An alteration of the mind..

I get on roller-coasters of reading kicks. The past month or so I have gotten on again and decided to read books that others have recommended. Typically I have selective people that I will follow their reading advice, but the past month I have read two, and am in the middle of one book from overheard conversations. Strangely enough all 3 books have a similar theme that has stirred my brain into wanting to live a different life.

The first book I read, by recommendation of a fellow Young Life volunteer, was called "Same Kind of Different as Me" by Ron Hall and Denver Moore. It tells a story of how two very different people whose views on life were very different, yet God uses their friendship to reveal Himself. I felt the urge to serve others after reading this book, with the understanding that in reality I have no understanding beyond my own experience or assumption. There's a whole world out there in which I am so closed off.

The second book has made its way around our church community and I finally had the desire to read it. "Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne allowed me to continue my thought process on serving others and the world outside of my comprehension. A few weird things happened as I was reading his book. Primarily the government decided to vote for the Healthcare Reform which stirs a lot of emotions for someone who is caught in the middle. Working for a small business owner and knowing the taxes of what goes into a program like that, but on the flip side my heart is starting to desire a different way of living for myself. An unselfish way of life. Plus it started getting me thinking of actually having a stance on politics instead of just being so lackadaisical about the topic.

The second incidence that happened while reading this book has been running through my mind for about a week and a half. The other Sunday I had the pleasure of serving breakfast to the less fortunate. It was my duty to play 'bouncer' at the door due to the fire code needing to be enforced. I got to interact with a lot of our homeless friends that day because i got to welcome them as they walked in and give them best wishes as they left. There was one gentleman that wasn't talking to many people that particular morning and so as he walked out I decided to look him in the eye and tell him "Good Morning". He snuffed my comment and went out, later I saw he came back in and headed right to me. For the second time that morning I noticed two tear drops tattooed on his face. With the limited knowledge I have about gangs or south side lifestyles, I do know that a tattoo of a tear drop is to represent how many people one has killed. So as this gentleman walked towards me he opened his arms as if he was going to hug me. I panicked and went out to shake his hand and then for a minute or so we did this awkward shuffle dance as I was not ready to commit to a hug. In retrospect I do not know why I wasn't willing to hug him. It was fear that ran my mind and body at that moment and for the past week and a half it's been bothering me. I am ashamed in knowing that I was afraid of showing someone that they are cared about with an embrace, yet I'd get up early to serve that same man breakfast? I hugged at least 15 people that day at church yet I couldn't get myself to hug him? What if that hug was something that could change his life? This went to show me that as I am in transition and have grown a lot, I still have a lot to learn. My instinct should be to serve anyone that needs anything even if it is just a hug.

I watched the Blind Side the other night, and at the very end of the movie they talked about the lifestyle of some kids and how if they just are given a chance they might make a difference. I pray that eventually my thoughts and actions be like Jesus and people walk away from interacting with me different. Different because of Him.

The third book in case you are wondering is called "An Altar in the World" by Barbara Brown Taylor, a recommendation by my mother. I am only two chapters in but I can already tell the theme will continue.

Where am I?

The question Where am I? tends to have a very surfacing meaning. Walking into a weird place, getting lost in directions but as I have reached a quarter of a century old I find myself asking that question a lot. Let me explain.

I have a lot of friends from high school or college that have moved across the country, some even overseas. They have great new lives experiencing wonderful new things. I see pictures of fabulous trips they are taking and the wonderful explorations their new friends or significant others are taking with them. I on the other hand chose a different path. After high school I stayed in town and went to Bradley. After I graduated I tossed around the idea of moving out west but never pulled the trigger. I sit here as a 25 year old, 3 years into a career, exhausted from the same scenery and I always ask myself, "Where am I?"

I am spontaneous, I am fun, I love doing new things. Then why do I not take advantage of the uncharted territory across the country like my friends have? Instead I've stayed in the same area, within roughly a 10 mile radius of where I grew up and I run into the same people time and time again. I am forced to live vicariously through the lives of the people close to me with marriages and babies. (It seems as though over the past 21 years I have been here I have either be-friended or scared off every single male species that would be dateable.)

All in all I find myself wondering, what else is out there? I haven't had the courage or finances to explore like my friends have, but if I did, what would be in store for my life? What else could Peoria Illinois possibly have to offer me? Is there any new life here for me?

Just thoughts folks, no major plans, don't worry. :)

Unworthy

I haven't attended a church service in two weeks. I won't be at church this Sunday. The weird thing is that although I haven't been surrounding myself with Godly messages or sermons, my life has felt unsettled with thought. I am not falling off the deep end by any means, but my life has been in a standstill with introspection.

My heart has been heavy the past few weeks for trials and tribulations that people in my life are facing. It seems as though cancer is the most prevalent trial, but there are also some non-lifethreatening issues at hand. Divorces, unsuccessful pregnancies, loss of jobs, etc. As my heart gets weighed down with continual prayers for them I begin to think of my life.

I've been sick the past week as most of the people I have encountered share the same frustration. I don't know what it is but no matter what I did to home-remedy the situation it didn't help. When I discovered solid as a rock lymph nodes I broke down, went to the doc-in-a-box and got myself some meds (that I am painstakingly taking 4 times a day for 10 days.) The crazy part about this story is that even before and after going to the doctor, I allowed my mind and my WEB-MD knowledge to convince myself I had cancer, benign tumors or HIV. Crazy thoughts, I know.

I was driving home tonight after watching a best friend of mine go through a challenging situation and for some reason it all seemed to click. I watch good people go through crappy situations and there's not a thing I can do except pray. I believe I allow myself to diagnose myself with these issues because if it were to happen to anyone, it should happen to me. Cancer shouldn't reappear in someone who has already fought it and been through that torture, it should happen to me. With all of the things I have done wrong and taken for granted, I have finally realized that I put myself through this mental torture because I feel I deserve it.

As God has been working in my heart and mind regarding my lifestyle and becoming a better person I wonder if there is ever a time where someone feels worthy of God's blessings? In the Bible it says to ask and expect patiently. Love God and love others and God will heap blessings unto your life. No matter how progressively I have added these aspects into my life I still feel unworthy. I am so grateful for everything I have. I wish I would have started acting like it a long time ago.