Do you ever take a bird’s eye view on what is going on in your life? Until recently I’ve allowed myself to be buried in the crap that is my life. Worrying about the random junk in life that takes away from the enjoyment of living every day. I started reading this book that discusses character development in a story. I’m not finished with the book yet so I’m sure there will be more posts about it as I continue. I’ve already got the wheels starting and it has helped me step out of the crap and see the bigger picture.
The author, Donald Miller, starts out talking about the idea of “Story”. In my own words it’s explained as character development, dealing with adversity, and character change/end result. I get frustrated when I don’t understand why things happen in my life. Why am I the only one that seems to be dealing with this situation or another? Why do I feel discontent in life? Why are my bills so ridiculously high? Why do I get frustrated when other people let me down? When I’m stuck in the mess and crap of life this is what I see.
Just like any other American I have dealt with my share of crap. But taking an author’s perspective on the story that is my life, the crap that goes on is developing me into the person I am meant to be. Instead of just seeing every bad situation or tragedy as a bad situation or tragedy I’m being challenged to look at it as a learning experience. What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger, and in the end I will be one strong as hell woman. I see my character being developed every day. When you look at it from this view, it feels a lot better to go through the stuff then when you are stuck in the middle of it.
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Once it hits your lips
Over the past few weeks I have been participating in Old Chicago's Oktoberfest Beer Tour, at Oktoberfest in Lincoln Park, and enjoying watching football for 3 weeks with an ice cold beer.
It's Wednesday, middle of the week, no reason to celebrate, and what's on my mind? Sam Adam's Oktoberfest. Why is it that fall and beer go so nicely together?
It's Wednesday, middle of the week, no reason to celebrate, and what's on my mind? Sam Adam's Oktoberfest. Why is it that fall and beer go so nicely together?
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Living for Today
Lately I've had encounters with people who are living for today. Both individuals are in different life stages and so that choice leads down different paths. But as someone who can relate to each life stage I feel a bit torn as to what that means for me.
You have the single perspective of doing whatever you want. No kids, no family, nothing to 'hold you down'. This living for today looks more like flying by the seat of your pants and living somewhat of a carefree life. There are no worries about the future and in reality some of the situations of today don't hold much weight.
On the other hand theres the other side where there are many other aspects of life to consider. My friend in this boat has a life situation where his parents are affected and his mom may pass away any day. He's got a mortgage, wife, and holds a little more value to decisions today. When you are married or in a serious relationship that matters because you have kids or a spouse to think about.
I have to say that I'm in the middle. I don't have that weight of decisions but for some reason I can't let myself live 'carefree' like I did a majority of my life. Where's the line?
You have the single perspective of doing whatever you want. No kids, no family, nothing to 'hold you down'. This living for today looks more like flying by the seat of your pants and living somewhat of a carefree life. There are no worries about the future and in reality some of the situations of today don't hold much weight.
On the other hand theres the other side where there are many other aspects of life to consider. My friend in this boat has a life situation where his parents are affected and his mom may pass away any day. He's got a mortgage, wife, and holds a little more value to decisions today. When you are married or in a serious relationship that matters because you have kids or a spouse to think about.
I have to say that I'm in the middle. I don't have that weight of decisions but for some reason I can't let myself live 'carefree' like I did a majority of my life. Where's the line?
Thursday, September 10, 2009
3 types of people
I went to a young 'church' type gathering the other week where 20-somethings from various churches came to worship and listen to a talk. There was no doubt that the speaker was very passionate about his views and his relationship with Christ. I think the difficulty in gathering people who are used to worshipping differently is that they may walk away with a completely different message then intended. This is what I walked away with regarding the 3 types of people in the world...
The first person is the weak person that can be prayed on by good or evil. Usually the worldly things snatch this person up. They aren't strong enough in anything to stand for themselves or what they know is true. I would categorize this person as someone who is unaware of how different life could really be.
The second person is someone who knows the Bible, knows passages, claims to know Jesus and falls into sin. Their church tells them it's okay to sin, if their heart is in the right place. In my opinion, I felt as if this was presented that night as the 'luke warm' Christian.
The third person was someone who knew the Bible in and out, who proclaimed the Truth to whomever was around and who was 100% sure they knew where they were going, how they need to live their life and how to get others to follow. This person knew the Bible was the only way to salvation and it was the roadmap for hte future. Nothing else mattered but studying the Bible finding out direction. (which I don't entirely disagree with) It was clearly presented that this was the 'correct' person of the three.
Maybe it's just my past experience in finding faith, but the Bible directly did not lead me to Christ. It was the people who loved me for who I was when I was a sinner, that told me it was okay to come to Christ without being perfect that helped lead me to salvation. I felt very attacked that night because if you were to ask me, I'd say I was the second person. The 'Luke Warm" Christian if you will. I don't know the Bible in and out, I make mistakes, I have fellow believers who support me through those mistakes, but I KNOW where my heart is. It's a journey we make in becoming like Jesus. I would rather be the person exploring my faith and changing every day because of the fact that Christ has my heart then the one who is so sure of everything that may tend to slip into the person that isn't very Christlike, the 'Know it All" type of Christian.
No matter what person you are, love God, love others, and you'll do just fine.
The first person is the weak person that can be prayed on by good or evil. Usually the worldly things snatch this person up. They aren't strong enough in anything to stand for themselves or what they know is true. I would categorize this person as someone who is unaware of how different life could really be.
The second person is someone who knows the Bible, knows passages, claims to know Jesus and falls into sin. Their church tells them it's okay to sin, if their heart is in the right place. In my opinion, I felt as if this was presented that night as the 'luke warm' Christian.
The third person was someone who knew the Bible in and out, who proclaimed the Truth to whomever was around and who was 100% sure they knew where they were going, how they need to live their life and how to get others to follow. This person knew the Bible was the only way to salvation and it was the roadmap for hte future. Nothing else mattered but studying the Bible finding out direction. (which I don't entirely disagree with) It was clearly presented that this was the 'correct' person of the three.
Maybe it's just my past experience in finding faith, but the Bible directly did not lead me to Christ. It was the people who loved me for who I was when I was a sinner, that told me it was okay to come to Christ without being perfect that helped lead me to salvation. I felt very attacked that night because if you were to ask me, I'd say I was the second person. The 'Luke Warm" Christian if you will. I don't know the Bible in and out, I make mistakes, I have fellow believers who support me through those mistakes, but I KNOW where my heart is. It's a journey we make in becoming like Jesus. I would rather be the person exploring my faith and changing every day because of the fact that Christ has my heart then the one who is so sure of everything that may tend to slip into the person that isn't very Christlike, the 'Know it All" type of Christian.
No matter what person you are, love God, love others, and you'll do just fine.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Sin Exposed
I had the opportunity to have coffee with a friend last week and it started getting my thought process going. We were discussing the difficulty of keeping in mind that all sins are viewed equally becuase it seems there are the those 'bad sins' that everyone thinks are worse.
Unfortunately there are times when are sins are exposed and we recieve judgement from those who witness them. For example, an out of marriage pregnancy. There's no hiding the fact that you struggle with sexual temptation. But what about the sins that aren't really noticeable by others? Pornography, selfishness, judging others, etc.
We all struggle with different things, so this week I would like to see those who are ready to pass judgement on others for their sin, to take a second to look in the mirror. Grant that grace that God gives us every day to those who may need it more then you understand.
Unfortunately there are times when are sins are exposed and we recieve judgement from those who witness them. For example, an out of marriage pregnancy. There's no hiding the fact that you struggle with sexual temptation. But what about the sins that aren't really noticeable by others? Pornography, selfishness, judging others, etc.
We all struggle with different things, so this week I would like to see those who are ready to pass judgement on others for their sin, to take a second to look in the mirror. Grant that grace that God gives us every day to those who may need it more then you understand.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Embrace the Silence
I will be the first to admit that I am not a fan of awkward silences. Almost every day I meet with new people to interview them, and they tell us to "let there be silence". But in all honesty to avoid these situations I am always prepared with another question to either probe deeper in their answer or to completely switch the topic. I've found that in life the times when we allow so much noise to fill our silence we don't really give ourselves a chance to hear God.
Encouraged by the series at church, I wanted to find where Imago Dei (the image of God) leaks out into our world. But to be honest I never allow myself a chance to hear it. Last Tuesday I needed to find a way to get near God again, I needed to feel the Imago Dei in SOMETHING.
I borrowed a friend's bike and decided to go on the Rock Island trail by my place. It was first awkward having the accurate strength to balance the handlebars. I mean I haven't been on a bike in like 10 years. As soon as I got on the trail and found the accurate speeds I just let loose. I had no one with me to talk to and the trail was pretty empty that day. I found God again. I know He was technically never lost but I just felt His presence as I was enjoying the scenery.
I had plenty of opportunity to go riding again a few days later but I felt it would be better for me to rest, if you catch my drift. I got to embrace the silence once again. I layed by the pool, started reading a book and just layed there. It wasn't until 6:45pm that I left my house for the first time that day. My roomate was gone, I read, I ate, I napped, I prayed, and it's been the closest I've felt to God in a long time.
Life happens. We let things slip in the way and cause even noise for us to miss the true importance of life. I encourage anyone to take time this week, even if it's just for 30 minutes to turn off your cell phones, leave the TV off, and embrace the silence. You'd be amazed the work God can do in those few moments.
Encouraged by the series at church, I wanted to find where Imago Dei (the image of God) leaks out into our world. But to be honest I never allow myself a chance to hear it. Last Tuesday I needed to find a way to get near God again, I needed to feel the Imago Dei in SOMETHING.
I borrowed a friend's bike and decided to go on the Rock Island trail by my place. It was first awkward having the accurate strength to balance the handlebars. I mean I haven't been on a bike in like 10 years. As soon as I got on the trail and found the accurate speeds I just let loose. I had no one with me to talk to and the trail was pretty empty that day. I found God again. I know He was technically never lost but I just felt His presence as I was enjoying the scenery.
I had plenty of opportunity to go riding again a few days later but I felt it would be better for me to rest, if you catch my drift. I got to embrace the silence once again. I layed by the pool, started reading a book and just layed there. It wasn't until 6:45pm that I left my house for the first time that day. My roomate was gone, I read, I ate, I napped, I prayed, and it's been the closest I've felt to God in a long time.
Life happens. We let things slip in the way and cause even noise for us to miss the true importance of life. I encourage anyone to take time this week, even if it's just for 30 minutes to turn off your cell phones, leave the TV off, and embrace the silence. You'd be amazed the work God can do in those few moments.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Friendlationships
I bought a book a few years back with the ridiculous title of "Friendlationships". The sub title said "From like, to like like, to love in your twenties." What a stupid book. As if you need a book to understand what goes on in your heart and mind.
I picked it up a few months ago to leaf through and to be honest it intrigued me so I read it. One of the things that I can't seem to understand is how to have a boy girl FRIENDSHIP without feeling like it has to progress into a RELATIONSHIP.
Now I have admittedly been on both sides of this awful scenario. I have been the friend that wants more and gets rejected and I've been the one that wants nothing but friendship. So I understand the polar opposites of the spectrum. But what's hard to digest is the certainty that at one point or another one of the friends will start developing feelings.
God created man and woman to cohabitate so we would not be alone. God told us to love others unconditionally. But where do we as humans draw the line dividing friendship and emotions? How do we prevent romantic feelings from arising in a relationship where it's clearly not wanted?
I don't have the answers, becuase if I did I wouldn't continue to put myself in these situations. But one thing I know is you can prevent awkward conversations by always being up front and honest. I'd rather be told and tell someone a relationship is not going to progress then to live with the unknown possibility.
So...words of wisdom..if you're just not into someone and you know they are into you, tell them gently. Save them embarrassment.
I picked it up a few months ago to leaf through and to be honest it intrigued me so I read it. One of the things that I can't seem to understand is how to have a boy girl FRIENDSHIP without feeling like it has to progress into a RELATIONSHIP.
Now I have admittedly been on both sides of this awful scenario. I have been the friend that wants more and gets rejected and I've been the one that wants nothing but friendship. So I understand the polar opposites of the spectrum. But what's hard to digest is the certainty that at one point or another one of the friends will start developing feelings.
God created man and woman to cohabitate so we would not be alone. God told us to love others unconditionally. But where do we as humans draw the line dividing friendship and emotions? How do we prevent romantic feelings from arising in a relationship where it's clearly not wanted?
I don't have the answers, becuase if I did I wouldn't continue to put myself in these situations. But one thing I know is you can prevent awkward conversations by always being up front and honest. I'd rather be told and tell someone a relationship is not going to progress then to live with the unknown possibility.
So...words of wisdom..if you're just not into someone and you know they are into you, tell them gently. Save them embarrassment.
Monday, July 27, 2009
We are officially our own biggest let down.
I don't think I'm alone in feeling like I've let God down. Months go by where my spiritual walk is progressing and I can recognize the work God has done in my heart. I feel confident that the things I've given to Him are gone and can focus on the person He wants me to be.
Then I get hit with a ton of bricks and it's like I have no idea where that person is anymore. I struggle to find that peace God had given me and I let myself slip. You know what I mean, do things you know aren't right, swear when you know the overflow of the heart is what comes off the lips, etc. Satan has a way of sneaking in and overtaking your world.
I think it's at this time when it's extremely important to remember that the fight we are fighting to be closer to God is not one of flesh and bone. Nothing we do can prevent us from the love of Christ. It's all a supernatural fight and Satan is very clever! The Evil one will take any foothold we give him.
When I fall now, I get back up, brush myself off and guard myself with the Word, understanding it is only God who can rightfully place judgement and Him who will heal our wounds.
Then I get hit with a ton of bricks and it's like I have no idea where that person is anymore. I struggle to find that peace God had given me and I let myself slip. You know what I mean, do things you know aren't right, swear when you know the overflow of the heart is what comes off the lips, etc. Satan has a way of sneaking in and overtaking your world.
I think it's at this time when it's extremely important to remember that the fight we are fighting to be closer to God is not one of flesh and bone. Nothing we do can prevent us from the love of Christ. It's all a supernatural fight and Satan is very clever! The Evil one will take any foothold we give him.
When I fall now, I get back up, brush myself off and guard myself with the Word, understanding it is only God who can rightfully place judgement and Him who will heal our wounds.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
What If..
I have been asked the same question over and over from my friends that I haven't seen in a while, "Where have you been?" I mean, how am I supposed to answer that question? "Well, the Lord has been doing a lot of work in my heart.." I don't think so.
I decided to spend some time with wonderful people that were a part of my life for a while before God got a hold of my heart. As I sit here after coming home and I am filled with the udder most joy. I am so grateful that God has saved my heart. The worries, the drama, the temporary fixes for all of the void we fill do not interest me anymore.
I found out some pretty tough news tonight. News that months before would have lead me into oblivion. It was like God was holding me the entire time tonight; not letting me slip into old habits to take care of the sting. It lead me to think..
Where would I be if I hadn't given my life to Christ? I had half-assed dabbled in the faith for years before. Meaning I'd go to church on Sunday and have great Christian friends. Not truly believing God was what I needed.
I know that I will always love these people for the comfort they gave me before, but I can not even imagine where my life would be if I did not make the tough decision to leave what I was comfortable with and follow the Lord.
I decided to spend some time with wonderful people that were a part of my life for a while before God got a hold of my heart. As I sit here after coming home and I am filled with the udder most joy. I am so grateful that God has saved my heart. The worries, the drama, the temporary fixes for all of the void we fill do not interest me anymore.
I found out some pretty tough news tonight. News that months before would have lead me into oblivion. It was like God was holding me the entire time tonight; not letting me slip into old habits to take care of the sting. It lead me to think..
Where would I be if I hadn't given my life to Christ? I had half-assed dabbled in the faith for years before. Meaning I'd go to church on Sunday and have great Christian friends. Not truly believing God was what I needed.
I know that I will always love these people for the comfort they gave me before, but I can not even imagine where my life would be if I did not make the tough decision to leave what I was comfortable with and follow the Lord.
Sunday, June 07, 2009
Where does my help come from...
Have you ever had those weeks where it seems as though everything is falling apart? That no matter what area of your life you have felt the most stability an earthquake hits and you are utterly shaken? That all of the plates of life you've been spinning well for months have all fallen. That was my week.
I was frustrated with God that He could let everything happen. That I have been walking the line of faith for once in my life continuously and yet I was still in the middle of this mess of life. Why can I never get a break in life? Why do I always have to be fighting for one thing or another? I felt like my family life was a mess, that my job wasn't the place I needed to be, and that I wasn't a good enough person for guys to pursue, the list goes on and on. Being a 'faithful servant' I turned to God asking the one question that will leave me more frustrated then before, "Why?"
That's the problem. We want to know the answer to the infamous question and when we don't get the immediate satisfaction we start to get frustrated with God. Our pride and self righteousness grows each day that the answer never comes. Satan uses the unknown as a wedge between us and the only person who can guide us. I claim to be surrendering everything to God, yet my cries at night are empty frustrations that I don't have the answers to my questions. I have let myself slip into the way I live daily instead of living for Him.
If we live with God's work and kingdom in mind, the questions we have in life do not hold a candle to the real issues at hand. I need to work with a joyful heart, doing what's asked of me and God will lead me to the right people to recruit. I need to love others unconditionally and I will not have hate in my heart when people do not live up to the standards I hold them to. I need to be grateful and a good steward of all of the blessings I have in life and will not be yearning for the things of this world. I need to give my heart to God before he will lead the man He has for me into my life instead of holding my heart out to anyone that passes by. I need to die to myself and live for Him and the "Why" will be unveiled. My help needs to come from God and only God. Not myself.
I was frustrated with God that He could let everything happen. That I have been walking the line of faith for once in my life continuously and yet I was still in the middle of this mess of life. Why can I never get a break in life? Why do I always have to be fighting for one thing or another? I felt like my family life was a mess, that my job wasn't the place I needed to be, and that I wasn't a good enough person for guys to pursue, the list goes on and on. Being a 'faithful servant' I turned to God asking the one question that will leave me more frustrated then before, "Why?"
That's the problem. We want to know the answer to the infamous question and when we don't get the immediate satisfaction we start to get frustrated with God. Our pride and self righteousness grows each day that the answer never comes. Satan uses the unknown as a wedge between us and the only person who can guide us. I claim to be surrendering everything to God, yet my cries at night are empty frustrations that I don't have the answers to my questions. I have let myself slip into the way I live daily instead of living for Him.
If we live with God's work and kingdom in mind, the questions we have in life do not hold a candle to the real issues at hand. I need to work with a joyful heart, doing what's asked of me and God will lead me to the right people to recruit. I need to love others unconditionally and I will not have hate in my heart when people do not live up to the standards I hold them to. I need to be grateful and a good steward of all of the blessings I have in life and will not be yearning for the things of this world. I need to give my heart to God before he will lead the man He has for me into my life instead of holding my heart out to anyone that passes by. I need to die to myself and live for Him and the "Why" will be unveiled. My help needs to come from God and only God. Not myself.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Marriage: Obligation vs Choice
To date I have received 10 wedding related invitations for the year of 2009. It's a very beautiful life stage that I am excited to be a part of. The scary part for me is that every time I celebrate someones new life changes I feel a sense of added responsibility.
This past month I had the great opportunity to fly down to Dallas to witness my childhood best friend marry the man of her dreams. We had always talked about finding the man to marry and starting the families we've always wanted. Our life paths have taken us completely different ways, but when we reunite it's as if nothing has changed. As I was sitting in the airport on my way back I couldn't help but break down.
See, as I was standing as a bridesmaid to witness and vow to the Mann family that I would fight for their marriage, another marriage I vowed to fight for 10 years ago was falling apart back home. I will be the first to say that I do not know the stress that marriage could bring. But for the first time in my entire life I felt conviction and righteous anger.
Marriage is beautiful. As Charlie mentioned on Sunday it's a give and take dance between a husband and wife. A beautiful and humble submission that allows for personal growth each day. Marriage is a choice. When you stand up to make that decision, you make vows to be there forever; not forever until things get tough. Thats where the obligation comes in. The wedding day is when God reigns over the marriage, your friends and family believe you will do whatever it takes to perservere and it's a time to celebrate a new life together.
I can't seem to fathom how you can stand up and make those vows and then years later decide it's just not the life you want anymore.
My prayer over the past few years has been for God to deliver me a spouse. One who loves me unconditionally, challenges me spiritually, and forgives me repeatedly. Maybe it's the heartbreak I've seen that marriages can cause but I am now spending that precious prayer time for those who are hurting.
When I witness Godly marriages, or discuss what a marriage is supposed to be, it brings tears to my eyes. I just wish others could see and feel what I do. I think there would be fewer broken marriages across the world if that were the case.
I know I will continue to wrestle around with this issue but to those who have asked me to, I will continue to fight for your marriage, always know that.
This past month I had the great opportunity to fly down to Dallas to witness my childhood best friend marry the man of her dreams. We had always talked about finding the man to marry and starting the families we've always wanted. Our life paths have taken us completely different ways, but when we reunite it's as if nothing has changed. As I was sitting in the airport on my way back I couldn't help but break down.
See, as I was standing as a bridesmaid to witness and vow to the Mann family that I would fight for their marriage, another marriage I vowed to fight for 10 years ago was falling apart back home. I will be the first to say that I do not know the stress that marriage could bring. But for the first time in my entire life I felt conviction and righteous anger.
Marriage is beautiful. As Charlie mentioned on Sunday it's a give and take dance between a husband and wife. A beautiful and humble submission that allows for personal growth each day. Marriage is a choice. When you stand up to make that decision, you make vows to be there forever; not forever until things get tough. Thats where the obligation comes in. The wedding day is when God reigns over the marriage, your friends and family believe you will do whatever it takes to perservere and it's a time to celebrate a new life together.
I can't seem to fathom how you can stand up and make those vows and then years later decide it's just not the life you want anymore.
My prayer over the past few years has been for God to deliver me a spouse. One who loves me unconditionally, challenges me spiritually, and forgives me repeatedly. Maybe it's the heartbreak I've seen that marriages can cause but I am now spending that precious prayer time for those who are hurting.
When I witness Godly marriages, or discuss what a marriage is supposed to be, it brings tears to my eyes. I just wish others could see and feel what I do. I think there would be fewer broken marriages across the world if that were the case.
I know I will continue to wrestle around with this issue but to those who have asked me to, I will continue to fight for your marriage, always know that.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Life is about me.
#2
Twenty-four years later and I've come to a tough conclusion, one that I'm sure many people along my path have tried to tell me, but my mind has been jaded with another lie. My life in fact is NOT about me.
When we do something right as a little kid everyone is so proud and even calls attention to your successes. It instills a sense of accomplishment as a kid and I think it's very important for a well balanced self esteem in the later years of life.
There was some switch in my mind to get me thinking that life owes me something. My situation wasn't like everyone elses and I worked really hard to get where I am. "So what?"
I'd like to think of myself as a compassionate person, but when I think about who I show my love and empathy for, they are all people just like me. Of course I'd chose to serve others if I was asked to join in the opportunity but as a believer and an advocate for Christ I can honestly say I'm not the person to seek out these opportunities.
I am so concerned with what's going to happen with my future, where I'm going to live, who I am going to marry, what could I do to grow with Christ. I am frustrated because for so long I thought as long as I was growing with God my walk was 'right'. What makes it so good if I'm not impacting people around me? Or making a genuine effort to make this world a better place?
I pray for God to show me as well as others how to love others, serve others and in turn make an impact on the people we see daily all for His sake. I need to be humbled to convince myself that the lie I've been telling myself is not true, my life does not revolve around me, I'm merely a pawn in His world.
Twenty-four years later and I've come to a tough conclusion, one that I'm sure many people along my path have tried to tell me, but my mind has been jaded with another lie. My life in fact is NOT about me.
When we do something right as a little kid everyone is so proud and even calls attention to your successes. It instills a sense of accomplishment as a kid and I think it's very important for a well balanced self esteem in the later years of life.
There was some switch in my mind to get me thinking that life owes me something. My situation wasn't like everyone elses and I worked really hard to get where I am. "So what?"
I'd like to think of myself as a compassionate person, but when I think about who I show my love and empathy for, they are all people just like me. Of course I'd chose to serve others if I was asked to join in the opportunity but as a believer and an advocate for Christ I can honestly say I'm not the person to seek out these opportunities.
I am so concerned with what's going to happen with my future, where I'm going to live, who I am going to marry, what could I do to grow with Christ. I am frustrated because for so long I thought as long as I was growing with God my walk was 'right'. What makes it so good if I'm not impacting people around me? Or making a genuine effort to make this world a better place?
I pray for God to show me as well as others how to love others, serve others and in turn make an impact on the people we see daily all for His sake. I need to be humbled to convince myself that the lie I've been telling myself is not true, my life does not revolve around me, I'm merely a pawn in His world.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Through the mind of a sinner..
The growth of my heart this past year has been too great to type in one blog post. Heck, I don't even know if people still check this so I'm writing for myself. I realized tonight that I love to write, for an audience or even just for myself.I started thinking about the different lies I've allowed my mind to believe over the years and I am ashamed. As I was running through the list of lies it dawned on me that this could easily turn in to a book. I'm not thinking I will be publishing anything any time soon, but I wanted to share my thoughts. I won't commit to blogging regularly, but I will admit I felt energized when I put my thoughts on paper tonight, so energized that I am up an hour past my bedtime just to type a blog.
We tell ourselve so many lies. There are even times we get so out of touch with reality that the truth seems like fantasy. The world constantly tells us that we need to live a certain way and if we concede then that is the best life can get. Freedom. No regret. Living for the moment. When the excitement of life slows down even for a brief moment the pit of emptiness starts to deepend. But don't worry because as human nature allows we will search for another opportunity for distraction. Reality can't sink in until we let it and sadly it took me 23 years to let it sink in. I feel that I can safely claim that I finally see life for what it is. Ups and downs, love and heartbreak, surprises and tragedy. Life is full of good and bad you just take it one step and one day at a time.
#1. I am not good enough.
Everyone has stories of when they have felt their God given talent has not made the cut. Sports teams, academics, relationships, heck I even know people who feel that they aren't good enough to go to church. I wish I knew what genetic wiring it was that could just turn on during childhood and block our thoughts from continuously stepping in to be our own worst enemies. Unfortunately it's not that easy. We are conditioned to think and feel certain ways. If we want change it takes hard work and a belief.
I bet my thought patters stemmed from a young age. Yes my parents divorced, and I know it's a cop-out excuse. Everyone blames a broken home for problematic children or long-term commitment issues. I do not want to be that person. I take full responsibility for the choices I've made and the thoughts I allow. I do however feel that I let myself get jaded when I started to feel as if I wasn't good enough because I was different. Society used to paint a picutre of what 'normal' families consisted of. A mom, a dad, happy siblings, a dog, a fenced in yard, and a neighborhood that had block parties. We weren't like that. I will say that the way society is pictured now isn't the same as it was 20 years ago. I always felt judged because I was different.
The easiest way for me to handle this awful feeling was to try as hard as I could to fit in. Whether this meant drinking, stealing, smoking, or whatever it was to make no one care that I was different. What I didn't realize at the time was that I had been sacrificing everything positive I had going for me. The hurt of me not being good enough never went away even though people seemed to like me. I can remember weekends in high school when I sat at home because my friends had forgotten to call. I was still alone and I still felt I wasn't good enough.
As I got older the situations were different but the feelings were still the same. I met a guy, a good Christian guy and I actually allowed myself to date him. I dropped the 'tough girl' act and let him see who I truly was. Three weeks later he broke up with me. I didn't see it at the time, but I totally see how we are better friends then boyfriend and girlfriend. I tell this story not for embarrassment but to bring in to light that the pain was still the same. I didn't feel as if I deserved to date a Christian guy. This just goes to show that Christian or non-Christian, we still tell ourselves the same lies.
To overcome those lies we must remind ourselves of the Truth, that each of us is fearfully and wonderfully made. We may not all be the schools' Homecoming queen, or voted "Most likely to succeed" or even have the best job in the world, but the most important thing to remember is that we are all still here. For some reason or another we have each been given the gift of breathing another day. Tomorrow brings too much uncertainty, I want to feel good enough today.
I started a new job a little under a year from when I made this mind blowing realization of what life really is. I know this career has been a gift from God becase of my growth as a human. I have never felt so personally, professionally, or spiritually motivated then when I started working for Northwestern Mutual. What has helped me make this revalation is the truth that I am tired of not feeling good enough and I'm the only one that can change it. If you don't like where you are in life, then make a decision to change. Seek God for His wisdom. Pray continually. Fast. Seek other believer's guidance. Do whatever it takes to find His light to what He has called you to do.
I have heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. If you are tired of not feeling good enough then try something different. God is way to creative to create a universe of people who are mediocre. Stop lying to yourself and make a change.
We tell ourselve so many lies. There are even times we get so out of touch with reality that the truth seems like fantasy. The world constantly tells us that we need to live a certain way and if we concede then that is the best life can get. Freedom. No regret. Living for the moment. When the excitement of life slows down even for a brief moment the pit of emptiness starts to deepend. But don't worry because as human nature allows we will search for another opportunity for distraction. Reality can't sink in until we let it and sadly it took me 23 years to let it sink in. I feel that I can safely claim that I finally see life for what it is. Ups and downs, love and heartbreak, surprises and tragedy. Life is full of good and bad you just take it one step and one day at a time.
#1. I am not good enough.
Everyone has stories of when they have felt their God given talent has not made the cut. Sports teams, academics, relationships, heck I even know people who feel that they aren't good enough to go to church. I wish I knew what genetic wiring it was that could just turn on during childhood and block our thoughts from continuously stepping in to be our own worst enemies. Unfortunately it's not that easy. We are conditioned to think and feel certain ways. If we want change it takes hard work and a belief.
I bet my thought patters stemmed from a young age. Yes my parents divorced, and I know it's a cop-out excuse. Everyone blames a broken home for problematic children or long-term commitment issues. I do not want to be that person. I take full responsibility for the choices I've made and the thoughts I allow. I do however feel that I let myself get jaded when I started to feel as if I wasn't good enough because I was different. Society used to paint a picutre of what 'normal' families consisted of. A mom, a dad, happy siblings, a dog, a fenced in yard, and a neighborhood that had block parties. We weren't like that. I will say that the way society is pictured now isn't the same as it was 20 years ago. I always felt judged because I was different.
The easiest way for me to handle this awful feeling was to try as hard as I could to fit in. Whether this meant drinking, stealing, smoking, or whatever it was to make no one care that I was different. What I didn't realize at the time was that I had been sacrificing everything positive I had going for me. The hurt of me not being good enough never went away even though people seemed to like me. I can remember weekends in high school when I sat at home because my friends had forgotten to call. I was still alone and I still felt I wasn't good enough.
As I got older the situations were different but the feelings were still the same. I met a guy, a good Christian guy and I actually allowed myself to date him. I dropped the 'tough girl' act and let him see who I truly was. Three weeks later he broke up with me. I didn't see it at the time, but I totally see how we are better friends then boyfriend and girlfriend. I tell this story not for embarrassment but to bring in to light that the pain was still the same. I didn't feel as if I deserved to date a Christian guy. This just goes to show that Christian or non-Christian, we still tell ourselves the same lies.
To overcome those lies we must remind ourselves of the Truth, that each of us is fearfully and wonderfully made. We may not all be the schools' Homecoming queen, or voted "Most likely to succeed" or even have the best job in the world, but the most important thing to remember is that we are all still here. For some reason or another we have each been given the gift of breathing another day. Tomorrow brings too much uncertainty, I want to feel good enough today.
I started a new job a little under a year from when I made this mind blowing realization of what life really is. I know this career has been a gift from God becase of my growth as a human. I have never felt so personally, professionally, or spiritually motivated then when I started working for Northwestern Mutual. What has helped me make this revalation is the truth that I am tired of not feeling good enough and I'm the only one that can change it. If you don't like where you are in life, then make a decision to change. Seek God for His wisdom. Pray continually. Fast. Seek other believer's guidance. Do whatever it takes to find His light to what He has called you to do.
I have heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. If you are tired of not feeling good enough then try something different. God is way to creative to create a universe of people who are mediocre. Stop lying to yourself and make a change.
Monday, July 07, 2008
Debt to God.
I laid in bed early this morning clutching to my pillow as the thunder cracked and shook my apartment complex. I have never felt so fearful in my life and after praying for it, I never receieved peace. I know that fear does not come from the Lord but even after I prayed the fear never left. Yes, it did stop cracking and booming long enough for me to fall back asleep but even when I woke again to head to the gym anxiety filled my heart.
I've been thinking a lot about my walk with Christ. There have been some things that I have always struggled with that I know in my heart are on the way out the door. I am human and tend to find myself slipping, but I always pull back in-line with how I am supposed to live. After multiple conversations with Christian friends and even a few sermons at church I know that if you do something wrong or that isn't lined up with God's will then we need to make it right. But what if I don't know what will make it right? I can apoligize to those involved, ask for forgiveness but I don't seem to forgive myself.
That's where I am. Humbled.
I've been thinking a lot about my walk with Christ. There have been some things that I have always struggled with that I know in my heart are on the way out the door. I am human and tend to find myself slipping, but I always pull back in-line with how I am supposed to live. After multiple conversations with Christian friends and even a few sermons at church I know that if you do something wrong or that isn't lined up with God's will then we need to make it right. But what if I don't know what will make it right? I can apoligize to those involved, ask for forgiveness but I don't seem to forgive myself.
That's where I am. Humbled.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Called out.
The past month I've been called out by at least two people regarding my blogging activity. To answer any questions, no I didn't quit blogging. Someone once brought it to my attention that I only blog when things are bothering me. If thats true, maybe my lack of blog posts is a good sign. So I'll update you.
I love my job. I love the people, schedule, hours, company. Everything is wonderful. It keeps me busy and interactive.
I'm moving out May 31st. Tara and I are parting ways- on good terms of course, but it's been a good two years having her as a roomate. I'm going to be living alone for the first time. There are personal concerns, but I think this will be the best for me.
My dating world is null and void. I meet great people but there are always 'hangups'. I wonder why I meet this people if they are just going to be my friend. I'm 23 years old, have a lot of friends, and to be completely honest feel like a girl on a diet at a buffett being told not to eat anything. :) Oh well, one day.
I think thats the update, I'll try to remember to do this more often.
I love my job. I love the people, schedule, hours, company. Everything is wonderful. It keeps me busy and interactive.
I'm moving out May 31st. Tara and I are parting ways- on good terms of course, but it's been a good two years having her as a roomate. I'm going to be living alone for the first time. There are personal concerns, but I think this will be the best for me.
My dating world is null and void. I meet great people but there are always 'hangups'. I wonder why I meet this people if they are just going to be my friend. I'm 23 years old, have a lot of friends, and to be completely honest feel like a girl on a diet at a buffett being told not to eat anything. :) Oh well, one day.
I think thats the update, I'll try to remember to do this more often.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Free as a bird in a cage.
Psalm 11:1-3
"In the Lord I put my trust; How can you say to my soul, Flee as a bird to your mountain? For Look! The wicked bend their bow, they make ready their arror on the wrong, that they may shoot secretly at the upright in heart. If the foundations are destroyed what can the righteous do?"
The challenges of a spiritual plateau seem inevitable. This passage has resignated in my heart the past few weeks because it gives me a vision of reason, an explanation of some sort.
I feel as though the closer I get with God and the more I 'spread my spiritual wings' the more my heart hurts with frustration. None of us can ever be whole hearted like Jesus, we always fall short. It's like a tease. Sure we all want to be great disciples and live like God intended, it's like a race where the finish line keeps moving farther and farther.
"In the Lord I put my trust; How can you say to my soul, Flee as a bird to your mountain? For Look! The wicked bend their bow, they make ready their arror on the wrong, that they may shoot secretly at the upright in heart. If the foundations are destroyed what can the righteous do?"
The challenges of a spiritual plateau seem inevitable. This passage has resignated in my heart the past few weeks because it gives me a vision of reason, an explanation of some sort.
I feel as though the closer I get with God and the more I 'spread my spiritual wings' the more my heart hurts with frustration. None of us can ever be whole hearted like Jesus, we always fall short. It's like a tease. Sure we all want to be great disciples and live like God intended, it's like a race where the finish line keeps moving farther and farther.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Jesus on TV
I've been a fan of American Idol this season, simply because I enjoy the acoustic sounds that most of the contestants are prone to this year. I'm sitting here both amazed and impressed with what I just saw on tonight's episode.
Dolly Parton's songs were covered and she was the 'vocal coach' for this week. She just preformed a song called "Jesus and Gravity". The song talked about the only thing she will ever need is Jesus to pick her up when she falls. She preceded to tell Ryan Seacrest that "She has Jesus, he (Ryan) can keep Simon." This 5 minute presentation continued on national TV.
I'm surprised that national television let this happen, and I wonder just how much flack she'll get for speaking the Truth and her beliefs. Way to go Dolly.
Dolly Parton's songs were covered and she was the 'vocal coach' for this week. She just preformed a song called "Jesus and Gravity". The song talked about the only thing she will ever need is Jesus to pick her up when she falls. She preceded to tell Ryan Seacrest that "She has Jesus, he (Ryan) can keep Simon." This 5 minute presentation continued on national TV.
I'm surprised that national television let this happen, and I wonder just how much flack she'll get for speaking the Truth and her beliefs. Way to go Dolly.
A "Mutual" Fit
I've been at my job as the Director of Recruiting at Northwestern Mutual for about a month now. I can't being to explain how I feel.
For starters, my boss is a very Godly man. He has challenged me personally, spiritually and professionally. Because of him I now have written goals and feel completely supported in whatever decisions I make for the company. That same feeling carries over to the other men (and staff women) in my network office. They are awesome people who genuinely love and care about helping others.
I find myself looking at the clock after 5, not realizing how fast the day goes by. I enjoy waking up in the morning to come to work. I have a lot to do, but it's an exciting overwhelming, not stressful. I meet a lot of new people daily!
Yesterday I was in Champaign for the day to meet and train with some of our network employees. I'm in charge of Contract & Licensing employees so I've been in touch with them a lot, it was great to finally put the faces to the names & voices. Four of us who work directly together had a nice lunch at Biaggi's. We talked about personal matters and then I decided to ask them about their history with the company. Every one of them had a great story of how they got involved and one in particular brought me to tears. Her name was Cheryl and as she told her story she was speaking what I was feeling about life. She told me, "Leslie, God's timing is always perfect." I was sitting with my new co-workers feeling the presence of God, and feeling re-assured that this feeling I had about my new job wasn't just 'too good to be true'. Everyone I've met at Northwestern Mutual truly loves what they do, and it really is like a family here.
For starters, my boss is a very Godly man. He has challenged me personally, spiritually and professionally. Because of him I now have written goals and feel completely supported in whatever decisions I make for the company. That same feeling carries over to the other men (and staff women) in my network office. They are awesome people who genuinely love and care about helping others.
I find myself looking at the clock after 5, not realizing how fast the day goes by. I enjoy waking up in the morning to come to work. I have a lot to do, but it's an exciting overwhelming, not stressful. I meet a lot of new people daily!
Yesterday I was in Champaign for the day to meet and train with some of our network employees. I'm in charge of Contract & Licensing employees so I've been in touch with them a lot, it was great to finally put the faces to the names & voices. Four of us who work directly together had a nice lunch at Biaggi's. We talked about personal matters and then I decided to ask them about their history with the company. Every one of them had a great story of how they got involved and one in particular brought me to tears. Her name was Cheryl and as she told her story she was speaking what I was feeling about life. She told me, "Leslie, God's timing is always perfect." I was sitting with my new co-workers feeling the presence of God, and feeling re-assured that this feeling I had about my new job wasn't just 'too good to be true'. Everyone I've met at Northwestern Mutual truly loves what they do, and it really is like a family here.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Unexpected..
Over the past few months I've been babysitting for this couple that has two extremely intelligent boys. One of them just turned 4 in November and can translate between Swedish and English (I'll tell him something in English to say and he says it in Swedish.) They are so much fun and I'm constantly blown away by their intelligence. The little one is two and can read. The parents are so nice and have been supportive of my 'changes' the past few months.
The other night I caught view of a book that completely surprised me. It was "The Atheist Guidebook." It was a compilation of various pieces regarding atheism. The minutes went by so slowly until the kids went to bed because my curiosity was killing me. I wanted to open and see what outlandish ideas these folks had.
I read that...
Jesus was a magician and that's how he preformed miracles.
Jesus was real, but he was not the son of God.
Christianity is selfish because "We Christians" are the only ones that can be saved.
I can't tell you how unsafe I felt while reading that. I didn't believe a single word, and when I came across things that irked me I wanted to shout my beliefs outloud. It's scary to know that nice people like these aren't saved.
The other night I caught view of a book that completely surprised me. It was "The Atheist Guidebook." It was a compilation of various pieces regarding atheism. The minutes went by so slowly until the kids went to bed because my curiosity was killing me. I wanted to open and see what outlandish ideas these folks had.
I read that...
Jesus was a magician and that's how he preformed miracles.
Jesus was real, but he was not the son of God.
Christianity is selfish because "We Christians" are the only ones that can be saved.
I can't tell you how unsafe I felt while reading that. I didn't believe a single word, and when I came across things that irked me I wanted to shout my beliefs outloud. It's scary to know that nice people like these aren't saved.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Lent
My heart hasn't been right with the whole "Lent" idea. Maybe it's because it wasn't a part of my culture growing up, but this year I decided to jump on the Lent bandwagon without much knowledge.
I know you give up something for 40 days (I saw the movie 40days/40nights) and you get one day a week to 'cheat'. I've done pretty well if I do say so myself and until last night stuck to that rule. I was sitting there with friends at PoBoys (which is actually a cool place if you haven't been there!! Hidden entertainment in Peoria.) A friend bought me a drink and I drank it. Not 10, but one. I didn't feel conviction.
To me, there are so many loopholes when it comes to Lent. If it's supposed to be a symbolism of sacrifice, why do you get the cheat day? You are supposed to use the temptation time to pray, but how many people remember to do that? Maybe it's just because I'm green behind the ears on this subject, but I didn't. Let's say you give up swearing for lent, that takes training of the tongue to stop, and you accidentally slip. You ask for forgiveness and 'try' not to do it again? It just seems too easy.
Daily I try to step outside of the box to focus on what I need to change/sacrifice for my relationship with God to grow. I've heard others this sacrificial time is supposed to help with struggles in the future. (Not swearing like a sailor for 40 days should help in that arena, etc) I don't think I've grown as a person by giving up alcohol. Maybe I am looking at this whole experience in the wrong light, and in that case I'd be up to listening to support. I just don't think "Lent" is something I'll participate in again.
I know you give up something for 40 days (I saw the movie 40days/40nights) and you get one day a week to 'cheat'. I've done pretty well if I do say so myself and until last night stuck to that rule. I was sitting there with friends at PoBoys (which is actually a cool place if you haven't been there!! Hidden entertainment in Peoria.) A friend bought me a drink and I drank it. Not 10, but one. I didn't feel conviction.
To me, there are so many loopholes when it comes to Lent. If it's supposed to be a symbolism of sacrifice, why do you get the cheat day? You are supposed to use the temptation time to pray, but how many people remember to do that? Maybe it's just because I'm green behind the ears on this subject, but I didn't. Let's say you give up swearing for lent, that takes training of the tongue to stop, and you accidentally slip. You ask for forgiveness and 'try' not to do it again? It just seems too easy.
Daily I try to step outside of the box to focus on what I need to change/sacrifice for my relationship with God to grow. I've heard others this sacrificial time is supposed to help with struggles in the future. (Not swearing like a sailor for 40 days should help in that arena, etc) I don't think I've grown as a person by giving up alcohol. Maybe I am looking at this whole experience in the wrong light, and in that case I'd be up to listening to support. I just don't think "Lent" is something I'll participate in again.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
My life
I started my new job as the Director for Recruiting at Northwestern Mutual Financial Network on Monday. I think I'm going to enjoy it! I have some great people and I can't wait to take over the reigns and organize everything. Lots of new information to learn, I've already had 6 interviews to sit in on, 3 meetings so far, needless to say I'm exhausted.
With stress comes health problems. I'm STILL sick (I've been sinus-sick since December) but other issues are arrising again after two years. I know as a women my punishment since the 'fall' has been pain in childbirth....I haven't had any kids but if it's anything like what I feel now, I'll be fine.
My biggest struggle right now is balancing living in fear and joy of the Lord. I don't know why I don't feel the joy, but with everything I am in constant fear. God has blessed me so much lately and has definately helped me stand after being humbled just a few months ago. I assume I constantly fear because it wasn't that long ago I felt joy and had everything taken away. I don't know the real reason, after all, I'm not God.
Thats my lunch-hour blog. :)
With stress comes health problems. I'm STILL sick (I've been sinus-sick since December) but other issues are arrising again after two years. I know as a women my punishment since the 'fall' has been pain in childbirth....I haven't had any kids but if it's anything like what I feel now, I'll be fine.
My biggest struggle right now is balancing living in fear and joy of the Lord. I don't know why I don't feel the joy, but with everything I am in constant fear. God has blessed me so much lately and has definately helped me stand after being humbled just a few months ago. I assume I constantly fear because it wasn't that long ago I felt joy and had everything taken away. I don't know the real reason, after all, I'm not God.
Thats my lunch-hour blog. :)
Monday, March 03, 2008
New New New
So much has been going on lately, and I don't really have the desire to separate the blog posts. Here's a summary...
1. I bought a new car on Friday. It's a 2006 Honda Civic LX. I really felt that the Mazda would not be the best economically for me. I enjoy it, it gets me from A to B. with better gas mileage and without the fear of flying off the road.
2. I'm becoming more aware of how my 'brothers in Christ' treat me. Comparing my relationships to how I think I should be treated as a woman and to actually see how I'm treated is a harsh reality. This is vague, but I'm sure I'll post this more in depth later.
3. The past few weeks my life has been lived with fear of the Lord. Which I understand is good and it's how things should be, but let me give an example. I'm not excited about the car. I've told myself that God blessed me with it, He can surely take it away at the drop of a hat. Thats how I'm living my life with everything. Weird. As if God will be punishing me for everything I do wrong.
SO much is going on. I pray that God will give me strength to handle things the way I'm supposed to.
1. I bought a new car on Friday. It's a 2006 Honda Civic LX. I really felt that the Mazda would not be the best economically for me. I enjoy it, it gets me from A to B. with better gas mileage and without the fear of flying off the road.
2. I'm becoming more aware of how my 'brothers in Christ' treat me. Comparing my relationships to how I think I should be treated as a woman and to actually see how I'm treated is a harsh reality. This is vague, but I'm sure I'll post this more in depth later.
3. The past few weeks my life has been lived with fear of the Lord. Which I understand is good and it's how things should be, but let me give an example. I'm not excited about the car. I've told myself that God blessed me with it, He can surely take it away at the drop of a hat. Thats how I'm living my life with everything. Weird. As if God will be punishing me for everything I do wrong.
SO much is going on. I pray that God will give me strength to handle things the way I'm supposed to.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Adios Poopy Friends
Today was my last day at Little Friends daycare. I can't begin to tell you my thoughts or feelings at about 3pm. I'd spent the morning in pre-school and then the afternoon with crying, miserable children. We had 3 babies teething (mind you, we can't give Tylenol unless the parent brings it) one whose mother only brought 3 bottles for the day, and she's too young for anything else, one who has an ear infection and one who got sent home with a fever. I was literally counting down the minutes until the end of the day. I started at 180 minutes.
I'm looking forward to this week for clarity and a fresh start before I begin at Northwestern Mutual.
I'm looking forward to this week for clarity and a fresh start before I begin at Northwestern Mutual.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Captivated by the Wild at Heart
The past two months I decided to read both "Captivating" and "Wild at Heart". My desire is to grow as a woman of God, but how does that relate to the opposite sex. I know that these ideas in "Wild at Heart" are simply just that, ideas from a simple man of God. But some of them got me thinking...Here are my thoughts while reading "Wild at Heart" by John Eldridge.
1. "Women are viewed as the 'beauty' to be fought for." This is a hard concept for me to grasp. Can we as women do nothing but wait for men to get their act together and fight for us? Are men supposed to be the only pursuers in a relationship?
2. "Men back away from commitment or adventure because they feel they aren't good enough, or that they don't have what it takes." If this is true what can I do as a woman to show my future man (or current men in my life) that he is not a failure or good enough? Everything in this world will constantly challenge a man, how can I be the 'light' in their lives to validate them?
3. Women are attracted to the adventurous side of a man, but as soon as he is hers, she tries to tame him. (Interesting idea...I've seen this happen)
4. "We've come to believe deep in our hearts that needing anyone for anything is a weakness or handicap." (pg 122) How true this is for my life. I've been so independent that I feel ashamed when I need to ask for help or I always believe I will be let down if I trust anyone. I wonder how this will change when I 'NEED' to rely on my significant other.
5. "Satan doesn't just throw thoughts at us, he also can throw feelings." I never really thought that before. I always believed what I felt was from God. Whether it was joy or conviction.
I have learned the past few months that I love to read. I enjoy being constantly challenged by new ideas, but what I've found is that I have a lot to learn.
1. "Women are viewed as the 'beauty' to be fought for." This is a hard concept for me to grasp. Can we as women do nothing but wait for men to get their act together and fight for us? Are men supposed to be the only pursuers in a relationship?
2. "Men back away from commitment or adventure because they feel they aren't good enough, or that they don't have what it takes." If this is true what can I do as a woman to show my future man (or current men in my life) that he is not a failure or good enough? Everything in this world will constantly challenge a man, how can I be the 'light' in their lives to validate them?
3. Women are attracted to the adventurous side of a man, but as soon as he is hers, she tries to tame him. (Interesting idea...I've seen this happen)
4. "We've come to believe deep in our hearts that needing anyone for anything is a weakness or handicap." (pg 122) How true this is for my life. I've been so independent that I feel ashamed when I need to ask for help or I always believe I will be let down if I trust anyone. I wonder how this will change when I 'NEED' to rely on my significant other.
5. "Satan doesn't just throw thoughts at us, he also can throw feelings." I never really thought that before. I always believed what I felt was from God. Whether it was joy or conviction.
I have learned the past few months that I love to read. I enjoy being constantly challenged by new ideas, but what I've found is that I have a lot to learn.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
My God questions...
Ever since I was little I have always thought my uncle Mike was in Heaven with God. I would talk to him, tell him things about me, but obviously didn't get any response..you know typical little girl stuff that I didn't know any better. Lately I've found myself talking to my Grandpa. People always say, "Oh so and so is looking down on us from Heaven." Which got me thinking... Can people who are in Heaven hear our prayers? Or hear when we talk to/about them?
My second God question that has been on my mind this past week is this...how can we seek God when there is an earthly time sensitivity? For instance, this week I have been actively seeking a new car. Not because it's flashy, but because the wheels on my explorer have been grinding so hard when I break that I fear they will fall off. (Especially the front left.) So in searching for an economically friendly (I mostly mean gas), safe car that I can invest in I have found a Mazda3. Figuring it out, it won't cost too much more than my explorer but on the other hand I will save so much on gas. I want to do this in a way that glorifies God. But if I hold off much longer I won't have a vehicle to trade in if you catch my drift. I have been seeking counsel, and working through all the questions they have and I really don't feel like I shouldn't buy this car. I have spent many mind hours and lots of time in prayer and I don't have a bad feeling. Fasting to get answers is another way. Is that all I can do to 'seek God'? How do I know if this is okay with God. He hasn't given me a clear YeS, but he hasn't given me any NO....
Those are my God thoughts this week.
My second God question that has been on my mind this past week is this...how can we seek God when there is an earthly time sensitivity? For instance, this week I have been actively seeking a new car. Not because it's flashy, but because the wheels on my explorer have been grinding so hard when I break that I fear they will fall off. (Especially the front left.) So in searching for an economically friendly (I mostly mean gas), safe car that I can invest in I have found a Mazda3. Figuring it out, it won't cost too much more than my explorer but on the other hand I will save so much on gas. I want to do this in a way that glorifies God. But if I hold off much longer I won't have a vehicle to trade in if you catch my drift. I have been seeking counsel, and working through all the questions they have and I really don't feel like I shouldn't buy this car. I have spent many mind hours and lots of time in prayer and I don't have a bad feeling. Fasting to get answers is another way. Is that all I can do to 'seek God'? How do I know if this is okay with God. He hasn't given me a clear YeS, but he hasn't given me any NO....
Those are my God thoughts this week.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Praise God.
Life has been so busy for me! Typically that would be more of a stress than a praise, but I can't help it, God's been opening so many doors for me that the hectic schedule does nothing to me but wear me out.
First is first. I got offered a Director of Recruitment position at Northwestern Mutual on Monday afternoon. This would be a great opportunity for me to use my skills in networking and the money isn't bad either. I have great feelings about the people I will be working for, my interviews are a minimum of 1 1/2 hours simply because we get sidetracked talking about church and our faith. :) I feel a peace about this position, so today I will be calling and accepting the offer. God hasn't shown me a reason not to. So Friday will be the two week notice to Poopy Friends (Little Friends for those of you who don't know my humor)
Last night was the first night I went to an all women's small group that a few of us are starting. It will be small and simple, we are going to be reading a devotional and I can't tell you how exicited I am. I've been praying about an opportunity like this to come along for a while (seeing as I'm not married or seeing anyone seriously I knew the only small group I was interested in wouldn't work out.)
I've been delivered from so many things in my life but mainly old feelings and old temptations. God has opened my eyes to let me see the truth in situations and I feel very blessed. It's interesting I read that Satan not only produces thoughts, but he can produce feelings as well. Another deliverance would be from the 'party scene'. I had no desire to be there. It was fun being with the people I love this weekend, but as the night grew later I grew more disgusted. Guys coming to hit on me when I was clearly sober...it was just gross. For those of you who ask, I did have one glass of wine this weekend. I prayed about it and justified it and through it all have no conviction. I don't feel the need to explain it through blogging, but if you wonder how, you can ask in person. :)
My car is still working (keeping it always in my prayers to continue), as of February 22 my second credit card will be paid off. That leaves one left! The list goes on and on about how God has been working in my life. I hope this is the uphill climb that never faces down.
PS: This is my 200'th blogpost. Happy 200 to me.
First is first. I got offered a Director of Recruitment position at Northwestern Mutual on Monday afternoon. This would be a great opportunity for me to use my skills in networking and the money isn't bad either. I have great feelings about the people I will be working for, my interviews are a minimum of 1 1/2 hours simply because we get sidetracked talking about church and our faith. :) I feel a peace about this position, so today I will be calling and accepting the offer. God hasn't shown me a reason not to. So Friday will be the two week notice to Poopy Friends (Little Friends for those of you who don't know my humor)
Last night was the first night I went to an all women's small group that a few of us are starting. It will be small and simple, we are going to be reading a devotional and I can't tell you how exicited I am. I've been praying about an opportunity like this to come along for a while (seeing as I'm not married or seeing anyone seriously I knew the only small group I was interested in wouldn't work out.)
I've been delivered from so many things in my life but mainly old feelings and old temptations. God has opened my eyes to let me see the truth in situations and I feel very blessed. It's interesting I read that Satan not only produces thoughts, but he can produce feelings as well. Another deliverance would be from the 'party scene'. I had no desire to be there. It was fun being with the people I love this weekend, but as the night grew later I grew more disgusted. Guys coming to hit on me when I was clearly sober...it was just gross. For those of you who ask, I did have one glass of wine this weekend. I prayed about it and justified it and through it all have no conviction. I don't feel the need to explain it through blogging, but if you wonder how, you can ask in person. :)
My car is still working (keeping it always in my prayers to continue), as of February 22 my second credit card will be paid off. That leaves one left! The list goes on and on about how God has been working in my life. I hope this is the uphill climb that never faces down.
PS: This is my 200'th blogpost. Happy 200 to me.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
A Booze-free Me
This year I'm participating in Lent. I've never done it before, and for some reason it was easy for me to decide what to sacrifice. Not that drinking is a problem for me, because it's not. I felt that in any social situation there is always the temptation to have a beer, or glass of wine if it's with my lady friends. As of tomorrow I will have the strength to turn down that drink, because I'm giving up alcohol for Lent.
Yes, I was disappointed when I found out Lent starts tomorrow. Simply because my sorority sisters are coming into down for a reunion, and I know there would have been social drinking. I originally thought it was the second week of February. I could skip a drink on Valentine's Day (contrary to how depressed you probably think I would be) :) Just kidding side note: I'm actually extremely happy.
The thought to change my sacrifice quickly ran through my mind only because I know how hard this weekend will be for me. But then I thought about all the temptations Jesus experienced and He could do it. So, starting tomorrow there will be a booze-free Leslie.
Life is good.
Yes, I was disappointed when I found out Lent starts tomorrow. Simply because my sorority sisters are coming into down for a reunion, and I know there would have been social drinking. I originally thought it was the second week of February. I could skip a drink on Valentine's Day (contrary to how depressed you probably think I would be) :) Just kidding side note: I'm actually extremely happy.
The thought to change my sacrifice quickly ran through my mind only because I know how hard this weekend will be for me. But then I thought about all the temptations Jesus experienced and He could do it. So, starting tomorrow there will be a booze-free Leslie.
Life is good.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
One year...bittersweet
I sat here tonight with a good friend talking about the strength God is giving me in my heart. I'm facing challenges with confidence and really feel the need to be alone. I really feel I am in a place that I shouldn't be dating, no matter what my heart desires. God is blessing me with a lot of 'new' opportunities.
It was then I was going through my Bible and I found a list of things I was praying for a year ago. It's bittersweet.
2/19/07
-my bills paid
-my car fixed (don't remember what was wrong then)
-a new computer/computer fixed
-I want to love & be needed as well as to love and need in return
-to be comfortable with giving all control to God
-financial peace/security
-to love people unconditionally
-patience for my future
For those of you who have been keeping up with my blogs or my life in general, almost a year later I'm still praying for every single one of those things. I remember exactly where I was when I laid all of that in front of God, and it hits home today. I'm not sure what to think. God has blessed me in different ways and this past year a lot of these prayers have been answered. But how strange that they ALL fall true again.
It was then I was going through my Bible and I found a list of things I was praying for a year ago. It's bittersweet.
2/19/07
-my bills paid
-my car fixed (don't remember what was wrong then)
-a new computer/computer fixed
-I want to love & be needed as well as to love and need in return
-to be comfortable with giving all control to God
-financial peace/security
-to love people unconditionally
-patience for my future
For those of you who have been keeping up with my blogs or my life in general, almost a year later I'm still praying for every single one of those things. I remember exactly where I was when I laid all of that in front of God, and it hits home today. I'm not sure what to think. God has blessed me in different ways and this past year a lot of these prayers have been answered. But how strange that they ALL fall true again.
Too tired for God.
The Holy Spirit has been present in my heart these past few weeks. I've had a desire to worship at various times throughout the day but I find my heart mostly prepared for learning at night. I read a chapter in a book, or the Bible, and I go to bed.
Now, I've gotten back into my 'grandma' routine of going to bed at 9:30ish. I can't seem to wake up in the morning. I've skipped the gym all last week and I have yet to go this week. I can't seem to find the energy. My workout plan had a solid focus of taking care of the body God gave me. Yet I can't drag myself out of bed in the mornings to do so?
Besides my personal growth with God at night, during the day I seem bogged down. My energy level is shot and I find this prevents me from genuinely caring for others. I think about being quite and reserved instead of starting conversations that could lead to an explanation of my faith or a deep conversation with my co-workers. I drink coffee in the morning and some sort of caffeine in the afternoon but nothing seems to help. I'm exhausted.
Any advice on what could perk me up? I don't want to be too tired for God's work.
Now, I've gotten back into my 'grandma' routine of going to bed at 9:30ish. I can't seem to wake up in the morning. I've skipped the gym all last week and I have yet to go this week. I can't seem to find the energy. My workout plan had a solid focus of taking care of the body God gave me. Yet I can't drag myself out of bed in the mornings to do so?
Besides my personal growth with God at night, during the day I seem bogged down. My energy level is shot and I find this prevents me from genuinely caring for others. I think about being quite and reserved instead of starting conversations that could lead to an explanation of my faith or a deep conversation with my co-workers. I drink coffee in the morning and some sort of caffeine in the afternoon but nothing seems to help. I'm exhausted.
Any advice on what could perk me up? I don't want to be too tired for God's work.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Duh.
It's been a long time coming. I've earnestly prayed on my face before God for peace, and only temporarily received it. Trust me, I don't have it yet. But God has pointed me in the direction I'm supposed to take to gain it. Regardless of what my friends have suggested, I'm taking direction into my own hands.
With humility comes obedience.
PS: I needed to blog, sorry so vague.
With humility comes obedience.
PS: I needed to blog, sorry so vague.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
The Moment of Truth
Last night I decided to keep FOX tuned in after American Idol to catch a bit of the premier of "The Moment of Truth". Talk about a horrible show.
The theme of this show is the more questions you answer truthfully, the more money you get. A lie-detector test proves a truth or a lie. The clincher about this show is that your family and friends are sitting in the front row. The questions get more personal, and more detrimental to your relationships. Last night a former pro-football player got asked the following questions, "If your wife started to get a flabby stomach would you recommend liposuction?" and "Are you waiting to having children with your wife because you doubt she's your life partner?" He answered yes to both questions. Can you imagine being his wife?
There have been many times where I have faced that moment of truth in my life. Luckily I have the opportunity to explain myself. I have a feeling that this TV show will be the death of a lot of relationships.
The theme of this show is the more questions you answer truthfully, the more money you get. A lie-detector test proves a truth or a lie. The clincher about this show is that your family and friends are sitting in the front row. The questions get more personal, and more detrimental to your relationships. Last night a former pro-football player got asked the following questions, "If your wife started to get a flabby stomach would you recommend liposuction?" and "Are you waiting to having children with your wife because you doubt she's your life partner?" He answered yes to both questions. Can you imagine being his wife?
There have been many times where I have faced that moment of truth in my life. Luckily I have the opportunity to explain myself. I have a feeling that this TV show will be the death of a lot of relationships.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Steamboat Springs, Colorado.
My legs are bruised, my rear end hurts to sit, and my neck strains to keep upright. All in all, I think my trip to Colorado was a success.
Most of you may know me, and may wonder to yourself, "Does Leslie even ski?" Well folks, I'd like to say that I've spent the last few days snowboarding, or pretending to. I had to admit the sad reality to my friends last night though, I doubt I will be able to be the hot snowboarding wife anytime soon. :(
I love taking trips with Young Life because not only do I get to spend time with my highschool friends, but it's also time for me to get away from my life and for God to speak to me. I needed Him. Oh, did I need Him. The wipeouts, the muscle exhaustion, the frustration, and just the plain confusion of life, I called on God alot. My rough language was only used on the first day. And, no there were no YL kids around-I asked him to leave. :) I decided to go off on my own the second and third day. That way I was able to enjoy God's creation instead of pushing myself down the hill. How beautiful.
I've realized some things on this trip, which I'm sure I'll post about later. Thankfully, after a 42 hour combined bus ride, a trip to the hospital, 3 days of full snow exposure, fast food for 4 days straight, and a relaxing hot springs excursion, I'm glad to be back.
PS: I had my initial interview with Northwestern Mutual today. Yes, an hour after I got home. I'm on to phase 2.
Most of you may know me, and may wonder to yourself, "Does Leslie even ski?" Well folks, I'd like to say that I've spent the last few days snowboarding, or pretending to. I had to admit the sad reality to my friends last night though, I doubt I will be able to be the hot snowboarding wife anytime soon. :(
I love taking trips with Young Life because not only do I get to spend time with my highschool friends, but it's also time for me to get away from my life and for God to speak to me. I needed Him. Oh, did I need Him. The wipeouts, the muscle exhaustion, the frustration, and just the plain confusion of life, I called on God alot. My rough language was only used on the first day. And, no there were no YL kids around-I asked him to leave. :) I decided to go off on my own the second and third day. That way I was able to enjoy God's creation instead of pushing myself down the hill. How beautiful.
I've realized some things on this trip, which I'm sure I'll post about later. Thankfully, after a 42 hour combined bus ride, a trip to the hospital, 3 days of full snow exposure, fast food for 4 days straight, and a relaxing hot springs excursion, I'm glad to be back.
PS: I had my initial interview with Northwestern Mutual today. Yes, an hour after I got home. I'm on to phase 2.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Hi God.
So I've been absolutely exhausted the past two weeks. It's different starting a job that my every minute is consumed with work. Chasing after little kids, straining to keep them happy, and then when things calm down getting thrown into pre-school to keep me on my toes. This weekend I got to watch Lyza, which I always love, but kept me in the 'work mode'.
Monday I had a melt down. I am okay with saying that, because I look at it as a growing experience. My faith was strong, but I was so exhausted. I was looking at my finances to fix my car, I literally did NOT know where it would come from. I would have to use a credit card, and it's taken me SO long to get where I am (On my way out of debt that is.) I am mentally preparing myself for the Young Life ski-trip this weekend. I have been fighting a sickness since before Christmas. I was just not okay.
Then God stepped in. I was on my way to the Brown's to borrow their car that night, which they have so graciously let me have a majority of this past month. Something happened. Typically, with my car stuck in 4x4 low, I had to drive under 15mph (even on the highway-with hazards on) to prevent shaking and loud noises. I looked down and I was going 45mph. My car is out of 4-wheel drive! For the first time since December 23rd! I didn't fix it, and it's not like a body that can fix itself, it was God. I decided to forge the river and drive to Morton! It was the smoothest ride I've had.
I am so thankful for my working car and I am also thankful for a 16-hour bus ride to CO this weekend to catch up on my sleep!
Monday I had a melt down. I am okay with saying that, because I look at it as a growing experience. My faith was strong, but I was so exhausted. I was looking at my finances to fix my car, I literally did NOT know where it would come from. I would have to use a credit card, and it's taken me SO long to get where I am (On my way out of debt that is.) I am mentally preparing myself for the Young Life ski-trip this weekend. I have been fighting a sickness since before Christmas. I was just not okay.
Then God stepped in. I was on my way to the Brown's to borrow their car that night, which they have so graciously let me have a majority of this past month. Something happened. Typically, with my car stuck in 4x4 low, I had to drive under 15mph (even on the highway-with hazards on) to prevent shaking and loud noises. I looked down and I was going 45mph. My car is out of 4-wheel drive! For the first time since December 23rd! I didn't fix it, and it's not like a body that can fix itself, it was God. I decided to forge the river and drive to Morton! It was the smoothest ride I've had.
I am so thankful for my working car and I am also thankful for a 16-hour bus ride to CO this weekend to catch up on my sleep!
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Old Balls.
Whenever you have a birthday, there is ALWAYS that person who asks the cliche question, "Do you feel any older?" I have yet to feel older, until today. (Sorry if the title of this post offends anyone)
There was a group of girls that I got really close with the 4 years of college. We are all doing our own thing now, and it's actually an effort to get together. Whether its teaching, working, studying, our lives are on different schedules. I was talking with my friend Emily (who recently got engaged and is building a house with her fiance in Florida which will be done in September) and I got excited. Her life seems to be moving into the 'next stage'. She's a teacher with a fabulous ring (trust me, I'm saving the picture on my phone for my future hubby) and she's in the process of building her home. It was then through saying the typical "We really need to get together sometime soon, all of us" that great news was broken to me. One of our other college friends MOVED TO PEORIA yesterday.
Katie McGurn was the girl freshman year that didn't waste anytime getting to know anyone. She's the country club girl from the suburbs that liked to have fun. She was actually the one who taught me to walk correctly in stiletto heels. It's funny because Katie was the girl who thought Peoria smelled and thought townies were trashy. Throughout the years my appreciation for Katie has grown immensely and our relationship has blossomed. She attended my baptism and I took a pit-stop over Christmas to the McGurn household. Our conversations make it seem like no time was spent apart. And come to find out she took a job with CAT and lives 2 minutes away from me! My heart was racing and words can't describe how excited I am. She told me tonight, "I've been crying for days, I mean who knew I'd actually come back to Peoria"
Our lives are all changing, but regardless of where we are, these 6 girls always have my heart. Time will only tell where God will have each of us, but I am so excited to start "girls retreat weekends", bridal showers, baby showers, and just continue to grow with one another.
God-thank you for amazing friends.
There was a group of girls that I got really close with the 4 years of college. We are all doing our own thing now, and it's actually an effort to get together. Whether its teaching, working, studying, our lives are on different schedules. I was talking with my friend Emily (who recently got engaged and is building a house with her fiance in Florida which will be done in September) and I got excited. Her life seems to be moving into the 'next stage'. She's a teacher with a fabulous ring (trust me, I'm saving the picture on my phone for my future hubby) and she's in the process of building her home. It was then through saying the typical "We really need to get together sometime soon, all of us" that great news was broken to me. One of our other college friends MOVED TO PEORIA yesterday.
Katie McGurn was the girl freshman year that didn't waste anytime getting to know anyone. She's the country club girl from the suburbs that liked to have fun. She was actually the one who taught me to walk correctly in stiletto heels. It's funny because Katie was the girl who thought Peoria smelled and thought townies were trashy. Throughout the years my appreciation for Katie has grown immensely and our relationship has blossomed. She attended my baptism and I took a pit-stop over Christmas to the McGurn household. Our conversations make it seem like no time was spent apart. And come to find out she took a job with CAT and lives 2 minutes away from me! My heart was racing and words can't describe how excited I am. She told me tonight, "I've been crying for days, I mean who knew I'd actually come back to Peoria"
Our lives are all changing, but regardless of where we are, these 6 girls always have my heart. Time will only tell where God will have each of us, but I am so excited to start "girls retreat weekends", bridal showers, baby showers, and just continue to grow with one another.
God-thank you for amazing friends.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Ethan Michael
My heart is heavy. My poor little nephew was admitted to the hospital yesterday.If you can remember about a year ago in October my sister had to deliver Ethan 2 months early due to complications. Ethan has been a fighter his whole life. Overcoming the premature lungs he was born with, the various colds, tests, allergies, bronchitis, pneumonia, and also tubes in his ears. Although still skinny as a twig, he is growing and developing like he should with a personality just like his aunt!
Ethan has had a fever the past few days and regardless of anything they give him, it won't break. Turns out he has pneumonia again and is short of breath.
As I was driving home last night I broke into tears. I know God is in control, but for some reason it doesn't give me peace. Ethan is a strong little baby, he's made it this far. He is an answer to much prayer and a crucial turning point in my life. Ethan's saved life is a huge impact on my strong faith. It worries me because if he were to stop fighting through all this sickness, my life would be forever changed.
I just ask that all of you please pray for strength for Ethan and my sister's family. He could be just fine in a few days, I just feel extremely heavy-hearted right now. Nothing matters more to me then my little baby (ies).
CLARIFICATION-I just wanted to clear up something from my previous post. When I said I expect money in cards, I didn't mean ALL cards, just from family. :) And only because it seemed like growing up whenever I got a card, it had something in it.
Ethan has had a fever the past few days and regardless of anything they give him, it won't break. Turns out he has pneumonia again and is short of breath.
As I was driving home last night I broke into tears. I know God is in control, but for some reason it doesn't give me peace. Ethan is a strong little baby, he's made it this far. He is an answer to much prayer and a crucial turning point in my life. Ethan's saved life is a huge impact on my strong faith. It worries me because if he were to stop fighting through all this sickness, my life would be forever changed.
I just ask that all of you please pray for strength for Ethan and my sister's family. He could be just fine in a few days, I just feel extremely heavy-hearted right now. Nothing matters more to me then my little baby (ies).
CLARIFICATION-I just wanted to clear up something from my previous post. When I said I expect money in cards, I didn't mean ALL cards, just from family. :) And only because it seemed like growing up whenever I got a card, it had something in it.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Who I am..
God's been showing me who I should be. Today I've really evaluated who I am and it saddens me.
I'm the person who is trained to expect money in birthday cards.
I am ungrateful for gifts, although lame at times, still not ok.
I cry when my plans get changed all because a restaurant is closed on Tuesdays.
I act like I'm better than others.
I don't show appreciation very well to others.
I'm selfish.
I've learned tonight that although I like the image of the person I want to become, I don't like who I am. I'm 23 years old, it's time to start thinking of people BESIDES myself.
I want to thank my friends from the bottom of my heart for coming out to celebrate my birthday tonight. I promise, at 24 I'll be less bitter, I hope.
Lots of love.
I'm the person who is trained to expect money in birthday cards.
I am ungrateful for gifts, although lame at times, still not ok.
I cry when my plans get changed all because a restaurant is closed on Tuesdays.
I act like I'm better than others.
I don't show appreciation very well to others.
I'm selfish.
I've learned tonight that although I like the image of the person I want to become, I don't like who I am. I'm 23 years old, it's time to start thinking of people BESIDES myself.
I want to thank my friends from the bottom of my heart for coming out to celebrate my birthday tonight. I promise, at 24 I'll be less bitter, I hope.
Lots of love.
Monday, January 07, 2008
New Start
Today is the day where my life gets back on track. I have had a wonderful month of nothing but being on my face in front of God. Completely humbled. I strive daily to shape my heart to reflect God. A verse I have been reflecting on is Phil 4:2 "Be humble and gentle. Be patient. Bear onto others the gift of love."
I was able to begin my routine back again. Life was interrupted the second half of 2007, but it is now back on schedule and it feels great! I went to the gym at 6am, came home made coffee and breakfast and was able to sit and watch the news before going to work at 8am. My day went by so quickly because I did not have to find things to do to bide my time. Hours of training and playing with little babies took over my first day. Plus, I got to go home early! It was so nice to come home, cook dinner and just relax. My social life will be changing and I will yet again be the grandma, but I'm okay with that. I don't need to be a social butterfly, thats what college was for. Time to grow up.
God is going to do great things in 2008. I have a peace about my life and am so excited for what is in store. I am continually being faithful and daily working on being selfless.
Amen!
I was able to begin my routine back again. Life was interrupted the second half of 2007, but it is now back on schedule and it feels great! I went to the gym at 6am, came home made coffee and breakfast and was able to sit and watch the news before going to work at 8am. My day went by so quickly because I did not have to find things to do to bide my time. Hours of training and playing with little babies took over my first day. Plus, I got to go home early! It was so nice to come home, cook dinner and just relax. My social life will be changing and I will yet again be the grandma, but I'm okay with that. I don't need to be a social butterfly, thats what college was for. Time to grow up.
God is going to do great things in 2008. I have a peace about my life and am so excited for what is in store. I am continually being faithful and daily working on being selfless.
Amen!
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
A year in review...
Tears of gratitude and amazement fill my eyes when I think of my walk this past year. Justin I'm copying your 'strategy' of reflection...
January-
I was in a relationship that was not God centering, this was the month where conviction sank in. I started following God and took a leap of faith to quit my job to start Independence Media.
February-
The relationship ended and I got into my first car accident. As I emptied out my heart to make a new home for God depression sank in.
March-
The old had gone and I started whole-heartily towards God. I started working out and released the depression I had held onto. Life was beginning.
April-
Just busy with finishing up my senior service project for PARC. What an amazing experience of service.
May-
GRADUATION! It was something I'd be waiting for 4 long years. What a great transition to close a destructive chapter and begin a fruitful journey.
June-
Young Life camp. Wonderful yet again.
July-
California. The trip that changed my life. I found God's true beauty not only in California, but in my heart.
August-
I started my full-time job and took a wonderful trip to Florida with Gina, Summer and Molly.
September-
I had a great baptism ceremony. Work began to get rocky.
October-
Pretty lame month. Same struggles just more self development.
November-
I was in my first Christian relationship. God used this for my heart and I'm so grateful. Work sucked so I quit my job. I took a huge leap of faith in pretty much every area of my life. I found a church that speaks to me and I have a desire to be apart of more.
December-
I have had the opportunity in unemployment to grow new and old friendships. Search myself and grow in ways that I never knew.
The major theme I have found over the past year is that regardless of what goes on in my life God uses each situation to create me into the woman of God I need to be. I've been so blessed beyond belief! I'm excited to what God has in store for 2008. New year = New beginnings. The change I've seen in just a year causes much anticipation for 2008.
January-
I was in a relationship that was not God centering, this was the month where conviction sank in. I started following God and took a leap of faith to quit my job to start Independence Media.
February-
The relationship ended and I got into my first car accident. As I emptied out my heart to make a new home for God depression sank in.
March-
The old had gone and I started whole-heartily towards God. I started working out and released the depression I had held onto. Life was beginning.
April-
Just busy with finishing up my senior service project for PARC. What an amazing experience of service.
May-
GRADUATION! It was something I'd be waiting for 4 long years. What a great transition to close a destructive chapter and begin a fruitful journey.
June-
Young Life camp. Wonderful yet again.
July-
California. The trip that changed my life. I found God's true beauty not only in California, but in my heart.
August-
I started my full-time job and took a wonderful trip to Florida with Gina, Summer and Molly.
September-
I had a great baptism ceremony. Work began to get rocky.
October-
Pretty lame month. Same struggles just more self development.
November-
I was in my first Christian relationship. God used this for my heart and I'm so grateful. Work sucked so I quit my job. I took a huge leap of faith in pretty much every area of my life. I found a church that speaks to me and I have a desire to be apart of more.
December-
I have had the opportunity in unemployment to grow new and old friendships. Search myself and grow in ways that I never knew.
The major theme I have found over the past year is that regardless of what goes on in my life God uses each situation to create me into the woman of God I need to be. I've been so blessed beyond belief! I'm excited to what God has in store for 2008. New year = New beginnings. The change I've seen in just a year causes much anticipation for 2008.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Thoughts...
God is great. I don't know what it has been the past few days but my life is at peace. Here is why..
Great friends. I can't stress it enough how blessed I am to have the people in my life that I do. Wonderful conversations and growing deeper with new friends has changed my life.
I got a job at Little Friends daycare in Peoria. I start January 7th. I'm excited because I will be a teacher for a 6 weeks-12 months classroom. This means I get to love on little ones all day. :) My feeling is this will either tide my baby-jones phase until later or make it even worse, but I'm willing.
Although I found out that my transmission didn't go out but my transfer case was stuck in neutral in my car, I will still need a new shift motor for my 4x4 and a new module to control it. To fix it will cost a little under $1,000. I should be upset or worried or something, but I'm not. Tomorrow will be judgement day when I figure out what to do, either get it fixed or continue working on the plan I started two weeks ago to trade in my car.
I've released burdens, found peace, and today's message at Harvest really related to me. Jeff Donaldson from Chicago's Harvest spoke about really trusting God. He made a clarification between suffering (what Jesus went through) and life disappointments (mostly what we disguise as suffering). A busted computer, a broke down car, crappy job, etc etc has nothing on the price and true suffering that Jesus went through.
Great friends. I can't stress it enough how blessed I am to have the people in my life that I do. Wonderful conversations and growing deeper with new friends has changed my life.
I got a job at Little Friends daycare in Peoria. I start January 7th. I'm excited because I will be a teacher for a 6 weeks-12 months classroom. This means I get to love on little ones all day. :) My feeling is this will either tide my baby-jones phase until later or make it even worse, but I'm willing.
Although I found out that my transmission didn't go out but my transfer case was stuck in neutral in my car, I will still need a new shift motor for my 4x4 and a new module to control it. To fix it will cost a little under $1,000. I should be upset or worried or something, but I'm not. Tomorrow will be judgement day when I figure out what to do, either get it fixed or continue working on the plan I started two weeks ago to trade in my car.
I've released burdens, found peace, and today's message at Harvest really related to me. Jeff Donaldson from Chicago's Harvest spoke about really trusting God. He made a clarification between suffering (what Jesus went through) and life disappointments (mostly what we disguise as suffering). A busted computer, a broke down car, crappy job, etc etc has nothing on the price and true suffering that Jesus went through.
Thoughts...
God is great. I don't know what it has been the past few days but my life is at peace. Here is why..
Great friends. I can't stress it enough how blessed I am to have the people in my life that I do. Wonderful conversations and growing deeper with new friends has changed my life.
I got a job at Little Friends daycare in Peoria. I start January 7th. I'm excited because I will be a teacher for a 6 weeks-12 months classroom. This means I get to love on little ones all day. :) My feeling is this will either tide my baby-jones phase until later or make it even worse, but I'm willing.
Although I found out that my transmission didn't go out but my transfer case was stuck in neutral in my car, I will still need a new shift motor for my 4x4 and a new module to control it. To fix it will cost a little under $1,000. I should be upset or worried or something, but I'm not. Tomorrow will be judgement day when I figure out what to do, either get it fixed or continue working on the plan I started two weeks ago to trade in my car.
I've released burdens, found peace, and today's message at Harvest really related to me. Jeff Donaldson from Chicago's Harvest spoke about really trusting God. He made a clarification between suffering (what Jesus went through) and life disappointments (mostly what we disguise as suffering).
Great friends. I can't stress it enough how blessed I am to have the people in my life that I do. Wonderful conversations and growing deeper with new friends has changed my life.
I got a job at Little Friends daycare in Peoria. I start January 7th. I'm excited because I will be a teacher for a 6 weeks-12 months classroom. This means I get to love on little ones all day. :) My feeling is this will either tide my baby-jones phase until later or make it even worse, but I'm willing.
Although I found out that my transmission didn't go out but my transfer case was stuck in neutral in my car, I will still need a new shift motor for my 4x4 and a new module to control it. To fix it will cost a little under $1,000. I should be upset or worried or something, but I'm not. Tomorrow will be judgement day when I figure out what to do, either get it fixed or continue working on the plan I started two weeks ago to trade in my car.
I've released burdens, found peace, and today's message at Harvest really related to me. Jeff Donaldson from Chicago's Harvest spoke about really trusting God. He made a clarification between suffering (what Jesus went through) and life disappointments (mostly what we disguise as suffering).
Friday, December 28, 2007
Shout outs..
Okay so the past few days I have realized the importance of friendship. When you fall flat on your face for God, friends are what get you back on your feet. I have had too many friends to mention that have been here for me offering support, breakfast, or prayers, but there are a few that need to be thanked.
1. Kevin Sletten. I don't know anyone else who would let me drive their 2006 Audi A4 quattro (I think that means really fast in Spanish). I will admit that I did feel cool/hot driving it. So not only was it a source of transportation for me but a boost in self confidence.
2. My mom. Not only did she drive to Bloomington on Sunday to pick me up, but she let me borrow her car after I returned the Sletten mobile. I did have to run an errand for her, but for the sake of her sacrifice of staying at home, I did it without a problem.
3. Cory Brown. Thanks for letting me drive your sweet ride. I just would like to say how impressed I was when starting the car and having Power 92.3 blaring some rap. But the best experience I have had so far in the Accord is the flashback I had to 2002 when I heard the Avril Lavigne CD in slot #3. Taking me back to Junior year when I had my Honda and was pissed off at the world and would sing Avril at the top of my lungs. Thanks for that sweet memory Cory Brown.
4. Dan Bobbitt and Brandon Cruse are probably my heroes right now. In the rain, and freezing cold these two men of God hand-cranked my Ford Explorer onto a flatbed. They towed my car from Blooomington to East Peoria. It took longer than expected causing Brandon to be two hours late for work. I appreciate you boys and your muscles.
For everyone who has offered support, words of kindness, your cars, your prayers or even just your company, I thank you. It is because of the great people I have surrounding me that I am somewhat sane. God has me exactly where He wants me, and I look forward to what I'm in store for.
1. Kevin Sletten. I don't know anyone else who would let me drive their 2006 Audi A4 quattro (I think that means really fast in Spanish). I will admit that I did feel cool/hot driving it. So not only was it a source of transportation for me but a boost in self confidence.
2. My mom. Not only did she drive to Bloomington on Sunday to pick me up, but she let me borrow her car after I returned the Sletten mobile. I did have to run an errand for her, but for the sake of her sacrifice of staying at home, I did it without a problem.
3. Cory Brown. Thanks for letting me drive your sweet ride. I just would like to say how impressed I was when starting the car and having Power 92.3 blaring some rap. But the best experience I have had so far in the Accord is the flashback I had to 2002 when I heard the Avril Lavigne CD in slot #3. Taking me back to Junior year when I had my Honda and was pissed off at the world and would sing Avril at the top of my lungs. Thanks for that sweet memory Cory Brown.
4. Dan Bobbitt and Brandon Cruse are probably my heroes right now. In the rain, and freezing cold these two men of God hand-cranked my Ford Explorer onto a flatbed. They towed my car from Blooomington to East Peoria. It took longer than expected causing Brandon to be two hours late for work. I appreciate you boys and your muscles.
For everyone who has offered support, words of kindness, your cars, your prayers or even just your company, I thank you. It is because of the great people I have surrounding me that I am somewhat sane. God has me exactly where He wants me, and I look forward to what I'm in store for.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Broken.
So the past few days it's been getting harder and harder to hear the fact that I am unemployed. I don't know where God wants to use me, and I feel useless. I know I wasn't supposed to be at Independence, so I'm faithful in following, I just feel irresponsible.
Well although we joked about me being 'single and unemployed' the other night, we can add something else in the mix. I am staring out the window at my car that is parked crooked in front of my sisters house. It technically wasn't parked there, but we had to push it there this morning because my transmission went out.
Good thing I have a well-paying job that can pay for the tow truck back to Peoria, a new transmission, Christmas gifts for my niece and nephew, rent, cell phone bills, credit cards, car payment, and gas that have to be bought/paid for this week :)
God, I'm broken. So is my car.
Well although we joked about me being 'single and unemployed' the other night, we can add something else in the mix. I am staring out the window at my car that is parked crooked in front of my sisters house. It technically wasn't parked there, but we had to push it there this morning because my transmission went out.
Good thing I have a well-paying job that can pay for the tow truck back to Peoria, a new transmission, Christmas gifts for my niece and nephew, rent, cell phone bills, credit cards, car payment, and gas that have to be bought/paid for this week :)
God, I'm broken. So is my car.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Feminine Beauty..
I've decided to start reading "Captivating" again. I read it in highschool, but I have found that it means so much more to me now. My heart resonates with desire. About a month ago I felt desired... even beautiful.
Typically I'm the girl you can have a beer with and watch the game, the girl with a foul mouth, the one who will get competitive in sports, plain and simple..the girl that gets treated like one of the guys. I have never been the girl that guys seek. Maybe it's because I'm so assertive that I push people away. Who knows, but whatever it is I feel it changing.
(Disclaimer to all of my guy friends: I will still be the one who'd prefer to watch football then do the dishes)
God is preparing me for something. Just not sure what.
To be domestic, I decided to bake cookies from scratch today for a shin-dig tonight. Well, let's just say Strike 1. I used cold butter instead of soft, the consistency was too dry. The dough was too sticky to use the cute snowman cookie cutter, so I made balls. The cookies tasted alright, but looked like hockey-pucks. I was embarrassed, and threw them away. Looks like I'll be swinging by Kroger today. :)
Typically I'm the girl you can have a beer with and watch the game, the girl with a foul mouth, the one who will get competitive in sports, plain and simple..the girl that gets treated like one of the guys. I have never been the girl that guys seek. Maybe it's because I'm so assertive that I push people away. Who knows, but whatever it is I feel it changing.
(Disclaimer to all of my guy friends: I will still be the one who'd prefer to watch football then do the dishes)
God is preparing me for something. Just not sure what.
To be domestic, I decided to bake cookies from scratch today for a shin-dig tonight. Well, let's just say Strike 1. I used cold butter instead of soft, the consistency was too dry. The dough was too sticky to use the cute snowman cookie cutter, so I made balls. The cookies tasted alright, but looked like hockey-pucks. I was embarrassed, and threw them away. Looks like I'll be swinging by Kroger today. :)
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
My sincerest apologies
I just would like to make a public apology to all my loyal blog readers. Due to a broken computer I get electrocuted everytime I try to turn my computer on. It has lasted throughout college and I know it's time to upgrade. But I will have to make due until I can afford that expense. Therefor I have to get online at friends houses in order to keep updated on my 'internet involvement.'
I apologize to all you stay-at-home mothers or workers that escape their day by reading and checking blogs. I hope to get my computer fixed soon and be back in action.
Trust me, God's been doing a lot and I could post for days!
I apologize to all you stay-at-home mothers or workers that escape their day by reading and checking blogs. I hope to get my computer fixed soon and be back in action.
Trust me, God's been doing a lot and I could post for days!
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Evan Almighty.
Last night the roommates and I settled in and watched Evan Almighty. I've never seen it, but have heard good things about it.
The story was about Noah building the Arc, and how "Evan Almighty" had to leave everything to follow God and build this Arc. This was weird to his family, co-workers, community, etc. Everyone watched him and when God appeared to not be around, Evan stuck to his faith knowing God would provide.
Sounds a little like my journey right now. I can imagine everyone around me thinking I'm ridiculous for quitting my professional job for nothing. But I will be like Noah, and build my Arc regardless of what people think. God will be there.
The story was about Noah building the Arc, and how "Evan Almighty" had to leave everything to follow God and build this Arc. This was weird to his family, co-workers, community, etc. Everyone watched him and when God appeared to not be around, Evan stuck to his faith knowing God would provide.
Sounds a little like my journey right now. I can imagine everyone around me thinking I'm ridiculous for quitting my professional job for nothing. But I will be like Noah, and build my Arc regardless of what people think. God will be there.
Monday, December 10, 2007
The Right to be Right...
Some of you may know this about me, but I am very prideful when it comes to knowing things. I have experienced a lot, which allows me to know,or think I know answers to questions or situations that some may not. When searching my heart on Sunday at Harvest to find what I really need to surrender to God, this didn't come up. Although it was a choice in a list of issues many struggle with, I didn't think it was me. Control, yes. Job, haha YES. Relationship, you get the picture. But not the right to be right.
I have to be right on a lot of things. Maybe it's from my childhood always being in competition with my sisters, but if I know the answer to something you better believe I will stick to my guns to prove I'm right. Heck, I even correct my grammar in group prayers just to be right. That one time a year when I'm wrong (thats a joke..) I will admit it hesitantly. But even if someone backs down, I will still prove I'm right.
Pride is an awful thing. As I think about surrendering my right to be right I relate it to current issues I'm clinging to. As foolish as it may sound, I thought for once I was in a "real" relationship. I even told people just how real I thought it was. My heart was changing and there was no shred of doubt in my mind that it wouldn't last. As it has clearly been overwith for 3 weeks I have been clinging to that ounce of hope...why?
Maybe it's because I'm too prideful to admit I was wrong.
I have to be right on a lot of things. Maybe it's from my childhood always being in competition with my sisters, but if I know the answer to something you better believe I will stick to my guns to prove I'm right. Heck, I even correct my grammar in group prayers just to be right. That one time a year when I'm wrong (thats a joke..) I will admit it hesitantly. But even if someone backs down, I will still prove I'm right.
Pride is an awful thing. As I think about surrendering my right to be right I relate it to current issues I'm clinging to. As foolish as it may sound, I thought for once I was in a "real" relationship. I even told people just how real I thought it was. My heart was changing and there was no shred of doubt in my mind that it wouldn't last. As it has clearly been overwith for 3 weeks I have been clinging to that ounce of hope...why?
Maybe it's because I'm too prideful to admit I was wrong.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Vacation..
So as of yesterday, I am no longer required to go to Independence Media. I was told "Today is your last day." It was a very emotional discharge - on my managers part not mine. There was something he asked me to do, I did it, but not the way he wanted, and in his exact words, "I am making the executive decision that today is your last day." I said, "Okay."
I think he thought it would be an awkward situation for me. In reality, the only akward thing was him sitting there staring at me while I packed my stuff. (which he awkwardly suggested I do) Went around and gave hugs, said thanks to the other manager, and took my box and left. It felt like I was getting fired. But then I remembered I quit first.
Long story short, I get paid until next Friday. Thanks Independence Media for a week and a half paid vacation as a parting gift, thats nice.
I think he thought it would be an awkward situation for me. In reality, the only akward thing was him sitting there staring at me while I packed my stuff. (which he awkwardly suggested I do) Went around and gave hugs, said thanks to the other manager, and took my box and left. It felt like I was getting fired. But then I remembered I quit first.
Long story short, I get paid until next Friday. Thanks Independence Media for a week and a half paid vacation as a parting gift, thats nice.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Peace.
Yesterday I was talking with a friend about some theological issues. I love being challenged to search deep in my heart why I believe things or why I do what I do. Last night I was searching for clarity in one of my many situations.
Recognizing the huge leap of faith I am taking when it comes to my work situation, I was wondering why my life in other areas wasn't reflecting that faith. Why was work good enough to give to God but not relationships? I seemed to NEED clarity on that issue.
So what it all boils down to, is that regardless of where I am in life, how stupid my friends think I am, my whole life has jumped. :)
and i have peace.
Recognizing the huge leap of faith I am taking when it comes to my work situation, I was wondering why my life in other areas wasn't reflecting that faith. Why was work good enough to give to God but not relationships? I seemed to NEED clarity on that issue.
So what it all boils down to, is that regardless of where I am in life, how stupid my friends think I am, my whole life has jumped. :)
and i have peace.
Monday, December 03, 2007
I'm a follower...
So I did it, I decide to jump not knowing where God would have me land. I gave my two weeks notice this morning at Independence Media. I know God wants me to be in a different, not so hostile environment.
The past 6 months God has been doing amazing things in my life. I feel 100% confident that this is what I am supposed to do. I don't necessarily have anything planned after the 2 weeks, but I will continue to be diligent and obedient.
It's funny, after the individual one-on-one meetings this morning, everyone has walked out and given me a hug, or said "I envy you". When I have been asked what my reasoning was, or what I will be doing, I have the opportunity to witness to all I work with. Taking a leap and admitting that I really don't know what I'm doing afterwards, but that "God will provide" or "I need to be in an environment that supports my faith" really puts peace in my heart.
God, I jumped.
The past 6 months God has been doing amazing things in my life. I feel 100% confident that this is what I am supposed to do. I don't necessarily have anything planned after the 2 weeks, but I will continue to be diligent and obedient.
It's funny, after the individual one-on-one meetings this morning, everyone has walked out and given me a hug, or said "I envy you". When I have been asked what my reasoning was, or what I will be doing, I have the opportunity to witness to all I work with. Taking a leap and admitting that I really don't know what I'm doing afterwards, but that "God will provide" or "I need to be in an environment that supports my faith" really puts peace in my heart.
God, I jumped.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Leap of Faith..
I've been really wrestling with something God has weighed on my heart. Some of you may remember a vague blog post a few posts back, well it's the same situation.
I feel led to make a change in my life, a huge change. God has and is shaping my heart for change. With so much confusion I have yet to make a decision. There are obvious 'things' in my life that cause huge concern. The words came out of my mouth yesterday, "I'm standing at the edge and I'm ready to jump, just waiting for God to tell me north, south, east, or west."
Is that really a leap of faith?
Last night at Northwoods (Charlie this is kudos to you)was a sermon I definitely needed to hear.
-> Following obediently means following God knowing He's with you everystep of the way.
-> God has done it before, He can do it again.
-> We need to play all-in when it comes to God's will
-> We shouldn't just sit on the bank and let God clear the way before we head into the unknown.
-> Sometime God waits for us to take that leap before opening doors.
HMMMMM.....Should I jump?
I feel led to make a change in my life, a huge change. God has and is shaping my heart for change. With so much confusion I have yet to make a decision. There are obvious 'things' in my life that cause huge concern. The words came out of my mouth yesterday, "I'm standing at the edge and I'm ready to jump, just waiting for God to tell me north, south, east, or west."
Is that really a leap of faith?
Last night at Northwoods (Charlie this is kudos to you)was a sermon I definitely needed to hear.
-> Following obediently means following God knowing He's with you everystep of the way.
-> God has done it before, He can do it again.
-> We need to play all-in when it comes to God's will
-> We shouldn't just sit on the bank and let God clear the way before we head into the unknown.
-> Sometime God waits for us to take that leap before opening doors.
HMMMMM.....Should I jump?
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
On 10.
Today I came to a horrible realization that was definately 'blogworthy'. Every Wednesday Summer Molly and I go to Richwoods for lunch to hang out with our Young Life friends. It does give a sense of comfortability seeing friendly faces of teachers & administration. But today I had a horrible realization of how old I really was.
In the terazzo there was a bake sale today. My friend Kelsey told me that on the announcements this morning the bake sale was supposed to be 'on ten'. This didn't seem right to me. So I said, "On 10 tables? Wow they were way off, it's only on 1." BUT supposedly 'On 10' is a new slang phrase for "The Bomb" or "The S***".
I try to pride myself of being hip or up to date on things. This was the first time in my life my age showed. Wow.
In the terazzo there was a bake sale today. My friend Kelsey told me that on the announcements this morning the bake sale was supposed to be 'on ten'. This didn't seem right to me. So I said, "On 10 tables? Wow they were way off, it's only on 1." BUT supposedly 'On 10' is a new slang phrase for "The Bomb" or "The S***".
I try to pride myself of being hip or up to date on things. This was the first time in my life my age showed. Wow.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
A light in this world...
Sometimes there are things I just don't understand. As the weather has been getting colder and the sky getting darker, it seems as though gloom is all around me. I ache for my friends.
Coming in to work this morning I got some awful news. A girlfriend of a radio personality was in a car accident, she's in the hospital awaiting surgery but her brother passed away. This is the second loss she has experienced within a year; her father passed away in March.
Last week my friend's grandfather passed away, and I have heard of many relationships breaking up. With all of this gloom, to be a light in this world is a constant effort. I don't have reasons, but because I'm a Christian people ask me, "see why does this happen.." and I feel like I should know.
My heart goes out to all who ache. I pray that my faith will give comfort to others.
Coming in to work this morning I got some awful news. A girlfriend of a radio personality was in a car accident, she's in the hospital awaiting surgery but her brother passed away. This is the second loss she has experienced within a year; her father passed away in March.
Last week my friend's grandfather passed away, and I have heard of many relationships breaking up. With all of this gloom, to be a light in this world is a constant effort. I don't have reasons, but because I'm a Christian people ask me, "see why does this happen.." and I feel like I should know.
My heart goes out to all who ache. I pray that my faith will give comfort to others.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Thanksgiving Holiday..
A few points from my Thanksgiving Break...
1. Do NOT try to golf when it 30 degrees and windy.
2. Family football is a good idea until the day after and you are so sore.
3. Driving when you have a lot on your mind can be a good thing. (except when the only thing on the radio is Christmas music...)
4. Family can actually be a good thing when things aren't going so well.
5. God can still speak to my heart to realize I am blessed no matter what storms I am going through.
I have finally received peace that I have needed for a week. As hard as it is for something to end that didn't seem wrong, I know God is working in my heart. I will never waste my time on a relationship that was anything less then what I just experienced. God is turning me into a 'sally' and I think I'm okay with that. I just know God is doing wonderful things in my heart and one day bless my life with a man that deserves me and an amazing family.
Now, the storm I have to get through is everyday from 8am-5pm.
1. Do NOT try to golf when it 30 degrees and windy.
2. Family football is a good idea until the day after and you are so sore.
3. Driving when you have a lot on your mind can be a good thing. (except when the only thing on the radio is Christmas music...)
4. Family can actually be a good thing when things aren't going so well.
5. God can still speak to my heart to realize I am blessed no matter what storms I am going through.
I have finally received peace that I have needed for a week. As hard as it is for something to end that didn't seem wrong, I know God is working in my heart. I will never waste my time on a relationship that was anything less then what I just experienced. God is turning me into a 'sally' and I think I'm okay with that. I just know God is doing wonderful things in my heart and one day bless my life with a man that deserves me and an amazing family.
Now, the storm I have to get through is everyday from 8am-5pm.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Pride
How long do you let your pride keep you from being volunerable. Always tired of the same mistakes, showing weakness. Never wanting anyone to see it and when they do you are embarrassed. Pushing people away.
This week I have turned over that leaf. I have been run down. I am on empty. It's time that I open my heart, spill what is left of it out. With this I hope to fill up with God's fresh love. Today I realized that it's okay to not be strong.
This week I have turned over that leaf. I have been run down. I am on empty. It's time that I open my heart, spill what is left of it out. With this I hope to fill up with God's fresh love. Today I realized that it's okay to not be strong.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Lessons Learned
Thinking back on where I've been, God has gotten me through a lot. Each circumstance has brought a lesson in my life. As I search for answers to possible 'lessons' I'm supposed to learn in this set of storms, I've come up with a few possibilities.
1. God's unwavering grace. The positive people I'm surrounded with keep me reminded that God continually blesses me. I am no where near where I used to be when I was without Him. Times get tough, but my faith gets stronger.
2. I am a witness. With the recent changes in my life, I am a witness to those around me. Young Life kids, co-workers, etc, etc. The way I handle situations reflects God in my heart. I could potentially lead someone around me to see Christ in my thoughts, words, and actions.
3. I deserve a Christian relationship. Until Ryan I never felt that in my heart. I never believed that a Christian man could love me/care for me because of where I've been. Ryan's genuine Christian heart allowed me to open up about my past and rest assured that I was a new person in Christ. If anything, I can walk away knowing that I can be respected.
4. Patience rested in faith.
5. The power of prayer is huge. I will do nothing in my day but pray. Prayer for praise, prayer for restoration, prayer for peace, and prayer for softening of hearts. Prayer is huge and I feel this is my only way to be vulnerable and raw with God. ...ask and you shall receieve, knock and He will answer....
My storms are not yet over. After much surrender, I know God is with me. I will not be sure of what God is trying to teach me right now, until these storms pass. My heart will be shaped and molded into what God desires, but until that day when the ache of change is gone, I will praise my God for every day of deliverance.
1. God's unwavering grace. The positive people I'm surrounded with keep me reminded that God continually blesses me. I am no where near where I used to be when I was without Him. Times get tough, but my faith gets stronger.
2. I am a witness. With the recent changes in my life, I am a witness to those around me. Young Life kids, co-workers, etc, etc. The way I handle situations reflects God in my heart. I could potentially lead someone around me to see Christ in my thoughts, words, and actions.
3. I deserve a Christian relationship. Until Ryan I never felt that in my heart. I never believed that a Christian man could love me/care for me because of where I've been. Ryan's genuine Christian heart allowed me to open up about my past and rest assured that I was a new person in Christ. If anything, I can walk away knowing that I can be respected.
4. Patience rested in faith.
5. The power of prayer is huge. I will do nothing in my day but pray. Prayer for praise, prayer for restoration, prayer for peace, and prayer for softening of hearts. Prayer is huge and I feel this is my only way to be vulnerable and raw with God. ...ask and you shall receieve, knock and He will answer....
My storms are not yet over. After much surrender, I know God is with me. I will not be sure of what God is trying to teach me right now, until these storms pass. My heart will be shaped and molded into what God desires, but until that day when the ache of change is gone, I will praise my God for every day of deliverance.
Monday, November 19, 2007
My storms
It seems that when I feel the closest to God, Satan attacks, at everything I have. My favorite song depicts what I have to do, what I need to believe, and where I need to humble myself to my God. My prayer request is for peace. Peace in my relationships, finances, and job, because right now it's all up in the air.
"Praise you in this Storm" by Casting Crowns
I was sure by now God you would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
that it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear your whisper through the rain,
I'm with you
and as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus:
And i'll praise you in this storm
and i will lift my hands
that you are who you are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
you hold in your hand
you never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
you heard my cry you raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find you
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
I'm with you
and as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
"Praise you in this Storm" by Casting Crowns
I was sure by now God you would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
that it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear your whisper through the rain,
I'm with you
and as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus:
And i'll praise you in this storm
and i will lift my hands
that you are who you are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
you hold in your hand
you never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
you heard my cry you raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find you
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
I'm with you
and as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
Have you ever felt cheated?
Imagine being afraid of flying. Through God's grace you met a pilot. You had the desire to fly, so you decided it best to educate yourself to make it easier. You built a friendship with the pilot, learned about the plane, read books, sought advice, when the time comes you are ready to fly. The pilot cancels the trip. Imagine what that feels like in your heart.
I feel that now.
I feel that now.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
My work day...
These are the things we watch at work...in addition to facebook, blogs, myspace...can you tell I'm really 'into' my job?
PS: If you think it's dumb, keep watching.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5im0Ssyyus
PS: If you think it's dumb, keep watching.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5im0Ssyyus
Monday, November 12, 2007
For Sale
I know mostly my friends read this blog, and they already know...but my car is for sale.
It's a 2002 Ford Explorer XLT V8.
Tan leather interior/tan exterior
Sunroof
6 changer CD player
towing package
4 wheel drive
100k
$9,500
Let me know if you or anyone you know would be interested.
It's a 2002 Ford Explorer XLT V8.
Tan leather interior/tan exterior
Sunroof
6 changer CD player
towing package
4 wheel drive
100k
$9,500
Let me know if you or anyone you know would be interested.
Fall Weekend
This past weekend I had the privilege of spending a weekend with high school kids and young life friends. It was definitely a challenging experience but God spoke to me throughout this weekend.
For certain reasons I have to be indirect on this subject. I feel very lead to make a change in my life, and I pray that God continues to open doors for me. It's one of those times in life where I have told God, lead me and I will follow. I received peace hearing God tell me that He would take care of me in my worries about the situation.
I just am grateful that God speaks to me and for once in my life I hear Him clearly.
For certain reasons I have to be indirect on this subject. I feel very lead to make a change in my life, and I pray that God continues to open doors for me. It's one of those times in life where I have told God, lead me and I will follow. I received peace hearing God tell me that He would take care of me in my worries about the situation.
I just am grateful that God speaks to me and for once in my life I hear Him clearly.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
It's about time..
I've been post-poning this blog post until I felt I could openly tell you all the truth. I have a boyfriend.
I know, try to contain yourselves. ;) It's something completely different for me to handle. And for all my friends who worried about me last time, Ryan IS a man of God. He challenged me spiritually from the first time we started talking. Our conversations cease to end, heck our 1st date was 4 1/2 hours long at Panera. We saw the lunch crowd, the emptyness, and then the dinner crowd.
For the first time in my life I don't question my relationship. Typically Satan puts ideas in my head, or negative thoughts, but Ryan does not confirm any of them. I love the time we spend together laughing and being stupid. He has a huge servant heart.
I am excited and praising God everyday. I don't deserve a guy like Ryan, but I will surely be diligent for my Lord who always provides.
I know, try to contain yourselves. ;) It's something completely different for me to handle. And for all my friends who worried about me last time, Ryan IS a man of God. He challenged me spiritually from the first time we started talking. Our conversations cease to end, heck our 1st date was 4 1/2 hours long at Panera. We saw the lunch crowd, the emptyness, and then the dinner crowd.
For the first time in my life I don't question my relationship. Typically Satan puts ideas in my head, or negative thoughts, but Ryan does not confirm any of them. I love the time we spend together laughing and being stupid. He has a huge servant heart.
I am excited and praising God everyday. I don't deserve a guy like Ryan, but I will surely be diligent for my Lord who always provides.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
My cross..My attack
One of the things that I have always struggled with (and I KNOW I'm not alone) is money. A friend said it best today, "I'm paying for the mistakes I made years ago." I know God is a faithful God, and He has ALWAYS provided. Especially to diligent and earnest servants. Things have been going really good in my life. I see Satan taking this opportunity to attack my cross that I bear regarding finances. I pray for the day that I worry no longer and that I am able to provide for others that lack.
Monday, November 05, 2007
The Gym Clique
Summer and I have been on a workout schedule for maybe 1-2 months? I don't exactly remember what triggered us to start our 6am workout, but despite some accidents and illness, we have stayed strong. Each morning my routine after my workout pretty much stays the same. In the locker room there is a group of women (clique) that must have known each other for years. They talk about family, relationships, TV, shopping...the typical female locker room stuff. Me being the social butterfly that I am, I get ready on the complete opposite side of the locker room and keep to myself. Today the locker room barrier was broken. We spoke.
Here I was, minding my own business getting ready to hop in the sauna when
Clique Member #1 asked me where I got my bandeau towel. Caught off guard I answered her, and a conversation struck up. (Mind you, only about towels- she uses the towel service at Golds)
Clique member #2 thanked me when I got her papertowel to dry her hands without her asking for it.
Clique Member #3 was surprised I noticed her hair color was darker and told me I was the only one who noticed when I complimented her on it.
I prayed God would work in my heart this morning when I woke up. I want to show people love and kindness. I broke the Locker room barrier. Maybe in another few months I will actually be able to get ready near them. :)
Here I was, minding my own business getting ready to hop in the sauna when
Clique Member #1 asked me where I got my bandeau towel. Caught off guard I answered her, and a conversation struck up. (Mind you, only about towels- she uses the towel service at Golds)
Clique member #2 thanked me when I got her papertowel to dry her hands without her asking for it.
Clique Member #3 was surprised I noticed her hair color was darker and told me I was the only one who noticed when I complimented her on it.
I prayed God would work in my heart this morning when I woke up. I want to show people love and kindness. I broke the Locker room barrier. Maybe in another few months I will actually be able to get ready near them. :)
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Peace
God has been speaking to me the past two weeks. Not only have I had a constant peace about things in life, I am genuinely happy. I feel compassion, I feel love, and I feel patience.
Yesterday on my way to the gym I heard 1 of my favorite worship songs, "Praise you in this Storm" by Casting Crowns. On my way home from the gym I heard my 2nd favorite, "Love Song for a Savior" by Jars of Clay. The previous night I had the song stuck in my head from church..strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord..I heard that on the way from my house to work. It was one of those moments where I just needed to praise God then and there.
Last night I had a 'raw' moment with God. It was one of those moments that I felt all the burdens I have been carrying lifted off my shoulders. I wept in praise.
I am so excited for the things God is doing in my heart, and also what He is providing for my heart! :)
Yesterday on my way to the gym I heard 1 of my favorite worship songs, "Praise you in this Storm" by Casting Crowns. On my way home from the gym I heard my 2nd favorite, "Love Song for a Savior" by Jars of Clay. The previous night I had the song stuck in my head from church..strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord..I heard that on the way from my house to work. It was one of those moments where I just needed to praise God then and there.
Last night I had a 'raw' moment with God. It was one of those moments that I felt all the burdens I have been carrying lifted off my shoulders. I wept in praise.
I am so excited for the things God is doing in my heart, and also what He is providing for my heart! :)
Friday, October 26, 2007
Diligence = Deliverance
This semester our Young Life team focused on a devotional that discussed the importance of diligence in our lives. As a personal goal I wanted to be more obiedient to God. In doing so I've experienced Satan's attack.
Last Wednesday I heard Jeff Schwartzentraub give a message on Getting through the Wilderness. I went to church that night with a full obiedient heart, not searching for what I would get out of my experience. But the result has changed my heart. I was able to release a burden I have been carrying all of my life. My efforts have been rewarded with peace.
Last Wednesday I heard Jeff Schwartzentraub give a message on Getting through the Wilderness. I went to church that night with a full obiedient heart, not searching for what I would get out of my experience. But the result has changed my heart. I was able to release a burden I have been carrying all of my life. My efforts have been rewarded with peace.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Battlefield..
Last night I started reading this book about the battlefields of our minds. I only read the first chapter because I like to absorb and work through each subject.
As a remember before my Christian days the ideas of Satan and God seemed very cartoonish to me. You know, the good angel bad devil stuff. Like the ideas were aparations floating above me, not real figures in today's world. Even as I read last night I struggled with the idea of presenting Satan and God to a non-Christian. How can I describe the evils of Satan without sounding either 'looney' or 'churchy'.
Today I am under great attack. I believe it's because I'm starting from square one to get rid of the 'strongholds' that I have had in my mind from years ago that lead me to feel the way I do now. Every minute goes by and something new is going on about how I feel. I don't feel content. I see glimpses of a peaceful mind. Today is definately a day that I should have taken a personal day.
PS: Doesn't help that work is pretty slow!
As a remember before my Christian days the ideas of Satan and God seemed very cartoonish to me. You know, the good angel bad devil stuff. Like the ideas were aparations floating above me, not real figures in today's world. Even as I read last night I struggled with the idea of presenting Satan and God to a non-Christian. How can I describe the evils of Satan without sounding either 'looney' or 'churchy'.
Today I am under great attack. I believe it's because I'm starting from square one to get rid of the 'strongholds' that I have had in my mind from years ago that lead me to feel the way I do now. Every minute goes by and something new is going on about how I feel. I don't feel content. I see glimpses of a peaceful mind. Today is definately a day that I should have taken a personal day.
PS: Doesn't help that work is pretty slow!
Friday, October 05, 2007
Monday, October 01, 2007
Movie Review: "The Ultimate Gift"
I'm typically not the person who does reviews on movies or music, but after watching "The Ultimate Gift" I had to do something that spread the word about this great movie.
The main character goes through some huge challenges in order to receive this gift from his dead grandfather. As materialistic as this man is, he is intrigued by the anonymity of the gift. Throughout the movie he faces realizations that I believe every one of us should analyze on a daily basis.
After the movie was over I was looking at my life and realizing all of the gifts God has blessed me with. Sometimes we get so caught up in the materialisim of life. I highly recommend this movie to everyone, especially youth ministry leaders.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Job.
The past few nights I have had the urge to read the book of Job. (This post isn't about my j-o-b unfortunately, I wish I could blog about that...)
Job was so faithful to his Father. Through his faithfulness, God blessed Job with abundance of livestock and a great family. Even after Satan got permission to 'test' Job from God, Job still remained faithful. (It's sounding now where I'm reading that Job is questioning things, but I'm not there yet..) Something else struck me funny.
"When the parties were over, Job would get up early in the morning and sacrifice a burnt offering for each of his children, thinking, "Maybe one of them sinned by defying God inwardly." Job made a habit of this sacrificial atonement, just in case they'd sinned."
My question is can Job really sacrifice for his children and God forgive them? I know this is the Old Testament but there is a case in the New Testament where Jesus mentions to a crippled man, "You are saved by your friend's faith."
I have my thoughts on this, but I'd be interested in hearing what you guys think about this.
Job was so faithful to his Father. Through his faithfulness, God blessed Job with abundance of livestock and a great family. Even after Satan got permission to 'test' Job from God, Job still remained faithful. (It's sounding now where I'm reading that Job is questioning things, but I'm not there yet..) Something else struck me funny.
"When the parties were over, Job would get up early in the morning and sacrifice a burnt offering for each of his children, thinking, "Maybe one of them sinned by defying God inwardly." Job made a habit of this sacrificial atonement, just in case they'd sinned."
My question is can Job really sacrifice for his children and God forgive them? I know this is the Old Testament but there is a case in the New Testament where Jesus mentions to a crippled man, "You are saved by your friend's faith."
I have my thoughts on this, but I'd be interested in hearing what you guys think about this.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Friday, September 21, 2007
My intentions...
Things this week have been pretty crazy for me. With the changes in work, things just seem so unstable. Time flies by and so does my time with God. I sit down, more like lay down, to be with God and end up falling asleep. Last night my schedule was open, and I took full advantage of it.
For my baptisim, I got the book titled, "The Secrets of the Secret Place". I'm using this as a study guide for my campaigner girls, but last night I read a chapter that really got a thought process started.
I have always thought being a Christian was a way to live your life, believing in what God did for us, and impacting the lives of others. In the chapter I was reading it talked about not being a Christian to impact other's lives. But the main purpose of being a Christian is to be closer to God. It's a simple thought but in reality I can honestly say I don't think I've processed that before. I do want to be Christ-like because I believe thats how God made us. But I wanted to be a positive influence on other people. With that in mind I use other people as accountability. But in reality I should want to do this for God.
Today I am pushing through work with that focus in mind. Suffering through cold calls, for God only.
For my baptisim, I got the book titled, "The Secrets of the Secret Place". I'm using this as a study guide for my campaigner girls, but last night I read a chapter that really got a thought process started.
I have always thought being a Christian was a way to live your life, believing in what God did for us, and impacting the lives of others. In the chapter I was reading it talked about not being a Christian to impact other's lives. But the main purpose of being a Christian is to be closer to God. It's a simple thought but in reality I can honestly say I don't think I've processed that before. I do want to be Christ-like because I believe thats how God made us. But I wanted to be a positive influence on other people. With that in mind I use other people as accountability. But in reality I should want to do this for God.
Today I am pushing through work with that focus in mind. Suffering through cold calls, for God only.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
My passion..
Yesterday was a very defensive day. With changes in the market with Hippie radio 101.1 we have been faced with a lot of skeptics. There is even a website where radio folks, who have nothing better to do with their time, do nothing but talk smack about jocks, stations, etc. I found myself getting defensive.
But with this in my heart, I realized my passion. I have always had a love for music of all genres. But now music is my passion. I have dedicated my career to music and I know the power of radio for advertisers. My mission is to grow businesses through the power of music.
Today I feel energized to go show people my passion and excitement for not only Hippie 101.1 but radio.
But with this in my heart, I realized my passion. I have always had a love for music of all genres. But now music is my passion. I have dedicated my career to music and I know the power of radio for advertisers. My mission is to grow businesses through the power of music.
Today I feel energized to go show people my passion and excitement for not only Hippie 101.1 but radio.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Hippie Radio..
The past day has been filled with change for my job and Independence Media as a whole. Most of the time people are scared with change, and I can't lie, I was at first. As of tomorrow, we are introducing a new format to this market. Mix 101.1 that was once carried by Scott & Gin will now be Hippie 101.1.
http://www.hippieradio.net/ (program website)
http://www.myhippie.com/ (local website)
Check it out, and Baby Boomers around tune in to Hippie Radio starting Wednesday the 19th!
http://www.hippieradio.net/ (program website)
http://www.myhippie.com/ (local website)
Check it out, and Baby Boomers around tune in to Hippie Radio starting Wednesday the 19th!
Monday, September 17, 2007
Liberty Mutual..
The power of advertising is something I have chosen to base my career on. Yesterday as I was relaxing watching the Cubs and Bears dominate, a commercial came across that caught my eye.
http://www.whyresponsibility.com/
Although this morning it took me long to figure out what company it was, because the creative of the commercial was what really stuck in my mind...I watched this again and still got that good feeling. What an inspiration, and to show that everytime we do something nice for someone else, people are watching. What can this say about our Christian lives? If we live like Jesus on a daily basis, doing things out of love and kindness, people will notice and in turn do the same thing.
http://www.whyresponsibility.com/
Although this morning it took me long to figure out what company it was, because the creative of the commercial was what really stuck in my mind...I watched this again and still got that good feeling. What an inspiration, and to show that everytime we do something nice for someone else, people are watching. What can this say about our Christian lives? If we live like Jesus on a daily basis, doing things out of love and kindness, people will notice and in turn do the same thing.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Yoga
Technically Friday are 'optional' days on Summer's and my workout plan. With interuptions yesterday neither of us went. (She actually had a puking kid, I just needed sleep.) This wonderful Friday morning, while the sun was still sleeping, Summer and I decided to attend the 5:30 am Yoga class at Gold's. A few reflections:
1. I am not as flexible as I once was.
2. I never knew how 'tight' my body was until I was stretching it.
3. My back as never felt so good then when I was in the different positions.
There was quite a spiritual side to Yoga that I was never aware of. I always thought of hippies when I thought of yoga. (According to Blue Like Jazz hippies have the unconditional love like Christians should, minus the whole pot thing.) We prayed for a blessing before and after the session and we meditated before we began. This provided a time to get one on one with God. Although my muscles were quaking during some of the routine, I will have to say I thoroughly enjoyed downward dogging it all morning.
(I just wonder how sore I will be tomorrow)
1. I am not as flexible as I once was.
2. I never knew how 'tight' my body was until I was stretching it.
3. My back as never felt so good then when I was in the different positions.
There was quite a spiritual side to Yoga that I was never aware of. I always thought of hippies when I thought of yoga. (According to Blue Like Jazz hippies have the unconditional love like Christians should, minus the whole pot thing.) We prayed for a blessing before and after the session and we meditated before we began. This provided a time to get one on one with God. Although my muscles were quaking during some of the routine, I will have to say I thoroughly enjoyed downward dogging it all morning.
(I just wonder how sore I will be tomorrow)
Monday, September 10, 2007
Monday Monday..
As I sit here at my desk this Monday morning, I wonder where my weekend went. Friday night I got the privilege to help my friends make their new house a home. This included painting, and ripping up floors. How exiciting that I was able to be apart of their new life. Saturday was a day dedicated to Young Life. I spent 7 hours (no I'm not complaining Summer) getting trained and hanging out with my fellow Young Life leaders. Saturday night was a great time to share with my old college roomates that came in town just for Sunday.
As I have mentioned in previous blog posts, God has been working in my heart. One of the things I have been challenged to do was to finally give my heart to Him. To symbolize my acceptance of this, I made a public declaration in front of my friends and family. Yesterday I was baptized. Not your average baptisim I must say, I mean how many people can say they have seen someone baptized in a softtub?
I would have people ask me, "So how do you feel?" after the actual dipping, and in complete honesty I didn't feel any different. Well, not until I was trying to sleep and kept tossing and turning. I was replaying the events in my head, wondering the effect this had on others. I'm not the type of person who can handle compliments, or cry for that matter. But yesterday I was forced to accept the nice things people said about me, with a simple "Thank you." I knew it would be an emotional day, but I don't think I have ever been as nervous as I was. My hands were shaking, my stomach was turning, I couldn't even get through the first paragraph of my testimony without crying for pete's sake.
I enjoyed being able to share this experience with my friends. I was finally able to talk to my college friends about my faith in a way that would explain why I moved away. I affirmed my mom after all the years of a broken relationship, and I got to finally thank the people who broke down the wall around my heart, the Waids.
I now realize that declaring this step in front of 40 people must bring about change in my life. I have 40 brothers and sisters in Christ that don't want to see me fall. What an inspiration to be a better person.
Thank you to everyone who was able to share this day with me. I love you all.
As I have mentioned in previous blog posts, God has been working in my heart. One of the things I have been challenged to do was to finally give my heart to Him. To symbolize my acceptance of this, I made a public declaration in front of my friends and family. Yesterday I was baptized. Not your average baptisim I must say, I mean how many people can say they have seen someone baptized in a softtub?
I would have people ask me, "So how do you feel?" after the actual dipping, and in complete honesty I didn't feel any different. Well, not until I was trying to sleep and kept tossing and turning. I was replaying the events in my head, wondering the effect this had on others. I'm not the type of person who can handle compliments, or cry for that matter. But yesterday I was forced to accept the nice things people said about me, with a simple "Thank you." I knew it would be an emotional day, but I don't think I have ever been as nervous as I was. My hands were shaking, my stomach was turning, I couldn't even get through the first paragraph of my testimony without crying for pete's sake.
I enjoyed being able to share this experience with my friends. I was finally able to talk to my college friends about my faith in a way that would explain why I moved away. I affirmed my mom after all the years of a broken relationship, and I got to finally thank the people who broke down the wall around my heart, the Waids.
I now realize that declaring this step in front of 40 people must bring about change in my life. I have 40 brothers and sisters in Christ that don't want to see me fall. What an inspiration to be a better person.
Thank you to everyone who was able to share this day with me. I love you all.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Christianity in sales..
The reputation of a sales professional is money grubbing and scandalous. That is a stereotype that I am dedicating myself to break. I have noticed a continual struggle with my workday. My goal is to have my work glorify God. I want to serve other's and their businesses by offering growth through radio. The problem with breaking the stereotype is that people automatically assume you are nothing but a sleazy salesperson. It takes tough skin, a genuine heart and perseverance to show them the difference. I'm working on that.
I want my work to glorify God. I know He will provide me with clients that will see my true heart. Until then I pray for unconditional love to the people who call me names, and have nothing but rude comments in response. I want to be the difference in sales, at Independence Media, and to the community in which I am calling on. The difference with my work will be my character, which is solely a result of God in my heart.
(It's nice to know that the corporate employee I shared this with yesterday is in full support of my method.)
I want my work to glorify God. I know He will provide me with clients that will see my true heart. Until then I pray for unconditional love to the people who call me names, and have nothing but rude comments in response. I want to be the difference in sales, at Independence Media, and to the community in which I am calling on. The difference with my work will be my character, which is solely a result of God in my heart.
(It's nice to know that the corporate employee I shared this with yesterday is in full support of my method.)
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Something new..
Since I am getting baptized on Sunday, I am using this opportunity to discover secrets hiding in my heart so I can completely get washed clean.
A theme that I never really thought of before was my body being God's not mine. The things I do with and to myself aren't just hurting me, it's against the Holy Spirit that is in my heart. Summer and I have started a 6am workout. So we can get a workout in before work and kids get out of bed. It definately was a different experience getting ready for work at the gym. I enjoyed it! It's only 9am and I'm wide awake!
Church this weekend definately got me inspired to give my all to God in all I do. This week I will focus on my work being for God, instead of my career.
I pray that God continue to shine a light on things that I should focus on, and give away to Him this Sunday.
A theme that I never really thought of before was my body being God's not mine. The things I do with and to myself aren't just hurting me, it's against the Holy Spirit that is in my heart. Summer and I have started a 6am workout. So we can get a workout in before work and kids get out of bed. It definately was a different experience getting ready for work at the gym. I enjoyed it! It's only 9am and I'm wide awake!
Church this weekend definately got me inspired to give my all to God in all I do. This week I will focus on my work being for God, instead of my career.
I pray that God continue to shine a light on things that I should focus on, and give away to Him this Sunday.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Christianity after college.
Since graduating I have had the wonderful opportunity to take three trips this summer. Throughout these times God has spoken to me and I believe has really changed and formed my heart. Here is a recap.
1. There were different times where I felt God moving into my heart asking for everything. I was reading this book called Time Bandits when I was consumed by my worries. A quote mentioning, "Concern yourself with what concerns Me, and I will take care of the things that worry you." I have been blessed by 2 out of the 3 worries have been taken care of. I know things will always not be this worry free but I am okay with believing God will take care of them when they arise.
2. I'm getting baptized. I believe this summer God has really weighed on my heart to start clean. To make a declaration of my surrender to Him. To make this even more meaningful, I am having not only my mentor but my friend baptize me. It will be a little different then the typical church ceremonies, I will be baptized at the Sletten's house by Summer.
3. I have found that I am completely in disgust by the life I used to live. The way people act as if their lives aren't important, and all they are out for is a good thrill made me feel sorry for them. I am so glad finally I have been delivered by what was a struggle of mine for years.
4. I laugh about it now, but I genuinely feel for people. A couple of weeks ago I saw someone weaping, and my heart ached for them. I cried at some stupid Mandy Moore movie because she was letting herself love another. I recieved a gift from someone and I cried like a baby. I have been praying for immense compassion and I have found it. I wasn't crying for any other reason then sympathy and celebration.
I recognize daily the gifts I have from God. I search biblical ways to handle situations. I use scripture as a focus for things I do. If I start to worry I am immediately reminded God will deliver me as long as I am faithful to Him. I know all of you Christians are thinking to yourself, "This is what it should have been like all along...duh" but I have come to the conclusion that being a Christian is easier for me after I graduated college.
1. There were different times where I felt God moving into my heart asking for everything. I was reading this book called Time Bandits when I was consumed by my worries. A quote mentioning, "Concern yourself with what concerns Me, and I will take care of the things that worry you." I have been blessed by 2 out of the 3 worries have been taken care of. I know things will always not be this worry free but I am okay with believing God will take care of them when they arise.
2. I'm getting baptized. I believe this summer God has really weighed on my heart to start clean. To make a declaration of my surrender to Him. To make this even more meaningful, I am having not only my mentor but my friend baptize me. It will be a little different then the typical church ceremonies, I will be baptized at the Sletten's house by Summer.
3. I have found that I am completely in disgust by the life I used to live. The way people act as if their lives aren't important, and all they are out for is a good thrill made me feel sorry for them. I am so glad finally I have been delivered by what was a struggle of mine for years.
4. I laugh about it now, but I genuinely feel for people. A couple of weeks ago I saw someone weaping, and my heart ached for them. I cried at some stupid Mandy Moore movie because she was letting herself love another. I recieved a gift from someone and I cried like a baby. I have been praying for immense compassion and I have found it. I wasn't crying for any other reason then sympathy and celebration.
I recognize daily the gifts I have from God. I search biblical ways to handle situations. I use scripture as a focus for things I do. If I start to worry I am immediately reminded God will deliver me as long as I am faithful to Him. I know all of you Christians are thinking to yourself, "This is what it should have been like all along...duh" but I have come to the conclusion that being a Christian is easier for me after I graduated college.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Re-occuring theme..
The past few days I have had one reoccuring theme in my life. Storms. It's been beautiful weather, but I mean the life is out of control storm.
I'm sure that I've blogged about this particular verse before, but I can remember over a year ago listening to a pastor at New Community talk about Mark 4. In case you aren't familiar:
"That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, "Let us go over to the other side." Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?" He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"
They were terrified and asked each other, "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!"
I think it's so important that we use this story as a reminder that we as believers should know God will take care of us even when we think things are over our heads.
Casting Crowns says it perfectly, "I will praise you in this storm." Amen!
I'm sure that I've blogged about this particular verse before, but I can remember over a year ago listening to a pastor at New Community talk about Mark 4. In case you aren't familiar:
"That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, "Let us go over to the other side." Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?" He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"
They were terrified and asked each other, "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!"
I think it's so important that we use this story as a reminder that we as believers should know God will take care of us even when we think things are over our heads.
Casting Crowns says it perfectly, "I will praise you in this storm." Amen!
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