Blast from the past..

I feel like I'm a kid again. You know, the age when you do something because you see other people doing it and think its okay..

Lately I've been doing some things that are a little out of character for me. Well I guess its not so much out of character, its just something different. I haven't felt convicted about it, and I personally am in a limbo with ideas of right and wrong. I feel God is putting me in a specific position and I'm taking it to the next level. Here's the thing...I look at other Christian relationships and blend them together to create an ideal relationship for myself. The problem with that is the fact that each of the Christian relationships are at different levels. I have the ability to choose the level of different aspects that I want. But I guess here is my question...besides prayer, how will I know which ideal to follow? (Trust me I've been a prayin)


My reason to smile: thats for me to know and you to find out ;o)

Under Fire

My mind has been constantly under fire. Wheels keep turning, and nothing positive is coming out. I think I am definately being put under attack and A) I don't know why B) Pray that I get through it.

As I layed in bed last night, marking the worst possible attempt at 'sleep' I probaby have had in my entire life, I put myself under the microscope. The worst part about that is I know I am my own worst enemy and can pick myself apart, causing hours and hours of scrutiny. "Why am I not good enough" "Why did I do that" "I really shouldn't have eaten that much today" "I am so stupid"...the list goes on and on. What the hardest part about it was I was in constant prayer. I still didn't feel okay. My legs were twitching, I was shivering yet under the covers in sweatpants, and tossing and turning the whole night. I chalked it up to not feeling well, but this was truely some kind of sickness.

It's a busy week...there's no time to fall short.


My reason to smile today: Summer Sletten. (and baby Lyza of course!)

What happens in Vegas...

Does not seem to stay there. Yesterday I got home from my second trip to Vegas in one month. Two totally different vacations, but both times the wheels in my mind were turning when I was on my way home. I went with some of my friends that I lead Young Life with. We stayed on the Vegas strip so I got to see a lot more of the city than I did when I stayed a little while away.

The thoughts started happening while I was laying by the pool. (Be jealous). Why is it so easy to become disconnected from God when you are in such a place? Your views aren't changed but it is almost as if you put God on the back burner. (Keeping Him in your heart, not living outloud.) As soon as I was driving back contemplating my justification of the weekend, it was like I was dialing into God again. What the crap!?! It's as if while you are in the midst of sin you don't make an effort to grow. Yea, I brought my Bible. But the shining lights of the casino took my time. (example folks, I didn't spend toooooo much time gambling) After my second trip I was so in tune with how I felt about the things going on there. When I went back, same problem. But its like when I am in the midwest I am so wise. I just don't get it.


My reason to smile: Fall weekend this weekend for Young Life!

Sin.

What a disease. I have had conviction resignating in my heart all morning and it seriously makes me sick. (I did however pray for it, so don't feel pity) Let me digress:

Sin is never ending. I believe that when you become a Christian, and turn your heart over to God you will still knowingly sin. You will be learning to love God but still getting the courage to ditch your life apart from God, your past. For me, it took a few years for things all to fall into place. I still struggle, or fall but it has been with different things then it was when I first became a Christian. What I don't understand, and its causing me heartache today, is why do we still commit sin when we know in our heart it is wrong?

God's whispers were in my head, my cross was hanging from my neck. I knew that what I was subjecting myself would not benefit me in any way, yet I did not stop it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Now by ommitting the situation and talking in generalities I am sure people have extreme thoughts running through their heads, don't worry, it's not life altering.

Here's my question. If we as Christ followers know where we are in our walk, know in our hearts what is right and wrong, then why on earth do we still go through the crap? Not all of the time. I believe there can be a great stretch where you are constantly learning more and striving to satisfy God's desires for our lives, but what about the times when your past struggles come face to face with today. I am so dissapointed in myself because I know what I need and know what to do, but I let it slip.


My reason to smile: Spending time with Alyssa and walking to class only to experience a man in a car bumping "White and Diry" by Weird Al with all the windows down. hahahaha Great experience!

Thursday Nights

These are the nights I look foward to the most. Small group night. I have found a group filled with amazing dynamics, overflowing hearts and vast passion to grow spiritually. I would have never imagined myself to ever get this lucky, but I found a group that I look forward to the years to come. I highly recommend to anyone out there that loves community to find a small group, or start one of your own! (Many small groups have it 'small' to build intimacy and its hard to join one once it has started)

The part I love the most is when we split up for girl time. I think the guys get frustrated with us (especially the ones who carpool) because we talk for hours, literally. It's such a blessing to have a group of girls where I can share anything on my heart and to have them feel the same.

Small group always gives me issues to reflect on and work on bettering myself. (I'm sure I'll blog on that topic more later!!!!)

My reason to smile: My amazing small group.

Two Week Wrap Up

I can't tell you how eventful my past two weeks have been. Some of the stuff I do is routine but when I come home from the daily grind I just keep finding stuff to do around the house. Tonight is the first night in a long time that I'm just trying to relax. (I bet any amount of money I will start cleaning or rearranging.)

The house is beautiful. It's definately becoming more 'home'. Last night we had our first official get together, or Halloween party if you will. It went over really well. Although I'm not used to being a party host, I constantly felt I should be doing something to entertain everyone. But I think our window connecting the kitchen to the living room entertained everyone just as good. (I have never seen as many people just cross through a window instead of walking around.)

The Nexus Retreat was exactly what I needed. I have not been that active since probably before I got sick. Let me tell you that my body was screaming at me for days! Brandon, the speaker, was talking about how we distract ourselves with idols, and before I posted this blog I read my last post. How selfish am I? Worried about not having Internet?!? Wow...I need to recheck myself.

I got my final treatment today!!! I can't express how excited I am to feel 'normal' in a month!! Let's hope all of my problems will no longer be problems!!! I have a trick or treating story to tell you all but since Charlie tells me my blogs are too long...I'll save it for next time!! ;o)

My reason to smile: a peaceful night in my house!!

Nice MOOOOOOVe

It's been forever since I have blogged!! A lot has happened in my life, I don't even know where to begin!

Well I have finally moved out of the nest, again, and into a house with two of my friends. It's been two nights and it still doesn't feel like 'home', but I can definately tell it will be soon. We don't have internet yet, which is KILLING me. I feel so disconnected from the world. I mean when I check my bloglines it takes me forever to read everyone's!! I need THE INTERNET!! (But due to lack of funds I don't know when thats going to be possible) I wish my neighbors had wireless internet so I could just borrow theirs...don't judge me.

This move has put me financially strapped. Okay, maybe not just the move, but other things as well. I don't know if I blogged about it but I quit my second job at Kellehers. Time was not on my side and I was scheduled to be gone most weekends this fall. I felt confident in my finances knowing that it would be hard, but God was putting something in my heart and I knew I had to do it. I took a leap of faith, and am trying to live faithfully knowing God will provide. I sometimes wish all of my bills would be paid off and I would be left with nothing. I could then rely on God to provide and not give me bad credit! ;o)

This weekend we have the Nexus retreat and I can't tell you how excited I am for it! (I just have to find the money to pay for it!!!!)

my reason to smile: my beautiful house and beautiful roomates!

Comic Relief

The past week has been nothing but a ball of stress. I was living in the hospital, gladly, for 4 days and school was running its course once I got back. Not only with struggles I always have, but with moving next Wednesday and Young Life and fighting getting sick...my body feels like its breaking down. I sleep but when I wake up it feels as though I haven't. Let me just say God has definately been my strength.
I am a firm believer that its okay to be stressed out, just NOT ALL THE TIME. I love to laugh I love to make people laugh and I really don't think there is a lot in this world that should bog people down. Well in the midst of my serious 5 days straight, I think God wanted me to have a bit of comic relief. Granted I didn't think this story I'm about to tell was funny at the time, but now that I look at it..I know God was telling me to smile.

So I was walking out of the library the other day to my car. I was going to stop by my friend Alyssa's house so I had my phone out and I was calling her. Suddenly I felt a branch brush my head and my bag (I don't believe in book bags, just large enough bags to fit my books) was carry extra weight. I look over my right shoulder only to find a HUGE FURRY PUFF of a tail. A SQUIRREL.... A FRICKIN SQUIRREL HAD FALLEN INTO/ON MY BAG!!!!! Murryl, we'll call him, fell or jumped from the tree branch RIGHT ON TOP OF ME. Of course I did the only normal thing and screamed "HOLY S***" and threw my bag then ran away. Murryl then scattered away as I was doubled over trying to catch my breath. My heart was beating so fast!!! The worst part, besides the possible rabies that are spread in my bag, is that a group of fraternity men were walking by and witnessed the whole thing. How embarrassing!

I know I will NEVER look at a squirrel the same way!

My reason to smile: IF this happened to you, how could you NOT?

Prayer Request

Saturday night I get a phone call from my mom telling me my sister's water broke. Great. Minus the fact that she was due in December. After spending hours at the hospital they decided they couldn't wait any longer to transfer her to Peoria due to excessive blood loss. They performed an emergency c-section. He was born 4lbs and 14 ounches, 18.5in long. 1:54 in the morning on 10/15/2006. Baby Ethan Michael was then transported to the Peoria Children's Hospital, but my sister has to stay here in Bloomington. He's doing well but his poor little lungs haven't developed. Its hard for my sister to be here while the baby is there....but she is healing exceptionally well! If you could just pray for strength not only for my sister but for baby Ethan I would appreciate it! I don't know what my schedule is going to be like...and I'm fighting a cold. (The lack of sleep hasn't helped at all) It's bee a great experience to be here with my sister and watch as she goes through this all. But it is wearing down on us all.

PS: My reason to smile.....Seeing God's miracles so close to home.

The New Age

I've always been in a hurry to grow up, and I don't know why. Maybe its the different circumstances I faced as a child, or the fact that I have always hung around people older than myself. People have always been telling me to slow down and be patient. When I was in highschool people told me "college is the time of your life". But honestly, I've been through 3 1/2 years and I'm still waiting for it to come true. I was thinking the other day how I don't think I am the type of person to fall in love with college. I have fallen in love with the idea of the next stage in life.

I was trying to list the things I was excited for. Here's what I came up with:
1. Graduating college
2. Finding a full time job
3. Getting married
4. Buying a house
5. Starting a family

Most people don't want college to end, I wanted it to end right after it started. I can only be patient for this next stage of my life. I suppose right now I have to live vicariously through my friends that are getting married and having children. One day....one day.

My reason to smile: um....I dont know? Today its hard because I am sick and at work and its soooo slow and time is crawling. ;o( But I guess Nexus tonight!!!

The Barbarian Way

So I've been brewing on the topic of this blog for a day or so now. I am back from Vegas alive and well (and breaking even I might add). For my trip I borrowed a book from Bethany called The Barbarian Way. I had heard people talking about doing a book study on it, and I finally have finished all the summer reading so I thought I'd bring some plane material. I read one chapter on the way there and read the rest on the way home. Once I was into it, I couldn't stop reading it. As the pages kept turning I found so many comparisions in points that the author, Erwin Raphael McManus, stated to my life. I wish I would have had a highlighter, but I read somewhere that its rude to write in borrowed books. The ideas in this blog came from the book revamped with my ideas and thoughts.

I would have never considered myself or my faith 'barbarian-like', but after reading this book I want to strive to reach nothing else. There are two types of Christians. Stale church Christians that get caught up in the routine of religion. Then there are Christ followers who have no other mission in life but to win the war we face. Christians go to church, follow the rules, and strive to be a better person. Christ followers want people to know who Christ is, what He has sacrificed for us, and base all of their actions on love. I LOVE love. But I get so caught up in doing the right thing as a Christian that I forget that I am desired to be something more than just a person who follows the rules and strives to do good.

Another idea that I loved from this book is the fact that as soon as you accept Jesus as Lord, realize we as humans are nothing alone, a change starts to take place in your heart. For me it was instant but the goodness faded away. But a change took place. A fire started that I turned my back on it when all I needed was to put a few more logs on to burn. Throughout the years I may not have been a follower of Christ but whenever someone said something about God, I heard them. Eventually it built up enough to change my heart, entirely. But how are non-Christ followers supposed to hear about God? Christians go to church and keep their religion to themselves. Barbarian Christ followers are needed to run around the town naked (imagery folks..) and catch the eyes of non-belivers. We need to be in places where there are non believers, not just the comfort of Christ followers. After we are there, its up to God to soften hearts.

There were so many other points that are still brewing in my mind, and I can guarantee (sp) in the next few days if I see you, I'd be glad to tell you my thoughts. This book as made me realize a lot about my life, and reading it while I was in the city of sin was probably the best thing I could do! (I will post on Vegas later) I highly recommend it, its a quick but powerful read!


My reason to smile: I have way to many. ;o)

Battle of the Sexes

I've never played the board game, though at times life between guys and girls is a game in itself. One of my professors gets heated about the subject of Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, because we are different but studies have shown we are more alike than anything. I've been thinking a lot about guys and girls and my relationships with the two.

I have always been friends with guys. Which is good and bad for different reasons. There's not that competitive aspect to a relationship with a man, they just don't care. You get dating blunt dating advice, and you don't have to dress up for them. The downfalls tend to be that everyone thinks I'm either flirting or a tom boy, and I always end up just being "one of the guys". You know, always a bridesmaid never a bride. Well lately, and don't get me wrong I LOVE my guy friends, but I've been doing the girl thing. Last night two of my girl friends and I sat at my house and just were able to talk about everything. (Mostly guys of course) But its been such a blessing to be able to connect with my girl friends.

I can't begin to tell you how excited I am for tomorrow. I leave for Vegas! 5 nights! With 10 of my college girl friends. No work. No school...ahhhhh I could just scream out loud. Now the last real vacation I took was about a year and a half ago. And I need this now more than ever! I have to say though I am a little nervous. Vegas is SIN CITY, the city that doesn't sleep, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas...you catch my drift? Now one major aspect that I am lacking which could be a good thing is money. I can't afford to get myself into too much trouble. Actually I see it as a great challenge. I mean 10 girls out on the town for 5 days! Who knows, maybe I'll find my husband and get hitched in a one-stop wedding shop. (Brittany Spears did it, why can't I?) Just keep your fingers crossed that I strike it rich on the penny slots, or that I find a million dollar chip. (I kinda wish I had money to play hold 'em....but I don't)I'll be back late Tuesday night.....so until then my friends. VEGAS or BUST! ;o)

My reason to smile: It was a beautiful sky this morning! AND we signed a lease for a house!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;o) (More about that on a later blog)

Crime and Society

At the beginning of the semester I was signed up for a Computer Data Class. I was not only the ONLY female in the room but my friend looked at me, laughed, and said "What are YOU doing in here" on the first day. So because Bradley University has a stupid rule that you have to have a certain amount of university hours to graduate, I decided to take a class called "Crime and Society". Yes, this is the class that I have only sat through the entirety a handfull of times. Thursday, I made it almost an hour before leaving!

I had every intention of actually staying the whole time, and the only reason I stayed that long was because the instructor was talking about something that I had a hard time dealing with. I even raised my hand and participated in class (in a lecture hall for that matter....50-75 people!!) The class consists of him talking in monotone for 1 hour and 15 minutes two times a week, a midterm and a final of 2 essays each. We were discussing the questions for the midterm on Thursday and I believe I am a COM major for a reason.

Dr Zantz (I think that's his name) was explaining that each essay we were to just explain how we understand the answer to be. In lamens terms, or what I understand it to be, its how society shapes our views. We know things because we've been taught and things happen because thats how they have always been. So I decided to ask if we'd be penalized for putting our views into the essay. I disagreed with the explanation of the world being this horrible JUST BECAUSE. After I clarified my disagreement with the teacher for religious reasons he preceded to tell me.. "Most of the times people are so scared to think outside of their own box because they don't want to see a subject from a different view. They are scared that they might like the view, risk their morals and change their opinion." Oh HECK NO! I was being told that I was scared to see things from a sociological perspective because I was so insecure in my faith that I was afraid I'd change my view. I decided to leave class after that.

So there is my justification for never going to this class... ;)


My reason to smile: I filled my tank with gas and it ONLY cost me $43.00!!!!!

A control freak turns uncontrollable

Okay, I admit it. I am a control freak. I never really realized it until yesterday. But now that the thought crossed my mind I am seeing all sorts of signs. For instance, I always drive. In the special occasion that I don't, I am a backseat driver. I get nervous when riding with others, and the person could actually be the safest driver out there, but if I'm not behind the wheel its rough. (I will say that the more I ride with someone the safer I feel.) CONTROL ISSUE #1.

As most of you may know I am a very take charge kind of girl. Things don't necessarily have to be done my way, but if they are I am most likely to be satisfied with the results. Wow I just reread that statement and considered deleting it due to the extremely selfish tone of it. But for the sake of the blog, I will leave it. (Just a disclaimer, I am really not that selfish. I took a test last night in class that placed me under the 'accomadating' and 'compromising' categories for conflict.) I like the feeling of being able to complete a task. CONTROL ISSUE #2.

I could keep going and probably wouldn't have to dig very far with all of my control issues, trust me there are way more than just two. But thats not the point...

Yesterday I felt helpless. I had no control. My mood affected everything I did. I blame it solely on my medicine, but the biggest struggle I had was not being able to change how I felt. The day started out beautifully. The weather was amazing, I had two out of 5 classes cancelled and there was really nothing bogging me down. I skipped half of my class so I could sit outside and study for my test...(don't judge me for attending 45 minutes total of the last 3 Crime and Society classes I've had) I was able to go for a walk with my mom during the day... My day should have been perfect. But as most of you are used to seeing me, I wasn't smiley and bubbly, I kept to myself and at certain points of the day just wanted to be alone. I prayed, listened to happy music, tried talking to friends but nothing I did helped. I analyzed everything and never came up positive.

I know that everything happens for a reason, and I have full faith that God is giving me the strength I need for my health...but I started to think yesterday that maybe this is my sign to give up control. I do hold on to certain things tightly and maybe its time to just give it all up. Hmmmmm....


Reason to smile: The David Crowder & Third Day concert is tomorrow!!!

The sum of it all

This past week has been really great, overall. Granted there have been a few bumps in my road but through a little help from others I've managed to cruise on.

So I'm pretty content in my life right now. I'm constantly learning more about God and in turn more about myself. I've been surrounded by great people who help my journey tremondously. (SP?) The past few weeks I've been tested in certain areas and in my opinion succeeded!

One thing I've struggled with...struggle sounds like such a bad word. I've thought about this a lot...much better, is marriage. At my age I find it beautiful but frustrating watching everyone around me getting engaged and married and starting a family. At times it felt as though my ball would never be pulled in the lottery of love. It was almost as if I was stressing to find 'the one' yet there were so many other areas of my life I wasn't okay in first. I've read the books, had the debates, and all in all these past few weeks I have realized I am okay being single. So does anyone besides me ever feel tested when everything is going great?

I was working at the hotel yesterday and there was a lot of guests that were around my age. I thought they were in town for a sporting event or something and when I asked I got a surprising answer. They were in town from Texas because a college buddy of theirs is getting married today. It was so exciting to watch them all day because everyone was giddy. The mother of the groom was setting up for the rehearsal dinner in our meeting room and it was a blessing to watch how excited she was. It made me want to get married. (In the future)

Then last night I was at Nexus, which by the way was so energizing! Worship was great and the talk was great. Charlie gave a few lists regarding dating. I have never agreed and felt more challenged regarding my dating situation. I know how I want to handle things when I find that person...and I can honestly say I am okay with waiting. This doesn't mean ideas don't run through my head ;o)

My reason to smile: Love.

Alive.

Thats the best word I can use to describe this feeling. It's like nothing can get me down. Even when I slept through my alarm and woke up 2 1/2 hours later (talk about rushing for class) my head was held high. Everything I needed to get accomplished for this week is done. My day lasted 12 hours, but in those 12 hours I've never felt so alive.

I got home and started to check my e-mail. I recieved one from a friend of mine. We have known each other since highschool and throughout the years both of us have grown closer to God. Its as if we both have seen where we've been and where we're going and have learned to appreciate God for it. In this e-mail was a story about a boy. He had to write an essay for a class describing Heaven. This essay was written two months prior to the boy being killed in a freak accident. It touched my heart and made me take a good look at my life. I am attaching it to this blog because I think everyone needs to read this. It made me feel even more alive...in a different way. It made me see things for how they are, even though I don't want them to be. Thanks Molly! I am truely blessed to call you a friend!!


Brian's Essay: The Room...

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room.
There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with
small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list
titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which
stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction,
had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to
catch my attention was one that read "Girls I have liked" I opened it and
began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that
I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I
knew exactly where I was.

This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my
life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a
detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled
with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and
exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a >sense
of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if
anyone was watching.

A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I have betrayed." The
titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird "Books I Have Read,"
Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed at." Some
were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've yelled at my brothers
" Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger", "Things I
Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised
by the contents.

Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I
hoped I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could
it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these
thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth.
Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked "TV Shows I have watched", I realized the
files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet
after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it,
shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew
that file represented.

When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through
my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size
and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content.

I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal
rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these
cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In insane
frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it
and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the
floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out
a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.

Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my
forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh.
And then I saw it.. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With."
The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled
on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my
hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt. They
started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I
cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file
shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this
room. I must lock it up and hide the key. But then as I pushed away the
tears, I saw Him.

No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as
He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His
response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw
a sorrow deeper than my own.

He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read
every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He
looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me
I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He
walked over and put His arm around me.. He could have said so many things.
But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of
the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over
mine on each card. "No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say
was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these
cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name
of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the
card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think
I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it
seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side.

He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished." I stood up,
and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door.. There were
still cards to be written.


My reason to smile today: Sweatpants, coffee, and dinner with a friend ;o)

Permadent.

Or should I say Perma-smile. The past few days have really been a blessing for me. I've needed them. I have felt so in-line with God and with that I feel organized (read previous post) and like I can accomplish anything.

Work was hard today and I had plans of hitting the books right when I got home. Well I sat on my bed and checked my ritual or websites, and I accidentally fell asleep, for 2 hours!! Tonight was our second Young Life club. On my way there I rolled down all the windows and turned up the music...it was BEAUTIFUL outside!!!! Club tonight...ahh talk about high energy and amazing. I love the people I lead with! We all have different talents to bring to the club and although it didn't run completely without bumps...I felt amazing afterward. The kids are great and we have a lot of new faces!! It makes me pumped for the weeks to come!! PERMA-SMILE.

After club I had every intention of coming home and doing my homework. Instead I wanted to go to full volume. Not only was the worship great, but I had the chance to hear my friend Jake talk for the first time! You know when you are on fire for God and you hear someone talk...could be your best friend, could be a complete stranger and you feel as though the message is directed towards you...well thats how I felt. The whole time he was giving the message I had this desire in my heart to revamp where my worship was headed. I love worship. It's one of my favorite things! But it's like there are smaller things that I worship in addition to God instead of just Him, because He in actuality IS the small things. Love is something I worship besides Jesus. But Jesus IS love. Instead of concentrating on the smaller aspect I need to give it all to the greater good. Perma-smile.

After Full Volume I had great conversation and I really felt blessed with all of my friendships. I love when we can dance around and be stupid and know that everyone is watching us and it doesn't matter. Thats how tonight was. (Granted in the back of my mind I had all the stuff I have to do by tomorrow but It didn't matter.) On my way back home we, Tara, Zach and myself turned up music, rolled the windows down and sang as loud as we could to worship songs while driving on the back country roads. God's sky was beautiful. Stars shining bright, cold breeze.....PERMA-SMILE.


Today's reason to smile: Because I can't stop. ;o)

Organized by faith

Today has been such a great day. Granted my long weekend is over and I feel a bit overwhelmed with my week to come...but I've never felt as energized as I do right now. I decided to try out this group called Confessions at Riverside Community Church tonight. I saw it to be Riverside's version of Nexus. The worship was amazing! If work doesn't end up scheduling me on Sunday nights anymore I will most likely go back! I met some really great people!

So I was thinking. (watch out) It seems as though whenever I feel in line with God..my life is organized. Today before Confessions I did laundry, picked up a little, and I feel as though I have a grasp on everything. I feel as though God has slowed time so I can accomplish things, and allowed me to feel amazing (healthwise).

Thats all for now. I have stuff to do and for once I don't want to procrastinate on my computer!! ;o)

My reason to smile today: Feeling in line with God! Trusting that in time my path will be revealed.

Tagged, who's next?!?!

I was tagged by Christopher "Cubs Rule, Cards drool" Evans


Three things that scare me:
spiders (view previous post), snakes, when people sneak up on me!

Three people who make me laugh:
Alyssa Yoder. Ryan Anderson. and my co-workers

Three things I hate:
arrogance, rape, and slow drivers.

Three things I am doing right now:
juggling, working, and praying

Three things I can do:
love, smile, and laugh

Three ways to describe my personality:
loving, outgoing, spontaneous

Three things I can't do:
sing, wake board, divorce

Three things I think you should listen to:
God, your friends, and music

Three things I want to do before I die:
get married, travel anywhere with my hubbie, and have babies

Three favorite foods:
yummm i love food...meatloaf (i know), chicken, and I agree with Chris on the sloppy joes!!

Three shows I watched as a kid:
Snick, Fraggle Rock, Full House


Three people I tag:
Ryan
Alyssa
Abbie

A new day

So after my amazing day yesterday, last night just wasn't right. The hardest part was going from having such an insightful day to wrestling with God. I felt bi-polar. I blame the drugs. (ONLY 2 MORE MONTHS!!) Questions were running through my mind that became more frustrating the more I realized I still have no answers for them. I went to bed..slept not so well...and woke up 4 1/2 hours later just to come to work.

I am so grateful that today is a new day. The sun was rising when I got to work (this sunrise picture was from a few weeks ago with my phone's camera)and after my morning cup of coffee I began reading my book. I have started "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell. I have seen a few of the Nooma videos, I just wanted to read the book. I suddenly felt at ease. It helped me understand that its okay to question/wrestle/doubt/ask God because in doing that I am owning my faith. It made me feel normal, not bipolar. I may not know all of the answers now, and some I may not EVER know. I just know I can't let myself get caught up in it.

Today has been a really eventful day at the Courtyard hotel. Joke. I have done nothing but try and learn how to juggle. No joke. I think I'm getting the hang of it! But they are having me use balls of tissue paper so they fly through the air a little easier..because the only other balls we have are golf balls and I think everyone is a little afraid. ;o) Lets hope by the end of the day I will be a pro juggler tossing torches into the air. Joke.

My weekend is consumed with recruitment. Let's just say I have never been as anxious to have a fast weekend! It has taken up all of my weekend time...and by that time I mean church/Nexus. I can NOT wait to go next weekend!!!! ;o) Okay enough blabble.....


My reason to smile today: It's TARA HARDY's 21st BIRTHDAY!!!!! Happy birthday soon-to-be roomie!!!

Just Breath.

I was walking from Baker Hall to Bradley hall this morning and couldn't help but notice how beautiful it was outside! I was sitting in my 12:00 class, and let me tell you how BORING it is. The only time I have paid any attention in that class was when the teacher was talking about something that coincided with the book I was reading to pass the time. (Rob Bell "Velvet Elvis") I sit next to the window, first mistake, and the teacher is always late, second mistake. I ended up convincing myself that at 12:30, almost half way into the class I was going to leave and spend time outside. Let me tell you how refreshing it was! I went on a walk, book bag and all. It was a great time to talk to God about where He wants me to be and what He wants me to do. Then I had the wonderful opportuity to catch up with a friend and just talk about our lives. I started thinking I experienced so much in this time where I would just be sitting there listening to a man talk about crime and society. As I was walking I thought to myself to take it in...and just breath.

My day kept getting better. I had a quiz, more a test..teachers use funny definations for things. So I was outside on the quad studying. Never in 4 years at Bradley University have I EVER studied outside on the quad. I was joined by another friend who's conversation was just as enjoyable. I felt so full. My face was smiling ear to ear.



My reason to smile today: Fall. The cool breeze, beautiful nights, sweaters, cuddling outdoors, pumpkin 'stuff'....ahhh ;o)

Grace like rain..

Amazing Grace. How sweet that sounds. This past weekend my friends and I have been talking about grace, especially God's grace. When I was on work crew and summer staff our camp director (it was the same amazing man each time) would tell us that every time it rained, God was washing away our sins. I have been thinking a lot about grace as well as other things, and ironically it rained this weekend.

The hardest part about being renewed in Christ, is when people have seen the 'before' half of you. Its like you are constantly under the microscope. And when you fall, you are so afraid they will rub it in your face and say 'HA, I KNEW IT'. I worry that when I make a mistake, people will think its a struggle. I worry I will burn all bridges to amazing things in my future. I worry so much about so much. On my journey I have come to appreciate God's forgiveness and forgetfulness. But if it's so easy for God to forgive us why is it so hard for me to forgive myself, or others to forgive me. My friend told me today, and I have never claimed this as true until today, the amazing thing about sin is the desparate desire you have for God afterward.

I never really thought much about grace, it was just sort of there. When I used to make mistakes I always got a feeling that no one will understand and I try to avoid the subject like the plague until people would forget about it, or long enough that they didn't even care to bring it up again. Now that I'm farther on in my walk I find it necessary to get things on the table so nothing gets bottled up inside. As I was needing grace from a few friends this weekend I started thinking about people that I haven't granted that to. Not outwardly known, but deep inside I was holding onto a few things that really didn't matter. I expected people to let things go for me when I hadn't done that for others. I have never felt so selfish. (I'm sure I have but not in a long time!!)

I can honestly say that I don't think I'd be anywhere near where I am today if people didn't have grace towards me. I now will strive to give it to others.

Today's reason to smile: (I have two) Knowing that although we may let people down in our lives, by grace alone we still have our number one fan cheering us on!! and Young Life starts tomorrow!!!! ;o)

Arachnophobia.

I saw the movie when I was 6 and have been afraid of spiders ever since. The past two years I have lived in a bedroom in a basement so my interaction with 8-legged creatures have increased. I have gotten better because there have been times when I have to kill them myself. Last night as I was showering from a long day of recruitment (I'll talk about that in a bit) I was standing under the running water with facewash on and I opened my eyes to a SPIDER HANGING FROM THE CEILING ON HIS WEB!!!! EYE LEVEL!!!!!! Of course I did the most girly thing without even thinking and I screamed bloody murder-over and over with a little shrieking. I was trying to push myself as far away from this nasty thing but in a small little shower (no bath tub) there wasn't much room. I was knocking things off of the shelf and I felt like spiderman as I was proped in the corner. My mom came running down due to my continuous yelling and I had absolutely no problem inviting her into the bathroom to kill this thing. She of course was like "Oh look its making a web" and I wasn't concerned with that at all!! He was in my shower sneakin a peak! What makes you realize how badly I was feeling, I moved the shower curtain and at this point I was half screaming and half laughing because I was so nervous...I did not care if my mom saw me naked (she didn't look I think) Now I have not allowed that since I was in pampers!! I was desparate. Luckily Cathy came to the rescue and allowed me to enjoy the rest of my shower. (A little embarrassed)

Yesterday was the first day of recruitment! It was awesome. We are supposed to have 10 girls total....well I had 6 not show up. Which left me with 4. I was bummed out even though there is a possibility they'd come today....but then I got to know my girls. With the smaller group we had plenty of time to talk and just hang out. I loved it! The other groups have full numbers and haven't really gotten too personal. I feel as though this is such a great opportunity to witness and I am excited that I have four amazing girls!!!

A great reason to smile: I got 12 hours of sleep last night!! But also knowing God puts us in places where we can be used as influences to others because He loves us so much and believes we can do a great job for the Kingdom!

A dunk in the water with a heart on fire..

Ever since August I have had something weighing on my heart. I feel as though I should get baptized. But here's the deal:

My parents had me baptized when I was a baby. I don't remember it, and I obviously didn't know what it meant. I've asked other people their thoughts and I have recieved different answers. Is once enough? I can understand adults getting baptised if they had never been, but I'm struggling with where I am in my life. I have been baptised, I strayed from God until my Junior year of highschool, recommited my life to God and actually understood what it meant to be a Christian, strayed and now my heart is on fire for God. Throughout the years I have been a Young Life leader showing highschool kids the love of Christ. If I were going to be baptized a second time shouldn't I have done it before I started to influence kids lives? I have already been 'cleansed' of my sins, what good would it do? But even as I was pulling up to church this morning the feeling came back that I should do it. I want it to be more than just a 'show'. I would love opinions on this topic!!!

Last night I had the opportunity to get to know two amazing people on a deeper level. On my way home I got a call from one of them, my friend Autumn. She and I have so much in common and because of our work schedules, we never really knew it until last night. We were talking about how easy it was to let our focus stray from God. The second something new comes along its as if God takes a backseat. I prayed about it when I was going to bed and today I have never felt so on fire for God. Its as if I am constantly growing and I honestly feel I know what it feels like now to be in love. I can't get enough. It's like I've been in constant conversation with Him all day, and I feel so content with His will.


I have come up with a better idea than to end my blogs with the usual "POG". I am now going to do reasons to smile. Today's is for my single friends:

Today's reason to smile: Knowing that God has a perfect person in mind for us. And the love will be unconditional just like His. :o)

Consecrated.

I will be honest, until this past week I never knew what this word meant. It was always one of those 'churchy' words I never cared to learn. But the past two sermons at Northwoods have not only showed me, but inspired me. Consecrate...sounds like such a dirty word.

When I first became a Christian I lived my life for myself. As I had mentioned before I never felt conviction so I kept doing it. But the further I grew in my faith, the more I understood. I started to live for Him and not myself, or at least I thought I was. This past week I have been thinking a lot about my faith. Certain opportunities have risen and I feel as though I can let go a lot. I have always been afraid of living my Christianity out loud. I cared too much what my friends and my family would think of me. This past week I have been able to let that go.

I got a phone call on Wednesday from my YL area director Scott. We set up a lunch appointment to discuss full time Young Life staff. I couldn't stop smiling. All my thoughts and plans for my future seemed to disappear and I could only think of this. Wednesday night Cal talked about living for God and fully submitting ourselves to Him, what perfect timing. During my lunch we talked about the opportunities of full time staff and then came the kicker....after my interview the region could place me whereever they saw a need for me. Indiana, Wisconsin, Iowa, or Illinois. All of a sudden I started to feel nervous, almost as if I was saying "Okay God I'm willing to do your will as long as you place me in Peoria." What confuses me the most is the fact I was so set on California and as soon as I thought I'd be working in Peoria for full-time YL then it dissappeared...but then once I heard it could be elsewhere I got nervous again. In the same sense it's kind of like me saying, "God I want a Christian boyfriend/husband" but then adding in, "as long as he can fit in with my family." What am I thinking.

My goal for this week is to put myself aside in everything I do. Relationships, transitions, and whatever else may come my way. Oh and PS: A prayer request I would have would be a staff position open up around the area....I don't know if I am ready to leave quite yet!


POG to you, and may you be consecrated too. :o)

Moody Monday

So this blog has been a work in progress since Monday. (Which for me wasn't the best day...) Work was going well and all of a sudden I got sick. I don't know why, but food wouldn't stay down, and my head was spinning. My brother sent me home to rest but I knew I had my 4th treatment appointment...which luckily I could move up. With everything I had planned there was no way I could pencil in time to get sick!! A little old lady told me that day, "Getting sick is God's way of telling us to slow down."

I was thinking about what this little land-lady (or landlord woman) said to me and she was completely right. I have been constantly on the go! My focus on God has started to go elsewhere and I don't like it. On Monday night I went to worship at full volume. First and foremost worship is my favorite part of any service. It's a time to open your heart and pray through song. But then Charlie Dean gave a talk comparing our lives to old Oak tress. Of course I don't feel hollow on the inside but I feel as though when things aren't lined up with God's plan that there becomes a weakness in your middle. And that opens a door to every other thing to go wrong.

There are two particular weaknesses I have been struggling with lately. 1. I love to get to know people. Not just on a superficial level, but deep questions. I am blunt and ask things that other people may not. I feel as though you can tell so much about a person by their answers to the questions. But the negative part of this is people tend to take it the wrong way. It's my weakness because I get so excited to know people that I don't let time take its course. I need to be patient with God's will in my life.

Second weakness is that I am horrible at calling people back. I can think of at least 3 calls that need to be made, and of course I think of these while I'm at work. By the time I'm off my mind is elsewhere and I forget YET AGAIN. And these aren't calls that will take just a few minutes each..I'd like to talk and actually catch up. So to anyone that I have forgotten to call back, I'm sorry. I am going to try and complete all the calls this afternoon. I promise!! ;o) My goal is to get better with my correspondence.

45 minutes left of work!! YEA!!!

POG.

Work-a-holic

So my life pretty much consists of eat, sleep, school, and work. Lets just give my day for an example. I woke up at 6:15 and was at work by 7am. Got off from the hotel at 3:00 (in which I had two great visitors!!!!!!) and was showered and at Kellehers by 4:30. As luck has it I ended up staying until 2:00am. So thats roughly 18+ hours in one day. (I'm not looking for sympathy....I'm actually giving thanks)

I wanted to say thank you to all of my amazing friends who came in to see me tonight at work. I don't think I would have made it through the night without you. With your presense time seemed to fly by. So thank you Alyssa, Brandon, Ryan, Abbie, Dan, Jake, Abel, Matt, Jessica (i hope thats her name!!), Bethany, and Chris. You all were gifts from God tonight and I love you!!!!!

18 1/2 hours and I"m pooped. Good night ya'll!!

Oh back to school..

When I wrote that title I had the song from Billy Madison ringing in my head. I have read quite a few blogs regarding the beginning of the semester so I thought I would write one of my own. It seems as though my schedule is the same as a few of my friends, although I doubt I'll see them much this year.

I don't know if I posted this before, but my job at the hotel is going to count as an internship. And as Alyssa knows from her visit today, its as easy as pie. So I get 3 credit hours at Bradley for facebooking, myspacing, eating, and blogging. Thanks Bradley University! I do have to do some work here and there, but its customer service oriented and I love it.

The rest of my courses are on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I walked into my first class yesterday and found myself baffled. I need university hours so I just signed up for any 100 level course to get me through. Well this course was called "Computer Programming". I should have known it wasn't for me when I walked in and my friend looked at me awkwardly and said, "What are YOU doing in here?" The teacher started talking about O's and 1's and binary digits and the use of Java...I thought it was great we would be provided with coffee during class... ;o) I was going to stick it out and try the lab which was later on in the day but I ran into a friend of mine who convinced me to drop the course. I went and talked to his mom and got hooked up with "Crime and Society" instead. Everyone in the registrar's office told me if I was a good 'BS'er then I'd be great in this class. Other than that minor issue I think my schedule will be nice and boring, which I agree with the people who say that Senior year is full of boring classes.

With each new year comes great anticipation. I love the first few weeks of class because I always feel so organized. I get in this mindset that THIS is going to be the semester where I put forth 110% and never get behind. I can't wait to see what great things unfold for me this semester.

Hmmmmmm so now that my blog is done, what shall I do for the 3 hours and 15 minutes I have left of work???

POG to you.

Inspiration

Lately I've been thinking about the people in my life and how they inspire me. My friends probably think they do nothing of the sort, but from their everyday life, I learn.

On my drive home tonight from an eventful evening, I thought about my inspirations. I was on my way home from the Sletten's house and they are two people who are most influencial on my life. Not only do I value their opinions, suggestions, but I love them like my family. (Especially that cute little baby of theirs!) I pray that one day my husband can be like Kevin, and I can be as great of a mom as Summer.

Then there are my Christian friends. I feel as though there are a few that I can really dive in deep conversations with, and talk about my struggles. They know me, my strengths, my frustrations and can even talk about personal things with (Alyssa you should know what I'm talking about.) I just think that my friends lift me up and hold me to a higher standard and it makes me work hard. I love that. I have to be on my toes and maintain my spiritual journey.

Relationships are something that I think are so important and can really shape a person. I was thinking of past and possible future relationships and I think I have realized something I can not be without. My past relationships have always been self-centered and not God-centered no matter how much I tried or pretended. Obviously they have never worked out. I know that in my next relationship I want to be tested and pushed to keep strong on my path. Just thinking about having someone who makes me want to be a better person brightens my day. I have faith, stronger than I have had before.

Ahhhh I love life. ;o)

Loungin in the POG

My grab bag.

Today for some reason I have had many things to think about. A few, I think, are blog worthy. Because I have the time (work is kinda slow tonight) and to minimize blog numbers, I am giving them all to you here...in my grab bag.

First off I have been so blessed the past few days. I feel as if God has cleared a lot of garbage from my head and heart and now I can focus on the important things.

This past week has really been a challenge for me health-wise. For the first time since the time of my surgery I had to take my pain medicine. I HATE that! It does weird things to my system for days. I get my 4th treatment next week (2 to go!) and I can't wait for it to be overwith! My schedule has not left a lot of room for rest and relaxation, or much of a social life. I think once I catch up on my sleep I'll start to feel better, but with school starting Wednesday I don't know if thats possible.

Unfortunately the car trade-in didn't work out. Not only do I not want my truck, the dealers don't want it either. I'm still looking, and having high hopes. If anyone knows any dealers or friends that want a 2002 Ford Explorer for $12,000...LET ME KNOW!! One of the guests at the hotel (he is here for months at a time) told me to put an ad on an Indian website. Supposedly people coming into the states from India who are looking for things immediately go to that website? It's free so what the heck.

As some of you know I am a recruitment counselor this fall. What I do: disaffiliate from my sorority until rush is over with, go to the welcome events for new students and get girls to sign up for recruitment. I also will be taking a group of girls around to each house during rush and when the whole process is over I get to re-affiliate with my sorority! But what is also a part of this whole 'recruitment counselor' thing is to make sure affiliated sorority girls or fraternity guys aren't persuading the girls to a specific house. This entails a 'party patrol'. Groups of us go around to the fraternity houses and 'party'. Last night was my first night going around and honestly it brought back flashes of my freshman year. Things were so new, guys loved us and gave us free beer as long as we came to their houses. Girls getting hopped up and making some bad decisions because their parents just left hours before. Freedom. It broke my heart to watch them...keep following me on this...

About a year ago I sat in the kitchen of a couple that have served as my mentors (for a lack of a better word). They cooked me dinner and we discussed my struggle with the fact that I didn't get conviction. I lived a double life and didn't feel bad about it. I wasn't sure if I should do leadership anymore. Well by God's amazing grace I was eventually slapped into reality and with a long story have grown closer to Him then I have ever been before. Along with being serious about my Christian walk came conviction. Last night and today I have felt conviction. I wasn't drunk, but with my presense I was supporting everything I have been trying to get rid of in my life. (Does that even make sense?) Let me clarify. I don't want people to think I judge them because I don't want to get drunk and they do...I guess I am feeling convicted watching these girls start down the same path I did.

One last thing...lately a lot of my friends and family members have been experiencing great life changes. Marriages, cross country moves, babies, big financial purchases and I honestly am excited for the day when I can go through this stuff too! I'm no longer looking for things to make me happy now, I am rest-assured in the future! ;o)

Pog.

Red Flags

Last night a few of my girl friends and I were talking about relationships. We had grown up being taught to watch for red flags. And how it seemed so common that no matter if we saw red flags, we held on tightly to the idea...or hope I should say that one day the person will change. I never will understand why it is so hard to let go of someone when you know there are things you don't want in a future. After thinking long and hard last night and a majority of today I know that red flags are there for a reason. I feel as though people can change, but most of the time it happens in the exact opposite way you'd hope. I've learned that in order to completely move on you have to just let go.

Soooo on a different topic, about a year ago I bought a new car. *I should have seen the red flags when the price of gas went up immediately* I traded in a '94 Honda Accord for a '02 Ford Explorer XLT (fully loaded) v8. Needless to say I am poor. Still am poor. And bust my butt to make my car payments and afford an average of $65.00 A WEEK in gas. So I was tired of 'holding on' to my baby and went to the dealership today. I test drove a '03 Honda Accord, black, black leather interior, sunroof, 2 door blah blah blah. I won't find out until tomorrow how much I will get for my Explorer, but I would LOVE a prayer request. The sooner I get this trade in, I'm hoping the sooner I can actually breath financially. I haven't seen any red flags on this Honda...So if you have time I'd love a shout up to God.

I hope that any one of you who have seen the red flags can have faith in God's plan and let go too. My favorite bible verse, (that I carry everywhere on me)

"Trust in the Lord with all your might, and lean not on your own understanding, in ALL your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your path straight." -Prov 3:5-6


POG to you!

My disconnect.

First and foremost I'd like to shout out to Alyssa Yoder and tell her how excited I am to have her back! She's been in NY all summer and as of this afternoon she is back and ready for action. For those of you who don't know Alyssa she has the best personality and truely has a Christian heart. I love you girl and I can't explain how glad I am to have you back!

Secondly, I'd like to tell you that today I was at work, go figure, and I get a call from my mom. She proceded to tell me that one of the dressers I use is going to be a part of my nephews new bedroom set. Well thats all fine and dandy except for the small fact that I already have clothes that don't fit in the dressers and are still in boxes. I get home from work today and my clothes are in a pile on the floor. ;o( I know its going to a good cause, he's really cute...but it's like all of a sudden I don't need that dresser anymore? No one even said anything to me....talk about frustrating. It wasn't my dresser set, I know I was borrowing..but still. That was my vent for the day.

Now for the meat and potatoes of my disconnect. Lately I've been feeling really not into what I do. If that makes sense. I go to work, I eat, I sleep, and do the same thing over again. I hardly feel the desire to be around people. I've been frustrated with God on things that haven't happened, or that have happened. I feel as though my prayers are so repetative, I haven't had the desire to finish my book (yea the one I've been reading for months), I just have felt disconnected. I was riding home from work and put on the Christian station..and then it hit. "About You" by Zoe Girl came on and I realized that everything I was upset about, or concentrating on was about me. I have had totally the wrong focus, and its no wonder everything has been so crappy!!! I definately have something to work on this week to strive to get back!

This upcoming week is going to be the death of me!!! (EXTREMELY BUSY!!!!)


Peace of God to you (POG) Thats for you Chris and Bethany!!! PS: The picture was what came up when I Yahoo'd the word "disconnected"?!? Kinda creepy!

Unanswered Prayers

"Sometimes I thank god for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of god's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers"
-Garth Brooks

I find that one of the things I question the most in my relationship with God is why do my prayers go unanswered. I pray for answers, for feelings to go away, or just to make common sense out of anything...and I find myself still waiting. Today I feel as though life makes a little more sense, either that or I'm just telling myself it does to move myself along.

The song "Unanswered Prayers" talks about a guy who is with his wife and they run into his ex. When they were younger he felt as though the couple would have been perfect together forever, he even prayed to God to make it happen. But afterward he realized if God would have put them together then he wouldn't have met his beautiful wife, and then realized God's greatest gifts, are unanswered prayers.

I am friends with all of my ex's. I don't see a point in avoiding someone just because they were a part of your life. Some I see are extremely happy in where they are and it makes me happy. What bothers me the most is when I see people who are too good for the situation they put themselves in. Maybe I have high expectations for relationships, or maybe just optomistic in when I find 'the one' it won't be a work in progress. It makes me sad to think that the people who once were happy now have to concentrate on having a good day. I'd rather be happy and alone, then in a relationship struggling. I guess I have to thank God for my unanswered prayers.

I have been in such a great mood lately!!! I LOVE IT!!!

POG to you!!

After every storm..

COMES A RAINBOW!!!!!!!!!! So this past week I have had a week from hell. Everything that could have gone wrong, went wrong. I didn't want to be around anyone, it was like a permanent 'funk'. Nothing in my life seemed to make sense. I was frustrated and questioning God and praying for answers.

But today I have felt amazing. I had the chance to sleep in, and even though I woke up early, I laid down for a bit and it felt like time went so slowly (which in any tired person's case thats amazing!!) and then I ran some errands and went to work. The job tonight when by super fast and I just felt at peace with everything. I came home and cleaned....with a little help. After dying on Round 8 of old school Nintendo I decided to Blog. God has been sooo good to me today and I totally feel Him!! California has been on my mind a few times today and I feel as though this is something I could acutally do. One thing I question..

Lately I've been getting consistant thoughts and or feelings about somethings...is it God or is it me? I know it could just be my wishful thinking, or imagination, but I am confused how to tell the difference. Any help?

I'm off to bed...but I definately am POG'd right now and I hope you are too!!!!

I am a country girl..

Well not technically..I'm a city girl at heart with a little country in me..but I'm talking about music. I have a few friends that absolutely DESPISE the sound of country music. I was at work tonight listening to the radio and I realized that I truely love country music. I beg to differ with everyone who says country is all about getting drunk, breaking up and man's best friends.

In the span of my radio experience tonight I felt as though there were songs with lyrics that related to almost every aspect of my life. I was going through hell last week but as the song says, "just keep on going you might get out without the devil knowing you're there." Another song with lyrics declaring, "God gave us mountains so we learn how to climb."

The thing I love about country music now from what it was in the olden days (sorry if I offended anyone) is that it is easier to sing along to. It also serves as a great source of subliminal (spelling check ben?) lyrics. ;o) I must admit I am a music lover of all genre's....but country ranks in my top preferences.


POG to ya'll (my country twang)

Champaign tastes on a beer budget..

Ever since I was younger my mom had always told me thats what I had. It's ringing true now a days. It seems like I work all the time but I can never get ahead. I bust my butt to work, exhaust myself to death only to get a paycheck that doesn't even dent my bills. ITS SOOOO FRUSTRATING!!

I have been praying about my finances for quite some time now. I don't ever seem to get a sigh of relief. I have tried coming up with spending plans, its just that sometimes I don't quite make it to the bank so I have money in my wallet and I spend it!! I have tried a $20.00 a week budget. HA! I need to make a budjet up and stick to it! But its hard because whenever I'm out with people I will do crazy things like buy them dinner or a drink or anything just to be nice. I figure God will provide, right? Then it comes to the end of the two weeks and I'm STARVING for my paycheck. I want to sell my truck and buy a car, I think that'll help also!!!

If anyone has any get rich quick tips or has time to shout a prayer up for some budjeting knowledge, I'd be greatful!!!

POG to you!!

California Dreaming

The past few days I've been thinking a lot about where I am. Peoria, DUH! But I feel as though I could use a change of scenery. While I've been in my thinking trances I feel as though I should get outta this town. All signs have been pointing to sunny old California. Think of it this way...

I am a beach and sunny weather girl, California is FULL of beaches and fairly warm temperatures!! I plan on doing hair for a living. How many salons do you think are on one street corner in Cali? How cool would that be? So until I'm done with school I'm thinking I'll be California dreaming...

OH!! And how cool is it that some guest who was staying at the hotel happened to say to me, "Hey if you ever make it to California sometime and need anything call me," and he gave me his business card. Little did he know that I was actually thinking about going there....it was really kinda creepy!!!


POG to you!

goodbye Sarah Fabulous

The past two days have been really hard. On Sunday morning there was a freak accident and my friend Sarah died at the age of 22. Her last name really isn't fabulous, but if you had ever met her, you would have no doubt in your heart that she truely was, 'fabulous'. I met her my freshman year of college. We rushed the same sorority. Now a lot of people who don't understand the whole sorority/fraternity thing don't realize how much it bonds you together. You go through so much with each other and it builds relationships for life. Every one who knew her has had some great story to tell, whether it was her love for Brittany Spears, the color pink, or her drunken tendancies. But the reality of it all hasn't set in.

I try to pride myself on being strong in faith. I know God has a plan and I have submitted myself to his will. But the past few days I have had such a heavy, doubting heart. Why would God take Sarah right before she was going to start her life? She had so much going for her and had so many plans for her future. (Probably the only girl I knew who was serious about her goals of being a trophy wife.) I know that any man who was lucky enough to snag her would realize the beautiful trophy that Sarah was! It makes me so angry because I feel as though she was robbed of her glory. I've been in a constant battle with God to try to understand. Nothing anyone has said to me has made me feel better. I still want to know WHY!

Whenever I worry about my future people think I'm crazy. "You are so young" they say, this goes to show you can never be certain you'll live till 100. What I don't understand is why does God put desires in our hearts for future and then take us Home? What if I have these desires for something so much more and never get to fulfill them? Yeah you are saying, "God has a plan for your life" but then why do bad things happen to amazing people? Sarah has touched so many people's hearts but she had just begun! Her life was about to start. It scares me to death that any day my life could be over. The people I love will never know how much I love them. I may never be a wife or a parent. I don't think I am okay with that. I know its not my choice and there is nothing I can do to guarentee it, but its still something I am struggling with. In the past 9 months I have been working with God on my patience. I felt confident in knowing when He was ready I would get the person I was meant to be with. I have been doing fairly well with patience in God's plan lately but now this makes me question everything. I hate that!

Since I have become a Christian I have only dealt with two deaths that really touch home. My grandfather, who died of cancer in June, and Sarah. I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with them correctly. My thoughts have been consumed and my heart has been heavy. With Gramps I knew he was in a better place and it was his time because God took him home and took away the pain. I don't have that peace about Sarah's death. I know she's in Heaven, but the why question isn't answered. I hope one day it will be.

Sarah I love you. I thank God for giving me the wonderful opportunity to get to know you over the last 3 years. I am glad I can call you not only a friend, but a sister. You will forever be in my heart.


POG.

I could use a little slow down..

It has come to my attention that tonight (Sunday) is the first night where I have stayed home since I moved in (May 25th). Crazy thought, huh? Whether its work or hanging out with friends I have always had something going on.
My schedule has been pretty hectic the past few weeks, and any chance I get I want to be outside. Well....the sun took a toll on me today. I went to Splashdown today since it has been the first nice day off I've had in a while, and as soon as I got home I crashed. I showered and went back to laying in my bed. I miss being able to just stay home at night and pop in a movie.

I had the opportunity to look at my life, the people in my life and it's like I feel rejunivated. I know what I need to do now. I could have used this night a long time ago!!!

POG to you!

Growing Pains part deux

Everyone needs a little humility in their life, right? Here's the 'awkward stage' picture I wanted to post in my Growing Pains blog 8th grade baby, gotta love it. The second picture was taken my freshman year of highschool.

My plate.

Growing up I used to love buffetts. You could go up as much as you want and eat whatever you choose. The best part about this is that everytime you go up to the buffett, you get a new plate and a waitress takes the old one away. I wish I could get a new plate in my life right now. I feel as though my life keeps adding stuff ontop and I don't know where anymore will fit.

I got my third treatment today. I have noticed a pattern that the day of the shot, I get extremely sleepy! (Maybe it's just because I get them in the morning...but who knows.) 3 down, 3 to go!!

The past few days have been especially hard. I'm not exactly sure where I'm supposed to be in my life and as soon as I feel confident in my direction, I seem to lose my footing and fall. One of my biggest struggles is minding my own business. I have a hard time letting things happen without saying a word, especially concerning people I care about. I turn everything over to God and have faith, but its so frustrating seeing no results. I want so badly to make everything okay, but I can't.

Tonight at work was possibly the worst night I have ever had..no joke. For starters the girl who was supposed to come in at 5 NEVER SHOWED UP. We have been extremely busy due to the girls softball world series, tonight we were sold out as well. So not only did we have 100or so teenagers running all over the place, that was just the beginning. The phones were ringing off the hook, people were checking-in in groups, there were no clean towels, girls running and screaming all over the place, people needing directions, remotes not working, people needing more blankets (ITS JULY!), people wanting towels, garbage all over the place, people making ridiculous requests, a fight breaking out between teams......and I was ALL ALONE! The night was packed full of problems and it crawled by.

So my friend Ryan had a gift from God. An answered financial prayer. It's so great to know that he has that burden off of his shoulders. My question to God is WHEN DO I GET THAT BREAK! I bust my butt working, just like a lot of other people, and I can never seem to get ahead financially. Talk about frustrating! It's now 1:30. I have finished an 8 hour shift, I go back to the hotel at 7 to work until 3. My regular shift at Kellehers starts at 5 and I could be staying there until 2am. Thats not it folks I am back at the hotel at 7am on Saturday to work until 3. You think with all this work my mind wouldn't be so clustered...I WISH. ARG it's going to be a rough one!


POG to you...hopefully one day I'll get it back too. (whenever someone stops at my table to pick up my plate)

To love or not to love

I was thinking about this a while back..but decided to blog about it now. My tastes, preferences, likes and dislikes have changed so much in the past year...
(in no order)
I now love: to love, music, being outside (beach is my #1), God, Young Life, my YL girls, kissing, to cuddle, my family, my friends, good hugs, motorcycles, laughing, playing tennis, vegatables, cheese, BABIES!!, reading, tattoos, watching movies, sleeping, getting my hair done, the smell of clean sheets/clothes, days off of work, having good conversation, Castaway, sunsets (especially at Castaway), shopping, concerts, having money, cooking, spending money on others, playing games, driving, vacations, thunderstorms...

The list of things I do not love involve a lot of my personal traits. (With an exception of spiders) Isn't it so easy to be your own worst critic? I analyze myself and could give you a list of hundreds of negative things that cross my mind. Sometimes I wish it was just as easy now as it was before the Fall. These things are more evident (spelling) to me now then ever!! I just hope I can work on accepting them in addition to changing them.

So on a different note I was reading GLAMOUR magazine at work tonight and I read part of an article regarding 12 men and what they are really thinking. One struck me and I wanted to share it with you all. Coming from professional surfer and father, Laird Hamilton, he wishes all women would have learned these three things growing up.
"1. Your love is precious, don't give it to someone undeserving.
2. You can't rescue a man, he has to be happy on his own before you can be happy together.
3. You are not Cinderella so don't think you need a man to rescue you."

I thought that was really energizing and uplifting. (It's from a chick magazine, guys just let it ride.)

POG to you!

Growing pains..

Great show but horrible truth. The past few weeks I have been thinking about my life. I don't know if it's this way for anyone else, but growing up has definately had its pains. Besides the awkward growing up stage (I attempted to put a picture of me in my awkward stage but it isn't on my computer anymore..maybe some other post) I think this stage I'm at now could be what kills me or makes me grow.

See I am at the second awkward stage in life. Not the braces, bad hair, and drama..but the important life decisions and the "do I party like a rockstar or want to settle down" type of debate. I have been forced to grow up at a very young age, and because of that I am who I am today. I have had a consistant job since I was fourteen and have stayed pretty much financially independant since. (My parents help with the big stuff like school and doctor bills...thank goodness!) But while all of my friends were out having fun, I was stuck working. I see it now because I know the value of a dollar and I hardly take things for granted. Starting in highschool I hung out with an older crowd, and still do. My friends and I found we had a lot in common with the older people and we just kind of clicked.

Thats all well and good except at my age, the older crowd is seriously dating or married. So when I hang out with my older friends I feel as though I should be doing that same thing. But when I hang out with the people my age or my young life kids I find myself not thinking about that type of thing. The hard part about it is when I mention something to people my age about moving on in life and settling down I get the same response, "Your SOOOO young". So I guess my question is when is it ever a right time? How OLD do you have to be to move on?

That was just the question on my mind today...I'm off to work my last leg of a triple, only 9 hours of work left (plus a little sleep) until I go to Chicago for the weekend!!!


POG to you!!!

My Hambone.

After a long day of work...I needed a smile. This is my nephew Alex. He is 2 and will be 3 in August. He's such a goofball. Hope this makes you all smile.

Pickin my brain.. (aka bored at work)

I feel like it has been awhile since I blogged, everytime I have the opportunity I am just too darn tired from work. I have been working for 5 straight days but I'm pumped that I have two days off!!! Here is a little update:

I'm still feeling great. God has definately been working in my heart. Something I have noticed is when I am good with God, I actually am good with other people. I find myself praying for the people who cut me off, not getting lippy with customers who think that they are better than me, and just having a glow about me. Lets hope this continues through next week when I get my 3rd treatment.

On Saturday night I was able to have dinner with a good friend of mine, and it was something I desparately needed. She and I talked a lot about the things we struggle with, and talking about it actually made me realize other things as well. Love is something I have been struggling with lately. The past few days I have been okay with where I am in my life but there seems to be something missing. I am the type of person who loves to love. I am working on my patience and ability to love everyone (including those I normally wouldn't.) But within the past few months I have acquired this desire to unconditionally love someone. It's weird because that typically isn't my path. My goal is to continue this desire all while being patient for God's plan to reveal itself. When he's ready, I'll be ready.

So my girlfriends (I think guys will be added this week) and I have started a weekly event called "Martini Monday". We go down to Martini's on the riverfront and sit and enjoy the acoustic music. I am looking forward to it!

Only one more hour and then I'm off of work for two days!!! POG to ya'll!

Guess who's back..back again..

It's 2:00am. I got off of an 7 1/2 hour shift at Kellehers, and I have to work at the hotel in 5 hours. I can't sleep. I have had such a great day and I need to blog about it. You all might read this and think I won the lottery today..nope..I've just finally felt like my old self again.

The past 8 months have been really rough on me. Medicines and surgery have rocked my world and turned me into a monster. Today, and I don't know what it was that did it, but I have had a glimpse of my old life. Lately I've been getting in funks. I realize that I am in them, but nothing I do can get me out of them. So I sleep through them. (One day I slept until 4pm.) I am positive its the hormones, and stupid people! ;o)

I have passed today with flying colors. I went over to visit Summer and the baby and had a great conversation with her about love. Not just human love, but actually feeling God's love. I am really good at loving others, but not so good at recieving other's love. I hadn't felt God's love in a long time and it wasn't until my drive home it hit. I felt it again! I went to work and it was amazing. Certain situations I didn't think I'd be okay in I was! (just one example: a customer left me $1.00 on a $34.00 tab, I figured he needed it more than I did)

I hope this never leaves me again!! (I'm kinda scared to go to sleep!! haha) POG TO YOU!!

James is the MAN!

So only my campaigner girls will understand the title of this blog. We recently read through the book of James and let me tell you what perfect timing. Lately I've been struggling with feeling some not-so-Christian things. There were a few points in the book that really got me thinking.

James 1:2-3
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."

Now I don't know about you, but when I go through trials I am NOT joyed. I am pretty preturbed that its YET another thing I have to go through. But what I have realized in the past few weeks is lately when I am tried I turn to God and I know I have grown because of it. Granted, I still get frustrated but I'm working on it!

James 1:19-20
"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires."

Oh come on folks, if anyone knows me they will know that this is something I do not do. (Especially while driving, I'm road rages #1 client) But lately I've hated that about myself. Why can't I just let things roll off my chest like other people. Through my life I've gotten really good at dealing with things if I am given them to deal with. But if thats not the case I can't even explain what happens inside of me. Another thing to add to the "TO DO" list.

Along those same lines.. Someone can be built up as easily as being torn down.
James 3: 5
"Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body that makes great boasts."

James 4: 7-10
"Submit yourselves, then, to God. resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn, and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up."

James 5:20
"Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins."

That should be inspiration to anyone who is a Christian.


I'm done. That is why James is the Man!! POG to ya'll!

Turn the Page..

I'm not talking about the wonderful classic by Bob Seger, this has been my life for the past few weeks. I have not only been diving in deep to a few books. I was cleaning and rearranging all the boxes full of stuff since I moved into my mother's house a few days ago and I found my first Christian book I read. "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers.

The novel is based on the bible book of Hosea. Of course "Redeeming Love" has more of a fabricated love story, but it really made me think of my loves. In the book God tells this man named Michael Hosea to fall in love with a prostitute. He finds her and pays all the money to just talk to her and tells Angel (the women) that God told him to marry her. Of course she's hesitant to give up her lifestyle because she's comfortable where she is now. Angel is using prostituton because that was how she was raised and she doesn't think a man could really ever love her with REAL love. After living with Michael for a bit she feels very guilty as if she doesn't deserve to feel this way so she runs back to prostitution. God still is telling Michael he needs to be with this women and frustrated he goes back to the city to find Angel and bring her home. This happens a few times and each time they spend on the farm together the closer they grow. A love grows and the final time that Michael goes to fetch Angel he catches her in the act. Imagine watching the women you love be with someone else. Granted, this novel was turned 'trashy' to entice the reader but I think it shows us a lot that we should learn about love.

If we had that compassion that Michael Hosea had our world would definately be a better place. Our friends, family, significant others may do things that we may not necessarily agree with but if we have compassion to care for them regardless then I think everyone would be a LOT happier! Thats one thing I am trying to work on in my life. Opening my heart and having the initial grace to others that God has given me.

I hope everyone has the POG tonight!

A Storybook Ending....

Tonight before Nexus I really wasn't feeling myself. Maybe a little tired, just not right. All during the service I felt as though God was tugging at my heart about something. Kind of like anxiety but I wasn't worried about anything. It suddenly hit me and I realized what was bothering me. I have hate in my heart.

It takes a lot for me to judge other people to the point of making a 'feeling' about them. I generally give everyone the benefit of the doubt and remind myself we are all equals with different personalities. What kills me is having the feeling of a heavy heart and having nothing be able to fix it. I pray about it, and for the subject of my negativity, but I haven't been able to shake it. I've been reading this book by Donald Miller and also the book of James and they both have been speaking right to me. I find myself struggling with negative feelings toward something but yet I say I'm a Christian? Christians are supposed to love everyone as Jesus did. Thats what was causing me to reflect tonight. (and plus Charlie was talking about the difference between good intentions and actually following through). Of course I want to let this weight on my heart go...but I find myself holding on by a string.

After Nexus a group of us went and ate the amazing pizza at Aggatucci's. I haven't had it in months and it really hit the spot! Of course with a group its always hard to come up with a plan for the evening. I decided we should all go downtown on the riverfront. What a great idea that was! The weather was beautiful, there was a band playing at the center stage and we all just walked along the docks on the river. It was so peaceful and beautiful anybody could have enjoyed it! After awhile 6 of us took a carriage ride around downtown. (Perfect date someday...hint hint) It gave us a chance to realize places we've never seen before. We hung out for a bit more, had some helpful conversation and then decided to head our own ways.

All through this wonderful night I still had a little bit of reservation. Being with these wonderful people helped me forget it a bit. It wasn't until the bike ride back to my car that I felt relief. We had to ride all across town (so we took the back roads) and it was my time to let go. The wind blowing in my hair, the songs I was singing, and my arms stretched out wide.....exactly what I needed. I know I need to work on my heart, but tonight was perfect in my book. I hope my good intentions will actually turn into good actions. ;o)

POG to you!!

The best July 3rd EVER!

As I write this, I'm laying in bed not wanting to go to sleep because the day will end. I don't want it to end but I am sooo tired! The first great news is tht Kevin and Summer have a beautiful baby girl! Lyza Gray Sletten was born at 7:39 this morning weighing in at 9lbs and a shrimpy 19 inches long. What a doll baby!! I got the pleasure of spending a few hours at the hospital watching the glowing parents and holding the bundle of joy. What a way to start out the day!

After a nap I headed out to Morton. The group of my friends and I went out to the Rinkenbergers (sp) farm to have a pre-4th of July cookout. Their land is beautiful! We hung out with the horses (one of which bit me in the butt-kinda hurt), went swimming in the lake, rope swung into the water, and took a few laps in the pool. It was just an amazing time and while we were all on the lake at night they set off fireworks.

As I was looking up at the sky tonight I really felt God in my heart. I have been blessed with great friends and I am excited to wait and see what else is to come!!

POG to you!

If you want to hear God laugh...

tell Him your plans. This line sums up my past two weeks. It seems as though everything I thought was going on, wasn't. What I had hoped wasn't, really was. All while living my life in naievity. (Ben I don't have spell check on here....I need you)

I think sudden changes of plans are God's way of keeping us on our toes. When we get comfortable we hardly look to him. In most situations it is when an disruption of comfort comes along that we are on our knees. Well let me just tell you thats been me.

One of the things I value most in my life are my friendships. It doesn't matter what mood you are in, your friends are the ones to share it with you or pull you out. I think a true friend is one who helps keep you accountable, and is the one to tell you the things you really need to hear. The closest ones know everything about you and could probably tell you more about what is good for you then you can tell yourself. In any situation I would bend over backwards for a friend but sometimes you just have to let them go.

We all have ideas of what we want in life. Significant others, houses, family, jobs, rings, and what not. I have learned that if you want something to happen....wait for it. God's timing is always perfect.

POG to you.