Long time coming...

It has been probably a month or two since I've felt this way. Down. Depressed. On the verge of tears. I layed in bed last night tossing and turning and my eyes filling up with tears. Yet I didn't know why. I went to church this morning, only to leave more depressed. (There is something about holiday sermons that make me feel like crap coming from a split household.) Today's sermon was how to make a house a home. Well most likely it will be years before I am able to create my own home, so during sermons like this morning I analyze my family.

I have finished my treatments, and in all honesty I think I am feeling this way because my body doesn't know what to do. This week was when I should have gotten another shot but since I'm not my body is throwing me into massive flashes and evidently mood swings. I'm starting to get nervous because throughout the treatment I never thought what I would be like after the 6 months. I decided to look it up online today...bad idea. I found negative feedback. Let me just tell you that when you are in a weird mood it is not the time to begin searching for health concerns. This situation is forcing me to turn to God. I guess all in all it will be worth it, whatever the outcome.

Tuesday is a huge day for me. I feel sometimes like I drop the ball in my academics. I don't have much desire but then when it comes to the end of the year I feel bad and try to make up for the whole semester. Big semester long projects are becoming due, and frankly I don't have much of a desire to do them. I know I have to and thats what kills me. I have one week left of this semester and I can't wait! Well...back to work. (It's sooooo slow but I guess it'll give me a chance to work on my thigns due on Tuesday)

My reason to smile: Watching the Bears game today at work in high def.

Thanksgiving

To me Thanksgiving has never really been a holiday. This year wasn't much different. I worked half of a normal morning shift and drove to Bloomington to eat dinner at my sisters. This was the first year they had it at their house, and we did it so the baby wouldn't have to come to Peoria. Usually we will go to my aunts house, or have dinner at my mom's. Rounding the dinner table last night was my sister, her husband, my neiece and nephew, my mother and myself. We had way to much food for just us 6. We don't have the normal Thanksgiving where families from all around get together.

As I was driving to Bloomington, it was such a gorgeous day, I got this idea that I should write a book. I'm not saying my writing skills are good enough by any means. I would definately need an editor. But I literally thought out all of the logistics of my book in the 35 minute drive. Who knows, maybe one day you'll be reading my book instead of my blog.

The purpose of this blog was to comment on how kids say the darnest things. They really do. My neiece, going to be 5 in January, literally brought me to tears yesterday. Her comment was so pure and sweet that I couldn't help but shed a few. After dinner last night I was laying down on the couch holding my baby nephew. It's amazing to watch the facial expressions babies make when they sleep, anywho. Ethan was sleeping and he smiled at me. Sydney was stand right next to me and said, "Cece, (its the nickname they call me since they couldnt say Leslie) he is smiling at you because he loves you." How freaking cute. It was then my eyes filled with water and I was thanking God for my beautiful family.

My reason to smile: I have 20 more minutes of work and I have all day off tomorrow!!!!

Blast from the past..

I feel like I'm a kid again. You know, the age when you do something because you see other people doing it and think its okay..

Lately I've been doing some things that are a little out of character for me. Well I guess its not so much out of character, its just something different. I haven't felt convicted about it, and I personally am in a limbo with ideas of right and wrong. I feel God is putting me in a specific position and I'm taking it to the next level. Here's the thing...I look at other Christian relationships and blend them together to create an ideal relationship for myself. The problem with that is the fact that each of the Christian relationships are at different levels. I have the ability to choose the level of different aspects that I want. But I guess here is my question...besides prayer, how will I know which ideal to follow? (Trust me I've been a prayin)


My reason to smile: thats for me to know and you to find out ;o)

Under Fire

My mind has been constantly under fire. Wheels keep turning, and nothing positive is coming out. I think I am definately being put under attack and A) I don't know why B) Pray that I get through it.

As I layed in bed last night, marking the worst possible attempt at 'sleep' I probaby have had in my entire life, I put myself under the microscope. The worst part about that is I know I am my own worst enemy and can pick myself apart, causing hours and hours of scrutiny. "Why am I not good enough" "Why did I do that" "I really shouldn't have eaten that much today" "I am so stupid"...the list goes on and on. What the hardest part about it was I was in constant prayer. I still didn't feel okay. My legs were twitching, I was shivering yet under the covers in sweatpants, and tossing and turning the whole night. I chalked it up to not feeling well, but this was truely some kind of sickness.

It's a busy week...there's no time to fall short.


My reason to smile today: Summer Sletten. (and baby Lyza of course!)

What happens in Vegas...

Does not seem to stay there. Yesterday I got home from my second trip to Vegas in one month. Two totally different vacations, but both times the wheels in my mind were turning when I was on my way home. I went with some of my friends that I lead Young Life with. We stayed on the Vegas strip so I got to see a lot more of the city than I did when I stayed a little while away.

The thoughts started happening while I was laying by the pool. (Be jealous). Why is it so easy to become disconnected from God when you are in such a place? Your views aren't changed but it is almost as if you put God on the back burner. (Keeping Him in your heart, not living outloud.) As soon as I was driving back contemplating my justification of the weekend, it was like I was dialing into God again. What the crap!?! It's as if while you are in the midst of sin you don't make an effort to grow. Yea, I brought my Bible. But the shining lights of the casino took my time. (example folks, I didn't spend toooooo much time gambling) After my second trip I was so in tune with how I felt about the things going on there. When I went back, same problem. But its like when I am in the midwest I am so wise. I just don't get it.


My reason to smile: Fall weekend this weekend for Young Life!

Sin.

What a disease. I have had conviction resignating in my heart all morning and it seriously makes me sick. (I did however pray for it, so don't feel pity) Let me digress:

Sin is never ending. I believe that when you become a Christian, and turn your heart over to God you will still knowingly sin. You will be learning to love God but still getting the courage to ditch your life apart from God, your past. For me, it took a few years for things all to fall into place. I still struggle, or fall but it has been with different things then it was when I first became a Christian. What I don't understand, and its causing me heartache today, is why do we still commit sin when we know in our heart it is wrong?

God's whispers were in my head, my cross was hanging from my neck. I knew that what I was subjecting myself would not benefit me in any way, yet I did not stop it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Now by ommitting the situation and talking in generalities I am sure people have extreme thoughts running through their heads, don't worry, it's not life altering.

Here's my question. If we as Christ followers know where we are in our walk, know in our hearts what is right and wrong, then why on earth do we still go through the crap? Not all of the time. I believe there can be a great stretch where you are constantly learning more and striving to satisfy God's desires for our lives, but what about the times when your past struggles come face to face with today. I am so dissapointed in myself because I know what I need and know what to do, but I let it slip.


My reason to smile: Spending time with Alyssa and walking to class only to experience a man in a car bumping "White and Diry" by Weird Al with all the windows down. hahahaha Great experience!

Thursday Nights

These are the nights I look foward to the most. Small group night. I have found a group filled with amazing dynamics, overflowing hearts and vast passion to grow spiritually. I would have never imagined myself to ever get this lucky, but I found a group that I look forward to the years to come. I highly recommend to anyone out there that loves community to find a small group, or start one of your own! (Many small groups have it 'small' to build intimacy and its hard to join one once it has started)

The part I love the most is when we split up for girl time. I think the guys get frustrated with us (especially the ones who carpool) because we talk for hours, literally. It's such a blessing to have a group of girls where I can share anything on my heart and to have them feel the same.

Small group always gives me issues to reflect on and work on bettering myself. (I'm sure I'll blog on that topic more later!!!!)

My reason to smile: My amazing small group.

Two Week Wrap Up

I can't tell you how eventful my past two weeks have been. Some of the stuff I do is routine but when I come home from the daily grind I just keep finding stuff to do around the house. Tonight is the first night in a long time that I'm just trying to relax. (I bet any amount of money I will start cleaning or rearranging.)

The house is beautiful. It's definately becoming more 'home'. Last night we had our first official get together, or Halloween party if you will. It went over really well. Although I'm not used to being a party host, I constantly felt I should be doing something to entertain everyone. But I think our window connecting the kitchen to the living room entertained everyone just as good. (I have never seen as many people just cross through a window instead of walking around.)

The Nexus Retreat was exactly what I needed. I have not been that active since probably before I got sick. Let me tell you that my body was screaming at me for days! Brandon, the speaker, was talking about how we distract ourselves with idols, and before I posted this blog I read my last post. How selfish am I? Worried about not having Internet?!? Wow...I need to recheck myself.

I got my final treatment today!!! I can't express how excited I am to feel 'normal' in a month!! Let's hope all of my problems will no longer be problems!!! I have a trick or treating story to tell you all but since Charlie tells me my blogs are too long...I'll save it for next time!! ;o)

My reason to smile: a peaceful night in my house!!