of living for the day. I wanted to know what God had in store before He wanted me to. When things didn't go my way I looked at the negative. I no longer have a sense of security with my finances, especially after I have many upcoming large bills to pay. My friends are still good, and I love them every moment of my life.

Last night I found myself stuck. Someone I care about lost two people in their life this past weekend. I couldn't control anything. I wanted to console him, I wanted to take his hurt. But it puts me in a hard position because he isn't letting me. My heart was/is so heavy for his family. I can't do this. It all has to be God. I was writing a talk last night for Young Life and the cool thing about this talk was my topic was "God can do anything." How true.

Valentine's Day

So I have NEVER had a good Valentine's day. Ranging from having the day forgotten to revealing a cheating partner, it just hasn't ever been good. Today isn't much different, I had to wake up to facing my night before.

Tim and I broke up. It's hard because for a while I was needed, I could put my efforts into something that seemed to be producing happiness for both. Supposedly it had become a 'rope around the neck'. It hurts facing that. To think I was causing someone that pressure to be a good boyfriend. It is definatley something I will be analyzing and in all honesty, my actions afterward will also cause me agony.

As I was driving away I let my emotions get the best of me. I wanted to show how much I was hurting and get out of there fast. Little did I think, the roads are horrible. I couldn't stop and I swipped someone's car. My first accident at the age of 22. Put it in the books. Of course I was hysterical, but there was no way I was going to blame this on 'breaking up with my boyfriend'. The couple's car I hit the rear light was the only damage. For some reason my right rear-view mirror was shattered. (I haven't quite figured out how my mirror was at the same level as their brake light, but whatever.) To make matters even worse, the wife of the couple was my second grade teacher. :( How embarrassing. Let's recap. This past month my record has been: 2 parking tickets, 1 speeding ticket, and now this.

Pardon me if I slip into a deep financial and emotional hole.

Horrible Super Sunday

So I was driving to Chicago from the YL Mission Community Conference to watch the Superbowl. I had plenty of time so I wasn't speeding. I went through a speed zone at 55mph. Once the construction zone ended I preceded to go 67. Not bad. I don't think I have ever driven that slow on the highway. I get pulled over. The cop said I was speeding, and in my head I was going 2 mph over!! Well it turns out that the highway speed limit is 55 not 65. WHAT?! So what exactly was the point of the speed zone I had just gone through a mile down the road?! Well I bit my tongue on all the things I wanted to argue about and with rolled eyes took my $75.00 speeding ticket.

The night wasn't much better. After the first quarter I don't know what the Bears were doing, but it definately put a damper on the rest of my night. I decided I needed to drive home to think instead of staying the night. Today I am hurting because I took a leap of faith last night.

The hardest part of taking that leap is the hurt and the risk of losing a friend. I don't want him out of my life, but I know there is a big difference in where I am, and where he is. I see a light at the end of the tunnel, but I don't know how long I can stay in the darkness. I know thats vague....sorry.

God just please mold and soften our hearts and shine light on where you want me to be.