It's not easy

We are all faced with challenges in life and unfortunately no matter how much we'd want them to end, they aren't going to.

I've been thinking a lot about the idea of Story due to my recent obsession of Donald Miller and his new book "A Million Miles in a Million Years". It gives me hope to know that even if the challenges won't stop taking an outsiders view of what has happened helps get me out of the mud for awhile.

One of my many challenges lately has been causing my heart a lot of anguish. The hardest part about it is that I have brought this all on myself. Choosing to stand up for what I should know is in my best interest, yet at the same time doubting my every decision. It's not easy to stop something that made me laugh a lot, feel cared about and forget all the crap that has been going on all at the same time. But I know in the long run all of that would eventually stop and I'd be stuck alone at square one.

Life's not made to be easy...for anyone.

Traveling Showers

One of my favorite things is when I go out of town and I shower as a guest. I enjoy observing the shampoo/conditioner choices that one would make as well as the various body washes in the showers. I get in a routine when I'm at the grocery store buying the same facewash, soap, etc. I like the opportunity to try new things and I feel cleaner when I shower in someone else's shower.

As strange as this guilty pleasure is, I relate it to the fact that we go through life envious of what other people have. Showering in someone else's shower allows us to have a taste of what they have in life, even if it's just their fragrance of Dove :)

Alive

Where/When do you feel most alive?

I think we've all been stuck waking up, going to work, coming home, and the next day doing the same thing. Yet there are people who wake up and they never feel as though they've worked a day in their life. How are we supposed to switch gears to from the one to the latter?

I gave a presentation to local businesses on how to utilize social media in their own businesses to build awareness and connect to others. I walked away feeling alive. Like if I had to do that everyday I don't think I'd feel like I'd be 'working'. I love helping people. Showing and teaching them how to better their businesses. Feeling a sense of accomplishment.

Only if I could do that everyday. Hmmmm.

Plans

Whenever anyone asks how things are going the easiest replies are typically 'Good' and 'Busy'. I like to use the word busy because it gives me an excuse if I drop the ball on a phone call or event that I didn't go to. But I was thinking about my schedule and I honestly am "busy".

Every weekend from now until November, and I think that month I have two weekends open I have plans. But if I am honest with myself if something better came up I'd change those plans. So how busy is 'busy'. :)

Disclaimer: I like things in my schedule that I want to do, it helps the week go by fast. So I can imagine the month of October will FLY by!

The Boiling Point

There used to be a show on MTV called “The Boiling Point”. The purpose was to see how long an unsuspecting person could keep their cool while having one thing after another go wrong. Every minute they last under pressure is worth $1.00. I think we have these instances outside of television, but unfortunately neither we nor our unsuspecting victims get paid any money.

For me, last week was the culmination of mercury in my sanity thermometer. Every day brought on a new challenge and frustration and there wasn’t opportunity for resolution after every situation so it added up. Getting stopped at a ridiculous stoplight that has no rhyme or reason when you are running late to a meeting, you don’t feel relief what yelling at it to change. Approaching an awkward situation to resolve internal conflict, only to have it tabled and avoided, doesn’t give relief.

Unfortunately unless conflicts are handled correctly we get to a point where enough is enough. There’s going to be someone that gets the grunt of all of your anger because they are going to be the first person you can verbally tell how angry you are at whatever they have done to upset you. The disappointment can be just, but the person will be getting 100% of your emotions instead of the 10% they may deserve.

It’s a tough situation because you want to be able to be vulnerable with those in your life, but you also want to keep your dignity about you. Even though I feel like a huge weight has been lifting off of my shoulders by letting everything out, I still will feel bad for my Boiling Point victim.

It’s time to remind myself to take things one day at a time.

All in the same.

Unfortunately I have never been able to compartmentalize what's going on in my life. I deal with everything all at once. As humiliating as it is, I wear my heart on my sleeve and when life's good everyone knows it. The same thing happens when life is tough only I blog more to get the thoughts out of my head. My mom always told me that things usually happen in sets of three, especially death. I like the saying, "When it rains it pours". Here's my melting pot.

I am so angry that I never seem to be able to just 'be'. Why are things always such a battle? Give me contentment, give me peace, give me some sort of tangible happiness that covers all of my anger.

I hate how I push everyone away when life gets tough. It's my way of dealing with things because honestly if no one is around there is no chance that they will let you down. I'd rather deal with it alone. I hate how I've let myself get vulernable in a situation that's going no where. I am better than that. I deserve better than that.

I hate how I never feel appreciated in the workplace. I devote my heart into what I do, but when my talents are tested the value is not there anymore.

I am so angry that marriage doesn't hold the importance to people in my life that it should. Marriage is a choice to love someone when you don't feel like loving them sometimes. I worry I will be like them. Maybe I'll see marriage as a lifelong vow but my husband won't. Then there will be nothing I can do.

I am tired of fighting for everything. I look at people who seem to have all the blessings in the world. They aren't fighting financially. Give me security for once in my life.

Give me the desire to serve others when I really feel my world is a mess. That's the only way I can get through. You are the only way I can get through.

Psalm 13.

No Expectations = No Letdowns

I have this theory that if you don't expect anything to happen either good or bad you won't be dissapointed in the end result. I have tried to convince myself that this is the way to go in life because then you don't have to come to the awful realization that the people you think so highly of will let you down. If you don't expect them to do things then when they don't there is no conflict.

Unfortunately I have realized that even if I voice outloud that I don't expect anything from anyone, in my heart of hearts I really do. I have hidden agendas or secret expectations. I have hope that the people in my life want to follow through or do things without me expecting them to. But truth be told I get let down when I don't feel like a priority, when plans change, or when things like that don't happen.

I give people the benefit of the doubt. I put trust in them even when they have not shown me they have earned it. I see the person they are meant to be instead of the person they are now.

I just don't think its possible anymore to live life with no expectations or without any letdowns.

Character Development

Do you ever take a bird’s eye view on what is going on in your life? Until recently I’ve allowed myself to be buried in the crap that is my life. Worrying about the random junk in life that takes away from the enjoyment of living every day. I started reading this book that discusses character development in a story. I’m not finished with the book yet so I’m sure there will be more posts about it as I continue. I’ve already got the wheels starting and it has helped me step out of the crap and see the bigger picture.

The author, Donald Miller, starts out talking about the idea of “Story”. In my own words it’s explained as character development, dealing with adversity, and character change/end result. I get frustrated when I don’t understand why things happen in my life. Why am I the only one that seems to be dealing with this situation or another? Why do I feel discontent in life? Why are my bills so ridiculously high? Why do I get frustrated when other people let me down? When I’m stuck in the mess and crap of life this is what I see.

Just like any other American I have dealt with my share of crap. But taking an author’s perspective on the story that is my life, the crap that goes on is developing me into the person I am meant to be. Instead of just seeing every bad situation or tragedy as a bad situation or tragedy I’m being challenged to look at it as a learning experience. What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger, and in the end I will be one strong as hell woman. I see my character being developed every day. When you look at it from this view, it feels a lot better to go through the stuff then when you are stuck in the middle of it.

Once it hits your lips

Over the past few weeks I have been participating in Old Chicago's Oktoberfest Beer Tour, at Oktoberfest in Lincoln Park, and enjoying watching football for 3 weeks with an ice cold beer.

It's Wednesday, middle of the week, no reason to celebrate, and what's on my mind? Sam Adam's Oktoberfest. Why is it that fall and beer go so nicely together?

Living for Today

Lately I've had encounters with people who are living for today. Both individuals are in different life stages and so that choice leads down different paths. But as someone who can relate to each life stage I feel a bit torn as to what that means for me.

You have the single perspective of doing whatever you want. No kids, no family, nothing to 'hold you down'. This living for today looks more like flying by the seat of your pants and living somewhat of a carefree life. There are no worries about the future and in reality some of the situations of today don't hold much weight.

On the other hand theres the other side where there are many other aspects of life to consider. My friend in this boat has a life situation where his parents are affected and his mom may pass away any day. He's got a mortgage, wife, and holds a little more value to decisions today. When you are married or in a serious relationship that matters because you have kids or a spouse to think about.

I have to say that I'm in the middle. I don't have that weight of decisions but for some reason I can't let myself live 'carefree' like I did a majority of my life. Where's the line?

3 types of people

I went to a young 'church' type gathering the other week where 20-somethings from various churches came to worship and listen to a talk. There was no doubt that the speaker was very passionate about his views and his relationship with Christ. I think the difficulty in gathering people who are used to worshipping differently is that they may walk away with a completely different message then intended. This is what I walked away with regarding the 3 types of people in the world...

The first person is the weak person that can be prayed on by good or evil. Usually the worldly things snatch this person up. They aren't strong enough in anything to stand for themselves or what they know is true. I would categorize this person as someone who is unaware of how different life could really be.

The second person is someone who knows the Bible, knows passages, claims to know Jesus and falls into sin. Their church tells them it's okay to sin, if their heart is in the right place. In my opinion, I felt as if this was presented that night as the 'luke warm' Christian.

The third person was someone who knew the Bible in and out, who proclaimed the Truth to whomever was around and who was 100% sure they knew where they were going, how they need to live their life and how to get others to follow. This person knew the Bible was the only way to salvation and it was the roadmap for hte future. Nothing else mattered but studying the Bible finding out direction. (which I don't entirely disagree with) It was clearly presented that this was the 'correct' person of the three.

Maybe it's just my past experience in finding faith, but the Bible directly did not lead me to Christ. It was the people who loved me for who I was when I was a sinner, that told me it was okay to come to Christ without being perfect that helped lead me to salvation. I felt very attacked that night because if you were to ask me, I'd say I was the second person. The 'Luke Warm" Christian if you will. I don't know the Bible in and out, I make mistakes, I have fellow believers who support me through those mistakes, but I KNOW where my heart is. It's a journey we make in becoming like Jesus. I would rather be the person exploring my faith and changing every day because of the fact that Christ has my heart then the one who is so sure of everything that may tend to slip into the person that isn't very Christlike, the 'Know it All" type of Christian.

No matter what person you are, love God, love others, and you'll do just fine.

Sin Exposed

I had the opportunity to have coffee with a friend last week and it started getting my thought process going. We were discussing the difficulty of keeping in mind that all sins are viewed equally becuase it seems there are the those 'bad sins' that everyone thinks are worse.

Unfortunately there are times when are sins are exposed and we recieve judgement from those who witness them. For example, an out of marriage pregnancy. There's no hiding the fact that you struggle with sexual temptation. But what about the sins that aren't really noticeable by others? Pornography, selfishness, judging others, etc.

We all struggle with different things, so this week I would like to see those who are ready to pass judgement on others for their sin, to take a second to look in the mirror. Grant that grace that God gives us every day to those who may need it more then you understand.

Embrace the Silence

I will be the first to admit that I am not a fan of awkward silences. Almost every day I meet with new people to interview them, and they tell us to "let there be silence". But in all honesty to avoid these situations I am always prepared with another question to either probe deeper in their answer or to completely switch the topic. I've found that in life the times when we allow so much noise to fill our silence we don't really give ourselves a chance to hear God.

Encouraged by the series at church, I wanted to find where Imago Dei (the image of God) leaks out into our world. But to be honest I never allow myself a chance to hear it. Last Tuesday I needed to find a way to get near God again, I needed to feel the Imago Dei in SOMETHING.

I borrowed a friend's bike and decided to go on the Rock Island trail by my place. It was first awkward having the accurate strength to balance the handlebars. I mean I haven't been on a bike in like 10 years. As soon as I got on the trail and found the accurate speeds I just let loose. I had no one with me to talk to and the trail was pretty empty that day. I found God again. I know He was technically never lost but I just felt His presence as I was enjoying the scenery.

I had plenty of opportunity to go riding again a few days later but I felt it would be better for me to rest, if you catch my drift. I got to embrace the silence once again. I layed by the pool, started reading a book and just layed there. It wasn't until 6:45pm that I left my house for the first time that day. My roomate was gone, I read, I ate, I napped, I prayed, and it's been the closest I've felt to God in a long time.

Life happens. We let things slip in the way and cause even noise for us to miss the true importance of life. I encourage anyone to take time this week, even if it's just for 30 minutes to turn off your cell phones, leave the TV off, and embrace the silence. You'd be amazed the work God can do in those few moments.

Friendlationships

I bought a book a few years back with the ridiculous title of "Friendlationships". The sub title said "From like, to like like, to love in your twenties." What a stupid book. As if you need a book to understand what goes on in your heart and mind.

I picked it up a few months ago to leaf through and to be honest it intrigued me so I read it. One of the things that I can't seem to understand is how to have a boy girl FRIENDSHIP without feeling like it has to progress into a RELATIONSHIP.

Now I have admittedly been on both sides of this awful scenario. I have been the friend that wants more and gets rejected and I've been the one that wants nothing but friendship. So I understand the polar opposites of the spectrum. But what's hard to digest is the certainty that at one point or another one of the friends will start developing feelings.

God created man and woman to cohabitate so we would not be alone. God told us to love others unconditionally. But where do we as humans draw the line dividing friendship and emotions? How do we prevent romantic feelings from arising in a relationship where it's clearly not wanted?

I don't have the answers, becuase if I did I wouldn't continue to put myself in these situations. But one thing I know is you can prevent awkward conversations by always being up front and honest. I'd rather be told and tell someone a relationship is not going to progress then to live with the unknown possibility.

So...words of wisdom..if you're just not into someone and you know they are into you, tell them gently. Save them embarrassment.

We are officially our own biggest let down.

I don't think I'm alone in feeling like I've let God down. Months go by where my spiritual walk is progressing and I can recognize the work God has done in my heart. I feel confident that the things I've given to Him are gone and can focus on the person He wants me to be.

Then I get hit with a ton of bricks and it's like I have no idea where that person is anymore. I struggle to find that peace God had given me and I let myself slip. You know what I mean, do things you know aren't right, swear when you know the overflow of the heart is what comes off the lips, etc. Satan has a way of sneaking in and overtaking your world.

I think it's at this time when it's extremely important to remember that the fight we are fighting to be closer to God is not one of flesh and bone. Nothing we do can prevent us from the love of Christ. It's all a supernatural fight and Satan is very clever! The Evil one will take any foothold we give him.

When I fall now, I get back up, brush myself off and guard myself with the Word, understanding it is only God who can rightfully place judgement and Him who will heal our wounds.

What If..

I have been asked the same question over and over from my friends that I haven't seen in a while, "Where have you been?" I mean, how am I supposed to answer that question? "Well, the Lord has been doing a lot of work in my heart.." I don't think so.

I decided to spend some time with wonderful people that were a part of my life for a while before God got a hold of my heart. As I sit here after coming home and I am filled with the udder most joy. I am so grateful that God has saved my heart. The worries, the drama, the temporary fixes for all of the void we fill do not interest me anymore.

I found out some pretty tough news tonight. News that months before would have lead me into oblivion. It was like God was holding me the entire time tonight; not letting me slip into old habits to take care of the sting. It lead me to think..

Where would I be if I hadn't given my life to Christ? I had half-assed dabbled in the faith for years before. Meaning I'd go to church on Sunday and have great Christian friends. Not truly believing God was what I needed.

I know that I will always love these people for the comfort they gave me before, but I can not even imagine where my life would be if I did not make the tough decision to leave what I was comfortable with and follow the Lord.

Where does my help come from...

Have you ever had those weeks where it seems as though everything is falling apart? That no matter what area of your life you have felt the most stability an earthquake hits and you are utterly shaken? That all of the plates of life you've been spinning well for months have all fallen. That was my week.

I was frustrated with God that He could let everything happen. That I have been walking the line of faith for once in my life continuously and yet I was still in the middle of this mess of life. Why can I never get a break in life? Why do I always have to be fighting for one thing or another? I felt like my family life was a mess, that my job wasn't the place I needed to be, and that I wasn't a good enough person for guys to pursue, the list goes on and on. Being a 'faithful servant' I turned to God asking the one question that will leave me more frustrated then before, "Why?"

That's the problem. We want to know the answer to the infamous question and when we don't get the immediate satisfaction we start to get frustrated with God. Our pride and self righteousness grows each day that the answer never comes. Satan uses the unknown as a wedge between us and the only person who can guide us. I claim to be surrendering everything to God, yet my cries at night are empty frustrations that I don't have the answers to my questions. I have let myself slip into the way I live daily instead of living for Him.

If we live with God's work and kingdom in mind, the questions we have in life do not hold a candle to the real issues at hand. I need to work with a joyful heart, doing what's asked of me and God will lead me to the right people to recruit. I need to love others unconditionally and I will not have hate in my heart when people do not live up to the standards I hold them to. I need to be grateful and a good steward of all of the blessings I have in life and will not be yearning for the things of this world. I need to give my heart to God before he will lead the man He has for me into my life instead of holding my heart out to anyone that passes by. I need to die to myself and live for Him and the "Why" will be unveiled. My help needs to come from God and only God. Not myself.

Marriage: Obligation vs Choice

To date I have received 10 wedding related invitations for the year of 2009. It's a very beautiful life stage that I am excited to be a part of. The scary part for me is that every time I celebrate someones new life changes I feel a sense of added responsibility.

This past month I had the great opportunity to fly down to Dallas to witness my childhood best friend marry the man of her dreams. We had always talked about finding the man to marry and starting the families we've always wanted. Our life paths have taken us completely different ways, but when we reunite it's as if nothing has changed. As I was sitting in the airport on my way back I couldn't help but break down.

See, as I was standing as a bridesmaid to witness and vow to the Mann family that I would fight for their marriage, another marriage I vowed to fight for 10 years ago was falling apart back home. I will be the first to say that I do not know the stress that marriage could bring. But for the first time in my entire life I felt conviction and righteous anger.

Marriage is beautiful. As Charlie mentioned on Sunday it's a give and take dance between a husband and wife. A beautiful and humble submission that allows for personal growth each day. Marriage is a choice. When you stand up to make that decision, you make vows to be there forever; not forever until things get tough. Thats where the obligation comes in. The wedding day is when God reigns over the marriage, your friends and family believe you will do whatever it takes to perservere and it's a time to celebrate a new life together.

I can't seem to fathom how you can stand up and make those vows and then years later decide it's just not the life you want anymore.

My prayer over the past few years has been for God to deliver me a spouse. One who loves me unconditionally, challenges me spiritually, and forgives me repeatedly. Maybe it's the heartbreak I've seen that marriages can cause but I am now spending that precious prayer time for those who are hurting.

When I witness Godly marriages, or discuss what a marriage is supposed to be, it brings tears to my eyes. I just wish others could see and feel what I do. I think there would be fewer broken marriages across the world if that were the case.

I know I will continue to wrestle around with this issue but to those who have asked me to, I will continue to fight for your marriage, always know that.

Life is about me.

#2
Twenty-four years later and I've come to a tough conclusion, one that I'm sure many people along my path have tried to tell me, but my mind has been jaded with another lie. My life in fact is NOT about me.

When we do something right as a little kid everyone is so proud and even calls attention to your successes. It instills a sense of accomplishment as a kid and I think it's very important for a well balanced self esteem in the later years of life.

There was some switch in my mind to get me thinking that life owes me something. My situation wasn't like everyone elses and I worked really hard to get where I am. "So what?"

I'd like to think of myself as a compassionate person, but when I think about who I show my love and empathy for, they are all people just like me. Of course I'd chose to serve others if I was asked to join in the opportunity but as a believer and an advocate for Christ I can honestly say I'm not the person to seek out these opportunities.

I am so concerned with what's going to happen with my future, where I'm going to live, who I am going to marry, what could I do to grow with Christ. I am frustrated because for so long I thought as long as I was growing with God my walk was 'right'. What makes it so good if I'm not impacting people around me? Or making a genuine effort to make this world a better place?

I pray for God to show me as well as others how to love others, serve others and in turn make an impact on the people we see daily all for His sake. I need to be humbled to convince myself that the lie I've been telling myself is not true, my life does not revolve around me, I'm merely a pawn in His world.

Through the mind of a sinner..

The growth of my heart this past year has been too great to type in one blog post. Heck, I don't even know if people still check this so I'm writing for myself. I realized tonight that I love to write, for an audience or even just for myself.I started thinking about the different lies I've allowed my mind to believe over the years and I am ashamed. As I was running through the list of lies it dawned on me that this could easily turn in to a book. I'm not thinking I will be publishing anything any time soon, but I wanted to share my thoughts. I won't commit to blogging regularly, but I will admit I felt energized when I put my thoughts on paper tonight, so energized that I am up an hour past my bedtime just to type a blog.

We tell ourselve so many lies. There are even times we get so out of touch with reality that the truth seems like fantasy. The world constantly tells us that we need to live a certain way and if we concede then that is the best life can get. Freedom. No regret. Living for the moment. When the excitement of life slows down even for a brief moment the pit of emptiness starts to deepend. But don't worry because as human nature allows we will search for another opportunity for distraction. Reality can't sink in until we let it and sadly it took me 23 years to let it sink in. I feel that I can safely claim that I finally see life for what it is. Ups and downs, love and heartbreak, surprises and tragedy. Life is full of good and bad you just take it one step and one day at a time.

#1. I am not good enough.

Everyone has stories of when they have felt their God given talent has not made the cut. Sports teams, academics, relationships, heck I even know people who feel that they aren't good enough to go to church. I wish I knew what genetic wiring it was that could just turn on during childhood and block our thoughts from continuously stepping in to be our own worst enemies. Unfortunately it's not that easy. We are conditioned to think and feel certain ways. If we want change it takes hard work and a belief.

I bet my thought patters stemmed from a young age. Yes my parents divorced, and I know it's a cop-out excuse. Everyone blames a broken home for problematic children or long-term commitment issues. I do not want to be that person. I take full responsibility for the choices I've made and the thoughts I allow. I do however feel that I let myself get jaded when I started to feel as if I wasn't good enough because I was different. Society used to paint a picutre of what 'normal' families consisted of. A mom, a dad, happy siblings, a dog, a fenced in yard, and a neighborhood that had block parties. We weren't like that. I will say that the way society is pictured now isn't the same as it was 20 years ago. I always felt judged because I was different.

The easiest way for me to handle this awful feeling was to try as hard as I could to fit in. Whether this meant drinking, stealing, smoking, or whatever it was to make no one care that I was different. What I didn't realize at the time was that I had been sacrificing everything positive I had going for me. The hurt of me not being good enough never went away even though people seemed to like me. I can remember weekends in high school when I sat at home because my friends had forgotten to call. I was still alone and I still felt I wasn't good enough.

As I got older the situations were different but the feelings were still the same. I met a guy, a good Christian guy and I actually allowed myself to date him. I dropped the 'tough girl' act and let him see who I truly was. Three weeks later he broke up with me. I didn't see it at the time, but I totally see how we are better friends then boyfriend and girlfriend. I tell this story not for embarrassment but to bring in to light that the pain was still the same. I didn't feel as if I deserved to date a Christian guy. This just goes to show that Christian or non-Christian, we still tell ourselves the same lies.

To overcome those lies we must remind ourselves of the Truth, that each of us is fearfully and wonderfully made. We may not all be the schools' Homecoming queen, or voted "Most likely to succeed" or even have the best job in the world, but the most important thing to remember is that we are all still here. For some reason or another we have each been given the gift of breathing another day. Tomorrow brings too much uncertainty, I want to feel good enough today.

I started a new job a little under a year from when I made this mind blowing realization of what life really is. I know this career has been a gift from God becase of my growth as a human. I have never felt so personally, professionally, or spiritually motivated then when I started working for Northwestern Mutual. What has helped me make this revalation is the truth that I am tired of not feeling good enough and I'm the only one that can change it. If you don't like where you are in life, then make a decision to change. Seek God for His wisdom. Pray continually. Fast. Seek other believer's guidance. Do whatever it takes to find His light to what He has called you to do.

I have heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. If you are tired of not feeling good enough then try something different. God is way to creative to create a universe of people who are mediocre. Stop lying to yourself and make a change.