Lately I've had encounters with people who are living for today. Both individuals are in different life stages and so that choice leads down different paths. But as someone who can relate to each life stage I feel a bit torn as to what that means for me.
You have the single perspective of doing whatever you want. No kids, no family, nothing to 'hold you down'. This living for today looks more like flying by the seat of your pants and living somewhat of a carefree life. There are no worries about the future and in reality some of the situations of today don't hold much weight.
On the other hand theres the other side where there are many other aspects of life to consider. My friend in this boat has a life situation where his parents are affected and his mom may pass away any day. He's got a mortgage, wife, and holds a little more value to decisions today. When you are married or in a serious relationship that matters because you have kids or a spouse to think about.
I have to say that I'm in the middle. I don't have that weight of decisions but for some reason I can't let myself live 'carefree' like I did a majority of my life. Where's the line?
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
3 types of people
I went to a young 'church' type gathering the other week where 20-somethings from various churches came to worship and listen to a talk. There was no doubt that the speaker was very passionate about his views and his relationship with Christ. I think the difficulty in gathering people who are used to worshipping differently is that they may walk away with a completely different message then intended. This is what I walked away with regarding the 3 types of people in the world...
The first person is the weak person that can be prayed on by good or evil. Usually the worldly things snatch this person up. They aren't strong enough in anything to stand for themselves or what they know is true. I would categorize this person as someone who is unaware of how different life could really be.
The second person is someone who knows the Bible, knows passages, claims to know Jesus and falls into sin. Their church tells them it's okay to sin, if their heart is in the right place. In my opinion, I felt as if this was presented that night as the 'luke warm' Christian.
The third person was someone who knew the Bible in and out, who proclaimed the Truth to whomever was around and who was 100% sure they knew where they were going, how they need to live their life and how to get others to follow. This person knew the Bible was the only way to salvation and it was the roadmap for hte future. Nothing else mattered but studying the Bible finding out direction. (which I don't entirely disagree with) It was clearly presented that this was the 'correct' person of the three.
Maybe it's just my past experience in finding faith, but the Bible directly did not lead me to Christ. It was the people who loved me for who I was when I was a sinner, that told me it was okay to come to Christ without being perfect that helped lead me to salvation. I felt very attacked that night because if you were to ask me, I'd say I was the second person. The 'Luke Warm" Christian if you will. I don't know the Bible in and out, I make mistakes, I have fellow believers who support me through those mistakes, but I KNOW where my heart is. It's a journey we make in becoming like Jesus. I would rather be the person exploring my faith and changing every day because of the fact that Christ has my heart then the one who is so sure of everything that may tend to slip into the person that isn't very Christlike, the 'Know it All" type of Christian.
No matter what person you are, love God, love others, and you'll do just fine.
The first person is the weak person that can be prayed on by good or evil. Usually the worldly things snatch this person up. They aren't strong enough in anything to stand for themselves or what they know is true. I would categorize this person as someone who is unaware of how different life could really be.
The second person is someone who knows the Bible, knows passages, claims to know Jesus and falls into sin. Their church tells them it's okay to sin, if their heart is in the right place. In my opinion, I felt as if this was presented that night as the 'luke warm' Christian.
The third person was someone who knew the Bible in and out, who proclaimed the Truth to whomever was around and who was 100% sure they knew where they were going, how they need to live their life and how to get others to follow. This person knew the Bible was the only way to salvation and it was the roadmap for hte future. Nothing else mattered but studying the Bible finding out direction. (which I don't entirely disagree with) It was clearly presented that this was the 'correct' person of the three.
Maybe it's just my past experience in finding faith, but the Bible directly did not lead me to Christ. It was the people who loved me for who I was when I was a sinner, that told me it was okay to come to Christ without being perfect that helped lead me to salvation. I felt very attacked that night because if you were to ask me, I'd say I was the second person. The 'Luke Warm" Christian if you will. I don't know the Bible in and out, I make mistakes, I have fellow believers who support me through those mistakes, but I KNOW where my heart is. It's a journey we make in becoming like Jesus. I would rather be the person exploring my faith and changing every day because of the fact that Christ has my heart then the one who is so sure of everything that may tend to slip into the person that isn't very Christlike, the 'Know it All" type of Christian.
No matter what person you are, love God, love others, and you'll do just fine.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Sin Exposed
I had the opportunity to have coffee with a friend last week and it started getting my thought process going. We were discussing the difficulty of keeping in mind that all sins are viewed equally becuase it seems there are the those 'bad sins' that everyone thinks are worse.
Unfortunately there are times when are sins are exposed and we recieve judgement from those who witness them. For example, an out of marriage pregnancy. There's no hiding the fact that you struggle with sexual temptation. But what about the sins that aren't really noticeable by others? Pornography, selfishness, judging others, etc.
We all struggle with different things, so this week I would like to see those who are ready to pass judgement on others for their sin, to take a second to look in the mirror. Grant that grace that God gives us every day to those who may need it more then you understand.
Unfortunately there are times when are sins are exposed and we recieve judgement from those who witness them. For example, an out of marriage pregnancy. There's no hiding the fact that you struggle with sexual temptation. But what about the sins that aren't really noticeable by others? Pornography, selfishness, judging others, etc.
We all struggle with different things, so this week I would like to see those who are ready to pass judgement on others for their sin, to take a second to look in the mirror. Grant that grace that God gives us every day to those who may need it more then you understand.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Embrace the Silence
I will be the first to admit that I am not a fan of awkward silences. Almost every day I meet with new people to interview them, and they tell us to "let there be silence". But in all honesty to avoid these situations I am always prepared with another question to either probe deeper in their answer or to completely switch the topic. I've found that in life the times when we allow so much noise to fill our silence we don't really give ourselves a chance to hear God.
Encouraged by the series at church, I wanted to find where Imago Dei (the image of God) leaks out into our world. But to be honest I never allow myself a chance to hear it. Last Tuesday I needed to find a way to get near God again, I needed to feel the Imago Dei in SOMETHING.
I borrowed a friend's bike and decided to go on the Rock Island trail by my place. It was first awkward having the accurate strength to balance the handlebars. I mean I haven't been on a bike in like 10 years. As soon as I got on the trail and found the accurate speeds I just let loose. I had no one with me to talk to and the trail was pretty empty that day. I found God again. I know He was technically never lost but I just felt His presence as I was enjoying the scenery.
I had plenty of opportunity to go riding again a few days later but I felt it would be better for me to rest, if you catch my drift. I got to embrace the silence once again. I layed by the pool, started reading a book and just layed there. It wasn't until 6:45pm that I left my house for the first time that day. My roomate was gone, I read, I ate, I napped, I prayed, and it's been the closest I've felt to God in a long time.
Life happens. We let things slip in the way and cause even noise for us to miss the true importance of life. I encourage anyone to take time this week, even if it's just for 30 minutes to turn off your cell phones, leave the TV off, and embrace the silence. You'd be amazed the work God can do in those few moments.
Encouraged by the series at church, I wanted to find where Imago Dei (the image of God) leaks out into our world. But to be honest I never allow myself a chance to hear it. Last Tuesday I needed to find a way to get near God again, I needed to feel the Imago Dei in SOMETHING.
I borrowed a friend's bike and decided to go on the Rock Island trail by my place. It was first awkward having the accurate strength to balance the handlebars. I mean I haven't been on a bike in like 10 years. As soon as I got on the trail and found the accurate speeds I just let loose. I had no one with me to talk to and the trail was pretty empty that day. I found God again. I know He was technically never lost but I just felt His presence as I was enjoying the scenery.
I had plenty of opportunity to go riding again a few days later but I felt it would be better for me to rest, if you catch my drift. I got to embrace the silence once again. I layed by the pool, started reading a book and just layed there. It wasn't until 6:45pm that I left my house for the first time that day. My roomate was gone, I read, I ate, I napped, I prayed, and it's been the closest I've felt to God in a long time.
Life happens. We let things slip in the way and cause even noise for us to miss the true importance of life. I encourage anyone to take time this week, even if it's just for 30 minutes to turn off your cell phones, leave the TV off, and embrace the silence. You'd be amazed the work God can do in those few moments.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Friendlationships
I bought a book a few years back with the ridiculous title of "Friendlationships". The sub title said "From like, to like like, to love in your twenties." What a stupid book. As if you need a book to understand what goes on in your heart and mind.
I picked it up a few months ago to leaf through and to be honest it intrigued me so I read it. One of the things that I can't seem to understand is how to have a boy girl FRIENDSHIP without feeling like it has to progress into a RELATIONSHIP.
Now I have admittedly been on both sides of this awful scenario. I have been the friend that wants more and gets rejected and I've been the one that wants nothing but friendship. So I understand the polar opposites of the spectrum. But what's hard to digest is the certainty that at one point or another one of the friends will start developing feelings.
God created man and woman to cohabitate so we would not be alone. God told us to love others unconditionally. But where do we as humans draw the line dividing friendship and emotions? How do we prevent romantic feelings from arising in a relationship where it's clearly not wanted?
I don't have the answers, becuase if I did I wouldn't continue to put myself in these situations. But one thing I know is you can prevent awkward conversations by always being up front and honest. I'd rather be told and tell someone a relationship is not going to progress then to live with the unknown possibility.
So...words of wisdom..if you're just not into someone and you know they are into you, tell them gently. Save them embarrassment.
I picked it up a few months ago to leaf through and to be honest it intrigued me so I read it. One of the things that I can't seem to understand is how to have a boy girl FRIENDSHIP without feeling like it has to progress into a RELATIONSHIP.
Now I have admittedly been on both sides of this awful scenario. I have been the friend that wants more and gets rejected and I've been the one that wants nothing but friendship. So I understand the polar opposites of the spectrum. But what's hard to digest is the certainty that at one point or another one of the friends will start developing feelings.
God created man and woman to cohabitate so we would not be alone. God told us to love others unconditionally. But where do we as humans draw the line dividing friendship and emotions? How do we prevent romantic feelings from arising in a relationship where it's clearly not wanted?
I don't have the answers, becuase if I did I wouldn't continue to put myself in these situations. But one thing I know is you can prevent awkward conversations by always being up front and honest. I'd rather be told and tell someone a relationship is not going to progress then to live with the unknown possibility.
So...words of wisdom..if you're just not into someone and you know they are into you, tell them gently. Save them embarrassment.
Monday, July 27, 2009
We are officially our own biggest let down.
I don't think I'm alone in feeling like I've let God down. Months go by where my spiritual walk is progressing and I can recognize the work God has done in my heart. I feel confident that the things I've given to Him are gone and can focus on the person He wants me to be.
Then I get hit with a ton of bricks and it's like I have no idea where that person is anymore. I struggle to find that peace God had given me and I let myself slip. You know what I mean, do things you know aren't right, swear when you know the overflow of the heart is what comes off the lips, etc. Satan has a way of sneaking in and overtaking your world.
I think it's at this time when it's extremely important to remember that the fight we are fighting to be closer to God is not one of flesh and bone. Nothing we do can prevent us from the love of Christ. It's all a supernatural fight and Satan is very clever! The Evil one will take any foothold we give him.
When I fall now, I get back up, brush myself off and guard myself with the Word, understanding it is only God who can rightfully place judgement and Him who will heal our wounds.
Then I get hit with a ton of bricks and it's like I have no idea where that person is anymore. I struggle to find that peace God had given me and I let myself slip. You know what I mean, do things you know aren't right, swear when you know the overflow of the heart is what comes off the lips, etc. Satan has a way of sneaking in and overtaking your world.
I think it's at this time when it's extremely important to remember that the fight we are fighting to be closer to God is not one of flesh and bone. Nothing we do can prevent us from the love of Christ. It's all a supernatural fight and Satan is very clever! The Evil one will take any foothold we give him.
When I fall now, I get back up, brush myself off and guard myself with the Word, understanding it is only God who can rightfully place judgement and Him who will heal our wounds.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
What If..
I have been asked the same question over and over from my friends that I haven't seen in a while, "Where have you been?" I mean, how am I supposed to answer that question? "Well, the Lord has been doing a lot of work in my heart.." I don't think so.
I decided to spend some time with wonderful people that were a part of my life for a while before God got a hold of my heart. As I sit here after coming home and I am filled with the udder most joy. I am so grateful that God has saved my heart. The worries, the drama, the temporary fixes for all of the void we fill do not interest me anymore.
I found out some pretty tough news tonight. News that months before would have lead me into oblivion. It was like God was holding me the entire time tonight; not letting me slip into old habits to take care of the sting. It lead me to think..
Where would I be if I hadn't given my life to Christ? I had half-assed dabbled in the faith for years before. Meaning I'd go to church on Sunday and have great Christian friends. Not truly believing God was what I needed.
I know that I will always love these people for the comfort they gave me before, but I can not even imagine where my life would be if I did not make the tough decision to leave what I was comfortable with and follow the Lord.
I decided to spend some time with wonderful people that were a part of my life for a while before God got a hold of my heart. As I sit here after coming home and I am filled with the udder most joy. I am so grateful that God has saved my heart. The worries, the drama, the temporary fixes for all of the void we fill do not interest me anymore.
I found out some pretty tough news tonight. News that months before would have lead me into oblivion. It was like God was holding me the entire time tonight; not letting me slip into old habits to take care of the sting. It lead me to think..
Where would I be if I hadn't given my life to Christ? I had half-assed dabbled in the faith for years before. Meaning I'd go to church on Sunday and have great Christian friends. Not truly believing God was what I needed.
I know that I will always love these people for the comfort they gave me before, but I can not even imagine where my life would be if I did not make the tough decision to leave what I was comfortable with and follow the Lord.
Sunday, June 07, 2009
Where does my help come from...
Have you ever had those weeks where it seems as though everything is falling apart? That no matter what area of your life you have felt the most stability an earthquake hits and you are utterly shaken? That all of the plates of life you've been spinning well for months have all fallen. That was my week.
I was frustrated with God that He could let everything happen. That I have been walking the line of faith for once in my life continuously and yet I was still in the middle of this mess of life. Why can I never get a break in life? Why do I always have to be fighting for one thing or another? I felt like my family life was a mess, that my job wasn't the place I needed to be, and that I wasn't a good enough person for guys to pursue, the list goes on and on. Being a 'faithful servant' I turned to God asking the one question that will leave me more frustrated then before, "Why?"
That's the problem. We want to know the answer to the infamous question and when we don't get the immediate satisfaction we start to get frustrated with God. Our pride and self righteousness grows each day that the answer never comes. Satan uses the unknown as a wedge between us and the only person who can guide us. I claim to be surrendering everything to God, yet my cries at night are empty frustrations that I don't have the answers to my questions. I have let myself slip into the way I live daily instead of living for Him.
If we live with God's work and kingdom in mind, the questions we have in life do not hold a candle to the real issues at hand. I need to work with a joyful heart, doing what's asked of me and God will lead me to the right people to recruit. I need to love others unconditionally and I will not have hate in my heart when people do not live up to the standards I hold them to. I need to be grateful and a good steward of all of the blessings I have in life and will not be yearning for the things of this world. I need to give my heart to God before he will lead the man He has for me into my life instead of holding my heart out to anyone that passes by. I need to die to myself and live for Him and the "Why" will be unveiled. My help needs to come from God and only God. Not myself.
I was frustrated with God that He could let everything happen. That I have been walking the line of faith for once in my life continuously and yet I was still in the middle of this mess of life. Why can I never get a break in life? Why do I always have to be fighting for one thing or another? I felt like my family life was a mess, that my job wasn't the place I needed to be, and that I wasn't a good enough person for guys to pursue, the list goes on and on. Being a 'faithful servant' I turned to God asking the one question that will leave me more frustrated then before, "Why?"
That's the problem. We want to know the answer to the infamous question and when we don't get the immediate satisfaction we start to get frustrated with God. Our pride and self righteousness grows each day that the answer never comes. Satan uses the unknown as a wedge between us and the only person who can guide us. I claim to be surrendering everything to God, yet my cries at night are empty frustrations that I don't have the answers to my questions. I have let myself slip into the way I live daily instead of living for Him.
If we live with God's work and kingdom in mind, the questions we have in life do not hold a candle to the real issues at hand. I need to work with a joyful heart, doing what's asked of me and God will lead me to the right people to recruit. I need to love others unconditionally and I will not have hate in my heart when people do not live up to the standards I hold them to. I need to be grateful and a good steward of all of the blessings I have in life and will not be yearning for the things of this world. I need to give my heart to God before he will lead the man He has for me into my life instead of holding my heart out to anyone that passes by. I need to die to myself and live for Him and the "Why" will be unveiled. My help needs to come from God and only God. Not myself.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Marriage: Obligation vs Choice
To date I have received 10 wedding related invitations for the year of 2009. It's a very beautiful life stage that I am excited to be a part of. The scary part for me is that every time I celebrate someones new life changes I feel a sense of added responsibility.
This past month I had the great opportunity to fly down to Dallas to witness my childhood best friend marry the man of her dreams. We had always talked about finding the man to marry and starting the families we've always wanted. Our life paths have taken us completely different ways, but when we reunite it's as if nothing has changed. As I was sitting in the airport on my way back I couldn't help but break down.
See, as I was standing as a bridesmaid to witness and vow to the Mann family that I would fight for their marriage, another marriage I vowed to fight for 10 years ago was falling apart back home. I will be the first to say that I do not know the stress that marriage could bring. But for the first time in my entire life I felt conviction and righteous anger.
Marriage is beautiful. As Charlie mentioned on Sunday it's a give and take dance between a husband and wife. A beautiful and humble submission that allows for personal growth each day. Marriage is a choice. When you stand up to make that decision, you make vows to be there forever; not forever until things get tough. Thats where the obligation comes in. The wedding day is when God reigns over the marriage, your friends and family believe you will do whatever it takes to perservere and it's a time to celebrate a new life together.
I can't seem to fathom how you can stand up and make those vows and then years later decide it's just not the life you want anymore.
My prayer over the past few years has been for God to deliver me a spouse. One who loves me unconditionally, challenges me spiritually, and forgives me repeatedly. Maybe it's the heartbreak I've seen that marriages can cause but I am now spending that precious prayer time for those who are hurting.
When I witness Godly marriages, or discuss what a marriage is supposed to be, it brings tears to my eyes. I just wish others could see and feel what I do. I think there would be fewer broken marriages across the world if that were the case.
I know I will continue to wrestle around with this issue but to those who have asked me to, I will continue to fight for your marriage, always know that.
This past month I had the great opportunity to fly down to Dallas to witness my childhood best friend marry the man of her dreams. We had always talked about finding the man to marry and starting the families we've always wanted. Our life paths have taken us completely different ways, but when we reunite it's as if nothing has changed. As I was sitting in the airport on my way back I couldn't help but break down.
See, as I was standing as a bridesmaid to witness and vow to the Mann family that I would fight for their marriage, another marriage I vowed to fight for 10 years ago was falling apart back home. I will be the first to say that I do not know the stress that marriage could bring. But for the first time in my entire life I felt conviction and righteous anger.
Marriage is beautiful. As Charlie mentioned on Sunday it's a give and take dance between a husband and wife. A beautiful and humble submission that allows for personal growth each day. Marriage is a choice. When you stand up to make that decision, you make vows to be there forever; not forever until things get tough. Thats where the obligation comes in. The wedding day is when God reigns over the marriage, your friends and family believe you will do whatever it takes to perservere and it's a time to celebrate a new life together.
I can't seem to fathom how you can stand up and make those vows and then years later decide it's just not the life you want anymore.
My prayer over the past few years has been for God to deliver me a spouse. One who loves me unconditionally, challenges me spiritually, and forgives me repeatedly. Maybe it's the heartbreak I've seen that marriages can cause but I am now spending that precious prayer time for those who are hurting.
When I witness Godly marriages, or discuss what a marriage is supposed to be, it brings tears to my eyes. I just wish others could see and feel what I do. I think there would be fewer broken marriages across the world if that were the case.
I know I will continue to wrestle around with this issue but to those who have asked me to, I will continue to fight for your marriage, always know that.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Life is about me.
#2
Twenty-four years later and I've come to a tough conclusion, one that I'm sure many people along my path have tried to tell me, but my mind has been jaded with another lie. My life in fact is NOT about me.
When we do something right as a little kid everyone is so proud and even calls attention to your successes. It instills a sense of accomplishment as a kid and I think it's very important for a well balanced self esteem in the later years of life.
There was some switch in my mind to get me thinking that life owes me something. My situation wasn't like everyone elses and I worked really hard to get where I am. "So what?"
I'd like to think of myself as a compassionate person, but when I think about who I show my love and empathy for, they are all people just like me. Of course I'd chose to serve others if I was asked to join in the opportunity but as a believer and an advocate for Christ I can honestly say I'm not the person to seek out these opportunities.
I am so concerned with what's going to happen with my future, where I'm going to live, who I am going to marry, what could I do to grow with Christ. I am frustrated because for so long I thought as long as I was growing with God my walk was 'right'. What makes it so good if I'm not impacting people around me? Or making a genuine effort to make this world a better place?
I pray for God to show me as well as others how to love others, serve others and in turn make an impact on the people we see daily all for His sake. I need to be humbled to convince myself that the lie I've been telling myself is not true, my life does not revolve around me, I'm merely a pawn in His world.
Twenty-four years later and I've come to a tough conclusion, one that I'm sure many people along my path have tried to tell me, but my mind has been jaded with another lie. My life in fact is NOT about me.
When we do something right as a little kid everyone is so proud and even calls attention to your successes. It instills a sense of accomplishment as a kid and I think it's very important for a well balanced self esteem in the later years of life.
There was some switch in my mind to get me thinking that life owes me something. My situation wasn't like everyone elses and I worked really hard to get where I am. "So what?"
I'd like to think of myself as a compassionate person, but when I think about who I show my love and empathy for, they are all people just like me. Of course I'd chose to serve others if I was asked to join in the opportunity but as a believer and an advocate for Christ I can honestly say I'm not the person to seek out these opportunities.
I am so concerned with what's going to happen with my future, where I'm going to live, who I am going to marry, what could I do to grow with Christ. I am frustrated because for so long I thought as long as I was growing with God my walk was 'right'. What makes it so good if I'm not impacting people around me? Or making a genuine effort to make this world a better place?
I pray for God to show me as well as others how to love others, serve others and in turn make an impact on the people we see daily all for His sake. I need to be humbled to convince myself that the lie I've been telling myself is not true, my life does not revolve around me, I'm merely a pawn in His world.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Through the mind of a sinner..
The growth of my heart this past year has been too great to type in one blog post. Heck, I don't even know if people still check this so I'm writing for myself. I realized tonight that I love to write, for an audience or even just for myself.I started thinking about the different lies I've allowed my mind to believe over the years and I am ashamed. As I was running through the list of lies it dawned on me that this could easily turn in to a book. I'm not thinking I will be publishing anything any time soon, but I wanted to share my thoughts. I won't commit to blogging regularly, but I will admit I felt energized when I put my thoughts on paper tonight, so energized that I am up an hour past my bedtime just to type a blog.
We tell ourselve so many lies. There are even times we get so out of touch with reality that the truth seems like fantasy. The world constantly tells us that we need to live a certain way and if we concede then that is the best life can get. Freedom. No regret. Living for the moment. When the excitement of life slows down even for a brief moment the pit of emptiness starts to deepend. But don't worry because as human nature allows we will search for another opportunity for distraction. Reality can't sink in until we let it and sadly it took me 23 years to let it sink in. I feel that I can safely claim that I finally see life for what it is. Ups and downs, love and heartbreak, surprises and tragedy. Life is full of good and bad you just take it one step and one day at a time.
#1. I am not good enough.
Everyone has stories of when they have felt their God given talent has not made the cut. Sports teams, academics, relationships, heck I even know people who feel that they aren't good enough to go to church. I wish I knew what genetic wiring it was that could just turn on during childhood and block our thoughts from continuously stepping in to be our own worst enemies. Unfortunately it's not that easy. We are conditioned to think and feel certain ways. If we want change it takes hard work and a belief.
I bet my thought patters stemmed from a young age. Yes my parents divorced, and I know it's a cop-out excuse. Everyone blames a broken home for problematic children or long-term commitment issues. I do not want to be that person. I take full responsibility for the choices I've made and the thoughts I allow. I do however feel that I let myself get jaded when I started to feel as if I wasn't good enough because I was different. Society used to paint a picutre of what 'normal' families consisted of. A mom, a dad, happy siblings, a dog, a fenced in yard, and a neighborhood that had block parties. We weren't like that. I will say that the way society is pictured now isn't the same as it was 20 years ago. I always felt judged because I was different.
The easiest way for me to handle this awful feeling was to try as hard as I could to fit in. Whether this meant drinking, stealing, smoking, or whatever it was to make no one care that I was different. What I didn't realize at the time was that I had been sacrificing everything positive I had going for me. The hurt of me not being good enough never went away even though people seemed to like me. I can remember weekends in high school when I sat at home because my friends had forgotten to call. I was still alone and I still felt I wasn't good enough.
As I got older the situations were different but the feelings were still the same. I met a guy, a good Christian guy and I actually allowed myself to date him. I dropped the 'tough girl' act and let him see who I truly was. Three weeks later he broke up with me. I didn't see it at the time, but I totally see how we are better friends then boyfriend and girlfriend. I tell this story not for embarrassment but to bring in to light that the pain was still the same. I didn't feel as if I deserved to date a Christian guy. This just goes to show that Christian or non-Christian, we still tell ourselves the same lies.
To overcome those lies we must remind ourselves of the Truth, that each of us is fearfully and wonderfully made. We may not all be the schools' Homecoming queen, or voted "Most likely to succeed" or even have the best job in the world, but the most important thing to remember is that we are all still here. For some reason or another we have each been given the gift of breathing another day. Tomorrow brings too much uncertainty, I want to feel good enough today.
I started a new job a little under a year from when I made this mind blowing realization of what life really is. I know this career has been a gift from God becase of my growth as a human. I have never felt so personally, professionally, or spiritually motivated then when I started working for Northwestern Mutual. What has helped me make this revalation is the truth that I am tired of not feeling good enough and I'm the only one that can change it. If you don't like where you are in life, then make a decision to change. Seek God for His wisdom. Pray continually. Fast. Seek other believer's guidance. Do whatever it takes to find His light to what He has called you to do.
I have heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. If you are tired of not feeling good enough then try something different. God is way to creative to create a universe of people who are mediocre. Stop lying to yourself and make a change.
We tell ourselve so many lies. There are even times we get so out of touch with reality that the truth seems like fantasy. The world constantly tells us that we need to live a certain way and if we concede then that is the best life can get. Freedom. No regret. Living for the moment. When the excitement of life slows down even for a brief moment the pit of emptiness starts to deepend. But don't worry because as human nature allows we will search for another opportunity for distraction. Reality can't sink in until we let it and sadly it took me 23 years to let it sink in. I feel that I can safely claim that I finally see life for what it is. Ups and downs, love and heartbreak, surprises and tragedy. Life is full of good and bad you just take it one step and one day at a time.
#1. I am not good enough.
Everyone has stories of when they have felt their God given talent has not made the cut. Sports teams, academics, relationships, heck I even know people who feel that they aren't good enough to go to church. I wish I knew what genetic wiring it was that could just turn on during childhood and block our thoughts from continuously stepping in to be our own worst enemies. Unfortunately it's not that easy. We are conditioned to think and feel certain ways. If we want change it takes hard work and a belief.
I bet my thought patters stemmed from a young age. Yes my parents divorced, and I know it's a cop-out excuse. Everyone blames a broken home for problematic children or long-term commitment issues. I do not want to be that person. I take full responsibility for the choices I've made and the thoughts I allow. I do however feel that I let myself get jaded when I started to feel as if I wasn't good enough because I was different. Society used to paint a picutre of what 'normal' families consisted of. A mom, a dad, happy siblings, a dog, a fenced in yard, and a neighborhood that had block parties. We weren't like that. I will say that the way society is pictured now isn't the same as it was 20 years ago. I always felt judged because I was different.
The easiest way for me to handle this awful feeling was to try as hard as I could to fit in. Whether this meant drinking, stealing, smoking, or whatever it was to make no one care that I was different. What I didn't realize at the time was that I had been sacrificing everything positive I had going for me. The hurt of me not being good enough never went away even though people seemed to like me. I can remember weekends in high school when I sat at home because my friends had forgotten to call. I was still alone and I still felt I wasn't good enough.
As I got older the situations were different but the feelings were still the same. I met a guy, a good Christian guy and I actually allowed myself to date him. I dropped the 'tough girl' act and let him see who I truly was. Three weeks later he broke up with me. I didn't see it at the time, but I totally see how we are better friends then boyfriend and girlfriend. I tell this story not for embarrassment but to bring in to light that the pain was still the same. I didn't feel as if I deserved to date a Christian guy. This just goes to show that Christian or non-Christian, we still tell ourselves the same lies.
To overcome those lies we must remind ourselves of the Truth, that each of us is fearfully and wonderfully made. We may not all be the schools' Homecoming queen, or voted "Most likely to succeed" or even have the best job in the world, but the most important thing to remember is that we are all still here. For some reason or another we have each been given the gift of breathing another day. Tomorrow brings too much uncertainty, I want to feel good enough today.
I started a new job a little under a year from when I made this mind blowing realization of what life really is. I know this career has been a gift from God becase of my growth as a human. I have never felt so personally, professionally, or spiritually motivated then when I started working for Northwestern Mutual. What has helped me make this revalation is the truth that I am tired of not feeling good enough and I'm the only one that can change it. If you don't like where you are in life, then make a decision to change. Seek God for His wisdom. Pray continually. Fast. Seek other believer's guidance. Do whatever it takes to find His light to what He has called you to do.
I have heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. If you are tired of not feeling good enough then try something different. God is way to creative to create a universe of people who are mediocre. Stop lying to yourself and make a change.
Monday, July 07, 2008
Debt to God.
I laid in bed early this morning clutching to my pillow as the thunder cracked and shook my apartment complex. I have never felt so fearful in my life and after praying for it, I never receieved peace. I know that fear does not come from the Lord but even after I prayed the fear never left. Yes, it did stop cracking and booming long enough for me to fall back asleep but even when I woke again to head to the gym anxiety filled my heart.
I've been thinking a lot about my walk with Christ. There have been some things that I have always struggled with that I know in my heart are on the way out the door. I am human and tend to find myself slipping, but I always pull back in-line with how I am supposed to live. After multiple conversations with Christian friends and even a few sermons at church I know that if you do something wrong or that isn't lined up with God's will then we need to make it right. But what if I don't know what will make it right? I can apoligize to those involved, ask for forgiveness but I don't seem to forgive myself.
That's where I am. Humbled.
I've been thinking a lot about my walk with Christ. There have been some things that I have always struggled with that I know in my heart are on the way out the door. I am human and tend to find myself slipping, but I always pull back in-line with how I am supposed to live. After multiple conversations with Christian friends and even a few sermons at church I know that if you do something wrong or that isn't lined up with God's will then we need to make it right. But what if I don't know what will make it right? I can apoligize to those involved, ask for forgiveness but I don't seem to forgive myself.
That's where I am. Humbled.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Called out.
The past month I've been called out by at least two people regarding my blogging activity. To answer any questions, no I didn't quit blogging. Someone once brought it to my attention that I only blog when things are bothering me. If thats true, maybe my lack of blog posts is a good sign. So I'll update you.
I love my job. I love the people, schedule, hours, company. Everything is wonderful. It keeps me busy and interactive.
I'm moving out May 31st. Tara and I are parting ways- on good terms of course, but it's been a good two years having her as a roomate. I'm going to be living alone for the first time. There are personal concerns, but I think this will be the best for me.
My dating world is null and void. I meet great people but there are always 'hangups'. I wonder why I meet this people if they are just going to be my friend. I'm 23 years old, have a lot of friends, and to be completely honest feel like a girl on a diet at a buffett being told not to eat anything. :) Oh well, one day.
I think thats the update, I'll try to remember to do this more often.
I love my job. I love the people, schedule, hours, company. Everything is wonderful. It keeps me busy and interactive.
I'm moving out May 31st. Tara and I are parting ways- on good terms of course, but it's been a good two years having her as a roomate. I'm going to be living alone for the first time. There are personal concerns, but I think this will be the best for me.
My dating world is null and void. I meet great people but there are always 'hangups'. I wonder why I meet this people if they are just going to be my friend. I'm 23 years old, have a lot of friends, and to be completely honest feel like a girl on a diet at a buffett being told not to eat anything. :) Oh well, one day.
I think thats the update, I'll try to remember to do this more often.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Free as a bird in a cage.
Psalm 11:1-3
"In the Lord I put my trust; How can you say to my soul, Flee as a bird to your mountain? For Look! The wicked bend their bow, they make ready their arror on the wrong, that they may shoot secretly at the upright in heart. If the foundations are destroyed what can the righteous do?"
The challenges of a spiritual plateau seem inevitable. This passage has resignated in my heart the past few weeks because it gives me a vision of reason, an explanation of some sort.
I feel as though the closer I get with God and the more I 'spread my spiritual wings' the more my heart hurts with frustration. None of us can ever be whole hearted like Jesus, we always fall short. It's like a tease. Sure we all want to be great disciples and live like God intended, it's like a race where the finish line keeps moving farther and farther.
"In the Lord I put my trust; How can you say to my soul, Flee as a bird to your mountain? For Look! The wicked bend their bow, they make ready their arror on the wrong, that they may shoot secretly at the upright in heart. If the foundations are destroyed what can the righteous do?"
The challenges of a spiritual plateau seem inevitable. This passage has resignated in my heart the past few weeks because it gives me a vision of reason, an explanation of some sort.
I feel as though the closer I get with God and the more I 'spread my spiritual wings' the more my heart hurts with frustration. None of us can ever be whole hearted like Jesus, we always fall short. It's like a tease. Sure we all want to be great disciples and live like God intended, it's like a race where the finish line keeps moving farther and farther.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Jesus on TV
I've been a fan of American Idol this season, simply because I enjoy the acoustic sounds that most of the contestants are prone to this year. I'm sitting here both amazed and impressed with what I just saw on tonight's episode.
Dolly Parton's songs were covered and she was the 'vocal coach' for this week. She just preformed a song called "Jesus and Gravity". The song talked about the only thing she will ever need is Jesus to pick her up when she falls. She preceded to tell Ryan Seacrest that "She has Jesus, he (Ryan) can keep Simon." This 5 minute presentation continued on national TV.
I'm surprised that national television let this happen, and I wonder just how much flack she'll get for speaking the Truth and her beliefs. Way to go Dolly.
Dolly Parton's songs were covered and she was the 'vocal coach' for this week. She just preformed a song called "Jesus and Gravity". The song talked about the only thing she will ever need is Jesus to pick her up when she falls. She preceded to tell Ryan Seacrest that "She has Jesus, he (Ryan) can keep Simon." This 5 minute presentation continued on national TV.
I'm surprised that national television let this happen, and I wonder just how much flack she'll get for speaking the Truth and her beliefs. Way to go Dolly.
A "Mutual" Fit
I've been at my job as the Director of Recruiting at Northwestern Mutual for about a month now. I can't being to explain how I feel.
For starters, my boss is a very Godly man. He has challenged me personally, spiritually and professionally. Because of him I now have written goals and feel completely supported in whatever decisions I make for the company. That same feeling carries over to the other men (and staff women) in my network office. They are awesome people who genuinely love and care about helping others.
I find myself looking at the clock after 5, not realizing how fast the day goes by. I enjoy waking up in the morning to come to work. I have a lot to do, but it's an exciting overwhelming, not stressful. I meet a lot of new people daily!
Yesterday I was in Champaign for the day to meet and train with some of our network employees. I'm in charge of Contract & Licensing employees so I've been in touch with them a lot, it was great to finally put the faces to the names & voices. Four of us who work directly together had a nice lunch at Biaggi's. We talked about personal matters and then I decided to ask them about their history with the company. Every one of them had a great story of how they got involved and one in particular brought me to tears. Her name was Cheryl and as she told her story she was speaking what I was feeling about life. She told me, "Leslie, God's timing is always perfect." I was sitting with my new co-workers feeling the presence of God, and feeling re-assured that this feeling I had about my new job wasn't just 'too good to be true'. Everyone I've met at Northwestern Mutual truly loves what they do, and it really is like a family here.
For starters, my boss is a very Godly man. He has challenged me personally, spiritually and professionally. Because of him I now have written goals and feel completely supported in whatever decisions I make for the company. That same feeling carries over to the other men (and staff women) in my network office. They are awesome people who genuinely love and care about helping others.
I find myself looking at the clock after 5, not realizing how fast the day goes by. I enjoy waking up in the morning to come to work. I have a lot to do, but it's an exciting overwhelming, not stressful. I meet a lot of new people daily!
Yesterday I was in Champaign for the day to meet and train with some of our network employees. I'm in charge of Contract & Licensing employees so I've been in touch with them a lot, it was great to finally put the faces to the names & voices. Four of us who work directly together had a nice lunch at Biaggi's. We talked about personal matters and then I decided to ask them about their history with the company. Every one of them had a great story of how they got involved and one in particular brought me to tears. Her name was Cheryl and as she told her story she was speaking what I was feeling about life. She told me, "Leslie, God's timing is always perfect." I was sitting with my new co-workers feeling the presence of God, and feeling re-assured that this feeling I had about my new job wasn't just 'too good to be true'. Everyone I've met at Northwestern Mutual truly loves what they do, and it really is like a family here.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Unexpected..
Over the past few months I've been babysitting for this couple that has two extremely intelligent boys. One of them just turned 4 in November and can translate between Swedish and English (I'll tell him something in English to say and he says it in Swedish.) They are so much fun and I'm constantly blown away by their intelligence. The little one is two and can read. The parents are so nice and have been supportive of my 'changes' the past few months.
The other night I caught view of a book that completely surprised me. It was "The Atheist Guidebook." It was a compilation of various pieces regarding atheism. The minutes went by so slowly until the kids went to bed because my curiosity was killing me. I wanted to open and see what outlandish ideas these folks had.
I read that...
Jesus was a magician and that's how he preformed miracles.
Jesus was real, but he was not the son of God.
Christianity is selfish because "We Christians" are the only ones that can be saved.
I can't tell you how unsafe I felt while reading that. I didn't believe a single word, and when I came across things that irked me I wanted to shout my beliefs outloud. It's scary to know that nice people like these aren't saved.
The other night I caught view of a book that completely surprised me. It was "The Atheist Guidebook." It was a compilation of various pieces regarding atheism. The minutes went by so slowly until the kids went to bed because my curiosity was killing me. I wanted to open and see what outlandish ideas these folks had.
I read that...
Jesus was a magician and that's how he preformed miracles.
Jesus was real, but he was not the son of God.
Christianity is selfish because "We Christians" are the only ones that can be saved.
I can't tell you how unsafe I felt while reading that. I didn't believe a single word, and when I came across things that irked me I wanted to shout my beliefs outloud. It's scary to know that nice people like these aren't saved.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Lent
My heart hasn't been right with the whole "Lent" idea. Maybe it's because it wasn't a part of my culture growing up, but this year I decided to jump on the Lent bandwagon without much knowledge.
I know you give up something for 40 days (I saw the movie 40days/40nights) and you get one day a week to 'cheat'. I've done pretty well if I do say so myself and until last night stuck to that rule. I was sitting there with friends at PoBoys (which is actually a cool place if you haven't been there!! Hidden entertainment in Peoria.) A friend bought me a drink and I drank it. Not 10, but one. I didn't feel conviction.
To me, there are so many loopholes when it comes to Lent. If it's supposed to be a symbolism of sacrifice, why do you get the cheat day? You are supposed to use the temptation time to pray, but how many people remember to do that? Maybe it's just because I'm green behind the ears on this subject, but I didn't. Let's say you give up swearing for lent, that takes training of the tongue to stop, and you accidentally slip. You ask for forgiveness and 'try' not to do it again? It just seems too easy.
Daily I try to step outside of the box to focus on what I need to change/sacrifice for my relationship with God to grow. I've heard others this sacrificial time is supposed to help with struggles in the future. (Not swearing like a sailor for 40 days should help in that arena, etc) I don't think I've grown as a person by giving up alcohol. Maybe I am looking at this whole experience in the wrong light, and in that case I'd be up to listening to support. I just don't think "Lent" is something I'll participate in again.
I know you give up something for 40 days (I saw the movie 40days/40nights) and you get one day a week to 'cheat'. I've done pretty well if I do say so myself and until last night stuck to that rule. I was sitting there with friends at PoBoys (which is actually a cool place if you haven't been there!! Hidden entertainment in Peoria.) A friend bought me a drink and I drank it. Not 10, but one. I didn't feel conviction.
To me, there are so many loopholes when it comes to Lent. If it's supposed to be a symbolism of sacrifice, why do you get the cheat day? You are supposed to use the temptation time to pray, but how many people remember to do that? Maybe it's just because I'm green behind the ears on this subject, but I didn't. Let's say you give up swearing for lent, that takes training of the tongue to stop, and you accidentally slip. You ask for forgiveness and 'try' not to do it again? It just seems too easy.
Daily I try to step outside of the box to focus on what I need to change/sacrifice for my relationship with God to grow. I've heard others this sacrificial time is supposed to help with struggles in the future. (Not swearing like a sailor for 40 days should help in that arena, etc) I don't think I've grown as a person by giving up alcohol. Maybe I am looking at this whole experience in the wrong light, and in that case I'd be up to listening to support. I just don't think "Lent" is something I'll participate in again.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
My life
I started my new job as the Director for Recruiting at Northwestern Mutual Financial Network on Monday. I think I'm going to enjoy it! I have some great people and I can't wait to take over the reigns and organize everything. Lots of new information to learn, I've already had 6 interviews to sit in on, 3 meetings so far, needless to say I'm exhausted.
With stress comes health problems. I'm STILL sick (I've been sinus-sick since December) but other issues are arrising again after two years. I know as a women my punishment since the 'fall' has been pain in childbirth....I haven't had any kids but if it's anything like what I feel now, I'll be fine.
My biggest struggle right now is balancing living in fear and joy of the Lord. I don't know why I don't feel the joy, but with everything I am in constant fear. God has blessed me so much lately and has definately helped me stand after being humbled just a few months ago. I assume I constantly fear because it wasn't that long ago I felt joy and had everything taken away. I don't know the real reason, after all, I'm not God.
Thats my lunch-hour blog. :)
With stress comes health problems. I'm STILL sick (I've been sinus-sick since December) but other issues are arrising again after two years. I know as a women my punishment since the 'fall' has been pain in childbirth....I haven't had any kids but if it's anything like what I feel now, I'll be fine.
My biggest struggle right now is balancing living in fear and joy of the Lord. I don't know why I don't feel the joy, but with everything I am in constant fear. God has blessed me so much lately and has definately helped me stand after being humbled just a few months ago. I assume I constantly fear because it wasn't that long ago I felt joy and had everything taken away. I don't know the real reason, after all, I'm not God.
Thats my lunch-hour blog. :)
Monday, March 03, 2008
New New New
So much has been going on lately, and I don't really have the desire to separate the blog posts. Here's a summary...
1. I bought a new car on Friday. It's a 2006 Honda Civic LX. I really felt that the Mazda would not be the best economically for me. I enjoy it, it gets me from A to B. with better gas mileage and without the fear of flying off the road.
2. I'm becoming more aware of how my 'brothers in Christ' treat me. Comparing my relationships to how I think I should be treated as a woman and to actually see how I'm treated is a harsh reality. This is vague, but I'm sure I'll post this more in depth later.
3. The past few weeks my life has been lived with fear of the Lord. Which I understand is good and it's how things should be, but let me give an example. I'm not excited about the car. I've told myself that God blessed me with it, He can surely take it away at the drop of a hat. Thats how I'm living my life with everything. Weird. As if God will be punishing me for everything I do wrong.
SO much is going on. I pray that God will give me strength to handle things the way I'm supposed to.
1. I bought a new car on Friday. It's a 2006 Honda Civic LX. I really felt that the Mazda would not be the best economically for me. I enjoy it, it gets me from A to B. with better gas mileage and without the fear of flying off the road.
2. I'm becoming more aware of how my 'brothers in Christ' treat me. Comparing my relationships to how I think I should be treated as a woman and to actually see how I'm treated is a harsh reality. This is vague, but I'm sure I'll post this more in depth later.
3. The past few weeks my life has been lived with fear of the Lord. Which I understand is good and it's how things should be, but let me give an example. I'm not excited about the car. I've told myself that God blessed me with it, He can surely take it away at the drop of a hat. Thats how I'm living my life with everything. Weird. As if God will be punishing me for everything I do wrong.
SO much is going on. I pray that God will give me strength to handle things the way I'm supposed to.
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