Holiday Cheer

If you've kept up on my blog posts (they aren't as frequent recently) but you'll know how I have felt about Christmas. The unnecessary MONTH of Christmas songs on WCIC and even spreading to the country stations as well, was the icing to the cake. If it weren't the time we celebrated the birth of our Lord and Savior, I could do without Christmas. This year my holiday was a bit different.

I went up to my dad's side of the family for the first time in about 10 years. Due to work and my sister's family it was just easier to stay here. Well this year I realized how much I appreciate my family. The Christmas dinner was so amazing, partially due to the company. My only regret was that I had to leave before dinner was over so I could make it to work by 7pm Christmas night. (So I left around 4:45 from the north suburbs and clocked in at 7:05pm.) Thankfully there were no police out that night. We still celebrated Christmas with my mom's side of the family, and even that was better then years past. I think it's because my family is growing up. The grandkids are almost all 21 and its like we WANTED to be there.

I think this year was the change in my heart. I'm excited for next Christmas. ;o)

Relationships

I'm not a pro at this...and the past few weeks my mind has been a battlefield. By personal experience and watching Christian relationships first hand I have seen a lot of crap go on and be justified just because its a "Christian relationship". I am struggling. Let me digress:

I was in a Christian relationship and we would push the envelope regarding our boundaries (not just physical) but I never felt convicted. I think it was because we both had God in our hearts. We talked about everything; our struggles and our desires. We would both fall into temptation but I think there was a peace about it because typically we would both ask for forgiveness. Now being in a relationship with a non-Christian I struggle a lot internally. I watch my actions closer and the second I begin justifying things the battle begins. I don't feel okay with things. I am holding myself to a higher standard but the frustrating part about it, and what I don't understand is..why am I doing it now that he doesn't follow Christ? I didn't seem to care much about it until after the fact when I was in a Christian relationship, but now its all thats on my mind.

I don't get it.

Day #1.

I have noticed the past few weeks how much I eat out. I use the excuses that I'm always on the run, or that I have nothing in my house to eat..but I was adding up how much money I'm blowing on eating out. The convienence of having someone else prepare the food and clean up the mess is definately worth the cost I will admit. But as I complain about being broke I must make changes to my lifestyle. Therefor I am setting new guidelines for my eating habits.

1. I can eat out once maybe twice a week.
2. It doesn't count if I don't pay for the meal. (ie. lunch at work, hot dates..you know)
3. The minute I win the lottery I can eat whatever I want.

I have noticed eating out does it's part in helping pack on the pounds. (not my favorite thing either.) Let's see how long this challenge can last!!

My reason to smile: the macaroni and cheese and chicken nuggets I had for lunch. the macaroni was actually really good...but I felt like a 1st grader.

Reason #94- Why Holidays suck.

Okay so I'm not THAT big of a scrooge and I have not made a list up to almost a hundred reasons why the holidays aren't my favorite...but this reason is up there.

Ever since I was little it has been a huge deal of having Christmas either at my mom's or dad's. We used to have a schedule in which we followed Thanksgiving here, Christmas there and the next year it switched. But it was never okay. Someone always had a problem every holiday. I got to thinking today when I had to make a tough phone call, that maybe this is why my holidays have been so commercialized. Worrying about presents, who was going to bring what to the Thanksgiving and not about the fact of being together. As I grew older and began working I have spent holidays around Peoria. Then it has become a ritual to go celebrate Christmas at my dads at the end of January. This has been ritual for about 8+ years. I have decided to go to my dad's family's for Christmas.

Preparing to make the call that could twerk off some people the only thing I could do was pray. I'm not good at conflict anymore. I prepared myself for the dissapointment from my grandma but in my heart I knew I had to be with the Schultz's this Christmas. I know this will be an emotional holiday...I just hate being torn. I have made the decision and will be leaving for Chicago on Sunday morning. This is a prime example of why I do not agree with divorce.

My reason to smile: The work christmas party is tomorrow and my sister is coming into town for it!!!! I can't wait!!!

Memory Lane

Maybe it's the holidays, or the fact that everyone I've grown up with is starting their lives...but I feel old. Many of my friends are already married, getting married, having children, and graduating college. I have been blessed with two friendships that no matter what happens in our lives we will always spring back together. We know each other's strengths, and understand the weaknesses. I had lunch with my two best friends the other day and thats when I really felt old. I decided to do the memory lane trip and got all of my photos from my mom's house. HOW HILARIOUS! I wish I had a scanner to post some of the pictures because you would never believe its me.

With all of this said...I graduate in one semester. That means real world. Today I started to understand how scary that really is. I have all of these hopes and wishes but I just pray that God prepares me for what will come.

PS: Sorry my blogs have been kind of lame, my fire is a little low lately. I need a reconfiguration of my heart.

Wonderfully Challenged

I've been thinking lately about challenges that God places in people's lives. It is so easy to get overwhelmed with everyday life. Trying to be a Christ follower, when times get tough I look at people who seem to have it pretty easy...non-Christians. There isn't that standard...or feeling that everyone is watching you just waiting for you to fail. It blows my mind how easy it was to swear and drink when I was a non-Christian...I didn't even think twice. Now that I have commited myself and have started living my life out loud I notice everytime. There are times when life just seems to bog down everything good....it hasn't been that way for me in a while, but I can relate when it happens to others. It's so easy to go the route of not caring. But when you care the most, its the hardest.

I feel God is challenging me. Not in a bad way. But I've prayed for certain doors to be closed if they are not good for me, and even when I have tried to close these doors...it hasn't worked. Maybe this is it? Maybe I am supposed to be challenged and have my spirituality stretched. I have never felt closer to God then I do right now, even dating a non-Christian. I see something different....and my faith in knowing the miracles God has performed in my heart makes me okay with it...I just pray I can be His light and not lose sight. What a wonderful challenge.

My reason to smile: Life ;o)

Good Convo..Great friend.

You know its a good friendship when you can talk for 45 minutes, not realize where the time has gone AND not have to search for anything to talk about. For her protection, and her husbands lack of knowledge regarding the 45 minute cell phone chat, I will leave all names out. If anyone heard our whole conversation they would think we were some strange people!! I love it! I am truely blessed to have someone like her in my life.

When I was little I had a dream I had to carry my sister's baby..when I was still in high school. Now the story has changed and she's had three beautiful babies, and we'll see if its God's plan for me to have children...but anyway...my thought: (and I'd love feedback) I wonder what God would think about being a surrogate parent. For example: If my married couple friends asked me to carry their baby for them, with me single and not doing the deed to get the seed, what would God think about that? Is it a sin?

My blog shout-out of the day: This goes out to the stay at home mom's who get frustrated when no one posts anything!!! ;o) Thats you Summer and Vicki!

Long time coming...

It has been probably a month or two since I've felt this way. Down. Depressed. On the verge of tears. I layed in bed last night tossing and turning and my eyes filling up with tears. Yet I didn't know why. I went to church this morning, only to leave more depressed. (There is something about holiday sermons that make me feel like crap coming from a split household.) Today's sermon was how to make a house a home. Well most likely it will be years before I am able to create my own home, so during sermons like this morning I analyze my family.

I have finished my treatments, and in all honesty I think I am feeling this way because my body doesn't know what to do. This week was when I should have gotten another shot but since I'm not my body is throwing me into massive flashes and evidently mood swings. I'm starting to get nervous because throughout the treatment I never thought what I would be like after the 6 months. I decided to look it up online today...bad idea. I found negative feedback. Let me just tell you that when you are in a weird mood it is not the time to begin searching for health concerns. This situation is forcing me to turn to God. I guess all in all it will be worth it, whatever the outcome.

Tuesday is a huge day for me. I feel sometimes like I drop the ball in my academics. I don't have much desire but then when it comes to the end of the year I feel bad and try to make up for the whole semester. Big semester long projects are becoming due, and frankly I don't have much of a desire to do them. I know I have to and thats what kills me. I have one week left of this semester and I can't wait! Well...back to work. (It's sooooo slow but I guess it'll give me a chance to work on my thigns due on Tuesday)

My reason to smile: Watching the Bears game today at work in high def.

Thanksgiving

To me Thanksgiving has never really been a holiday. This year wasn't much different. I worked half of a normal morning shift and drove to Bloomington to eat dinner at my sisters. This was the first year they had it at their house, and we did it so the baby wouldn't have to come to Peoria. Usually we will go to my aunts house, or have dinner at my mom's. Rounding the dinner table last night was my sister, her husband, my neiece and nephew, my mother and myself. We had way to much food for just us 6. We don't have the normal Thanksgiving where families from all around get together.

As I was driving to Bloomington, it was such a gorgeous day, I got this idea that I should write a book. I'm not saying my writing skills are good enough by any means. I would definately need an editor. But I literally thought out all of the logistics of my book in the 35 minute drive. Who knows, maybe one day you'll be reading my book instead of my blog.

The purpose of this blog was to comment on how kids say the darnest things. They really do. My neiece, going to be 5 in January, literally brought me to tears yesterday. Her comment was so pure and sweet that I couldn't help but shed a few. After dinner last night I was laying down on the couch holding my baby nephew. It's amazing to watch the facial expressions babies make when they sleep, anywho. Ethan was sleeping and he smiled at me. Sydney was stand right next to me and said, "Cece, (its the nickname they call me since they couldnt say Leslie) he is smiling at you because he loves you." How freaking cute. It was then my eyes filled with water and I was thanking God for my beautiful family.

My reason to smile: I have 20 more minutes of work and I have all day off tomorrow!!!!

Blast from the past..

I feel like I'm a kid again. You know, the age when you do something because you see other people doing it and think its okay..

Lately I've been doing some things that are a little out of character for me. Well I guess its not so much out of character, its just something different. I haven't felt convicted about it, and I personally am in a limbo with ideas of right and wrong. I feel God is putting me in a specific position and I'm taking it to the next level. Here's the thing...I look at other Christian relationships and blend them together to create an ideal relationship for myself. The problem with that is the fact that each of the Christian relationships are at different levels. I have the ability to choose the level of different aspects that I want. But I guess here is my question...besides prayer, how will I know which ideal to follow? (Trust me I've been a prayin)


My reason to smile: thats for me to know and you to find out ;o)

Under Fire

My mind has been constantly under fire. Wheels keep turning, and nothing positive is coming out. I think I am definately being put under attack and A) I don't know why B) Pray that I get through it.

As I layed in bed last night, marking the worst possible attempt at 'sleep' I probaby have had in my entire life, I put myself under the microscope. The worst part about that is I know I am my own worst enemy and can pick myself apart, causing hours and hours of scrutiny. "Why am I not good enough" "Why did I do that" "I really shouldn't have eaten that much today" "I am so stupid"...the list goes on and on. What the hardest part about it was I was in constant prayer. I still didn't feel okay. My legs were twitching, I was shivering yet under the covers in sweatpants, and tossing and turning the whole night. I chalked it up to not feeling well, but this was truely some kind of sickness.

It's a busy week...there's no time to fall short.


My reason to smile today: Summer Sletten. (and baby Lyza of course!)

What happens in Vegas...

Does not seem to stay there. Yesterday I got home from my second trip to Vegas in one month. Two totally different vacations, but both times the wheels in my mind were turning when I was on my way home. I went with some of my friends that I lead Young Life with. We stayed on the Vegas strip so I got to see a lot more of the city than I did when I stayed a little while away.

The thoughts started happening while I was laying by the pool. (Be jealous). Why is it so easy to become disconnected from God when you are in such a place? Your views aren't changed but it is almost as if you put God on the back burner. (Keeping Him in your heart, not living outloud.) As soon as I was driving back contemplating my justification of the weekend, it was like I was dialing into God again. What the crap!?! It's as if while you are in the midst of sin you don't make an effort to grow. Yea, I brought my Bible. But the shining lights of the casino took my time. (example folks, I didn't spend toooooo much time gambling) After my second trip I was so in tune with how I felt about the things going on there. When I went back, same problem. But its like when I am in the midwest I am so wise. I just don't get it.


My reason to smile: Fall weekend this weekend for Young Life!

Sin.

What a disease. I have had conviction resignating in my heart all morning and it seriously makes me sick. (I did however pray for it, so don't feel pity) Let me digress:

Sin is never ending. I believe that when you become a Christian, and turn your heart over to God you will still knowingly sin. You will be learning to love God but still getting the courage to ditch your life apart from God, your past. For me, it took a few years for things all to fall into place. I still struggle, or fall but it has been with different things then it was when I first became a Christian. What I don't understand, and its causing me heartache today, is why do we still commit sin when we know in our heart it is wrong?

God's whispers were in my head, my cross was hanging from my neck. I knew that what I was subjecting myself would not benefit me in any way, yet I did not stop it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Now by ommitting the situation and talking in generalities I am sure people have extreme thoughts running through their heads, don't worry, it's not life altering.

Here's my question. If we as Christ followers know where we are in our walk, know in our hearts what is right and wrong, then why on earth do we still go through the crap? Not all of the time. I believe there can be a great stretch where you are constantly learning more and striving to satisfy God's desires for our lives, but what about the times when your past struggles come face to face with today. I am so dissapointed in myself because I know what I need and know what to do, but I let it slip.


My reason to smile: Spending time with Alyssa and walking to class only to experience a man in a car bumping "White and Diry" by Weird Al with all the windows down. hahahaha Great experience!

Thursday Nights

These are the nights I look foward to the most. Small group night. I have found a group filled with amazing dynamics, overflowing hearts and vast passion to grow spiritually. I would have never imagined myself to ever get this lucky, but I found a group that I look forward to the years to come. I highly recommend to anyone out there that loves community to find a small group, or start one of your own! (Many small groups have it 'small' to build intimacy and its hard to join one once it has started)

The part I love the most is when we split up for girl time. I think the guys get frustrated with us (especially the ones who carpool) because we talk for hours, literally. It's such a blessing to have a group of girls where I can share anything on my heart and to have them feel the same.

Small group always gives me issues to reflect on and work on bettering myself. (I'm sure I'll blog on that topic more later!!!!)

My reason to smile: My amazing small group.

Two Week Wrap Up

I can't tell you how eventful my past two weeks have been. Some of the stuff I do is routine but when I come home from the daily grind I just keep finding stuff to do around the house. Tonight is the first night in a long time that I'm just trying to relax. (I bet any amount of money I will start cleaning or rearranging.)

The house is beautiful. It's definately becoming more 'home'. Last night we had our first official get together, or Halloween party if you will. It went over really well. Although I'm not used to being a party host, I constantly felt I should be doing something to entertain everyone. But I think our window connecting the kitchen to the living room entertained everyone just as good. (I have never seen as many people just cross through a window instead of walking around.)

The Nexus Retreat was exactly what I needed. I have not been that active since probably before I got sick. Let me tell you that my body was screaming at me for days! Brandon, the speaker, was talking about how we distract ourselves with idols, and before I posted this blog I read my last post. How selfish am I? Worried about not having Internet?!? Wow...I need to recheck myself.

I got my final treatment today!!! I can't express how excited I am to feel 'normal' in a month!! Let's hope all of my problems will no longer be problems!!! I have a trick or treating story to tell you all but since Charlie tells me my blogs are too long...I'll save it for next time!! ;o)

My reason to smile: a peaceful night in my house!!

Nice MOOOOOOVe

It's been forever since I have blogged!! A lot has happened in my life, I don't even know where to begin!

Well I have finally moved out of the nest, again, and into a house with two of my friends. It's been two nights and it still doesn't feel like 'home', but I can definately tell it will be soon. We don't have internet yet, which is KILLING me. I feel so disconnected from the world. I mean when I check my bloglines it takes me forever to read everyone's!! I need THE INTERNET!! (But due to lack of funds I don't know when thats going to be possible) I wish my neighbors had wireless internet so I could just borrow theirs...don't judge me.

This move has put me financially strapped. Okay, maybe not just the move, but other things as well. I don't know if I blogged about it but I quit my second job at Kellehers. Time was not on my side and I was scheduled to be gone most weekends this fall. I felt confident in my finances knowing that it would be hard, but God was putting something in my heart and I knew I had to do it. I took a leap of faith, and am trying to live faithfully knowing God will provide. I sometimes wish all of my bills would be paid off and I would be left with nothing. I could then rely on God to provide and not give me bad credit! ;o)

This weekend we have the Nexus retreat and I can't tell you how excited I am for it! (I just have to find the money to pay for it!!!!)

my reason to smile: my beautiful house and beautiful roomates!

Comic Relief

The past week has been nothing but a ball of stress. I was living in the hospital, gladly, for 4 days and school was running its course once I got back. Not only with struggles I always have, but with moving next Wednesday and Young Life and fighting getting sick...my body feels like its breaking down. I sleep but when I wake up it feels as though I haven't. Let me just say God has definately been my strength.
I am a firm believer that its okay to be stressed out, just NOT ALL THE TIME. I love to laugh I love to make people laugh and I really don't think there is a lot in this world that should bog people down. Well in the midst of my serious 5 days straight, I think God wanted me to have a bit of comic relief. Granted I didn't think this story I'm about to tell was funny at the time, but now that I look at it..I know God was telling me to smile.

So I was walking out of the library the other day to my car. I was going to stop by my friend Alyssa's house so I had my phone out and I was calling her. Suddenly I felt a branch brush my head and my bag (I don't believe in book bags, just large enough bags to fit my books) was carry extra weight. I look over my right shoulder only to find a HUGE FURRY PUFF of a tail. A SQUIRREL.... A FRICKIN SQUIRREL HAD FALLEN INTO/ON MY BAG!!!!! Murryl, we'll call him, fell or jumped from the tree branch RIGHT ON TOP OF ME. Of course I did the only normal thing and screamed "HOLY S***" and threw my bag then ran away. Murryl then scattered away as I was doubled over trying to catch my breath. My heart was beating so fast!!! The worst part, besides the possible rabies that are spread in my bag, is that a group of fraternity men were walking by and witnessed the whole thing. How embarrassing!

I know I will NEVER look at a squirrel the same way!

My reason to smile: IF this happened to you, how could you NOT?

Prayer Request

Saturday night I get a phone call from my mom telling me my sister's water broke. Great. Minus the fact that she was due in December. After spending hours at the hospital they decided they couldn't wait any longer to transfer her to Peoria due to excessive blood loss. They performed an emergency c-section. He was born 4lbs and 14 ounches, 18.5in long. 1:54 in the morning on 10/15/2006. Baby Ethan Michael was then transported to the Peoria Children's Hospital, but my sister has to stay here in Bloomington. He's doing well but his poor little lungs haven't developed. Its hard for my sister to be here while the baby is there....but she is healing exceptionally well! If you could just pray for strength not only for my sister but for baby Ethan I would appreciate it! I don't know what my schedule is going to be like...and I'm fighting a cold. (The lack of sleep hasn't helped at all) It's bee a great experience to be here with my sister and watch as she goes through this all. But it is wearing down on us all.

PS: My reason to smile.....Seeing God's miracles so close to home.

The New Age

I've always been in a hurry to grow up, and I don't know why. Maybe its the different circumstances I faced as a child, or the fact that I have always hung around people older than myself. People have always been telling me to slow down and be patient. When I was in highschool people told me "college is the time of your life". But honestly, I've been through 3 1/2 years and I'm still waiting for it to come true. I was thinking the other day how I don't think I am the type of person to fall in love with college. I have fallen in love with the idea of the next stage in life.

I was trying to list the things I was excited for. Here's what I came up with:
1. Graduating college
2. Finding a full time job
3. Getting married
4. Buying a house
5. Starting a family

Most people don't want college to end, I wanted it to end right after it started. I can only be patient for this next stage of my life. I suppose right now I have to live vicariously through my friends that are getting married and having children. One day....one day.

My reason to smile: um....I dont know? Today its hard because I am sick and at work and its soooo slow and time is crawling. ;o( But I guess Nexus tonight!!!

The Barbarian Way

So I've been brewing on the topic of this blog for a day or so now. I am back from Vegas alive and well (and breaking even I might add). For my trip I borrowed a book from Bethany called The Barbarian Way. I had heard people talking about doing a book study on it, and I finally have finished all the summer reading so I thought I'd bring some plane material. I read one chapter on the way there and read the rest on the way home. Once I was into it, I couldn't stop reading it. As the pages kept turning I found so many comparisions in points that the author, Erwin Raphael McManus, stated to my life. I wish I would have had a highlighter, but I read somewhere that its rude to write in borrowed books. The ideas in this blog came from the book revamped with my ideas and thoughts.

I would have never considered myself or my faith 'barbarian-like', but after reading this book I want to strive to reach nothing else. There are two types of Christians. Stale church Christians that get caught up in the routine of religion. Then there are Christ followers who have no other mission in life but to win the war we face. Christians go to church, follow the rules, and strive to be a better person. Christ followers want people to know who Christ is, what He has sacrificed for us, and base all of their actions on love. I LOVE love. But I get so caught up in doing the right thing as a Christian that I forget that I am desired to be something more than just a person who follows the rules and strives to do good.

Another idea that I loved from this book is the fact that as soon as you accept Jesus as Lord, realize we as humans are nothing alone, a change starts to take place in your heart. For me it was instant but the goodness faded away. But a change took place. A fire started that I turned my back on it when all I needed was to put a few more logs on to burn. Throughout the years I may not have been a follower of Christ but whenever someone said something about God, I heard them. Eventually it built up enough to change my heart, entirely. But how are non-Christ followers supposed to hear about God? Christians go to church and keep their religion to themselves. Barbarian Christ followers are needed to run around the town naked (imagery folks..) and catch the eyes of non-belivers. We need to be in places where there are non believers, not just the comfort of Christ followers. After we are there, its up to God to soften hearts.

There were so many other points that are still brewing in my mind, and I can guarantee (sp) in the next few days if I see you, I'd be glad to tell you my thoughts. This book as made me realize a lot about my life, and reading it while I was in the city of sin was probably the best thing I could do! (I will post on Vegas later) I highly recommend it, its a quick but powerful read!


My reason to smile: I have way to many. ;o)