On bended knee...

The past week has been filled with rough but necessary realization. While I was traveling to California my spiritual relationship was in full blossom. I have never felt as close to God outside of a retreat then I did while I was there. I believe I was growing in ways I needed in order to fully dedicate my heart to God and surrender my life to Him. When I got back home, it's been nothing but challenges.

After church this morning, it took all I had not to break down into tears. I'm not depressed and playing my own violin's of sorrows, I'm explaining God's works and I need to be brutally honest even if it does cause me embarrassment. I was standing in the hallway with some of the most humanly influential people in my life. These including the people who introduced me to Christ, and also the people who inspire me to be more Christlike everyday. I stepped out to walk to my car and my heart was bursting. My whole way home I was putting together pieces of the challenges I have faced the past week and was uncontrollably broken.

Last week I had visions of what I was really facing in my life. Today, put it together. I have desires of surrendering myself to Christ, fully. That is something I don't believe I have ever done, but in times like these I have to, God is really all I have here. My job produces nothing but anxiety and frustration. I dread going into work because I get sucked into the gossip and anger everyday. My finances are literally causing me to consider a second job which would sacrifice my sanity and lack of 'me' time I already miss. My phone constantly rings by people in which I owe money to and every time it causes me to cringe because I would give anything to just be able to pay them and not worry about it anymore. I see everyone around me moving into that next phase of life and it creates such a desire in my heart. There is not even a lead to that part in my future. (Disclaimer: this just adds to the list, and is actually the least of my worries) The things I valued are broken. I dropped my brand new phone and shattered the screen, no insurance. My camera in which I enjoy broke the second day I was in California. My friends (including myself) are all so busy starting our lives that we don't really have time for each other.

All of this has caused me to really evaluate what I have in life. I have come to realize that when it seems you have nothing it makes you realize the one thing that you will always have; unfortunately it takes your whole life falling apart in order to realize that.