Monday Monday..

As I sit here at my desk this Monday morning, I wonder where my weekend went. Friday night I got the privilege to help my friends make their new house a home. This included painting, and ripping up floors. How exiciting that I was able to be apart of their new life. Saturday was a day dedicated to Young Life. I spent 7 hours (no I'm not complaining Summer) getting trained and hanging out with my fellow Young Life leaders. Saturday night was a great time to share with my old college roomates that came in town just for Sunday.

As I have mentioned in previous blog posts, God has been working in my heart. One of the things I have been challenged to do was to finally give my heart to Him. To symbolize my acceptance of this, I made a public declaration in front of my friends and family. Yesterday I was baptized. Not your average baptisim I must say, I mean how many people can say they have seen someone baptized in a softtub?

I would have people ask me, "So how do you feel?" after the actual dipping, and in complete honesty I didn't feel any different. Well, not until I was trying to sleep and kept tossing and turning. I was replaying the events in my head, wondering the effect this had on others. I'm not the type of person who can handle compliments, or cry for that matter. But yesterday I was forced to accept the nice things people said about me, with a simple "Thank you." I knew it would be an emotional day, but I don't think I have ever been as nervous as I was. My hands were shaking, my stomach was turning, I couldn't even get through the first paragraph of my testimony without crying for pete's sake.

I enjoyed being able to share this experience with my friends. I was finally able to talk to my college friends about my faith in a way that would explain why I moved away. I affirmed my mom after all the years of a broken relationship, and I got to finally thank the people who broke down the wall around my heart, the Waids.

I now realize that declaring this step in front of 40 people must bring about change in my life. I have 40 brothers and sisters in Christ that don't want to see me fall. What an inspiration to be a better person.

Thank you to everyone who was able to share this day with me. I love you all.

Christianity in sales..

The reputation of a sales professional is money grubbing and scandalous. That is a stereotype that I am dedicating myself to break. I have noticed a continual struggle with my workday. My goal is to have my work glorify God. I want to serve other's and their businesses by offering growth through radio. The problem with breaking the stereotype is that people automatically assume you are nothing but a sleazy salesperson. It takes tough skin, a genuine heart and perseverance to show them the difference. I'm working on that.

I want my work to glorify God. I know He will provide me with clients that will see my true heart. Until then I pray for unconditional love to the people who call me names, and have nothing but rude comments in response. I want to be the difference in sales, at Independence Media, and to the community in which I am calling on. The difference with my work will be my character, which is solely a result of God in my heart.

(It's nice to know that the corporate employee I shared this with yesterday is in full support of my method.)

Something new..

Since I am getting baptized on Sunday, I am using this opportunity to discover secrets hiding in my heart so I can completely get washed clean.

A theme that I never really thought of before was my body being God's not mine. The things I do with and to myself aren't just hurting me, it's against the Holy Spirit that is in my heart. Summer and I have started a 6am workout. So we can get a workout in before work and kids get out of bed. It definately was a different experience getting ready for work at the gym. I enjoyed it! It's only 9am and I'm wide awake!

Church this weekend definately got me inspired to give my all to God in all I do. This week I will focus on my work being for God, instead of my career.

I pray that God continue to shine a light on things that I should focus on, and give away to Him this Sunday.

Christianity after college.

Since graduating I have had the wonderful opportunity to take three trips this summer. Throughout these times God has spoken to me and I believe has really changed and formed my heart. Here is a recap.

1. There were different times where I felt God moving into my heart asking for everything. I was reading this book called Time Bandits when I was consumed by my worries. A quote mentioning, "Concern yourself with what concerns Me, and I will take care of the things that worry you." I have been blessed by 2 out of the 3 worries have been taken care of. I know things will always not be this worry free but I am okay with believing God will take care of them when they arise.

2. I'm getting baptized. I believe this summer God has really weighed on my heart to start clean. To make a declaration of my surrender to Him. To make this even more meaningful, I am having not only my mentor but my friend baptize me. It will be a little different then the typical church ceremonies, I will be baptized at the Sletten's house by Summer.

3. I have found that I am completely in disgust by the life I used to live. The way people act as if their lives aren't important, and all they are out for is a good thrill made me feel sorry for them. I am so glad finally I have been delivered by what was a struggle of mine for years.

4. I laugh about it now, but I genuinely feel for people. A couple of weeks ago I saw someone weaping, and my heart ached for them. I cried at some stupid Mandy Moore movie because she was letting herself love another. I recieved a gift from someone and I cried like a baby. I have been praying for immense compassion and I have found it. I wasn't crying for any other reason then sympathy and celebration.

I recognize daily the gifts I have from God. I search biblical ways to handle situations. I use scripture as a focus for things I do. If I start to worry I am immediately reminded God will deliver me as long as I am faithful to Him. I know all of you Christians are thinking to yourself, "This is what it should have been like all along...duh" but I have come to the conclusion that being a Christian is easier for me after I graduated college.

Re-occuring theme..

The past few days I have had one reoccuring theme in my life. Storms. It's been beautiful weather, but I mean the life is out of control storm.

I'm sure that I've blogged about this particular verse before, but I can remember over a year ago listening to a pastor at New Community talk about Mark 4. In case you aren't familiar:
"That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, "Let us go over to the other side." Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?" He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"
They were terrified and asked each other, "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!"

I think it's so important that we use this story as a reminder that we as believers should know God will take care of us even when we think things are over our heads.

Casting Crowns says it perfectly, "I will praise you in this storm." Amen!

God's path..

So the past few days I've been feeling God leading me to step out of my comfort zone and venture out in regards to my career. I've started working in the position where I feel He's leading me, but I started thinking, "What if it's my idea and not God's?" I have been praying about it constantly, and actually this epiphany came to what I believe is an answer to a prayer... so in that regards, where do I disconnect my desires with God's leading?

"Personal Day"

Yesterday was an amazing day for realizations. I don't want people to be under the impression that I was sad or depressed, that simply wasn't the case. I needed to take some time to myself to re-evaluate what I had going on in my life, and God showed up to help.

It was such a great day to do whatever I wanted. It has been a long time since I have been able to take a day for myself. I needed a fresh start. I moved some stuff around in my room and deep cleaned what hasn't been reachable since I moved in. I recommed every one take a day like that to 'get your heart right'.

Today has been an amazing reflection of the time I spent yesterday. My heart is at peace even with the stresses of the world, but I am confident that God will get me through like He always has. I read a quote last night in a book I was given about "Time Bandits". It said, Worry about how you can live for God and He will take care of the things that worry you. (not a direct quote, but you get the jist)

That's exactly what I need to do.

On bended knee...

The past week has been filled with rough but necessary realization. While I was traveling to California my spiritual relationship was in full blossom. I have never felt as close to God outside of a retreat then I did while I was there. I believe I was growing in ways I needed in order to fully dedicate my heart to God and surrender my life to Him. When I got back home, it's been nothing but challenges.

After church this morning, it took all I had not to break down into tears. I'm not depressed and playing my own violin's of sorrows, I'm explaining God's works and I need to be brutally honest even if it does cause me embarrassment. I was standing in the hallway with some of the most humanly influential people in my life. These including the people who introduced me to Christ, and also the people who inspire me to be more Christlike everyday. I stepped out to walk to my car and my heart was bursting. My whole way home I was putting together pieces of the challenges I have faced the past week and was uncontrollably broken.

Last week I had visions of what I was really facing in my life. Today, put it together. I have desires of surrendering myself to Christ, fully. That is something I don't believe I have ever done, but in times like these I have to, God is really all I have here. My job produces nothing but anxiety and frustration. I dread going into work because I get sucked into the gossip and anger everyday. My finances are literally causing me to consider a second job which would sacrifice my sanity and lack of 'me' time I already miss. My phone constantly rings by people in which I owe money to and every time it causes me to cringe because I would give anything to just be able to pay them and not worry about it anymore. I see everyone around me moving into that next phase of life and it creates such a desire in my heart. There is not even a lead to that part in my future. (Disclaimer: this just adds to the list, and is actually the least of my worries) The things I valued are broken. I dropped my brand new phone and shattered the screen, no insurance. My camera in which I enjoy broke the second day I was in California. My friends (including myself) are all so busy starting our lives that we don't really have time for each other.

All of this has caused me to really evaluate what I have in life. I have come to realize that when it seems you have nothing it makes you realize the one thing that you will always have; unfortunately it takes your whole life falling apart in order to realize that.

I know it's been awhile. A lot has gone on in my life since my last post. I will take the time to explain in more detail later, but I just have a prayer request. Something that always seems to get me down, even after such a great spiritual few weeks is my finances. I just ask if you have a second, to please pray that things work out. I know God has ALWAYS provided, and I believe he will, it's just until it happens my heart races and I have anxiety for the amount of loaded up debt. The hardest part is through the past month I have cancelled ALL of my credit cards, so what I would use to get gas or food is not there. I need financial peace.

Fireworks...

Last night Tara and I had a very relaxing evening. We both cleaned our separate quarters and decided to watch a movie. It was during the middle of the stupid movie, "Must Love Dogs" I got up to get a drink. I was standing by the sink when all of a sudden I heard a BANG. Typically when I would hear that sound, I would think someone had just gotten 'capped'. Not in the Ravenwoods.

Tara and I quickly ran outside to find my neighbors shooting off fireworks. It was a good minute and a half show, and afterwards all of the neighbors who were standing on their porches started clapping and shouting. "Thanks Jeff" "You ROCK!" Kids were running all over the streets laughing and singing. What a way to celebrate the summer together.

I love my house.

Culture Shock

Last Saturday my friends Summer and Molly convinced me to go to the Elmwood Strawberry Festival with them. I decided to attend the festivities to culture myself in small town interaction. The whole day kept reminding me of such movies like "Sweet Home Alabama" and "Steel Magnolias".


It took about 20 minutes to absorb the whole 'experience'. That including: a band singing patriotic songs while the crowd stood at attention, a craft display consisting of booths only selling homemade jewlerly, woodwork and light covers, a center for prominades, and the best of all the FAIR STORE that sold only items that were made 20+ years ago. It blew my mind how they could still have them there. I just wanted to touch everything, and make sure I wasn't dreaming. We decided that in order to enrich our cultured experience we will be traveling to various festivals around the area.





Here are a few pictures for your viewing pleasure.





This was the Strawberry Jam that was sold. I like to take note to the mason jars. You know your in the country if you use mason jars.
































Please note not the horrible look on Summer's face, but the clogger in the background. Summer did not get the memo that she would actually still be IN the picture, although the main focus was to take a picture of this horribly embarrassing outfit without being obvious. This was taken after lunch as we were enjoying Strawberry Pizza and a fabulous Strawberry Shortcake.





This was the cheesy band playing. They all had matching pale yellow shirts on. They were singing God Bless America while the crowd stood at attention with their hands over their hearts. Touching.























What a better way to get into the Elmwood spirit then to get face paint. Although we had to pummel some little kids because they didn't think we were in line and kept cutting us.




Yes, this was all of us with our Strawberry Fest Strawberry on our face. Molly was the only one whose strawberry didn't look 'booty'.

I am happy to say that I survived my first small town Festival. Thanks Molly and Summer for dragging me to it!



*Sorry if this publishes wrong, I haven't posted pics in a long time!

My life..

Life after college has been great. I've had a chance to relax and re-evaluate who I want to be 'when I grow up' which I guess is now.

Work has been keeping me busy, and I still enjoy what I do. However I still do not have benefits, and I am typing this with a headache I have had for days beating behind my left eye. I have been miserable sleeping, probably havent slept through the night for a week and a half. Maybe I should look into the benefits thing..

I have really been blessed with my friendships. Thats all for now.

Motherhood Moment...

For those of you who know me, you know my intense passion for kids. I dream of the day I can start a family. Well this past weekend, yesterday included was a definate 'motherhood experience' for me.

It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon and my wonderful friends and I were outside enjoying the weather (and celebrating my graduation) when I was holding someone that I love dearly! All of a sudden I feel warm drench my legs and lap. Lyza Gray was feeling under the weather and decided to empty her stomach- which was just fed- all over me. Projectile vomit that missed her clothing entirely but managed to drench me. But it wasn't just one tiny little puke. It was 3 sepearate sections of projectile vomit. The whole group was in shock, especially her parents. I didn't know what to do, I just kept her on my lap until she finished puking. The comments from the peanut gallery didn't help either, "Oh Sick," "Thats gross!" "Look at all that puke." Needless to say on a day of celebration, everyone wants to look their best, and I was covered in puke. So much I needed to get hosed off before entering my house to shower.

Last night I had the pleasure of picking my niece and two nephews up from their school in Bloomington. Sydney is 5, Alex is 3, and Ethan is 7 months. I carted the three to Buffalo Wild Wings (where I definately got looks, being a 'single mother and all'.) We bath and get ready for bed. All was going perfect until I hear the monitor starting to go off at 3 am. Ethan was crying. Of course he didn't want a bottle, he didn't need to be changed, he just wanted to be held. So for an hour and 45 minutes, I held him, and eventually layed him in bed with me. Of course I didn't sleep well because I was terrified of rolling onto him. - I'm not a big roller I just hear people talking about it.-

Needless to say I have had motherly experiences lately, and although I still love kids dearly...I'll wait.

My awesome house..

I've lived in my house for 6 months now, and it wasn't until this month I realized how beautiful it actually is. Our house has so many spots that we never used, mostly because all of the tenants would just retreat to the bedrooms and thats it.

The other night it was beautiful outside so I went and spent 45 minutes with God. The stars in the sky, and the breeze were just enough to make me never want to go inside. I've been a really big advocate for staying at home lately.

I am having a graduation party on Saturday so tonight it's clean clean clean, but with my amazing roomates I know it'll be turned into fun instead of a chore!


(Lame post...sorry)

My stupid mouth..

So I've always been a big cusser. It's a nasty unattractive habit, I know. I typically do it in a joking manner or when I am alone, except when I get all riled up.

My young life girls know they can swear around me, I feel it provides for a 'safe enviornment' where if they swear and I don't flinch then they can talk about other things and the same peaceful reaction will occur. I try not to swear around them, until my stupid mouth slipped tonight. I think/hope only a few of my closest friends, one YL girl heard me. Immediately after I felt remorse.

I have been constantly nagged about my 'language' by my friend Ryan, but tonight I felt so convicted immediately after, it was embarrassing. I don't want those words to come out of my mouth and people look at me to see a religious leader. I know it says in the Bible that my words should only be pure and of God...my challenge for myself this week is that I clean up my mouth. (If you ever hear me, feel free to call me out on it!)


Only one more day of class and 3 finals to go!

My wonderful friends...

Yesterday I couldn't help but let joy fill my heart all day long. God has blessed me with a great group of friends. It's like they understand me. Their kind words and prayers helped me get through my tough week.

It's good friends like that who help me not get offended when I get called, "Bible Study" from others.


Thank you, to all my friends.

Freedom!

My week is over! Only finals now and I will be a college graduate.

Last Horrah..

It hit me on Sunday that the girls I have grown with the past 4 years, are all leaving town and getting into the real world in a few weeks. Granted, I moved away because I needed to get out of that lifestyle, but I never wanted to get away from them.

This week has been extremely busy for me. With work, school, Chi Omega senior week. I have been trying to spend as much time with my best friends as possible. This prevents me from getting home before 2:30am. I figure this is my last college horrah! (I'm sure I'll elaborate on this more later...)

My Week

I didn't sleep last night. Do you ever have those nights where all you can do is think about the stuff that lies undone so if you HAPPEN to fall asleep you dream about those things, and it's such a light sleep that a cricket wakes you up..that was me last night.

When I get stressed, my body shuts down. The past two weeks I have been sick, fighting fevers, sinus infections and losing and finding my voice daily.

Today I have a semester long campaign presentation. It's a high percentage of our grade, like 3/4. A lot of weight is on today. We were up until 2:30am working on it, averaging 9 hours of work each day the past weekend. (We met everyday last week also..) Tomorrow I have a presentation that had to be pushed back to tomorrow because last week I had no voice. I am finished with the presentation, but after watching everyone else go I need to re-vamp my approach. Then Thursday is the next presentation.

Keep in mind, this whole time my boss is out of town this week so I am at the office everyday. It is also Senior week for my sorority so we have something everynight this week at 9pm.

I know it's bad to quote the prior post..but this week: "Lord beer me strength"

The Office

I never do this...... but I couldn't resist.

Jim: "Lord, beer me strength."

Distractions

Lately I have been realizing, that I fill my life with distractions, on purpose. With graduation coming up, I will have a lot of time on my hands. I think it will seriously drive me crazy! I strive at keeping myself busy so when I accomplish tasks, I actually FEEL accomplished.

What I have found is that my distractions I choose to fill my mind with cause me to lose focus on God. Things I know I have no control over. I should be turning them over to Him, but I still let them roam in my mind. This could explain my God dry spell.

I don't know how to stop.

"Take Me Out to the BALLPARC"

On Monday, April 23rd my senior project group is hosting a baseball game at O'Brien Field in recognition and celebration of PARC, a local not-for-profit organization. PARC has been serving developmentally disabled participants in the Peoria area for 55 years.

Gates open at 5:30 and the first pitch is at 6:30. The Peoria Chiefs will be playing the Kane County Cougars. Tickets are only $5.00

The PARC "Dream Team" consisting of 9 PARC participants will be announced along with the Chief players during the National Anthem.

A raffle with prizes donated from local businesses will be held and all the proceeds will go to benefit PARC.

On Monday, April 23rd, bring the family to cheer on your Peoria Chiefs and celebrate PARC. We'll see you at the ballPARC!

*If anyone is interested in donating a monetary gift or a raffle item, please let me know! All items are tax deductible and PARC is a 501 (c)3.

Who I am..

This morning God has put on my heart for me to analyze who I am. More importantly, who I portray I am to others. I have never really thought about it much, but I can imagine countless times where I don't portray on the outside, who I really am on the inside.

Once I figure it all out, I'll post more.

Satan..

Before I became a Christian I always compared people who talked about Satan to those who obsess themselves with mythical creatures. Satan to me was just this image that was on a trading card or a video game. I now know how real he is.

As I posted before I was able to release myself of things I was holding on to this past weekend. I wasn't the same person I used to be and it was evident when I read my journals. It was depressing to read the past few months of journals. But after this weekend I re-checked my heart and found it was filled with natural things instead of spiritual things (Romans 8)

Yesterday, Satan tried to get at me. Fill my head with negative ideas and images with what I had just released off my heart. How frustrating! It was as if I knew the truth of God, but still was under attack of Satan. One thing I learned last night was that Satan can't read your mind. Since we are filled with the holy spirit Satan is unable to break through. So in order to get his influences out of our hearts we need to tell him outloud. (Thanks Gina)

I pray that today I can focus on living in the Spirit.

Forgiveness

So the theme of my past weekend has apparently been forgiveness. Knowing that God forgives me, and actually accepting that forgiveness in addition to forgiving myself. Well I was reading a book last night (I've been reading it FOREVER....) "It Comes from Within" and the chapter I was reading talks about confession. When we confess things it should be a sign of change. A conscious effort to not commit the same sin again.

Today I confessed and admitted to someone that I made a mistake. I think in order for me to release the shame and accept God's forgiveness, I needed to apologize to the person I wronged. That was a lot harder then I thought! Admitting my mistake and coming clean with the reason I allowed myself to let me guard down was eye opening.

I pray that I continually can admit when I'm wrong....and ask for forgiveness even if the person doesn't understand why I need it.

Forgiveness

So the theme of my past weekend has apparently been forgiveness. Knowing that God forgives me, and actually accepting that forgiveness in addition to forgiving myself. Well I was reading a book last night (I've been reading it FOREVER....) "It Comes from Within" and the chapter I was reading talks about confession. When we confess things it should be a sign of change. A conscious effort to not commit the same sin again.

Today I confessed and admitted to someone that I made a mistake. I think in order for me to release the shame and accept God's forgiveness, I needed to apologize to the person I wronged. That was a lot harder then I thought! Admitting my mistake and coming clean with the reason I allowed myself to let me guard down was eye opening.

I pray that I continually can admit when I'm wrong....and ask for forgiveness even if the person doesn't understand why I need it.

My shame..

I was told by a friend that I should go to the Good Friday service at Northwoods. I have celebrated the 'events' of Easter before, but in all honesty never like this.

I have been holding on to my shame. I do things I'm not proud of and I ask forgiveness. By God's grace, I am forgiven but as Cal said it perfectly, "It's our mind that prevents us from forgiving ourselves." In my past I have been taught that things can be forgiven, but not forgotten. With any mistake I made growing up, it was forgiven, but always brought back up at one point in time or another. The idea of having something shameful be forgiven and FORGOTTEN has been fairly new to me, and extremely hard to accept. On Friday, as a part of the service, I wrote down the things that I was ashamed of. (My friend Nancy said it perfectly, by asking for a notebook instead of the small paper they provided..) I had the opportunity to tear up my shame, and give it all up to God. Two days later I still feel peace in my heart from my shame.

Easter was great. I was able to attend the service with a friend, whom I didn't know was a Christian. Then I had reflection time. I layed in bed, listened to music and stared out the window. I felt full of God.

Life is really crazy now. I graduate in a month and balancing work and projects and event campaigns just really take up my life. By the end of the day I try working out to get some "Me and God" time, but when I get home I just crash. It was really amazing to have this weekend with God.

A prayer request: I learned last week, that the full time job I was hoping to get when I graduate won't be ready for me, and it could take months...I didn't plan on that happening so I didn't do any job searching. Possible positions could be available at the station for me, but I just ask that you pray for God to show me where I am supposed to be.

22 going on 35...

Last night....I felt old.

Sunday night we were sitting around the table at the Sletten house when Summer tells me she needs to ask me a question. I should have known it was going to be different when she prefaced with, "Leslie, I have something to ask you and I'm only asking because I know you will tell me no if you want to.." Uh oh. She needed a babysitter on Tuesday (last night..) THEN she casually slips in on Tuesdays Lyza has swimming lessons. I couldn't help but laugh hysterically after she asked me.

After checking my schedule I decided I would go through with it. I took Lyza to swimming lessons. Then, about a stoplight away from the place, my FRIEND (or so she says) Summer decides to break the news to me. "Oh you have to sing this raindrops song.." WHAT! Not only was I going to be in a swimsuit (embarrassing) but I will have to SING (even more embarrassing!)

After spending 30 minutes in the pool with a little fish they call Lyza, and singing 4 SONGS! (not 1) I realized swim lessons weren't as bad as I thought....

My waving neighbors

I know, two posts in one day...

Maybe it's my age, or just my neighborhood but something about it makes me feel cozy. Moving from Bradley's campus to a neighboorhood outskirts of North Peoria has definately been a culture shock.

I can remember sitting on my porch on Fredonia last summer enjoying the beautiful weather and witnessing a drug exchange. Some of you may be asking, "how do you know it was a drug sale?" I'm telling you I saw the driver get out of one car, go into the other, turn on the dome lights to check out the goods all while the girl in the original car was emptying the tobacco out of a cigar in preparation. Drug deal, no doubt about it.

Now that the weather is nice, I drive and in my new neighborhood watch all my neighbors take care of their lawn, have a few beers while sitting on their tailgate chatting it up with other residents. The difference is I drive and it hasn't been one nice day that goes by that my neighbors don't WAVE as I drive by. I'm talking everytime I drive by, even my 5 year old girls that live two houses down, I get waves.

It really makes me feel safe. I mean how could a neighborhood be threatening if it's residents are THAT friendly?

Answered Prayer..

My sleep schedule has been out of wack for the past few weeks. I used to be ready for bed at 9:30 and would be up like clock-work at 7:00 am! It's gotten to the point where I can't fall asleep before midnight and I have to drag myself out of bed. Last night I decided to pray that God give me rest that when I would wake up, I felt refreshed. Well needless to say this morning I woke up, and was wide awake. Too bad it was at 4:15 in the morning!

Hopefully tonight I will be so tired that I can start my old routine again!

Case in point: God does listen, ask specifically.

Selfish Prayer..

Last week I was looking at my dedication to God. Take working out for example. I have been working out a lot lately, and I do it because I love how it feels afterward and I have the drive to fit into that bikini! How selfish! So I've been trying to give my workout to God. Instead of quitting whenever I feel like it. I set a goal and push myself to that goal and give that time to God and look to him for strength.

I've been thinking a lot about prayer ever since Cal spoke last Wednesday at New Community. I had been contending for things to happen through prayer. I was frustrated because I felt worn out, then Cal lite my fire again. A few days after I suddenly felt guilty for my prayers. They were selfish. The prayer was for salvation, but deep down in hopes I would reap benefits of that salvation. That sounds just as bad as I re-read what I typed.

So I stopped praying for that. Is it possible to take the selfish need out of prayer? I fear that if I continue to pray I will hang on to hopes that things will change when really I just need to continue moving on.

Thunderstorms

Typically I LOVE thunderstorms...it's great to just cuddle in bed, in my case..alone. Thats besides the point. I was sleeping and suddenly woke up with a crack of thunder. As I woke up the door to my bedroom was open and the hall light was on. Keep in mind that I always sleep with my door completely closed. Talk about scary waking up to my door being open at 1:00am!!!!! It really was hard to fall back asleep after that.

Needless to say I still was able to lay in bed when it was really time to wake up for the day.

Love.

So I have been taking some time away from blogging just because I've been personally struggling with some things on my heart and I didn't want to always sound negative, or repeat the same ideas I've been recycling. This past week has been really eye opening for me. Maybe it's because the weather is getting nicer, but I have definately heard God.

God spoke to me in a dream the other night. It's probably the first time I woke up and KNEW what I needed to do. I honestly can't remember another time I truely believed God spoke to me like that. After being frustrated with people letting me down, turning their backs on me, and just hurting me...I wanted to write a lot of people off. I am okay with putting people in the "we really don't need to be friends category." My dream told me that I needed to be like Jesus, and love unconditionally regardless of how people love/treat me. The parable running through my head as I was getting ready for the day was the Prodigal Son. And I woke up with the Third Day song "Don't you Know I've Always Loved You" in my head, it's been MONTHS since I've heard it.

The past few days I've been making a conscious effort to love people. We talked about it at campaigners, and it really helps to step out of the box to think about this stuff. Sometimes when we hear our own answers to things, it's really embarrassing that we would think like that. But then it opens our minds and opens are hearts.

God loves us unconditionally and although our backs are turned when we come around He's standing there with open arms. Why can't we be that way for other people?

Sleep Patterns

So my friends make fun of me, but I feel like a grandma with my sleep patterns. Like clockwork, at 9:30 I am ready for bed. There was a time last week that my friends were just meeting to go bowling, and I was crawling into bed. How pathetic.

The past week my sleep has been off. I've been ready for bed, yawning and eyes watering, but I sleep like crap. It takes me a while to fall asleep and when I do I wake up every so often. I don't understand?

Maybe it's my lack of sleep, but today has been a rough day...I hope it gets better.

Me and God.

So I've been trying to open my heart to God's will and live my life accordingly. Moving by the spirit so to speak. But for the life of me I am finding it hard to decipher God speaking to me and my own feelings/thoughts. Example:

Situation A is happening. I know I feel a certain way, and I pray about things to go God's way...my feelings don't change, does this mean I'm stubborn or God really wants me to have these feelings?

I've gotten insight on this topic before and they always point me to God's word, aka The Bible. But thought on that is people have a skill for twisting things into what they want to hear. Or view verses in a way that anything can say what they want it to. Any other ideas?


On a great note: RICHWOODS BEAT WASHINGTON! To all the smack talkers, in your face ;o)

The Perfect 'Personal Day'..

Every once in a while I like to take what I call a 'personal day'. Granted, as a student you don't really get those, but it was about time I took one. I have been thinking for a while that I need to check my heart on some issues. I went to my first class and then went to Starbucks to have some 'me time'.

Now without going into details I have been struggling with issues in regards to forgiveness. Not only with other people, but in my head I didn't deserve God's forgiveness for some things. I've been struggling with my spirituality, it's just been empty. Prayers seem heartless and it's as if I don't believe someone could love me unconditionally enough to forgive me time after time. So I'm sitting at Starbucks reading a book I've had for a while but never was interested in finishing. "It came from within" by Andy Stanley which talks about checking your heart. Well I know God was waiting for me at Starbucks today because who he brought there too. None other than Lonnie Whisker. What a better sign to deal with my struggle for forgiveness than to be face to face with someone who has definately needed forgiveness. Something (I believe it was God) told me to tell Lonnie the impact he had on my life the New Community service he spoke at in June regarding the gospel of Mark and storms in our life. I have never been able to recall such a service where my heart was in it and I felt he was talking to me. (I can remember it almost a year later.) So I told him.

Lonnie and I talked for almost an hour about a lot of different things and we both knew God had us there in the corner of Starbucks for a reason. We prayed and then I went on with my personal day. I was able to then spend an hour and a half with my biggest inspiration and her beautiful daughter. We talked about a lot of random stuff and when it was quite it was a comfortable silence....I know you read this Summer..I hope you know how much I appreciate you and your turkey sandwhiches.

The day continued. When I got home I opened the curtains, did laundry and went to work out. I joined Gold's today. I've noticed a difference in my attitude since I started working out, and I know I can't afford it...but for me, I'd rather be healthy inside and out then buy a new shirt or shoes.

I sit here, just getting home from dinner with Tim and I for the first time in weeks feel in control, and I know that I have none. Tonight I am okay with that. I think I should take personal days more often! (Sorry this was sooo long!)

Old Bones..

So last night I made dinner for my campaigner girls, plus our good friend Michelle and we had a sleepover. It was a lot of fun! We stayed up until all hours just talking, pretty much thats all we did. Ate, talked, and a certain someone who will remained nameless busted out with 'the worm' on my wood floor. Hilarious!
Now since my schedule has been crazy, I typically go to bed at 9:30. The girls had school off today, but I still had to work. So I pooped out about 2:00am. Needless to say I was 30 minutes later to work that I'd hoped, and I'm sure I'll be heading to bed early tonight!
What a blessing from God to have a house where we can all fit and just enjoy spending time together. I love it!

Body Attack..

I am trying to keep myself active since the weather is so crappy...so my friend Alyssa invited me to Body Attack at Gold's. Let me just explain this in detail for your enjoyment on this crappy Friday afternoon:

I showed up not knowing what to expect. When I saw all of these women, ages ranging from 16-mid to late 40's in tight workoutfits, I got a little nervous. Then here comes the instructor wearing her spandex outfit sporting her headset microphone. I gave Alyssa one of those, "Are you serious" looks. The class began and within the first minute of the very first songs, I was ready to be done. I looked at the clock after I tried catching my breath, we had only been in class 15 minutes. (The class is an hour long.)

Visual image:

My face beet red, jumping up and down, flailing arms and kicking legs do a beat that is off from the rest of the class. As the time went on my kicks got lower, my jogs got less bouncy, I wanted to die. I would periodically (okay at least once through every routine) get water, but the instructor would insist on keeping the heart-rate up. My heart was screaming at me. There was even a time I had to go to the bathroom because I thought I was going to throw up from the bouncing. I was a mess! In between routines there would be a 20 second water break. Then the exercise nazi would be at it again demanding "high kicks" and for us to "power punch it out". My favorite part was when we were able to lay down and do sit ups. (Mostly the lay down part...)

I immediately started getting sore muscles. I honestly can't remember the last time I worked out, let alone an HOUR of cardio. 15-20 minutes is the MAX for me. The teacher came up to me and Alyssa after class and commented on how good we were. I personally think it was her way of trying to pep talk us so I would come back.

Thanks to Alyssa I have a week's free pass to Gold's. I guess I don't have to say it, but I'll be back tomorrow. ;o)

Surrender

So I have noticed that since Justin and myself have gotten out of the boring jobs, we blog less. I think that means we must like our new jobs?

A lot has happened since my last post. I've been completely broken and have been trying to restore myself. I've been surrendering myself to God daily, and my week has been 'better.'

I've had a chance to look outside of the past month. When you take yourself out of the situation you realize the truth of what really went on. I kinda blogged about it before but it's becoming more apparent to me every day. When God blessed my life with a good new job, good boyfriend, and my last semester of college, and great friends, I concentrated on what I could make better. I took the good and ruined it all with my control. When I felt things weren't going my way I was a 'spaz'. I made my life and people I care about lives so stressful. Being pulled out of the situation I wish there were things I could do to change. I definately went through a time when I wasn't my typical self.

I try to pride myself on having a smile, balancing a lot of things, and just loving people. I turned from the people I love and made them not want to be around me. I felt I'd be better off alone. I prayed for brokeness. I now pray for answers. I have realized that no matter what I do in my life, I can't control it. God is the only one that can heal me. I wonder if things will ever go back to the way they were.

Enough is enough..

This past month has been horrible. Granted God blessed me with many great things, a new job, a good boyfriend, temporary financial security/peace, control over school, and good friends. I think Charlie was the one who commented when God blesses, Satan attacks. I have been under self scrutiny and last night I realized I can't control everything.

Instead of taking all the blessings God has provided, I concentrated on how things were not in my control and allowed Satan to rule my heart. My job is great, but I worked 55 hours. On top of that I have a Public Relations Campaign for school that we actually have to carry out. (I'll post about that later.) This campaign takes a lot of scheduled meetings, outside work and thats on top of my two online courses and the balance of my 19 credit hour semester. I was concentrating on knowing my future in my relationship instead of living for the day. I wanted to know what God had in store before He wanted me to. When things didn't go my way I looked at the negative. I no longer have a sense of security with my finances, especially after I have many upcoming large bills to pay. My friends are still good, and I love them every moment of my life.

Last night I found myself stuck. Someone I care about lost two people in their life this past weekend. I couldn't control anything. I wanted to console him, I wanted to take his hurt. But it puts me in a hard position because he isn't letting me. My heart was/is so heavy for his family. I can't do this. It all has to be God. I was writing a talk last night for Young Life and the cool thing about this talk was my topic was "God can do anything." How true.

Valentine's Day

So I have NEVER had a good Valentine's day. Ranging from having the day forgotten to revealing a cheating partner, it just hasn't ever been good. Today isn't much different, I had to wake up to facing my night before.

Tim and I broke up. It's hard because for a while I was needed, I could put my efforts into something that seemed to be producing happiness for both. Supposedly it had become a 'rope around the neck'. It hurts facing that. To think I was causing someone that pressure to be a good boyfriend. It is definatley something I will be analyzing and in all honesty, my actions afterward will also cause me agony.

As I was driving away I let my emotions get the best of me. I wanted to show how much I was hurting and get out of there fast. Little did I think, the roads are horrible. I couldn't stop and I swipped someone's car. My first accident at the age of 22. Put it in the books. Of course I was hysterical, but there was no way I was going to blame this on 'breaking up with my boyfriend'. The couple's car I hit the rear light was the only damage. For some reason my right rear-view mirror was shattered. (I haven't quite figured out how my mirror was at the same level as their brake light, but whatever.) To make matters even worse, the wife of the couple was my second grade teacher. :( How embarrassing. Let's recap. This past month my record has been: 2 parking tickets, 1 speeding ticket, and now this.

Pardon me if I slip into a deep financial and emotional hole.

Horrible Super Sunday

So I was driving to Chicago from the YL Mission Community Conference to watch the Superbowl. I had plenty of time so I wasn't speeding. I went through a speed zone at 55mph. Once the construction zone ended I preceded to go 67. Not bad. I don't think I have ever driven that slow on the highway. I get pulled over. The cop said I was speeding, and in my head I was going 2 mph over!! Well it turns out that the highway speed limit is 55 not 65. WHAT?! So what exactly was the point of the speed zone I had just gone through a mile down the road?! Well I bit my tongue on all the things I wanted to argue about and with rolled eyes took my $75.00 speeding ticket.

The night wasn't much better. After the first quarter I don't know what the Bears were doing, but it definately put a damper on the rest of my night. I decided I needed to drive home to think instead of staying the night. Today I am hurting because I took a leap of faith last night.

The hardest part of taking that leap is the hurt and the risk of losing a friend. I don't want him out of my life, but I know there is a big difference in where I am, and where he is. I see a light at the end of the tunnel, but I don't know how long I can stay in the darkness. I know thats vague....sorry.

God just please mold and soften our hearts and shine light on where you want me to be.

Nails on a Chalkboard

So I was registered for a class and by personal circumstances I was forced to get a new teacher. This professor is supposedly the best in the department. He's really flexible and easy going. I just have one problem. It doesn't bother me much that he swears in class, just the fact that he uses the Lord's name in vein. HOW DISTURBING. I notice EVERY time he does it. Not only the G word but the JC word too. It's dissapointing to have a teacher that is looked up to that just flys by the mouth like that.

Thats my thought of the day. PS: Today is my first day and I'm loving it. ;o)

VOP"s

Last night Tim and I were trying to decide where to go eat. It's been years since I've been to Vonochan's so I thought since it was back in action we should try it out. The second we walked in, I did NOT get a good vibe. It wasn't like I remembered it at all! As we were looking over the very broad menu, we kind of wanted to get up and leave. Then I hear a "Too Late" and the waitress was there to take our order. (I probably would have felt too bad to leave anyway..but Tim was coming up with a good plan.)

The problem I had with VOP's, besides the food was horrible...was the fact that their menu was full of choices. Not just food choices, but types of food. They had Italian, Mexican, American, Seafood....kind of like they didn't know what kind of restaurant to be. The ambiance was different too. The room was bright but yet also had candles? Tim and I were the youngest people there. But the foooooooooood.

Not that I am proud of this, but I go out to eat a lot. I have never wanted to leave food on my plate before. I am really picky and like to/need to finish my plate. Not last night. The only thing I was able to finish was my salad and prime rib. Talk about discusting mashed potatoes. Tasted like....well no taste at all actually. Cardboard. The au ju sauce was like a cup of soy sauce. I have never been so dissappointed in a meal before!

I guess next time it's Woodcutter.

One more day..

So last week I informed the AGM that this would be my last pay period of working. I was scheduled three days total these next two weeks. Two this week and one the week after. I didnt' see a point in working that one day, but I didn't say anything to her. I would make more money, and get more work done at my other job, but in my mind I would just suck it up and work that one day...

Well I get to work today noticing that the schedule has been revamped. I have been completely taken off of next week's schedule...which makes tomorrow my last day!!! (I love having things change after I make arrangements for them to work.) Oh well....I don't have to deal with this ANYMORE!! YEE-HAW!!

Hasta Le Viste Courtyard!

The Office

Okay...not THE office, but MY office. This morning I got to check out where I will be working. The office is off of Alta Rd, so right by my house. Let me just tell you that my office chair is leapord print. It's a great little office with pretty much anything I will need. My title is the National & Regional Sales Coordinator for Indepenence Media. I will have my own business cards and Nextel. Look out professional world...here I come. I start next Wednesday!

Great Post.

So I have come to the realization that this is my 100th post. Not only have I been doin the blogging thing for 100 times...if that makes sense but I have something great to blog about. God.

So I put my two weeks in at the hotel before knowing if I would get another job. Total leap of faith, right? Well I would like to say that God has provided once again and I got the job at the radio station! Look out business world, here I come!!!

Thanks all for the prayers and kind words!!! Have a wonderful Thursday!

Leap of Faith.

Today is the big day. Interview day. In order to get a business casual outfit...I don't really enjoy collared shirts, I sold a Best Buy gift certificate to a girl I work with. (I have another one for $50.00 if anyone is going to go shopping anytime soon.) Tough money times call for creative solutions. Let me just explain my leap of faith...

Yesterday, as you can tell by my blog post I was having enough with my job. It has gotten to be such a negative atmosphere where no one is happy anymore. I have the type of personality where I want to fix things, and when people aren't happy, I am not happy. It was showing in my life and attitude outside of work too. I put my two weeks notice in. Actually, I said this would be my last pay period working there, because I was scheduled one day on a new pay period and I thought that was just stupid. Anyways...so God put this desire to lift the negative weight I had been carrying and I prayed all morning. (I know its a few hours, but the desire didn't change one bit.) After I put my notice in, I felt 10x better. I was able to smile and joke around and I just felt good. I'm assuming this was God's way of letting me know He will take care of me.

Long story short, if the interview does not go in my favor today...which I will be okay knowing God will provide...I will need a new full time job, by next Friday. ;o) I appreciate any prayers...I know God is awesome.

FRUSTRATED.

Last night I was sitting in bed and it hit me. I HATE living so far away from everything. Granted, I love the house. But it's just so hard because when you are out there, alone...I go crazy! Maybe I'm just meant to be alone. I live with people, but none of us are ever around each other. If we are at home it's either for bed, or with boyfriends. I guess what sucks for me is the fact that my boyfriend purposely moved out of that house so he wouldnt have to drive that far....which means he isn't around the house much...Last night I was just extremely frustrated. I tried sleeping and waking up with a good attitude....but then I came to work.

Someone who started working the desk the same day as I did has been making the schedule. Granted with school starting, my availability is the same as it was last semester, not as flexible as Christmas break. Well with that being said I am only being scheduled one or two days a week! I went from working 24-40 hours a week to 8-16. If you are confused why I am upset about this...read my previous post about my bills. I can't afford this. It makes me want to leave this place even sooner. I just pray my interview goes well tomorrow.

God grant me peace when times make me angry.

Rain on my parade..

The hotel biz has been really hard to stick with lately. In my head I need to prepare for the real world and I don't think I'm suited for hotels. I love the people I work with. The work just sucks. The problem was I had no idea what I wanted to do. I was at work on Friday when I got a random phone call. It was a lady wanting to set up an interview to be her assistant. She works/I think owns, a few radio stations. I would be working with clients, setting up promotions, filing, and designing stuff on the computer. Very flexible hours and she seems like a great lady to work for, granted I talked to her only for 20 minutes. I got a very good feeling about this after talking with her. She even said she wasn't too concerned with my resume, which was good because I only had a rough draft of one since I never planned on needing it. (I always wanted to go to Cosmetology school after I graduated Bradley.) So the e-mail has been set, and a meeting hopefully will happen within the next week! Prayer REquest please!!

Then comes the rain. I have realized today I am financially struggling again. I'm in over my head in debt. Car payments, cell phone bills, insurance, gas, credit cards, utilities, the list goes on and on. I know God will provide for me...but what if I don't have a car to drive? See my grandparents put money towards what I owe on my car for Christmas and my birthday, so in my head at least payments to my past due balances were being made......well my buddy Selina sent me a letter today informing me again I'm still past due. Dangit. I need some major prayers that God would slap some sense in me when it comes to money. I am so quick to pick up the tab for others becuase I know they would do it for me, or invite someone to dinner to catch up and then realize afterward I could only afford bread and water.

Some people like that struggle, because it brings them closer to God. I don't have that peace.....

on a better note::I'm feeling 10x better healthwise! No more mono!

How Do You...

How do you tell someone what it takes to love.

• That life isn't all about them.
• Money doesn't buy happiness.
• Smiles and laughter only are a part to happiness.
• Life is full of temporary satisfactions.
• Just because Christians don't drink, doesn't make them dorks.
• Most people enjoy to live deeper than surface level with each other.
• Time spent is more valuable than dollars spent.

I guess you should just use words. But why do they never seem to come out right?

Children of Men

Probably the most interesting feel bad movie I have ever seen. The plot was set in 2027 and all of the women were infertile. The whole movie is nothing but blowing buildings up, shooting innocent people, and protecting the first pregnant lady in 20 years. It made me sad to think that life could end up like that. Granted, it's a little far fetched, but my vision of society in the new millenium is more peaceful, not like the movie was. The plot didn't change much after the first 1/4 of the movie, and the suspense wasn't much to keep you interested. In any words, don't go see it.

Beautiful Affirmation

Ever since Saturday I have felt back on track with God. No more hiatus. I went to New Community at Northwoods last night, and let me just tell you I left so refreshed. I know God wanted to show me a sign. It was during worship that it happened. In the row in front of where I was sitting there was this girl. She had to be 4 or 5 years old. Like any little kid wants to do when they are in a large area she was standign on her chair so she could see. The song "Blessed Be Your Name" came on and thats when it happened. This innocent child spread her arms open and began to worship. She would use sign language on the parts she knew but other then that she was signing loud to the Lord with her arms open in surrender. I have never seen anything so beautiful, so outstanding. It brought tears to my eyes, enough that a few fell down my face. The mother looked at her daughter, smiled and looked around to see if she was causing anyone elses' attention. When she caught my eye I smiled and she hugged and kissed her daughter in a way to show me that she too thought it was beautiful.

I have never left a service at Northwoods so uplifted. As Cal talked about the aim for the church beginning this new year, I was excited. I pray that his dreams are fulfilled in that church and I know I want to be there to see it happen. As if church wasn't exciting enough, we had a great campaigners last night! We discussed being a new creation in Christ and the old has gone. We each were able to physically get rid of our past and project what we'd see in the future. I love those girls.

My reason to smile: God.

The Mummy

I know, I don't post for a few days, and I have two in a span of a few hours. Let me explain:

I work back to backs maybe once or twice a week. (Thats where I work 3-11 at night and I come back at 7am the next day.) Well I have been sick and last night was my first of two back to backs this week. I decided to take some medicine to help me sleep and I took Sudafed since I was out of Nyquil. Being stupid I read the box afterwards and it said "non-drowsy". Great. I won't be able to sleep. Well I decided to take one of my muscle relaxers after checking to make sure it was okay to mix the two. They usually knock me out in no time. Well I started to get drowsy and went to lay in bed. After my nightly prayers, which usually make me pretty sleepy as well, my mind was still awake. This trend lasted until I got up this morning. My body was heavy and comfortable but my mind was racing. I thought about the most random things!! Here's an example:

1. When I was going to get my car fixed.
2. What bills I had to pay.
3. My resume (yes, I started writing it in my head)
4. I was playing Spider Solitare in my head.
5. Singing, "Somethings Gotta Give" by Leann Rhymes
6. Actually thinking when I have to start school, and arranging 6 more credit hours before then.
7. My future family. (tried picturing my house and kids...)
8. Sheep. Didn't work.
9. Flowers...don't know why..

I am now at work, still feeling the effects of the 12 hour Sudafed....I know it's my birthday and all but all I want to go home and do is either sleep or clean. How lame am I.

My new addiction

As most of you know, well you do if you read my blog....work is kind of slow during this time of year. Okay, I lied it seems to always be slow during the days. We try to create projects or other things to keep us busy, but none seem to do so and make the day fly by. Well I am going to admit, I found a new addiction. Spider Solitare. I have played it before but lately it intrigues me. I am challenged by the two suit twist on regular solitare. At first I just started a few rounds by doing one suit and it was too easy. So I chose the two suited game and let me just tell you I don't think there is a trick to figuring this one out. It's so challenging which makes you want to start a new game whether you are able to complete it or not. So if anyone is looking for something to pass the time, try Spider Solitare and it'll rope you in. I swear.

Brain fart from life..

So there has been so much going on in the past month that I have taken a sebatical from life it seems. I just have become a hermit. 3 major items.

1. Truck for sale. Talk about a lousy buy. It however has gotten me from A to B for the past year, but also has lead me to broke. I finally had my first car issue the past few weeks. My right rear wheel bearing has seen it's last day. I've gotten two estimates with an average somewhere between $450-$600. Holy cow! So I got a name of an independent mechanic who does work for cheap cash. I know, I should have thought something was fishy when I dropped it off and there was no business name on the garage. But hey, he was going to charge me $60.00 in labor and I bought the replacement kit at some parts store. After 5 hours went by and I still hadn't gotten a call saying it was ready, I called him, told him to just put things back the way they were and I was going to take my truck back, broken and all. Unless anyone has any mechanic friends that will change the wheel bearings on my 2002 Ford Explorer, I'm sucking it up and making an appointment at the Ford dealership...

2. I graduate college in 5 months. CRAP! I have come to the realization that I will be soon joining the work force...but my problem is, I have never had to really apply for a job. I don't have a resume, although on paper my work ethic looks stellar. Jobs have always just fallen in my lap before. I am not so sure I am feeling called to be in Youth Ministry anymore. But then again I think I've been ignoring God so we'll see if it comes back since I've realized the error of my ways. Anyone know of any jobs, no insurance claims (Sorry Justin.) I'm great at working with people, typing, selling....pretty much anything I put my mind to. I'm fun, well if you are reading this you probably know that anyway ;o)

3. I've been ignorant to what God has been telling me. Not anymore. Lately in my heart I've been feeling battle. I have been accepting of things that aren't typical and that go against what I know I need. I can't do that anymore and nothing is as important to me as following my God who died for me. I've come to the realization that I can still be a 'cool Christian' but I can't let my actions lead me from my beliefs. I want to feel God smile. And if thats losing people in my life I know God has his plan. Although I am not ready to throw in the towel I'm taking my own direction, if other's follow...then so be it.

Thats my fart in a nutshell. (That sounds sooooo disgusting but I'm delerious from boredom at work!!!!!)

My reason to smile: I will be the ripe old age of 22 on Monday....and I for once don't have any expectations. I love it.

Holiday Cheer

If you've kept up on my blog posts (they aren't as frequent recently) but you'll know how I have felt about Christmas. The unnecessary MONTH of Christmas songs on WCIC and even spreading to the country stations as well, was the icing to the cake. If it weren't the time we celebrated the birth of our Lord and Savior, I could do without Christmas. This year my holiday was a bit different.

I went up to my dad's side of the family for the first time in about 10 years. Due to work and my sister's family it was just easier to stay here. Well this year I realized how much I appreciate my family. The Christmas dinner was so amazing, partially due to the company. My only regret was that I had to leave before dinner was over so I could make it to work by 7pm Christmas night. (So I left around 4:45 from the north suburbs and clocked in at 7:05pm.) Thankfully there were no police out that night. We still celebrated Christmas with my mom's side of the family, and even that was better then years past. I think it's because my family is growing up. The grandkids are almost all 21 and its like we WANTED to be there.

I think this year was the change in my heart. I'm excited for next Christmas. ;o)

Relationships

I'm not a pro at this...and the past few weeks my mind has been a battlefield. By personal experience and watching Christian relationships first hand I have seen a lot of crap go on and be justified just because its a "Christian relationship". I am struggling. Let me digress:

I was in a Christian relationship and we would push the envelope regarding our boundaries (not just physical) but I never felt convicted. I think it was because we both had God in our hearts. We talked about everything; our struggles and our desires. We would both fall into temptation but I think there was a peace about it because typically we would both ask for forgiveness. Now being in a relationship with a non-Christian I struggle a lot internally. I watch my actions closer and the second I begin justifying things the battle begins. I don't feel okay with things. I am holding myself to a higher standard but the frustrating part about it, and what I don't understand is..why am I doing it now that he doesn't follow Christ? I didn't seem to care much about it until after the fact when I was in a Christian relationship, but now its all thats on my mind.

I don't get it.

Day #1.

I have noticed the past few weeks how much I eat out. I use the excuses that I'm always on the run, or that I have nothing in my house to eat..but I was adding up how much money I'm blowing on eating out. The convienence of having someone else prepare the food and clean up the mess is definately worth the cost I will admit. But as I complain about being broke I must make changes to my lifestyle. Therefor I am setting new guidelines for my eating habits.

1. I can eat out once maybe twice a week.
2. It doesn't count if I don't pay for the meal. (ie. lunch at work, hot dates..you know)
3. The minute I win the lottery I can eat whatever I want.

I have noticed eating out does it's part in helping pack on the pounds. (not my favorite thing either.) Let's see how long this challenge can last!!

My reason to smile: the macaroni and cheese and chicken nuggets I had for lunch. the macaroni was actually really good...but I felt like a 1st grader.

Reason #94- Why Holidays suck.

Okay so I'm not THAT big of a scrooge and I have not made a list up to almost a hundred reasons why the holidays aren't my favorite...but this reason is up there.

Ever since I was little it has been a huge deal of having Christmas either at my mom's or dad's. We used to have a schedule in which we followed Thanksgiving here, Christmas there and the next year it switched. But it was never okay. Someone always had a problem every holiday. I got to thinking today when I had to make a tough phone call, that maybe this is why my holidays have been so commercialized. Worrying about presents, who was going to bring what to the Thanksgiving and not about the fact of being together. As I grew older and began working I have spent holidays around Peoria. Then it has become a ritual to go celebrate Christmas at my dads at the end of January. This has been ritual for about 8+ years. I have decided to go to my dad's family's for Christmas.

Preparing to make the call that could twerk off some people the only thing I could do was pray. I'm not good at conflict anymore. I prepared myself for the dissapointment from my grandma but in my heart I knew I had to be with the Schultz's this Christmas. I know this will be an emotional holiday...I just hate being torn. I have made the decision and will be leaving for Chicago on Sunday morning. This is a prime example of why I do not agree with divorce.

My reason to smile: The work christmas party is tomorrow and my sister is coming into town for it!!!! I can't wait!!!

Memory Lane

Maybe it's the holidays, or the fact that everyone I've grown up with is starting their lives...but I feel old. Many of my friends are already married, getting married, having children, and graduating college. I have been blessed with two friendships that no matter what happens in our lives we will always spring back together. We know each other's strengths, and understand the weaknesses. I had lunch with my two best friends the other day and thats when I really felt old. I decided to do the memory lane trip and got all of my photos from my mom's house. HOW HILARIOUS! I wish I had a scanner to post some of the pictures because you would never believe its me.

With all of this said...I graduate in one semester. That means real world. Today I started to understand how scary that really is. I have all of these hopes and wishes but I just pray that God prepares me for what will come.

PS: Sorry my blogs have been kind of lame, my fire is a little low lately. I need a reconfiguration of my heart.

Wonderfully Challenged

I've been thinking lately about challenges that God places in people's lives. It is so easy to get overwhelmed with everyday life. Trying to be a Christ follower, when times get tough I look at people who seem to have it pretty easy...non-Christians. There isn't that standard...or feeling that everyone is watching you just waiting for you to fail. It blows my mind how easy it was to swear and drink when I was a non-Christian...I didn't even think twice. Now that I have commited myself and have started living my life out loud I notice everytime. There are times when life just seems to bog down everything good....it hasn't been that way for me in a while, but I can relate when it happens to others. It's so easy to go the route of not caring. But when you care the most, its the hardest.

I feel God is challenging me. Not in a bad way. But I've prayed for certain doors to be closed if they are not good for me, and even when I have tried to close these doors...it hasn't worked. Maybe this is it? Maybe I am supposed to be challenged and have my spirituality stretched. I have never felt closer to God then I do right now, even dating a non-Christian. I see something different....and my faith in knowing the miracles God has performed in my heart makes me okay with it...I just pray I can be His light and not lose sight. What a wonderful challenge.

My reason to smile: Life ;o)

Good Convo..Great friend.

You know its a good friendship when you can talk for 45 minutes, not realize where the time has gone AND not have to search for anything to talk about. For her protection, and her husbands lack of knowledge regarding the 45 minute cell phone chat, I will leave all names out. If anyone heard our whole conversation they would think we were some strange people!! I love it! I am truely blessed to have someone like her in my life.

When I was little I had a dream I had to carry my sister's baby..when I was still in high school. Now the story has changed and she's had three beautiful babies, and we'll see if its God's plan for me to have children...but anyway...my thought: (and I'd love feedback) I wonder what God would think about being a surrogate parent. For example: If my married couple friends asked me to carry their baby for them, with me single and not doing the deed to get the seed, what would God think about that? Is it a sin?

My blog shout-out of the day: This goes out to the stay at home mom's who get frustrated when no one posts anything!!! ;o) Thats you Summer and Vicki!

Long time coming...

It has been probably a month or two since I've felt this way. Down. Depressed. On the verge of tears. I layed in bed last night tossing and turning and my eyes filling up with tears. Yet I didn't know why. I went to church this morning, only to leave more depressed. (There is something about holiday sermons that make me feel like crap coming from a split household.) Today's sermon was how to make a house a home. Well most likely it will be years before I am able to create my own home, so during sermons like this morning I analyze my family.

I have finished my treatments, and in all honesty I think I am feeling this way because my body doesn't know what to do. This week was when I should have gotten another shot but since I'm not my body is throwing me into massive flashes and evidently mood swings. I'm starting to get nervous because throughout the treatment I never thought what I would be like after the 6 months. I decided to look it up online today...bad idea. I found negative feedback. Let me just tell you that when you are in a weird mood it is not the time to begin searching for health concerns. This situation is forcing me to turn to God. I guess all in all it will be worth it, whatever the outcome.

Tuesday is a huge day for me. I feel sometimes like I drop the ball in my academics. I don't have much desire but then when it comes to the end of the year I feel bad and try to make up for the whole semester. Big semester long projects are becoming due, and frankly I don't have much of a desire to do them. I know I have to and thats what kills me. I have one week left of this semester and I can't wait! Well...back to work. (It's sooooo slow but I guess it'll give me a chance to work on my thigns due on Tuesday)

My reason to smile: Watching the Bears game today at work in high def.

Thanksgiving

To me Thanksgiving has never really been a holiday. This year wasn't much different. I worked half of a normal morning shift and drove to Bloomington to eat dinner at my sisters. This was the first year they had it at their house, and we did it so the baby wouldn't have to come to Peoria. Usually we will go to my aunts house, or have dinner at my mom's. Rounding the dinner table last night was my sister, her husband, my neiece and nephew, my mother and myself. We had way to much food for just us 6. We don't have the normal Thanksgiving where families from all around get together.

As I was driving to Bloomington, it was such a gorgeous day, I got this idea that I should write a book. I'm not saying my writing skills are good enough by any means. I would definately need an editor. But I literally thought out all of the logistics of my book in the 35 minute drive. Who knows, maybe one day you'll be reading my book instead of my blog.

The purpose of this blog was to comment on how kids say the darnest things. They really do. My neiece, going to be 5 in January, literally brought me to tears yesterday. Her comment was so pure and sweet that I couldn't help but shed a few. After dinner last night I was laying down on the couch holding my baby nephew. It's amazing to watch the facial expressions babies make when they sleep, anywho. Ethan was sleeping and he smiled at me. Sydney was stand right next to me and said, "Cece, (its the nickname they call me since they couldnt say Leslie) he is smiling at you because he loves you." How freaking cute. It was then my eyes filled with water and I was thanking God for my beautiful family.

My reason to smile: I have 20 more minutes of work and I have all day off tomorrow!!!!

Blast from the past..

I feel like I'm a kid again. You know, the age when you do something because you see other people doing it and think its okay..

Lately I've been doing some things that are a little out of character for me. Well I guess its not so much out of character, its just something different. I haven't felt convicted about it, and I personally am in a limbo with ideas of right and wrong. I feel God is putting me in a specific position and I'm taking it to the next level. Here's the thing...I look at other Christian relationships and blend them together to create an ideal relationship for myself. The problem with that is the fact that each of the Christian relationships are at different levels. I have the ability to choose the level of different aspects that I want. But I guess here is my question...besides prayer, how will I know which ideal to follow? (Trust me I've been a prayin)


My reason to smile: thats for me to know and you to find out ;o)

Under Fire

My mind has been constantly under fire. Wheels keep turning, and nothing positive is coming out. I think I am definately being put under attack and A) I don't know why B) Pray that I get through it.

As I layed in bed last night, marking the worst possible attempt at 'sleep' I probaby have had in my entire life, I put myself under the microscope. The worst part about that is I know I am my own worst enemy and can pick myself apart, causing hours and hours of scrutiny. "Why am I not good enough" "Why did I do that" "I really shouldn't have eaten that much today" "I am so stupid"...the list goes on and on. What the hardest part about it was I was in constant prayer. I still didn't feel okay. My legs were twitching, I was shivering yet under the covers in sweatpants, and tossing and turning the whole night. I chalked it up to not feeling well, but this was truely some kind of sickness.

It's a busy week...there's no time to fall short.


My reason to smile today: Summer Sletten. (and baby Lyza of course!)

What happens in Vegas...

Does not seem to stay there. Yesterday I got home from my second trip to Vegas in one month. Two totally different vacations, but both times the wheels in my mind were turning when I was on my way home. I went with some of my friends that I lead Young Life with. We stayed on the Vegas strip so I got to see a lot more of the city than I did when I stayed a little while away.

The thoughts started happening while I was laying by the pool. (Be jealous). Why is it so easy to become disconnected from God when you are in such a place? Your views aren't changed but it is almost as if you put God on the back burner. (Keeping Him in your heart, not living outloud.) As soon as I was driving back contemplating my justification of the weekend, it was like I was dialing into God again. What the crap!?! It's as if while you are in the midst of sin you don't make an effort to grow. Yea, I brought my Bible. But the shining lights of the casino took my time. (example folks, I didn't spend toooooo much time gambling) After my second trip I was so in tune with how I felt about the things going on there. When I went back, same problem. But its like when I am in the midwest I am so wise. I just don't get it.


My reason to smile: Fall weekend this weekend for Young Life!

Sin.

What a disease. I have had conviction resignating in my heart all morning and it seriously makes me sick. (I did however pray for it, so don't feel pity) Let me digress:

Sin is never ending. I believe that when you become a Christian, and turn your heart over to God you will still knowingly sin. You will be learning to love God but still getting the courage to ditch your life apart from God, your past. For me, it took a few years for things all to fall into place. I still struggle, or fall but it has been with different things then it was when I first became a Christian. What I don't understand, and its causing me heartache today, is why do we still commit sin when we know in our heart it is wrong?

God's whispers were in my head, my cross was hanging from my neck. I knew that what I was subjecting myself would not benefit me in any way, yet I did not stop it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Now by ommitting the situation and talking in generalities I am sure people have extreme thoughts running through their heads, don't worry, it's not life altering.

Here's my question. If we as Christ followers know where we are in our walk, know in our hearts what is right and wrong, then why on earth do we still go through the crap? Not all of the time. I believe there can be a great stretch where you are constantly learning more and striving to satisfy God's desires for our lives, but what about the times when your past struggles come face to face with today. I am so dissapointed in myself because I know what I need and know what to do, but I let it slip.


My reason to smile: Spending time with Alyssa and walking to class only to experience a man in a car bumping "White and Diry" by Weird Al with all the windows down. hahahaha Great experience!

Thursday Nights

These are the nights I look foward to the most. Small group night. I have found a group filled with amazing dynamics, overflowing hearts and vast passion to grow spiritually. I would have never imagined myself to ever get this lucky, but I found a group that I look forward to the years to come. I highly recommend to anyone out there that loves community to find a small group, or start one of your own! (Many small groups have it 'small' to build intimacy and its hard to join one once it has started)

The part I love the most is when we split up for girl time. I think the guys get frustrated with us (especially the ones who carpool) because we talk for hours, literally. It's such a blessing to have a group of girls where I can share anything on my heart and to have them feel the same.

Small group always gives me issues to reflect on and work on bettering myself. (I'm sure I'll blog on that topic more later!!!!)

My reason to smile: My amazing small group.

Two Week Wrap Up

I can't tell you how eventful my past two weeks have been. Some of the stuff I do is routine but when I come home from the daily grind I just keep finding stuff to do around the house. Tonight is the first night in a long time that I'm just trying to relax. (I bet any amount of money I will start cleaning or rearranging.)

The house is beautiful. It's definately becoming more 'home'. Last night we had our first official get together, or Halloween party if you will. It went over really well. Although I'm not used to being a party host, I constantly felt I should be doing something to entertain everyone. But I think our window connecting the kitchen to the living room entertained everyone just as good. (I have never seen as many people just cross through a window instead of walking around.)

The Nexus Retreat was exactly what I needed. I have not been that active since probably before I got sick. Let me tell you that my body was screaming at me for days! Brandon, the speaker, was talking about how we distract ourselves with idols, and before I posted this blog I read my last post. How selfish am I? Worried about not having Internet?!? Wow...I need to recheck myself.

I got my final treatment today!!! I can't express how excited I am to feel 'normal' in a month!! Let's hope all of my problems will no longer be problems!!! I have a trick or treating story to tell you all but since Charlie tells me my blogs are too long...I'll save it for next time!! ;o)

My reason to smile: a peaceful night in my house!!

Nice MOOOOOOVe

It's been forever since I have blogged!! A lot has happened in my life, I don't even know where to begin!

Well I have finally moved out of the nest, again, and into a house with two of my friends. It's been two nights and it still doesn't feel like 'home', but I can definately tell it will be soon. We don't have internet yet, which is KILLING me. I feel so disconnected from the world. I mean when I check my bloglines it takes me forever to read everyone's!! I need THE INTERNET!! (But due to lack of funds I don't know when thats going to be possible) I wish my neighbors had wireless internet so I could just borrow theirs...don't judge me.

This move has put me financially strapped. Okay, maybe not just the move, but other things as well. I don't know if I blogged about it but I quit my second job at Kellehers. Time was not on my side and I was scheduled to be gone most weekends this fall. I felt confident in my finances knowing that it would be hard, but God was putting something in my heart and I knew I had to do it. I took a leap of faith, and am trying to live faithfully knowing God will provide. I sometimes wish all of my bills would be paid off and I would be left with nothing. I could then rely on God to provide and not give me bad credit! ;o)

This weekend we have the Nexus retreat and I can't tell you how excited I am for it! (I just have to find the money to pay for it!!!!)

my reason to smile: my beautiful house and beautiful roomates!

Comic Relief

The past week has been nothing but a ball of stress. I was living in the hospital, gladly, for 4 days and school was running its course once I got back. Not only with struggles I always have, but with moving next Wednesday and Young Life and fighting getting sick...my body feels like its breaking down. I sleep but when I wake up it feels as though I haven't. Let me just say God has definately been my strength.
I am a firm believer that its okay to be stressed out, just NOT ALL THE TIME. I love to laugh I love to make people laugh and I really don't think there is a lot in this world that should bog people down. Well in the midst of my serious 5 days straight, I think God wanted me to have a bit of comic relief. Granted I didn't think this story I'm about to tell was funny at the time, but now that I look at it..I know God was telling me to smile.

So I was walking out of the library the other day to my car. I was going to stop by my friend Alyssa's house so I had my phone out and I was calling her. Suddenly I felt a branch brush my head and my bag (I don't believe in book bags, just large enough bags to fit my books) was carry extra weight. I look over my right shoulder only to find a HUGE FURRY PUFF of a tail. A SQUIRREL.... A FRICKIN SQUIRREL HAD FALLEN INTO/ON MY BAG!!!!! Murryl, we'll call him, fell or jumped from the tree branch RIGHT ON TOP OF ME. Of course I did the only normal thing and screamed "HOLY S***" and threw my bag then ran away. Murryl then scattered away as I was doubled over trying to catch my breath. My heart was beating so fast!!! The worst part, besides the possible rabies that are spread in my bag, is that a group of fraternity men were walking by and witnessed the whole thing. How embarrassing!

I know I will NEVER look at a squirrel the same way!

My reason to smile: IF this happened to you, how could you NOT?

Prayer Request

Saturday night I get a phone call from my mom telling me my sister's water broke. Great. Minus the fact that she was due in December. After spending hours at the hospital they decided they couldn't wait any longer to transfer her to Peoria due to excessive blood loss. They performed an emergency c-section. He was born 4lbs and 14 ounches, 18.5in long. 1:54 in the morning on 10/15/2006. Baby Ethan Michael was then transported to the Peoria Children's Hospital, but my sister has to stay here in Bloomington. He's doing well but his poor little lungs haven't developed. Its hard for my sister to be here while the baby is there....but she is healing exceptionally well! If you could just pray for strength not only for my sister but for baby Ethan I would appreciate it! I don't know what my schedule is going to be like...and I'm fighting a cold. (The lack of sleep hasn't helped at all) It's bee a great experience to be here with my sister and watch as she goes through this all. But it is wearing down on us all.

PS: My reason to smile.....Seeing God's miracles so close to home.

The New Age

I've always been in a hurry to grow up, and I don't know why. Maybe its the different circumstances I faced as a child, or the fact that I have always hung around people older than myself. People have always been telling me to slow down and be patient. When I was in highschool people told me "college is the time of your life". But honestly, I've been through 3 1/2 years and I'm still waiting for it to come true. I was thinking the other day how I don't think I am the type of person to fall in love with college. I have fallen in love with the idea of the next stage in life.

I was trying to list the things I was excited for. Here's what I came up with:
1. Graduating college
2. Finding a full time job
3. Getting married
4. Buying a house
5. Starting a family

Most people don't want college to end, I wanted it to end right after it started. I can only be patient for this next stage of my life. I suppose right now I have to live vicariously through my friends that are getting married and having children. One day....one day.

My reason to smile: um....I dont know? Today its hard because I am sick and at work and its soooo slow and time is crawling. ;o( But I guess Nexus tonight!!!

The Barbarian Way

So I've been brewing on the topic of this blog for a day or so now. I am back from Vegas alive and well (and breaking even I might add). For my trip I borrowed a book from Bethany called The Barbarian Way. I had heard people talking about doing a book study on it, and I finally have finished all the summer reading so I thought I'd bring some plane material. I read one chapter on the way there and read the rest on the way home. Once I was into it, I couldn't stop reading it. As the pages kept turning I found so many comparisions in points that the author, Erwin Raphael McManus, stated to my life. I wish I would have had a highlighter, but I read somewhere that its rude to write in borrowed books. The ideas in this blog came from the book revamped with my ideas and thoughts.

I would have never considered myself or my faith 'barbarian-like', but after reading this book I want to strive to reach nothing else. There are two types of Christians. Stale church Christians that get caught up in the routine of religion. Then there are Christ followers who have no other mission in life but to win the war we face. Christians go to church, follow the rules, and strive to be a better person. Christ followers want people to know who Christ is, what He has sacrificed for us, and base all of their actions on love. I LOVE love. But I get so caught up in doing the right thing as a Christian that I forget that I am desired to be something more than just a person who follows the rules and strives to do good.

Another idea that I loved from this book is the fact that as soon as you accept Jesus as Lord, realize we as humans are nothing alone, a change starts to take place in your heart. For me it was instant but the goodness faded away. But a change took place. A fire started that I turned my back on it when all I needed was to put a few more logs on to burn. Throughout the years I may not have been a follower of Christ but whenever someone said something about God, I heard them. Eventually it built up enough to change my heart, entirely. But how are non-Christ followers supposed to hear about God? Christians go to church and keep their religion to themselves. Barbarian Christ followers are needed to run around the town naked (imagery folks..) and catch the eyes of non-belivers. We need to be in places where there are non believers, not just the comfort of Christ followers. After we are there, its up to God to soften hearts.

There were so many other points that are still brewing in my mind, and I can guarantee (sp) in the next few days if I see you, I'd be glad to tell you my thoughts. This book as made me realize a lot about my life, and reading it while I was in the city of sin was probably the best thing I could do! (I will post on Vegas later) I highly recommend it, its a quick but powerful read!


My reason to smile: I have way to many. ;o)

Battle of the Sexes

I've never played the board game, though at times life between guys and girls is a game in itself. One of my professors gets heated about the subject of Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, because we are different but studies have shown we are more alike than anything. I've been thinking a lot about guys and girls and my relationships with the two.

I have always been friends with guys. Which is good and bad for different reasons. There's not that competitive aspect to a relationship with a man, they just don't care. You get dating blunt dating advice, and you don't have to dress up for them. The downfalls tend to be that everyone thinks I'm either flirting or a tom boy, and I always end up just being "one of the guys". You know, always a bridesmaid never a bride. Well lately, and don't get me wrong I LOVE my guy friends, but I've been doing the girl thing. Last night two of my girl friends and I sat at my house and just were able to talk about everything. (Mostly guys of course) But its been such a blessing to be able to connect with my girl friends.

I can't begin to tell you how excited I am for tomorrow. I leave for Vegas! 5 nights! With 10 of my college girl friends. No work. No school...ahhhhh I could just scream out loud. Now the last real vacation I took was about a year and a half ago. And I need this now more than ever! I have to say though I am a little nervous. Vegas is SIN CITY, the city that doesn't sleep, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas...you catch my drift? Now one major aspect that I am lacking which could be a good thing is money. I can't afford to get myself into too much trouble. Actually I see it as a great challenge. I mean 10 girls out on the town for 5 days! Who knows, maybe I'll find my husband and get hitched in a one-stop wedding shop. (Brittany Spears did it, why can't I?) Just keep your fingers crossed that I strike it rich on the penny slots, or that I find a million dollar chip. (I kinda wish I had money to play hold 'em....but I don't)I'll be back late Tuesday night.....so until then my friends. VEGAS or BUST! ;o)

My reason to smile: It was a beautiful sky this morning! AND we signed a lease for a house!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;o) (More about that on a later blog)

Crime and Society

At the beginning of the semester I was signed up for a Computer Data Class. I was not only the ONLY female in the room but my friend looked at me, laughed, and said "What are YOU doing in here" on the first day. So because Bradley University has a stupid rule that you have to have a certain amount of university hours to graduate, I decided to take a class called "Crime and Society". Yes, this is the class that I have only sat through the entirety a handfull of times. Thursday, I made it almost an hour before leaving!

I had every intention of actually staying the whole time, and the only reason I stayed that long was because the instructor was talking about something that I had a hard time dealing with. I even raised my hand and participated in class (in a lecture hall for that matter....50-75 people!!) The class consists of him talking in monotone for 1 hour and 15 minutes two times a week, a midterm and a final of 2 essays each. We were discussing the questions for the midterm on Thursday and I believe I am a COM major for a reason.

Dr Zantz (I think that's his name) was explaining that each essay we were to just explain how we understand the answer to be. In lamens terms, or what I understand it to be, its how society shapes our views. We know things because we've been taught and things happen because thats how they have always been. So I decided to ask if we'd be penalized for putting our views into the essay. I disagreed with the explanation of the world being this horrible JUST BECAUSE. After I clarified my disagreement with the teacher for religious reasons he preceded to tell me.. "Most of the times people are so scared to think outside of their own box because they don't want to see a subject from a different view. They are scared that they might like the view, risk their morals and change their opinion." Oh HECK NO! I was being told that I was scared to see things from a sociological perspective because I was so insecure in my faith that I was afraid I'd change my view. I decided to leave class after that.

So there is my justification for never going to this class... ;)


My reason to smile: I filled my tank with gas and it ONLY cost me $43.00!!!!!