In My Mind

The beginning

2011-02-21T19:51:00.001-08:00

“The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want, He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters, He restores my soul. He leads me down paths of righteousness for His names sake. Even though I walk through the valley of darkness, I fear no evil. For you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me, all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

It was just like any normal day. I woke up, went to church and decided to go for a motorcycle ride with my boyfriend to enjoy the summer, something we’d do almost every Sunday since we had started dating a short two months prior. Except this day, we never got to explore, we only got about two blocks away before time stopped.

The sounds of metal crushing and glass shattering and the gravity of my body flipping twice before landing didn’t even register at that point what had happened. I landed on the side of the road feeling the heat and bass of the car that was within arms distance and it was difficult to catch my breath. I see Jason a few feet away from me try to jump up to come over to me, but he falls immediately. Blood is covering his face as he tries to make his way over to me. The heat burning in the open wounds caused my body to uncontrollably shake, shock was setting in. The kid frantically jumps out and seems to be fine.

I laid staring at the blades of grass and repeating Psalm 23 and The Lords Prayer for what seems like hours. The random neighbors voice apologizing that this happened and coaching me to stay alert started to fade into background noise. Even before the paramedics showed to the scene I felt peace. If God was going to take me at that moment, I would be fine. My heart hurt for Jason, as he had crawled his way to shade, I could see nothing on his face but blood. We’d take turns calling out to each other, but as the paramedics came there was no more chance to communicate. I had no clue what was to happen to myself or the guy that I had just started dating.

No one would tell me his status, just that he would be okay. As I was tormented in the trauma room, all I could think of was Jason and what was going to happen to us. I hadn’t cried until the moment my best friend came in to the room. It was then my fear of life or death and the culmination of what just happened just exploded from my face. My concept of time was a blur, but there are specific instances I remember. Hearing Jason screaming in the trauma room next to mine, the moment I saw those closest to me, and the first time I saw Jason as he was rolled into the pre-op room. I remember the words, “Babe, they think I might lose my eye” and before I could say a word the look and head nod that I got from his nurse led me to realize that his eye was gone. The nurse came over to me and whispered, “You have to be strong for him right now.” I knew he needed comfort and it was than I knew we’d fight together no matter what would happen, and thats exactly what I said to him.

I can honestly say that I had no reassurance of my life until I woke up from surgery. As they wheeled me to my room where my family was waiting, I was taken past Jason in his post-op. I told him I loved him, and at that moment I felt as if I actually knew what love meant. Throughout the hustle of getting transferred I remember seeing my parents hug, a sight I had never seen in 25 years. I knew life would be different.

My stay in the hospital was a blur. Various doctors and trauma teams, drug after drug, visitors and family all kept my schedules pretty busy. All I knew was that everyone seemed to know who Jason and I were. Nurses would go above and beyond in trying to allow us to see each other. Getting wheel chairs to transport from one floor and room to another, and even coming to the room in which they’d know we were in if our own room was vacant. It was the first time in my life I heard the term boyfriend and/or girlfriend almost everyday and it seemed natural.

Days went by and I was fit to leave the hospital and finish healing at home. Jason however still needed time until his lung was fully recovered and the 8 bones he broke started to heal on their own. It felt weird, being at home while he was still at the hospital. I got rides down to see him, to hold his hand, to kiss his lips. I didn’t feel right being home not being able to just wheel down to his room whenever I wanted. Little did I know that this would only be the first part of a long journey to come.

My Own Self

2010-09-27T09:47:00.000-07:00

Over the past few months everything in my life has changed. Stability is now uncertainty, dead relationships are now bursting with life, dating has become 'serious relationship', independence is now a goal and comfort has only been around with drug induced assistance.

I pray to a God that I know in my heart is there, yet most of the time I feel numb to where He is. I act like everything my boyfriend does affects me, when in reality I am just lonely and worried he's leaving me behind. My responsiblities and clout I once had at the workplace are now not needed. In all of these moments I have lost myself in being the victim. My heart has not been focusing on the proper things and therefore I have lost my sense of self.

The past week or so my mind saw the glimmer of hope it once had. Hope in being independent again, hope in what God will do in my life and hope that through my misery someone can find peace. I am glad that I am starting to get back to my own sense of self where I don't need work, a boyfriend or money to make me happy. These things all add to joy of life, but I need to be okay alone, where I am at, or else I won't be okay anywhere else.

It's been 16 weeks so far and I know I have such a long journey to go. I pray I am reminded of this joy that comes when it's me with God and the rest is just icing to my cake.

To persevere

2010-08-03T03:47:00.000-07:00

The past week of my life has been hard. I go through spurts where I have good weeks with what seems like a lot of progress and then I have set back weeks where I am reminded that I have a long way to go.

I went to the doctor last week because of some weird swelling and infections around a few of my pins. They have confirmed the infection and it's just a waiting game for the swelling to go down. In the meantime I have done something to jolt my knee muscles so badly that I have been on bed rest since Sunday. I sit around during odd hours of the night, because I can't sleep due to pain, and I wonder..

I have always been told that the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. But as I sit here feeling my heartbeat through my throbbing knee, wondering when it will stop, I kind of feel like I am at wits end. I honestly don't know how much I can handle. I pray for the end, I pray the days go by fast and the pain is removed, I pray for strength to endure all of this..but it never seems to lighten up. Just when I am starting to put pressure on my leg, boom. I'm on bed rest again. Just when I think financially I won't have to borrow money for the month, boom. I get screwed over on my prescriptions and have to fork out more than expected. Little things add up that just knock any sense of confidence in my 8 weeks of perseverance out of existence.

Sometimes I just want to shout about how frustrated I am. I want to put people straight when they complain about little things, I want to yell at them for not seeing their blessings. Because as I am sitting in my bed I have a hard time seeing mine right now but I see clearly what others can't. I resist all of those temptations because I know I don't have it as bad as some. And reminding myself that keeps all of my pain and frustration in check. That's how I will continue to persevere. Knowing that my situation isn't the worst it can be, that people are more pathetic than I, and it hurts and humbles me to say that. We all must persevere.

On the Road

2010-07-19T10:21:00.000-07:00

When I get in any car I have a period of time that I use to adjust. I get nervous, sometimes nauseous, all in all am scared for the possibility of another accident. Last Saturday I got so disturbed from the inside out I started crying.

I was in my friend's car on the way to pick up Jason for a birthday party. We were driving down Allen Rd when we hit the stop light on the bottom of the hill. To our right there was a guy, mid to late 20s on a crotch rocket. He had a helmet, that was attached to the side of his bike (good place for it, idiot) His hair reminded me of a Malibu Ken doll and he was clearly trying to be impressive on his bike. He kept revving his engine while we were stopped and he kept creeping up to the car ahead of him. Once the light turned green he sped in and out of the cars and eventually pulled in front of us. We hit the stoplight at Allen and War Memorial, and the twerp was in front of us. As he went to stop at the light, he did an inverted wheeley. His bike was horizontal and thats when my gut started to turn. This kid had no idea that as he was looking around at all the cars around him making sure they were watching him do his tricks that when he looked at me all I felt was disgust, not admiration.

I started processing the reality that there are people out there with death-wishes, doing flips being irresponsible and they get their life and maybe a little admiration from the ones who see them. While Jason and I were being as careful as can be minding our own business and had to fight for our lives. I wanted to drive by and lift up my leg and say, "Real impressive mother f**er but keep it up and this is what you're going to cause." I understand that would have been totally uncalled for, but at the same time the disgust inside wanted to do something to slap him into reality and have him understand that one day he won't be invincible and neither would the people he could injure. I wonder if I will always feel this way.

PS: Kid, Malibu Ken called and wants his haircut back. Douche.

Behind closed doors

2010-07-16T18:35:00.000-07:00

So it's been awhile since my last blogpost for a few reasons. I will admit I've had a few ideas I wanted to write about but in all honesty it's tough to let the real come out. Since the accident I have tried to keep a positive attitude and grace throughout the weeks of agony. As the medication is dimishing and the reality of my life is sinking in, the days get tougher to get through.

Everyone around me has a life that is continuing while mine has been on hold for 6 weeks and will continue this way for about 6 more weeks. Every week I got strong enough to handle whatever surgery or procedure they did, the next week I had yet another to heal from. I started over every single week. As I have had two weeks since my last surgery the exhaustion is every day. I have never been at a point in life when I pray the days to go by quickly. When I do minimal activity I get exhausted and need to take a nap. I am no where near involved as much as I used to be and I do not feel I am contributing to society.

So let's just say that behind closed doors I am not as positive all the time as I am when I have company.

2010-06-30T07:34:00.000-07:00

A few years ago I was in the market for a new car. During my search I test drove quite a few different cars, and it was like clockwork that for days after I drove the car I would see that same type driving all over town. Since I've been in my accident I have had been told of at least 6 additional motorcycle accidents.

My dad has been calling me every day since my accident, if he's not there with me. Last night he was on call (he's an EMT) and his chief came to talk to him about his friend. About a week after my accident, my dad's friend was riding through town on his motorcycle (without a helmet) and a kid crossed the center line and took him out. Immediately after this guy was talking with the emergency crew and holding conversations. It was when he was at the hospital that his brain started swelling and he now has a 20% chance of living.

My friends and I joke around because I have no verbal filter and very little emotional feeling while on my medication. But as my dad was telling me this story, I actually felt heartbreak. Tears came down my face and it made me realize, "That should have been me." There is no logical reason why Jason and I are able to live the way we do now after the type of accident we had. We fought for our lives on the scene and in the hospital during our stays, but now we are in the middle of recovery. It is crazy to think that a man who was in a very similar accident now is looking at death, just a few weeks after his accident.

I want to live a life to reflect this gratitude. And I will pray for every family that ever has to be put in a situation like ours.

Faith

2010-06-24T19:10:00.000-07:00

As I sit here the night before phase 1 of my surgeries, mentally preparing for the start of a long journey, I can't help but just cry. I have always been a very independent person that no matter the situation, good or bad, I took responsibility for myself. I accepted any consequence with my head held high because that's what personal responsibility leads you to do. This is not a situation where I can do that. I didn't do anything to cause all of this, none of this was my fault. Yet Jason and I will continue to suffer through doctors appointments, surgeries, social anxiety, continual discomfort for some unknown reason.

I have tried to keep the question "Why" out of my vocabulary. It has always been a question that will most likely go unanswered during our time on earth and especially with the severity of our accident, even if we get an answer, I don't know if it would make everything okay. But as everyone continues to live their life just like they were, Jason and I face new challenges daily. Something as simple as showering or even going to the bathroom has become a chore. We have only been dating a few months but we can't even act like a newly dating couple. Cuddling only lasts for a short while before one of us gets uncomfortable or my leg gets hit or something that stops our affection. To ask "Why" seems like such a solid question because none of this makes sense. We decided on day 1 after we survived both of our emergency surgeries that we would never be victims. I will admit though that the further along this journey we go, that fight to remain humble and not angry gets harder.

Being independent you get a sense of control of this unpredictable life. My control in predicting recovery, handling work projects, deciding when I leave the house and sometimes even eating has been lost. I truly feel as if my life right now depends on the work of others. Coming from a situation where people have always been a let down that is a bit unnerving. I have surgery tomorrow morning that will hopefully start the recovery process for my leg. My surgeon is very admirable, but he's also human and may not be able to fix me. Reality sinks in and I have to believe in my heart that no matter what the outcome is after tomorrows procedure and ones down the road that this man will do anything in his power.

I don't have answers and I don't have control, but I guess what I can cling to is my faith. Faith that one day Jason and I will get an answer to the question we will hide deep in our hearts for the rest of our lives. Faith that someone might be saved or changed from our story. Faith that the doctor will be able to stop the infection and start reconstructing my leg. Faith that one day Jason and I can date in a normal setting, not one that requires us to get rides to see each other. I hope to always keep that faith.

Roll with the punches

2010-06-20T14:11:00.000-07:00

I've always been a very structured and schedule orientated person. For a living I run on schedules of meetings and I am mostly dependent on myself to make sure I get wherever on time. One of the many things I am learning during these weeks of being laid up is how to be okay with rolling with the punches.

The biggest hold up to being able to let life happen is the idea we cling on to that we need to have control or have planned everything. In the grand scheme of things, we are all merely pawns in this world we call life. As a shut-in I am at the mercy of any kind friend that can take me places and feed me. Its a tough reality, but nothing I do can change that status. No matter how many schedules or strategies I put in place, I have to be okay if things don't really happen my way. Very humbling.

I went to the doctor Friday and found out things weren't healing as we'd hoped. My skin tissue didn't reattach itself and has started to decompose. Hearing that news was sobering, but I believe God has been working on my heart to let go and realize that I have to roll with the punches. Let the doctors do their work and just continue living every day until something begins to go right.

Life is different

2010-06-15T08:52:00.000-07:00

With the hustle and bustle of being in the hospital for a week you tend to feel like a local celebrity. Doctors, nurses, and even hospital staff had heard of Jasons and my story throughout the week and came to send their prayers and kind thoughts. We had friends and family coming to see us and offering anything they can to help us on our healing journey. I've been home from the hospital for awhile now and Jason gets to go home today. I am not sure when it will hit him, but on Sunday it hit me that my life is now different.

Weekends were our chance to just spend time together. Jason and I have a very grueling schedule during the week and we purposely save weekends to be with each other. Typically Sunday night we spend lounging on the couch together just resting from the week and preparing for the week ahead. This Sunday was very difficult. My friends went boating, one of my favorite pasttimes, and I went to the hospital for about an hour before I got too tired and needed to sleep. I layed around by myself, while my boyfriend was laying in his hospital bed. Life was different.

As the week continued I spend a lot more time by myself, with my thoughts, but it's only at night that it gets hard. We never really had sleepovers, but it's a time when I feel most vulnerable. I miss him. I miss being able to just lay and watch a movie. Even when he gets released, both of our injuries are on the same side so cuddling would be extremely difficult. I just never want to take what I have for granted, because you never know how much you'll miss it when its gone.

Life will be different for quite a while.

A second chance

2010-06-14T14:14:00.000-07:00

About a week ago my boyfriend and I were spending a nice Sunday together. We were going to go to lunch, stop by my place and go to Elmwood to check out the tornado damage from the night before. Since it was a beautiful and sunny day, we decided to take his motorcycle. Little did we know that two blocks away from his house our lives have changed forever.

We were driving slowly through an intersection where we had the right-of-way and all of a sudden a car that had blown through a stop sign took us out. Life happened so strangely from the moment we were struck. It didn't seem like real life. I remember flipping towards my left side and hitting a few things before finally landing. I will spare you all the gory details, but from the moment we both looked at each other and knew the other would be fighting, there was a peace that calmed us both. After what seemed like hours of slow breathing and blurred focus I finally arrived to OSF's Trauma room.

This past week of surgeries, visitors, doctors, non-stop nurse visits, physical therapy, tears, flowers and so much more have really opened my eyes to what life is all about. He and I have grown so much as a couple and know that both together and individually we have a long journey to fight through. Through this journey I will be writing my realizations that hopefully will help you all see that today, accident or not, can be your second chance.

She got it from her mamma

2010-05-13T08:37:00.000-07:00

So this whole dating experience has been quite interesting for me. Not only do I have a lot to learn about myself, but I have a lot to learn about my expectations as well. It's not as easy as I thought to love unconditionally as well as feel deserving of the adoration I receive. This past Sunday we took a giant step, not necessarily for him, but for me. I introduced him to my family. Disclaimer: I haven't introduced a boyfriend to my family since high school.

Before I begin with details I would tell anyone that the biggest challenge of this relationship is the way we view life. We both believe in God and love others as Jesus did. I always worry what people will think and in doing so I act like the person that I feel everyone will respect. He's more carefree and more genuine when it comes to personality. So if we were to make a comparison, I am the 'good girl' he's the 'rebel'.

We decided mothers day was the best time to make the introductions. Both of my sisters and their families were coming into town and my grandparents would be at my moms as well. His sister and her family were planning dinner at his moms, so needless to say we both ate a lot on Mothers Day! We got to my moms house around 12:30 or so and the drinking began. Laughing, drinking, horsing around with the kids, belittling each other, just being the typical family I've always known. He was pretty quiet, probably just observing. (Definitely made a good impression on my mom by talking History with her..) All in all, I was happy with the introduction.

We left to go to his mom's house where I wasn't quite sure what I'd find. We walk out back and his mom, sister, and brother in law were playing cards and drinking lemonade. They immediately welcomed me in and got to know me. We all set the dinner table together, shared laughs and afterwards played cards again. His mom was showing me scrap books and including me in all the stories they were sharing. As we left his mom hugged me and welcomed me back anytime.

It caused me to really think about my perspective of who I am and where I came from. I work so hard to have people see me with my 'shit together'. Yet I fall short of loving people and being who I know I should be all the time. This guy loves people and would do anything for anyone and clearly gets his sincerity from his supportive family. I kind of felt like it should have been flip-flopped; he came from my family, I came from his. All this to say, I am continually learning more about myself than I ever thought I would from a guy whom I wasn't going to give a chance.

Painful Realization

2010-04-18T09:10:00.000-07:00

It's no surprise to those who know me to say I am a very picky dater. There once was a guy that was interested in me a few years back who was very nice and solid in his faith. After weeks of talking to each other, he showed up at a church service to meet me for the first time. Immediately I was turned off simply because he wore boots and tucked his t-shirt into his jeans and after that night we never spoke again. It became a joke about how harsh my judgement was but the severity of that problem wasn't clear until now.

For the past few months there has been someone pursing a relationship with me that I have kept at an arms distance. To be honest he's got a wonderful heart, a great job, makes me laugh every day, communicates and would do just about anything for me. All of those things are great characteristics, but until this past week I have never allowed him a chance. Why? All because of superficial things. This guy has a passion for life by making others laugh and not caring how people see him. This equates to being the jokester or 'center of attention' at times. I realize today that I get embarrassed because I am afraid of what people will think of me when I'm with him. A majority of his outfits are awful. He does not care to have a sense of style. And it doesn't bother him to make sure he's always presentable. I was forced to grow up and be professional at a young age, so I was always taught to care about what others see. What does that say about me when I'm seen with him?

Being my age and single it's very hard to find someone that fits the bill. But when I find someone with minor flaws that are changeable, I think to myself, is it worth it? The potential embarrassment, the patience needed while old habits are broken, and the humility I would need to be able to act like a kid again...do I have it in me?

I want others to see me as the fun-loving, genuine, giving, caring person that does not pass judgement. But as I sit there with someone who is just that, I am embarrassed. Shame on me.

An alteration of the mind..

2010-03-29T18:34:00.000-07:00

I get on roller-coasters of reading kicks. The past month or so I have gotten on again and decided to read books that others have recommended. Typically I have selective people that I will follow their reading advice, but the past month I have read two, and am in the middle of one book from overheard conversations. Strangely enough all 3 books have a similar theme that has stirred my brain into wanting to live a different life.

The first book I read, by recommendation of a fellow Young Life volunteer, was called "Same Kind of Different as Me" by Ron Hall and Denver Moore. It tells a story of how two very different people whose views on life were very different, yet God uses their friendship to reveal Himself. I felt the urge to serve others after reading this book, with the understanding that in reality I have no understanding beyond my own experience or assumption. There's a whole world out there in which I am so closed off.

The second book has made its way around our church community and I finally had the desire to read it. "Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne allowed me to continue my thought process on serving others and the world outside of my comprehension. A few weird things happened as I was reading his book. Primarily the government decided to vote for the Healthcare Reform which stirs a lot of emotions for someone who is caught in the middle. Working for a small business owner and knowing the taxes of what goes into a program like that, but on the flip side my heart is starting to desire a different way of living for myself. An unselfish way of life. Plus it started getting me thinking of actually having a stance on politics instead of just being so lackadaisical about the topic.

The second incidence that happened while reading this book has been running through my mind for about a week and a half. The other Sunday I had the pleasure of serving breakfast to the less fortunate. It was my duty to play 'bouncer' at the door due to the fire code needing to be enforced. I got to interact with a lot of our homeless friends that day because i got to welcome them as they walked in and give them best wishes as they left. There was one gentleman that wasn't talking to many people that particular morning and so as he walked out I decided to look him in the eye and tell him "Good Morning". He snuffed my comment and went out, later I saw he came back in and headed right to me. For the second time that morning I noticed two tear drops tattooed on his face. With the limited knowledge I have about gangs or south side lifestyles, I do know that a tattoo of a tear drop is to represent how many people one has killed. So as this gentleman walked towards me he opened his arms as if he was going to hug me. I panicked and went out to shake his hand and then for a minute or so we did this awkward shuffle dance as I was not ready to commit to a hug. In retrospect I do not know why I wasn't willing to hug him. It was fear that ran my mind and body at that moment and for the past week and a half it's been bothering me. I am ashamed in knowing that I was afraid of showing someone that they are cared about with an embrace, yet I'd get up early to serve that same man breakfast? I hugged at least 15 people that day at church yet I couldn't get myself to hug him? What if that hug was something that could change his life? This went to show me that as I am in transition and have grown a lot, I still have a lot to learn. My instinct should be to serve anyone that needs anything even if it is just a hug.

I watched the Blind Side the other night, and at the very end of the movie they talked about the lifestyle of some kids and how if they just are given a chance they might make a difference. I pray that eventually my thoughts and actions be like Jesus and people walk away from interacting with me different. Different because of Him.

The third book in case you are wondering is called "An Altar in the World" by Barbara Brown Taylor, a recommendation by my mother. I am only two chapters in but I can already tell the theme will continue.

Where am I?

2010-03-24T19:04:00.002-07:00

The question Where am I? tends to have a very surfacing meaning. Walking into a weird place, getting lost in directions but as I have reached a quarter of a century old I find myself asking that question a lot. Let me explain.

I have a lot of friends from high school or college that have moved across the country, some even overseas. They have great new lives experiencing wonderful new things. I see pictures of fabulous trips they are taking and the wonderful explorations their new friends or significant others are taking with them. I on the other hand chose a different path. After high school I stayed in town and went to Bradley. After I graduated I tossed around the idea of moving out west but never pulled the trigger. I sit here as a 25 year old, 3 years into a career, exhausted from the same scenery and I always ask myself, "Where am I?"

I am spontaneous, I am fun, I love doing new things. Then why do I not take advantage of the uncharted territory across the country like my friends have? Instead I've stayed in the same area, within roughly a 10 mile radius of where I grew up and I run into the same people time and time again. I am forced to live vicariously through the lives of the people close to me with marriages and babies. (It seems as though over the past 21 years I have been here I have either be-friended or scared off every single male species that would be dateable.)

All in all I find myself wondering, what else is out there? I haven't had the courage or finances to explore like my friends have, but if I did, what would be in store for my life? What else could Peoria Illinois possibly have to offer me? Is there any new life here for me?

Just thoughts folks, no major plans, don't worry. :)

Unworthy

2010-03-08T19:47:00.000-08:00

I haven't attended a church service in two weeks. I won't be at church this Sunday. The weird thing is that although I haven't been surrounding myself with Godly messages or sermons, my life has felt unsettled with thought. I am not falling off the deep end by any means, but my life has been in a standstill with introspection.

My heart has been heavy the past few weeks for trials and tribulations that people in my life are facing. It seems as though cancer is the most prevalent trial, but there are also some non-lifethreatening issues at hand. Divorces, unsuccessful pregnancies, loss of jobs, etc. As my heart gets weighed down with continual prayers for them I begin to think of my life.

I've been sick the past week as most of the people I have encountered share the same frustration. I don't know what it is but no matter what I did to home-remedy the situation it didn't help. When I discovered solid as a rock lymph nodes I broke down, went to the doc-in-a-box and got myself some meds (that I am painstakingly taking 4 times a day for 10 days.) The crazy part about this story is that even before and after going to the doctor, I allowed my mind and my WEB-MD knowledge to convince myself I had cancer, benign tumors or HIV. Crazy thoughts, I know.

I was driving home tonight after watching a best friend of mine go through a challenging situation and for some reason it all seemed to click. I watch good people go through crappy situations and there's not a thing I can do except pray. I believe I allow myself to diagnose myself with these issues because if it were to happen to anyone, it should happen to me. Cancer shouldn't reappear in someone who has already fought it and been through that torture, it should happen to me. With all of the things I have done wrong and taken for granted, I have finally realized that I put myself through this mental torture because I feel I deserve it.

As God has been working in my heart and mind regarding my lifestyle and becoming a better person I wonder if there is ever a time where someone feels worthy of God's blessings? In the Bible it says to ask and expect patiently. Love God and love others and God will heap blessings unto your life. No matter how progressively I have added these aspects into my life I still feel unworthy. I am so grateful for everything I have. I wish I would have started acting like it a long time ago.

Christian Competition

2010-02-24T15:15:00.000-08:00

I've been talking to a lot of my friends about what Imago Dei is doing during Lent. Partially because I feel the need to explain at times why my language is more 'pure' than it usually is. The other day I met up with some friends that I haven't seen in a while and I was explaining what Imago was doing, thinking they'd understand since they are fellow believers.

Immediately my friend seemed to get defensive claiming he enjoyed the fact that his church never participates in traditions that were created by man, ie: lent. Whether it was his intention or not but he spurred me to get defensive of my faith. I felt after I had just gone through some things I was learning through our process and he immediately began talking about how his church just continues with messages and doesn't touch on subjects that aren't Biblically created.

Why is it that we get competitive when it comes to church vs church? Isn't the body of Christ supposed to be one no matter where you worship? I know Imago isn't a perfect church, sorry if I offend any readers, but for the past few years it's been there to grow me as a person just as I've needed. Isn't that what a church is supposed to do? Not spur differences among believers just because you worship at different locations.

Life Lesson

2010-02-21T19:14:00.001-08:00

I am now a firm believer that we go through lessons in life that grow us personally, spiritually and sometimes professionally. I have gone through my share of mistakes and rough bouts in life that I have definitely grown from. The lessons may not be crystal clear but at least the trials that I have gone through to get to the purpose have been short enough where I don't feel as though I was drowning.

Lately I have been wondering what lesson I am supposed to be learning. Marriages around me are falling apart, infidelity seems to be a common practice, people are getting second and third chances at marriage and my mind gets lost in possibilities that are always dead-ended. It feels as though it's me against the world.

My prayer life has strengthened immensely and I believe now more than ever what my priorities of relationships have to be. As I am gaining confidence I keep get hitting with another test. One after another.

I was reading the book of Jonah the other day and it was talking about God giving Jonah a gourd for protection that he was so excited about yet he didn't tend to it or take care of it so it withered. That spoke to me although I am not sure what I am supposed to get from it. What else can I do besides pray when life gets hard, because it doesn't seem as though I'm getting a breath of fresh air for very long. I am molding and shaping my heart to be prepared to handle whatever "gourd' sends my way, but I still feel stuck in waiting, waiting for whatever I am supposed to learn from all of this.

Too Preachy?

2010-02-16T19:06:00.001-08:00

I have been dealing with a lot of adversity lately. Surprisingly it's not with me, but it's affecting the ones I care about the most. I have never been a person who is able to hide their feelings well, and so when dealing with these particular issues I don't know what to do.

I have two similar situations going on with loved ones and I don't know how to act. In both cases I have offered an outsiders perspective to the potential choices and consequences and unfortunately it has done nothing but cause rifts in both relationships. My comments are made out of love and are intended to help lead to a wise choice. But I was told today that I wouldn't be informed anymore of what goes on because she doesn't want to get scolded by me.

It got me thinking. How can we help the ones we care about most see the potential damage they can do to their lives and other's without sounding too preachy? I will be the first to admit I am in no position to judge or condemn anyone for the choices they make. If anything I have been flat on my face before because of life changing decisions and I know what it feels like. If I can prevent anyone from feeling how I felt then I will do whatever it takes. With these two relationships in particular I have lost the connection that I once had with both of them. At night my heart just cries out in prayer for them. Yet there is nothing I can do to make it better because I won't concede my beliefs.

For some reason, I was given a compassionate yet strong willed heart. I am just afraid that I will push away the people that could need my help the most because I can't turn a blind eye to what's really going on.

Lent

2010-02-15T19:22:00.000-08:00

For the past few weeks I have tossed around quite a few ideas of what I should give up for lent this year. No, I'm not Catholic, I think it's a great practice of sacrifice as we gear up for the true meaning of Easter. Last year I gave up sweets which I never really thought controlled me, but now to this day I no longer crave sweets. I want the same type of lifestyle impact this year. I thought of becoming a vegetarian for 40 days and as much as I admire my friends who do it, I can not imagine giving up meat completely, maybe next year. It wasn't until Sunday that I landed on my vice that I will condition myself to live without. Starting with 40 days but this vice I could probably do better without for a lifetime.

My friends joke around that I have a mouth of a sailor. I always have the funny "borderline appropriate" jokes and sometimes when I tell stories I may throw a swear word in for emphasis. I never thought anything was wrong with it because I know when to control it and my heart loves the Lord so why stop? The past few weeks I've notice my impact on a few of my close friends' lives. I've noticed one of them swearing more in conversation and she never really used to swear. The icing to the cake was a friend of mine making an inappropriate joke and as we were all laughing she said "Geez, I've been hanging around you too much." Even though she was joking that is what solidified my vice.

I will make a conscious effort to avoid inappropriate conversation and sacrifice a good joke to support my pure language. I know it won't be completely unavoidable due to some of my surroundings, but at that time of awkwardness for me I will be deep in prayer. I am counting on God to give me the feeling of "right and wrong" during this time because I know that will be a difficult filter to all of a sudden add to my life.

My meditation for this Lenten season is Luke 6:45
"Good people bring good things out of the good stored up in their heart, and evil people bring evil things out of the evil stored up in their heart. For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks."

2010-02-07T09:01:00.001-08:00

Two of the things I am passionate about are serving others and children. At our church we have a very young congregation that keeps getting married and having children. I decided when multiple births were happening around the same time that I wanted to give a gift to those couples. I decided to offer to watch their kids as a gift for them to have a ‘date night’ when they are ready to leave the house.

I had the opportunity to serve a couple in which I see and know from church but on a personal level we really don’t know much about each other. I was a little nervous that the oldest (2 years.) would not take to me and the parents would feel guilt for leaving their children under my care. I was not prepared for what was in store.

Contrary to my belief the sweet little girl and I became instant best friends. She wanted to play with me and even wanted me to carry her around the house. As her parents left and we waved and blew kisses and the comfort seemed to stay around. We played a little and then as soon as she started crashing it was time to rock and read books.

Being new to this girl and not knowing her 2 year old ‘lingo’ I couldn’t figure out what she was wanting. The tears came and I could see her frustration because I wasn’t getting it. I tried to sound out the toddler gibberish but it just wasn’t making any sense. In her frustration she kept crying out for “mommy”. After a few minutes of decoding and toddler negotiations I realized that her blanket was downstairs. We got the blanket, read her books and rocked. As she was falling asleep she would check just to make sure I was there. I sat there rocking her and listening to her breath and began to think.

Once in a while I have times in my life where no one seems to understand me. I feel lost, confused by people around and frustration when nothing seems to be going my way. I feel a lot like that sweet little baby. She knew what would make her feel better, I just couldn’t understand. Everything finally clicked and she got her blanket and just laid close to my chest as I rocked her to sleep. She felt peace and comfort in my arms, even if I wasn’t her ‘mommy’.

Sometimes we don’t always need things to be worked out. We just need to feel the comfort of what is there even if it’s not exactly what we are wanting.

Absurd Guilt

2010-02-04T19:26:00.000-08:00

I know I am not alone when I say that my mind is my own worst enemy. When something happens I can turn a situation completely upside down and blame myself until I start to lose sleep. I never used to feel this sort of guilt when I'd live my life. I was living for myself, didn't know the life that was available, you know the drill. But now it seems as though when I experience a glimpse of the lifestyle I used to live I will beat myself up for days thinking not only how I have let God down but myself as well.

Lately I've been really focused and disciplined to go to the gym, eat healthy and have an all around better lifestyle. Since I have been working out everyday and eating healthier my outlook on life has definitely become more positive. The funny thing is that I was always the person who would say, "Screw how much you weigh, are you happy?". So back to my new regime..

I started eating healthy about a month ago. Since working out I have noticed myself buying organic food, soy products and counting calories. It's just a fact that I love cheese. Since my new mindset I have eaten dairy maybe 3 times in the past three weeks. Yes, it's that intense. (Bread maybe 4 times..) Today I had a dilemma. What do I eat for lunch that is quick and healthy and that does not include a sandwich. I wrestled with this decision and even had the audacity to look online at the various nearby restaurants for their nutrition facts. What have I become? To make matters worse I was at a friends for dinner and decided to have a beer. First beer in 3 weeks. GUILT CITY!

Why do we do this to ourselves? I feel as though I have let myself down because I slacked on my regime. But in hindsight, I am the one who wanted to do this healthy lifestyle and yet I chose to have carbs, dairy and beer for dinner during the week. Isn't it my right to enjoy a meal that was prepared by friends?

I think Satan takes advantage of our pride. When we have felt accomplishment for the hard work of being disciplined he gets us. I have been more disciplined in my diet and workouts then I have been in over a year. It's not going to kill me to have a meal that's out of the ordinary, yet he makes me feel awful about it. Makes me feel as though I will go back to the exact same way I was. Just like when I slip and I'm threatened with thoughts of my former way of living.

The motivation inside us is what has to keep us going. We are passionate for the change of life otherwise we would never have started it in the first place. God is bigger than all of this guilt.

A sweet melody

2010-01-26T18:11:00.000-08:00

Those of you who know me, know I have such a passion for music. I love closing my eyes and hearing the pieces of music come together. Growing up my sisters and I had the ability to sound out music and teach ourselves the piano. I took violin lessons and played the clarinet for 4 years. But there's something missing.

Just as much as I love listening to music, I love singing it. Unfortunately for those sitting by me when I get in the music....my voice may not help make it more enjoyable. I was talking with a friend of mine that has a beautiful voice and I admitted I don't know if I can sing. I once had someone at church come up to me and tell me I had a beautiful voice, but the millions of times my family has told me I sound like a dying cat outweigh that one compliment.

So, he suggested I record my voice and listen back. OH MY GOSH. How embarrassing! I was awful! Pitchy, my voice fluctuated and I never would have gotten a Golden Ticket to Hollywood on American Idol. How can I have gone through so much of my life singing as loud as I can, and no one ask me to stop?

So I'd like to make this my official apology to those who sit by me as I sing my guts out. I am sorry for your eardrums.

I'd be up for taking voice lessons....if anyone knows anyone offering :)

Our Giants

2010-01-25T18:52:00.000-08:00

This past week I had the opportunity to hear 3 amazing speakers at a conference who had three very different yet similar. The first was a man who has suffered with MS since he was 12. He discussed David and Goliath and how facing our giants with faith is what is most important in life. The second speaker was a Navy Seal named Marcus Luttrell who was the lone survivor of a mission in Afghanistan. His story of perseverance and strength blow my mind. If I were to go through less then half of what he did I would have probably given up on life. The 3rd speaker was a paraplegic 4 time Olympian medalist who was tragically shot as a boy which caused him to lose all use of his legs. I don't know about you, but even with the small amount of detail I just gave I still feel like my life is a cakewalk. On the train home I got to thinking...

The speaker that had MS said, "We all have our giants, the only difference between mine and yours is that you can see mine." How totally true. That message resinated with me and I had the blessing to share the message at the homeless breakfast this Sunday. It's total true. We are all brothers and sisters in Christ. One of their giants is the fact they do not have warm shelter. But one of my giants is the fact that I'm selfish and could barely roll out of bed to be there that morning.

If we all take a minute to think about the various things that we struggle with, our imperfections if you will, our eyes would be open to our ugliness. It's easy to point out everyone else's faults, but when it comes to our own they aren't half as bad as other's.

I pray that my giants are revealed and that people may see my imperfections because only when they are exposed can they ever be healed.

Worthy

2010-01-18T21:07:00.001-08:00

It's ironic how messages seem so relevant to your life. Going into Sunday I was feeling as if God had really been blessing my life through my disciplines, my studies, and the peace I felt ending my week. The message at church on Sunday was about revealing to ourselves and others where we are really at. Finding that truth to determine if we would be able to praise God no matter what storms were brought our way.

That got me thinking as I drove to Bloomington after church. As clear as I felt my vision and direction were this past week, it was muddied as soon as I started thinking about where I really was. The vulnerability I was allowing was an opportunity for an attack to knock down everything that was built inside my heart the past week and to question almost everything. I doubted friendships that have always been true, I looked into innocent actions that were meant to be nothing more, and what I was about to walk into would rock my world for the rest of my life.

It was no where near the same devastation that others have experienced this past week in Haiti, but to me I felt my own personal earthquake. My foundations of family and friends were shaken and some knocked down. To make matters worse, my paranoid thoughts turned into actions and may have sacrificed the strength of those shaken friendship foundations.

Through the pain, through the confusion, and through the brokenness, I kept telling God that He was worthy. I didn't have much feeling behind it, but through the emotional exhaustion I KNEW those words were true. Somehow I know when the aide comes and the houses of friendship and family are rebuilt, He will give me the feeling of peace to go along with my words of believing He is worthy of it all.

Rain

2010-01-14T09:39:00.000-08:00

For Christmas I decided to give relational gifts to my family members. To my mom, whose love language is quality time, I gave her a calendar to have her pick a date night each month. Our first date night was last night and we went to Kellehers and to see the show "Rain" at the Civic Center. Rain is a tribute band to The Beetles. Each album was represented with the top songs as well as the styles each member had at the time. My observations of the night:

1. The Beetles are probably the best musical group that I have observed. I know RAIN did not include the original members, but according to my mother and the music I've heard, it was very comparable. From their first album to the last ,their musical talent progressed immensely and their sound was true rock and roll.
2. The music that the Beetles produced was very relevant to the times their albums were released. The messages were of peace and love.
3. The audience was older and let me tell you old people dancing compared to what I'm used to is hilarious. Let me stick my thumbs out and shake side to side. Hilarious.
4. Out of all the videos I did not see one big-chested or big-boned woman. My mom tells me they existed and they just weren't portrayed because thats not the image people wanted to describe that era.

All in all it was a great show and it really made me want to listen to the old hits.

Repentance

2010-01-10T20:17:00.000-08:00

I was 15 when my sister got married. It was a beautiful October ceremony at First Federated Church (they have a gorgeous sanctuary). As I was standing beside the altar I caught notice of a group of Asian beetles crawling up the back of my sisters wedding dress. I tried as hard as I could to hold back the laughs, but quickly everyone in the sanctuary noticed my failed attempt. The giggles caught on from the bridal party, to the guests, to the bride and groom and finally the pastor. Unfortunately when my sister's wedding is brought up that is not the memory that everyone likes to talk about. See, after the wedding we rode around on the trolly until the reception. I was clearly underage but was allowed to drink with the rest of the bridal party. I was keeping up with the more experienced and was chugging down Jack Daniel's coolers like they were kool-aid. Before I knew it I was drunk. As we made our grand entrance down the Packard Plaza stairs it was clear to all of the guests that I had been over-served. My embarrassment only started at that moment but continued when I woke up after passing out for 3 hours during the reception to my divorced parents both staring over me.

As my family reminisces about this occasion it NEVER fails that my mistake is exposed time after time. I apologized to all parties involved but old mistakes seem to rear their ugly head.

Since thats the way I've been conditioned as a kid, I find myself having difficulty when repenting my sin. Although it's undeserved God forgives us for our sins and then forgets them. I on the other hand have difficulty with the forgetting part. Any time something slightly resembles anything I have repented for, all of those sins come back and I feel even more undeserving. My mind starts to fill with thoughts breaking down all of the progress that I've made and that I deserve anything bad that happens. I know that's not healthy, but I also know they are not thoughts I am intended to have. That if I persevere through the attack, God will protect me. Even though I will always be unworthy, God's grace allows me to put those transgressions back where they belong.

I haven't quite figured out just how to forget but I know the closer I get to Him, the less I will think of exactly who I used to be.

And in case you are wondering, I haven't had a Jack Daniel's cooler since. :)

Simplicity

2010-01-05T13:55:00.000-08:00

Contrary to popular belief, I would classify myself as a hopeless romantic. I enjoy movies that have great endings and I enjoy situations that have a great ending to the story. There are even a few situations in which I have chosen to do something that I know may not be the best for me but I did it anyway for the story.

One of my favorite things to do is to spend time getting to know what makes people tick. Lately I've had the opportunity to talk with a new friend and a theme has come up in multiple conversations of ours. This friend tries to live his daily life with simplicity. Living on as little as he can and giving as much as he can. This has caused some deep internal conversations on what that would look like in my life, but as I have finished the holiday season I am taking a different approach to this simplicity idea. I have made a conscious effort to live on what I have and try to dispel the idea that I need to go out and get something to appease my desires.

Since I enjoy big drastic stories, I also feel encouraged, loved or even more assured when drastic things happen. Maybe its the security that you can get through tough situations and can be rewarded after the storm of life is over. When simple things happen I don't feel the same way I do as when drastic events occur. Here's an example. I got my grandmother a butterfly wall hanging and a picture frame for Christmas. She didn't ask for it, but I know she loves butterflies. As soon as she opened the gift she said, "Oh this is great, very thoughtful." If I were to open something I didn't necessarily need I'd honestly think, "Oh great, something else I have to find a place for in my apartment."

As harsh as that sounds, it felt as harsh actually typing that out. I want to be grateful of the simple things in life. Simple conversations, simple cards, simple expressions of a genuine love. I don't know how to make that paradigm shift or what that means but all I can say is, "Hello simplicity, I'm going to try to be around for a while."

Quarter Life Crisis

2010-01-04T18:57:00.000-08:00

I have this friend named Katie. Katie and I met on Move-In day at Bradley. Over the past 7 years we have become very close friends. It was our sophomore year of college and Katie, myself, and 4 other girls all lived in one room in the sorority house. That year was a tough year for our friendship because Katie, unlike myself, was very neurotic about everything. Any item had it's place and clothes were NOT to be left on the floor. Well I on the other hand flew by the seat of my pants, working two jobs and going to school so the last thing on my mind was cleaning things up. I will have to say though that I think Katie and I would make great roommates now. Anyways.

Katie turned 25 back in October and about a month prior she started freaking out. Not psycho freaking but more of a panic, anxiety type of freak. I thought it was just spastic Kate but as I approach my 25th birthday I am starting to have those same feelings.

Around the time when Katie and I met I had a plan for my life. I was going to get married at a young age, spend some quality alone time with my love, start a family in my mid-twenties and have a kick-ass job. Well as I begin the final haul to my 25th birthday: I am single as they come, my idea of quality time is a book, a blanket and some hot tea at 8:30pm with a 9:00pm bedtime, no kiddos and my job leaves a lot to be desired. I'm not going to lie, I did have a minor panic attack when I came to this dreadful realization. But as to any situation there is always a flip side.

I do not believe any of the guys I have dated have been marriage worthy- let alone father material. Words can hardly describe the amount of personal and professional growth I have obtained in these 25 years as I have learned about myself and my relationship with God. I know that I would not have been able to experience what I have in the past few years if my plan had worked out as I hoped. After all in Jeremiah 29:11, God says "Therefor I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I am sure His plan is better then mine. And besides, Katie just called to invite me over for dinner tomorrow that she's going to prepare in her new slow-cooker that she got for Christmas. If she can get over the hump, I'm sure I can too. :)

Companionship

2010-01-03T18:57:00.001-08:00

This past week I've had to sleep with the TV on to help my mind slow down and to be able to fall asleep. The dreaded part was that almost every night I dreamt about someone that used to be in my life. Not every night in a desirable way, more of a losing someone way. There is no doubt in my mind that people come in and out of your life to help you grow as a person and just because you cared for them does not mean they were supposed to stay. Last night I tossed and turned until 3am thinking of this certain someone and it honestly brought me to my knees.

My late night/early morning made me realize that humans are designed to be with someone else. My dreams and thoughts were a reminder of a time when I had it. Companionship carries more of a heavy meaning then I initially imagined. Married folks, imagine when your spouse goes out of town for business or vacation and you don't have that warm body laying next to you at night. Thankfully vacations end and you get your other half back, but if you are single its a desire that will be left unfulfilled for an unknown amount of time.

I still know my contentment with where God has me will weigh more heavily then this unfulfilled desire, but it sparks a question for me. When you are not in a relationship with someone, what are you supposed to do to sustain this longing? Friends don't quite always cut it or fill the void exactly as needed and prayer sometimes seems like a resounding gong. How can you find companionship that is pure and not crossing any boundaries?

Be Better

2010-01-02T13:17:00.000-08:00

Every year around the end of December I fall into a reflective state. My desire to be around others is less then usual and I evaluate where the past year has gotten me. In years past I have made declarations of things I will change and not do and typically in more cases then not I fail miserably. As many times as I have said it in the past, I know this year will be different. I'm not aiming to change things, I just want to simply be better.

First and foremost I want to be a better Christian. Relying only on God's provision and having a desire for more. More learning, more worship and more opportunities to serve. This also includes being a better steward of God's provision. Tithing, trying to live in simplicity and the sort. Focusing on growing with God instead of what I don't have.

Secondly, I want to be a better friend and daughter. This Christmas season I have decided to give relationally to my parents and grandparents. I want to continue to grow as a person and humble myself to spend time with family. I want to make an effort to connect with friends and learn more about their story. I want every person who interacts with me to walk away feeling they are important in my life. That will be hard, but baby steps will help.

I will be better at living with discipline. It is somewhat of a New Years resolution to start/continue writing. I have purchased a new computer and I am excited to have a place that I can call my own to write. I will be better at the discipline of prayer and devotion. I will construct a budget. I want to live more of a health conscious life.

All in all I want to say I'm not going to lose 10 pounds, complete a book, or other empty promises. At the end of 2010 I want to say I am better then where I am today. Simply put.

Why I love my Church

2009-12-15T06:42:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine sent me and a few others an e-mail asking about Christmas Eve services and recommendations for churches. Immediately I said 'Imago Dei, it's awesome' and gave the website. Ironically earlier that same night I was having a discussion with someone whom I know would really enjoy Imago, but he won't go because the name happened to be one of a certain author's churches. Anyways...

After I quickly shot that e-mail, I was laying in bed coming up with a case to present as to why I love my church and why my friend would like it to. This is what I came up with:

1. When you walk in the door, you come as you are. No pretending, no need to be perfect, just walk in and you'll feel welcome. Chances are you will always see a smiling face even if you aren't feeling like smiling yourself.
2. The messages are directed as growing personally as a church. We work through scripture together and it's not just a self help type of service. We don't have 4 steps to a better life or an outline that tells how you should handle one situation or another. Through historical research and comparison to Scripture, we dig through topics that are relevant and important and work through them together. It's not about you have to live this way, and don't do this, it's about how can we better ourselves to better this world. Loving God and loving others.
3. You don't just hear one person behind a lecturne every Sunday. Various community members have the opportunity of sharing their story and it gives a sense of family, a church family.
4. If you have a servant's heart, Imago Dei would be the right fit. The amount of work the church body is doing around the community is why I love my church. Serving breakfast to the homeless, building lasting relationships with families at RiverWest, and Adopt-A-Block. But it's not a bragging point. It is very important that it stays that way. Serve because you want to, not because you feel like you'll be a better Christian.
5. Honest discussion. I've never felt as open and un-judged as when I'd have discussions with any one at Imago. People always ask you, "How are you?" And there are sometimes one just can't lie. But even if I'm not feeling at my best I know I can say that and they will love me and pray for me as I would for them. It's called being real in a community.

There are so many other reasons why I love Imago Dei but this is the start. And to think I felt God was calling me to a different church and backed out of helping lead this great church plant. All I know is I've never been back to that other church since Imago started and I'm excited to volunteer in any way I can to help this place grow.

Advent Conspiracy

2009-12-07T13:49:00.001-08:00

A theme around our church lately has been about Advent Conspiracy. Combating consumerism around the holidays and doing more with our giving. We are deciding to read the book as a small group and since it was a quick read I decided to give the entire thing a go before our gathering on Wednesday.

My thoughts:
1. My first impression that ended up lasting throughout the 7 chapters was that it was a call to join a mission that has been set out by a group of pastors. In my opinion I'd say it was similar to an altar call. I am not discounting their mission by any means it's just what it felt as I was reading it. Informational pamphlet.
2. I got some really good ideas after reading of how I can give gifts relationally without feeling guilty about spending money.
3. My eyes were opened up to face the truth that I am ass backwards. Around the holidays my consumerism is not as evident as the other 11 months of the year. I think particularly because it's always so awkward to tell people what you want them to buy you. If there's something I want, I save up and buy it. If anything I think I purposely avoid going shopping for myself or others during that month. (The crazies come out.)

All in all, some good thoughts. I can't imagine myself making any drastic changes around Christmas spending just because there aren't really any I can take away? BUT a good reminder for the rest of the year that there are projects that could use funding instead of my habits or desires.

Family..

2009-12-02T16:51:00.000-08:00

Call it the Christmas Spirit seeping it's way into my heart or maybe the Holy Spirit opening up my eyes, but this week I've had quite a different perspective on my family.

I know I bitch and moan about how stressful family situations are, and by this post I'm not discounting them at all. I do not enjoy feeling the way I feel about circumstances out of my control but when the day is done you can't choose who has the same DNA as you.

I was driving home yesterday feeling very safe and secure in my car with 4 new tires and 2 new brakes. Partially due to my Grandma and Grandpa and my mother giving me some Christmas & birthday money in advance. Gifts are such a sore subject in my family, but when they all heard I was going to have to spend a considerable amount of money I did not have to ask for it. That warms my heart. My mom knows how I stress about finances and has never said no if I've ever asked, but the thing about it this time was that I didn't even have to ask. I can remember last Christmas my dad and grandma helped me out with some trips I was taking also.

I purposely don't ask for help because either I'm too stubborn or too independent, but as I look back my family has been willing to help. When I ask and they can't, I just know I'm supposed to go through the struggle to make me a better, more responsible person. Weird, I think I'm growing up.

Power of Prayer

2009-11-30T13:41:00.000-08:00

I'm in the middle of reading this book that was recommended to me and it has gotten me to start thinking about prayer and the role it has on our lives. As a Christian it is expected that you pray, in order to get closer to God, to have conversation with Him daily. In other religions prayer has more structure and it's more of a ritual then a tool for communication. I have had answered prayers in the past so I do know there is power in praying. More often then not I believe in praying for other people more then praying for myself.

We are told to pray to Him with all your wants and expect them to happen. In the Bible it says to come to him, "Ask, Seek, Knock" "You will be delivered all the desires of your heart" etc. But almost in the same breath we are told to not look at God as a Genie that will deliver any gift but as someone who will always be there with you through the tough times.

If God is always there, and God has a plan for all of our lives and God knows the deepest desires of our heart, what does prayer do? Remind us of what we are wanting that we may or may not have? Test our faith? State the obvious to the person who already knows? If we didn't pray during/for/about situations would the same outcome occur?

Thanksgiving Update

2009-11-29T13:05:00.000-08:00

Well the first Holiday of anticipation has come and gone and I have to admit it wasn't as awful as I thought it would be. We had a nice day at my aunt and uncles. Roeder Bowl usually consists of breakfast, golfing, lunch, flag football, dinner and then games. This is the first holiday in years that all 3 of my sisters and I were together. It really surprised me that my mom elected to stay home alone on Thankgiving but went over to their house the day after for dinner.

As Advent starts today the message was Hope. Being able to not get distracted and worship fully during the Holiday season really gives me hope. I am still not sure my Christmas plans but I will cross that bridge when it comes.

Holidays = Anxiety

2009-11-23T14:29:00.000-08:00

My friends play it off as a joke, but if you know me at all you will understand that I truly get anxiety when it comes to holidays. I never dress up for Halloween, (this year was the 1st time in 6 years) I never have a Valentine, I don't really get into the whole New Years thing, partially because nothing too exciting ever happens and my birthday hasn't really brought much joy either. Thanksgiving and Christmas probably are the two holidays that give me the most anxiety.

Growing up in a split household, holidays were always court-ordered. Thanksgiving at Dads, Christmas with mom, and the next year would be opposite. The anxiety started when I had a choice. The worst part was choosing who to spend each holiday with because no matter if it was equal you always felt as if you were letting someone down. The older I got the issue changed from attendance to buying gifts. It became a huge deal and the conversations usually started mid-June/July.

Last year I made a concerted effort to enjoy the holidays. I bought my first artificial Christmas tree and it was the first tree I've had since 6th grade. I feel very proud of my efforts in 2008.

This year, the anxiety has started already. In the past few months I have been reminded at least twice about the amount of wine I consumed at Christmas- if you knew the situations you wouldn't have blamed me, I swear-. (Nothing like being reminded of your faults by family to put you in the Holiday Spirit.) Since last Christmas there have been two separations in my immediate family, my mother has told me she wants to stay home alone instead of joining the rest of us at my aunt & uncles, and I have no idea where I will be for Christmas, let alone who I am expected to buy gifts for. Gifts are another can of worms, going from not exchanging gifts to then exchanging them because you were feeling guilty, etc. UGH. I will have to say that for the past two years Thanksgiving has gotten progressively better.

I will vow to try and make the best of things, but it's not looking so promising. Summaries of both events will follow. All of this to say I already have Holiday anxiety.

3 year olds

2009-11-22T16:23:00.000-08:00

I decided to pick up my neice and nephews this weekend for a sleepover. They've never spent the night with me at my apartment, so I thought it'd be fun. One thing I realized over the weekend is that that I am not prepared to be a single caretaker of 3 at the age of 24. There's another realization that I came up with, but not until tonight.

My 3 year old nephew Ethan is at the stage of asking "Why?" after EVERYTHING. Even if it doesn't even make sense, he asks. Me: Ethan, put your clothes back on. Ethan: Why. Me: Because you can't run around naked. It was cute on occasion but by the time I took him back if I heard that simple question one more time I was going to freak.

Tonight as I sit here to mentally prepare for the week ahead and recap the past week I find myself asking the same question. The embarrassing part is I am that 3 year old. I would imagine the question started at a very young age and twenty some odd years it still remains unanswered. Why do things happen? Why don't they happen?

I can't wait to find out one day so I can finally stop asking.

Here you are.

2009-11-19T17:49:00.001-08:00

The last few years have been a journey for me to say the least. It got to the point where I was rock bottom and needed help. I turned to everyone that I knew would support me and have grown so much personally that I can't not repay them.

I get very reflective around this time of year. Partially because it means a new year for new blessings and mistakes is about to start. I for sure thought 2009 would be "My Year", whatever that meant. Chances are I will consider every year until I'm in the ground "My Year".

God has blessed me lately with the ability to see things for the reality that they are. I look at people who were in my life and the route they have chosen for themselves and every time I do, I thank God for unanswered prayers. I can't imagine what my life would be like if they were still in the picture. I'm beginning to realize that about myself. We all look at situations as if they are the most important thing in life to us at that moment. When they are out of the picture or over with it's as if the feelings that existed were mere figments of my imagination, or false satisfaction for personal desires.

The good, the bad, the ugly. They are all a part of what makes our story. I now look at those people as just that, fuel to my story of life. So thank you to the people (I really wanted to put assholes- not because I'm bitter or angry but because it's a fun word to say) for being just a part of my story.

The ugly truth

2009-11-15T20:23:00.000-08:00

My mom is probably the most independent woman I have ever met. She was forced into this position a little over 20 years ago and dedicated to raising my sisters and I to count on ourselves and only ourselves. If there was anything we wanted growing up we worked hard to get it.

I see this affecting how I live my life today. Perfect example: the other day I went into Verizon to look into purchasing a new phone. The internet told me it'd be cheaper then the sales guy was, and he definitely wasn't giving me the answer I wanted. I got upset and left. Big whoop. I don't NEED a new phone, it would just be a luxury. But it made me realize how I honestly don't like when things don't pan out the way I imagine.

How can we constantly remind ourselves that unfortunately life is not all about us? It needs to be how we love others and how we can change/impact lives around us.

Strawberry Surprise

2009-11-04T12:05:00.000-08:00

So I was laying in bed last night when I hear my door start to make noise, it made me realize two things. 1. My door for sure needs some WD-40 2. MY ROOMMATE IS HOME FROM HONDURAS. It's been a really challenging week and I have missed her more then she can imagine. Plus, she doesn't read my blog, and I told her I'd only speak of it one time.

She is giddy for me to open my gift that she brought back from Honduras. She was telling me the story of some nativity scenes without Baby Jesus, Mary, Wisemen, etc. Then she came to this row of fruit and as she lifted it up, she knew she had found my gift. Maybe it's because she knew I'd get a good laugh out of it, or maybe she thinks I'm just a freak, but just know that the Strawberry Surprise is ready for any curious visitors we will have.

Thank you, my perverted minded friend. I love my gift.

Crazy Sexy Cool

2009-11-03T13:02:00.000-08:00

So I haven't been feeling quite 'myself' lately. As I have talked to other people about it, I can only classify it as a type of crazy. It's like when you know who you are, know how you typically react to circumstances and all of a sudden your mind flips a switch.

I was talkin with a friend of mine last night and he just seemed to put everything in perspective. After our phone conversation I felt clarity. I read a book later that night that seemed to be speaking my language and woke up with a slap-happy attitude. Of course in retrospect I feel just as crazy to be able to go from one extreme to the other so quickly. I can imagine this feeling of clarity won't always be this strong, but hell, I'll take it!

The title of this blog doesn't really mean anything, just wanted to bring by TLC. :)

It's not easy

2009-11-02T11:05:00.000-08:00

We are all faced with challenges in life and unfortunately no matter how much we'd want them to end, they aren't going to.

I've been thinking a lot about the idea of Story due to my recent obsession of Donald Miller and his new book "A Million Miles in a Million Years". It gives me hope to know that even if the challenges won't stop taking an outsiders view of what has happened helps get me out of the mud for awhile.

One of my many challenges lately has been causing my heart a lot of anguish. The hardest part about it is that I have brought this all on myself. Choosing to stand up for what I should know is in my best interest, yet at the same time doubting my every decision. It's not easy to stop something that made me laugh a lot, feel cared about and forget all the crap that has been going on all at the same time. But I know in the long run all of that would eventually stop and I'd be stuck alone at square one.

Life's not made to be easy...for anyone.

Traveling Showers

2009-10-28T16:15:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite things is when I go out of town and I shower as a guest. I enjoy observing the shampoo/conditioner choices that one would make as well as the various body washes in the showers. I get in a routine when I'm at the grocery store buying the same facewash, soap, etc. I like the opportunity to try new things and I feel cleaner when I shower in someone else's shower.

As strange as this guilty pleasure is, I relate it to the fact that we go through life envious of what other people have. Showering in someone else's shower allows us to have a taste of what they have in life, even if it's just their fragrance of Dove :)

Alive

2009-10-23T13:59:00.000-07:00

Where/When do you feel most alive?

I think we've all been stuck waking up, going to work, coming home, and the next day doing the same thing. Yet there are people who wake up and they never feel as though they've worked a day in their life. How are we supposed to switch gears to from the one to the latter?

I gave a presentation to local businesses on how to utilize social media in their own businesses to build awareness and connect to others. I walked away feeling alive. Like if I had to do that everyday I don't think I'd feel like I'd be 'working'. I love helping people. Showing and teaching them how to better their businesses. Feeling a sense of accomplishment.

Only if I could do that everyday. Hmmmm.

Plans

2009-10-15T09:11:00.001-07:00

Whenever anyone asks how things are going the easiest replies are typically 'Good' and 'Busy'. I like to use the word busy because it gives me an excuse if I drop the ball on a phone call or event that I didn't go to. But I was thinking about my schedule and I honestly am "busy".

Every weekend from now until November, and I think that month I have two weekends open I have plans. But if I am honest with myself if something better came up I'd change those plans. So how busy is 'busy'. :)

Disclaimer: I like things in my schedule that I want to do, it helps the week go by fast. So I can imagine the month of October will FLY by!

The Boiling Point

2009-10-12T14:37:00.001-07:00

There used to be a show on MTV called “The Boiling Point”. The purpose was to see how long an unsuspecting person could keep their cool while having one thing after another go wrong. Every minute they last under pressure is worth $1.00. I think we have these instances outside of television, but unfortunately neither we nor our unsuspecting victims get paid any money.

For me, last week was the culmination of mercury in my sanity thermometer. Every day brought on a new challenge and frustration and there wasn’t opportunity for resolution after every situation so it added up. Getting stopped at a ridiculous stoplight that has no rhyme or reason when you are running late to a meeting, you don’t feel relief what yelling at it to change. Approaching an awkward situation to resolve internal conflict, only to have it tabled and avoided, doesn’t give relief.

Unfortunately unless conflicts are handled correctly we get to a point where enough is enough. There’s going to be someone that gets the grunt of all of your anger because they are going to be the first person you can verbally tell how angry you are at whatever they have done to upset you. The disappointment can be just, but the person will be getting 100% of your emotions instead of the 10% they may deserve.

It’s a tough situation because you want to be able to be vulnerable with those in your life, but you also want to keep your dignity about you. Even though I feel like a huge weight has been lifting off of my shoulders by letting everything out, I still will feel bad for my Boiling Point victim.

It’s time to remind myself to take things one day at a time.

All in the same.

2009-10-09T17:53:00.001-07:00

Unfortunately I have never been able to compartmentalize what's going on in my life. I deal with everything all at once. As humiliating as it is, I wear my heart on my sleeve and when life's good everyone knows it. The same thing happens when life is tough only I blog more to get the thoughts out of my head. My mom always told me that things usually happen in sets of three, especially death. I like the saying, "When it rains it pours". Here's my melting pot.

I am so angry that I never seem to be able to just 'be'. Why are things always such a battle? Give me contentment, give me peace, give me some sort of tangible happiness that covers all of my anger.

I hate how I push everyone away when life gets tough. It's my way of dealing with things because honestly if no one is around there is no chance that they will let you down. I'd rather deal with it alone. I hate how I've let myself get vulernable in a situation that's going no where. I am better than that. I deserve better than that.

I hate how I never feel appreciated in the workplace. I devote my heart into what I do, but when my talents are tested the value is not there anymore.

I am so angry that marriage doesn't hold the importance to people in my life that it should. Marriage is a choice to love someone when you don't feel like loving them sometimes. I worry I will be like them. Maybe I'll see marriage as a lifelong vow but my husband won't. Then there will be nothing I can do.

I am tired of fighting for everything. I look at people who seem to have all the blessings in the world. They aren't fighting financially. Give me security for once in my life.

Give me the desire to serve others when I really feel my world is a mess. That's the only way I can get through. You are the only way I can get through.

Psalm 13.

No Expectations = No Letdowns

2009-10-08T06:53:00.000-07:00

I have this theory that if you don't expect anything to happen either good or bad you won't be dissapointed in the end result. I have tried to convince myself that this is the way to go in life because then you don't have to come to the awful realization that the people you think so highly of will let you down. If you don't expect them to do things then when they don't there is no conflict.

Unfortunately I have realized that even if I voice outloud that I don't expect anything from anyone, in my heart of hearts I really do. I have hidden agendas or secret expectations. I have hope that the people in my life want to follow through or do things without me expecting them to. But truth be told I get let down when I don't feel like a priority, when plans change, or when things like that don't happen.

I give people the benefit of the doubt. I put trust in them even when they have not shown me they have earned it. I see the person they are meant to be instead of the person they are now.

I just don't think its possible anymore to live life with no expectations or without any letdowns.

Character Development

2009-10-07T19:27:00.001-07:00

Do you ever take a bird’s eye view on what is going on in your life? Until recently I’ve allowed myself to be buried in the crap that is my life. Worrying about the random junk in life that takes away from the enjoyment of living every day. I started reading this book that discusses character development in a story. I’m not finished with the book yet so I’m sure there will be more posts about it as I continue. I’ve already got the wheels starting and it has helped me step out of the crap and see the bigger picture.

The author, Donald Miller, starts out talking about the idea of “Story”. In my own words it’s explained as character development, dealing with adversity, and character change/end result. I get frustrated when I don’t understand why things happen in my life. Why am I the only one that seems to be dealing with this situation or another? Why do I feel discontent in life? Why are my bills so ridiculously high? Why do I get frustrated when other people let me down? When I’m stuck in the mess and crap of life this is what I see.

Just like any other American I have dealt with my share of crap. But taking an author’s perspective on the story that is my life, the crap that goes on is developing me into the person I am meant to be. Instead of just seeing every bad situation or tragedy as a bad situation or tragedy I’m being challenged to look at it as a learning experience. What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger, and in the end I will be one strong as hell woman. I see my character being developed every day. When you look at it from this view, it feels a lot better to go through the stuff then when you are stuck in the middle of it.

Once it hits your lips

2009-09-30T13:47:00.000-07:00

Over the past few weeks I have been participating in Old Chicago's Oktoberfest Beer Tour, at Oktoberfest in Lincoln Park, and enjoying watching football for 3 weeks with an ice cold beer.

It's Wednesday, middle of the week, no reason to celebrate, and what's on my mind? Sam Adam's Oktoberfest. Why is it that fall and beer go so nicely together?

Living for Today

2009-09-22T07:36:00.000-07:00

Lately I've had encounters with people who are living for today. Both individuals are in different life stages and so that choice leads down different paths. But as someone who can relate to each life stage I feel a bit torn as to what that means for me.

You have the single perspective of doing whatever you want. No kids, no family, nothing to 'hold you down'. This living for today looks more like flying by the seat of your pants and living somewhat of a carefree life. There are no worries about the future and in reality some of the situations of today don't hold much weight.

On the other hand theres the other side where there are many other aspects of life to consider. My friend in this boat has a life situation where his parents are affected and his mom may pass away any day. He's got a mortgage, wife, and holds a little more value to decisions today. When you are married or in a serious relationship that matters because you have kids or a spouse to think about.

I have to say that I'm in the middle. I don't have that weight of decisions but for some reason I can't let myself live 'carefree' like I did a majority of my life. Where's the line?

3 types of people

2009-09-10T06:10:00.001-07:00

I went to a young 'church' type gathering the other week where 20-somethings from various churches came to worship and listen to a talk. There was no doubt that the speaker was very passionate about his views and his relationship with Christ. I think the difficulty in gathering people who are used to worshipping differently is that they may walk away with a completely different message then intended. This is what I walked away with regarding the 3 types of people in the world...

The first person is the weak person that can be prayed on by good or evil. Usually the worldly things snatch this person up. They aren't strong enough in anything to stand for themselves or what they know is true. I would categorize this person as someone who is unaware of how different life could really be.

The second person is someone who knows the Bible, knows passages, claims to know Jesus and falls into sin. Their church tells them it's okay to sin, if their heart is in the right place. In my opinion, I felt as if this was presented that night as the 'luke warm' Christian.

The third person was someone who knew the Bible in and out, who proclaimed the Truth to whomever was around and who was 100% sure they knew where they were going, how they need to live their life and how to get others to follow. This person knew the Bible was the only way to salvation and it was the roadmap for hte future. Nothing else mattered but studying the Bible finding out direction. (which I don't entirely disagree with) It was clearly presented that this was the 'correct' person of the three.

Maybe it's just my past experience in finding faith, but the Bible directly did not lead me to Christ. It was the people who loved me for who I was when I was a sinner, that told me it was okay to come to Christ without being perfect that helped lead me to salvation. I felt very attacked that night because if you were to ask me, I'd say I was the second person. The 'Luke Warm" Christian if you will. I don't know the Bible in and out, I make mistakes, I have fellow believers who support me through those mistakes, but I KNOW where my heart is. It's a journey we make in becoming like Jesus. I would rather be the person exploring my faith and changing every day because of the fact that Christ has my heart then the one who is so sure of everything that may tend to slip into the person that isn't very Christlike, the 'Know it All" type of Christian.

No matter what person you are, love God, love others, and you'll do just fine.

Sin Exposed

2009-08-30T12:22:00.000-07:00

I had the opportunity to have coffee with a friend last week and it started getting my thought process going. We were discussing the difficulty of keeping in mind that all sins are viewed equally becuase it seems there are the those 'bad sins' that everyone thinks are worse.

Unfortunately there are times when are sins are exposed and we recieve judgement from those who witness them. For example, an out of marriage pregnancy. There's no hiding the fact that you struggle with sexual temptation. But what about the sins that aren't really noticeable by others? Pornography, selfishness, judging others, etc.

We all struggle with different things, so this week I would like to see those who are ready to pass judgement on others for their sin, to take a second to look in the mirror. Grant that grace that God gives us every day to those who may need it more then you understand.

Embrace the Silence

2009-08-23T19:25:00.000-07:00

I will be the first to admit that I am not a fan of awkward silences. Almost every day I meet with new people to interview them, and they tell us to "let there be silence". But in all honesty to avoid these situations I am always prepared with another question to either probe deeper in their answer or to completely switch the topic. I've found that in life the times when we allow so much noise to fill our silence we don't really give ourselves a chance to hear God.

Encouraged by the series at church, I wanted to find where Imago Dei (the image of God) leaks out into our world. But to be honest I never allow myself a chance to hear it. Last Tuesday I needed to find a way to get near God again, I needed to feel the Imago Dei in SOMETHING.

I borrowed a friend's bike and decided to go on the Rock Island trail by my place. It was first awkward having the accurate strength to balance the handlebars. I mean I haven't been on a bike in like 10 years. As soon as I got on the trail and found the accurate speeds I just let loose. I had no one with me to talk to and the trail was pretty empty that day. I found God again. I know He was technically never lost but I just felt His presence as I was enjoying the scenery.

I had plenty of opportunity to go riding again a few days later but I felt it would be better for me to rest, if you catch my drift. I got to embrace the silence once again. I layed by the pool, started reading a book and just layed there. It wasn't until 6:45pm that I left my house for the first time that day. My roomate was gone, I read, I ate, I napped, I prayed, and it's been the closest I've felt to God in a long time.

Life happens. We let things slip in the way and cause even noise for us to miss the true importance of life. I encourage anyone to take time this week, even if it's just for 30 minutes to turn off your cell phones, leave the TV off, and embrace the silence. You'd be amazed the work God can do in those few moments.

Friendlationships

2009-08-04T12:11:00.000-07:00

I bought a book a few years back with the ridiculous title of "Friendlationships". The sub title said "From like, to like like, to love in your twenties." What a stupid book. As if you need a book to understand what goes on in your heart and mind.

I picked it up a few months ago to leaf through and to be honest it intrigued me so I read it. One of the things that I can't seem to understand is how to have a boy girl FRIENDSHIP without feeling like it has to progress into a RELATIONSHIP.

Now I have admittedly been on both sides of this awful scenario. I have been the friend that wants more and gets rejected and I've been the one that wants nothing but friendship. So I understand the polar opposites of the spectrum. But what's hard to digest is the certainty that at one point or another one of the friends will start developing feelings.

God created man and woman to cohabitate so we would not be alone. God told us to love others unconditionally. But where do we as humans draw the line dividing friendship and emotions? How do we prevent romantic feelings from arising in a relationship where it's clearly not wanted?

I don't have the answers, becuase if I did I wouldn't continue to put myself in these situations. But one thing I know is you can prevent awkward conversations by always being up front and honest. I'd rather be told and tell someone a relationship is not going to progress then to live with the unknown possibility.

So...words of wisdom..if you're just not into someone and you know they are into you, tell them gently. Save them embarrassment.

We are officially our own biggest let down.

2009-07-27T15:35:00.000-07:00

I don't think I'm alone in feeling like I've let God down. Months go by where my spiritual walk is progressing and I can recognize the work God has done in my heart. I feel confident that the things I've given to Him are gone and can focus on the person He wants me to be.

Then I get hit with a ton of bricks and it's like I have no idea where that person is anymore. I struggle to find that peace God had given me and I let myself slip. You know what I mean, do things you know aren't right, swear when you know the overflow of the heart is what comes off the lips, etc. Satan has a way of sneaking in and overtaking your world.

I think it's at this time when it's extremely important to remember that the fight we are fighting to be closer to God is not one of flesh and bone. Nothing we do can prevent us from the love of Christ. It's all a supernatural fight and Satan is very clever! The Evil one will take any foothold we give him.

When I fall now, I get back up, brush myself off and guard myself with the Word, understanding it is only God who can rightfully place judgement and Him who will heal our wounds.

What If..

2009-06-13T22:16:00.000-07:00

I have been asked the same question over and over from my friends that I haven't seen in a while, "Where have you been?" I mean, how am I supposed to answer that question? "Well, the Lord has been doing a lot of work in my heart.." I don't think so.

I decided to spend some time with wonderful people that were a part of my life for a while before God got a hold of my heart. As I sit here after coming home and I am filled with the udder most joy. I am so grateful that God has saved my heart. The worries, the drama, the temporary fixes for all of the void we fill do not interest me anymore.

I found out some pretty tough news tonight. News that months before would have lead me into oblivion. It was like God was holding me the entire time tonight; not letting me slip into old habits to take care of the sting. It lead me to think..

Where would I be if I hadn't given my life to Christ? I had half-assed dabbled in the faith for years before. Meaning I'd go to church on Sunday and have great Christian friends. Not truly believing God was what I needed.

I know that I will always love these people for the comfort they gave me before, but I can not even imagine where my life would be if I did not make the tough decision to leave what I was comfortable with and follow the Lord.

Where does my help come from...

2009-06-07T11:52:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had those weeks where it seems as though everything is falling apart? That no matter what area of your life you have felt the most stability an earthquake hits and you are utterly shaken? That all of the plates of life you've been spinning well for months have all fallen. That was my week.

I was frustrated with God that He could let everything happen. That I have been walking the line of faith for once in my life continuously and yet I was still in the middle of this mess of life. Why can I never get a break in life? Why do I always have to be fighting for one thing or another? I felt like my family life was a mess, that my job wasn't the place I needed to be, and that I wasn't a good enough person for guys to pursue, the list goes on and on. Being a 'faithful servant' I turned to God asking the one question that will leave me more frustrated then before, "Why?"

That's the problem. We want to know the answer to the infamous question and when we don't get the immediate satisfaction we start to get frustrated with God. Our pride and self righteousness grows each day that the answer never comes. Satan uses the unknown as a wedge between us and the only person who can guide us. I claim to be surrendering everything to God, yet my cries at night are empty frustrations that I don't have the answers to my questions. I have let myself slip into the way I live daily instead of living for Him.

If we live with God's work and kingdom in mind, the questions we have in life do not hold a candle to the real issues at hand. I need to work with a joyful heart, doing what's asked of me and God will lead me to the right people to recruit. I need to love others unconditionally and I will not have hate in my heart when people do not live up to the standards I hold them to. I need to be grateful and a good steward of all of the blessings I have in life and will not be yearning for the things of this world. I need to give my heart to God before he will lead the man He has for me into my life instead of holding my heart out to anyone that passes by. I need to die to myself and live for Him and the "Why" will be unveiled. My help needs to come from God and only God. Not myself.

Marriage: Obligation vs Choice

2009-05-25T14:52:00.001-07:00

To date I have received 10 wedding related invitations for the year of 2009. It's a very beautiful life stage that I am excited to be a part of. The scary part for me is that every time I celebrate someones new life changes I feel a sense of added responsibility.

This past month I had the great opportunity to fly down to Dallas to witness my childhood best friend marry the man of her dreams. We had always talked about finding the man to marry and starting the families we've always wanted. Our life paths have taken us completely different ways, but when we reunite it's as if nothing has changed. As I was sitting in the airport on my way back I couldn't help but break down.

See, as I was standing as a bridesmaid to witness and vow to the Mann family that I would fight for their marriage, another marriage I vowed to fight for 10 years ago was falling apart back home. I will be the first to say that I do not know the stress that marriage could bring. But for the first time in my entire life I felt conviction and righteous anger.

Marriage is beautiful. As Charlie mentioned on Sunday it's a give and take dance between a husband and wife. A beautiful and humble submission that allows for personal growth each day. Marriage is a choice. When you stand up to make that decision, you make vows to be there forever; not forever until things get tough. Thats where the obligation comes in. The wedding day is when God reigns over the marriage, your friends and family believe you will do whatever it takes to perservere and it's a time to celebrate a new life together.

I can't seem to fathom how you can stand up and make those vows and then years later decide it's just not the life you want anymore.

My prayer over the past few years has been for God to deliver me a spouse. One who loves me unconditionally, challenges me spiritually, and forgives me repeatedly. Maybe it's the heartbreak I've seen that marriages can cause but I am now spending that precious prayer time for those who are hurting.

When I witness Godly marriages, or discuss what a marriage is supposed to be, it brings tears to my eyes. I just wish others could see and feel what I do. I think there would be fewer broken marriages across the world if that were the case.

I know I will continue to wrestle around with this issue but to those who have asked me to, I will continue to fight for your marriage, always know that.

Life is about me.

2009-03-08T19:32:00.000-07:00

#2
Twenty-four years later and I've come to a tough conclusion, one that I'm sure many people along my path have tried to tell me, but my mind has been jaded with another lie. My life in fact is NOT about me.

When we do something right as a little kid everyone is so proud and even calls attention to your successes. It instills a sense of accomplishment as a kid and I think it's very important for a well balanced self esteem in the later years of life.

There was some switch in my mind to get me thinking that life owes me something. My situation wasn't like everyone elses and I worked really hard to get where I am. "So what?"

I'd like to think of myself as a compassionate person, but when I think about who I show my love and empathy for, they are all people just like me. Of course I'd chose to serve others if I was asked to join in the opportunity but as a believer and an advocate for Christ I can honestly say I'm not the person to seek out these opportunities.

I am so concerned with what's going to happen with my future, where I'm going to live, who I am going to marry, what could I do to grow with Christ. I am frustrated because for so long I thought as long as I was growing with God my walk was 'right'. What makes it so good if I'm not impacting people around me? Or making a genuine effort to make this world a better place?

I pray for God to show me as well as others how to love others, serve others and in turn make an impact on the people we see daily all for His sake. I need to be humbled to convince myself that the lie I've been telling myself is not true, my life does not revolve around me, I'm merely a pawn in His world.

Through the mind of a sinner..

2009-02-23T19:46:00.000-08:00

The growth of my heart this past year has been too great to type in one blog post. Heck, I don't even know if people still check this so I'm writing for myself. I realized tonight that I love to write, for an audience or even just for myself.I started thinking about the different lies I've allowed my mind to believe over the years and I am ashamed. As I was running through the list of lies it dawned on me that this could easily turn in to a book. I'm not thinking I will be publishing anything any time soon, but I wanted to share my thoughts. I won't commit to blogging regularly, but I will admit I felt energized when I put my thoughts on paper tonight, so energized that I am up an hour past my bedtime just to type a blog.

We tell ourselve so many lies. There are even times we get so out of touch with reality that the truth seems like fantasy. The world constantly tells us that we need to live a certain way and if we concede then that is the best life can get. Freedom. No regret. Living for the moment. When the excitement of life slows down even for a brief moment the pit of emptiness starts to deepend. But don't worry because as human nature allows we will search for another opportunity for distraction. Reality can't sink in until we let it and sadly it took me 23 years to let it sink in. I feel that I can safely claim that I finally see life for what it is. Ups and downs, love and heartbreak, surprises and tragedy. Life is full of good and bad you just take it one step and one day at a time.

#1. I am not good enough.

Everyone has stories of when they have felt their God given talent has not made the cut. Sports teams, academics, relationships, heck I even know people who feel that they aren't good enough to go to church. I wish I knew what genetic wiring it was that could just turn on during childhood and block our thoughts from continuously stepping in to be our own worst enemies. Unfortunately it's not that easy. We are conditioned to think and feel certain ways. If we want change it takes hard work and a belief.

I bet my thought patters stemmed from a young age. Yes my parents divorced, and I know it's a cop-out excuse. Everyone blames a broken home for problematic children or long-term commitment issues. I do not want to be that person. I take full responsibility for the choices I've made and the thoughts I allow. I do however feel that I let myself get jaded when I started to feel as if I wasn't good enough because I was different. Society used to paint a picutre of what 'normal' families consisted of. A mom, a dad, happy siblings, a dog, a fenced in yard, and a neighborhood that had block parties. We weren't like that. I will say that the way society is pictured now isn't the same as it was 20 years ago. I always felt judged because I was different.

The easiest way for me to handle this awful feeling was to try as hard as I could to fit in. Whether this meant drinking, stealing, smoking, or whatever it was to make no one care that I was different. What I didn't realize at the time was that I had been sacrificing everything positive I had going for me. The hurt of me not being good enough never went away even though people seemed to like me. I can remember weekends in high school when I sat at home because my friends had forgotten to call. I was still alone and I still felt I wasn't good enough.

As I got older the situations were different but the feelings were still the same. I met a guy, a good Christian guy and I actually allowed myself to date him. I dropped the 'tough girl' act and let him see who I truly was. Three weeks later he broke up with me. I didn't see it at the time, but I totally see how we are better friends then boyfriend and girlfriend. I tell this story not for embarrassment but to bring in to light that the pain was still the same. I didn't feel as if I deserved to date a Christian guy. This just goes to show that Christian or non-Christian, we still tell ourselves the same lies.

To overcome those lies we must remind ourselves of the Truth, that each of us is fearfully and wonderfully made. We may not all be the schools' Homecoming queen, or voted "Most likely to succeed" or even have the best job in the world, but the most important thing to remember is that we are all still here. For some reason or another we have each been given the gift of breathing another day. Tomorrow brings too much uncertainty, I want to feel good enough today.

I started a new job a little under a year from when I made this mind blowing realization of what life really is. I know this career has been a gift from God becase of my growth as a human. I have never felt so personally, professionally, or spiritually motivated then when I started working for Northwestern Mutual. What has helped me make this revalation is the truth that I am tired of not feeling good enough and I'm the only one that can change it. If you don't like where you are in life, then make a decision to change. Seek God for His wisdom. Pray continually. Fast. Seek other believer's guidance. Do whatever it takes to find His light to what He has called you to do.

I have heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. If you are tired of not feeling good enough then try something different. God is way to creative to create a universe of people who are mediocre. Stop lying to yourself and make a change.

Debt to God.

2008-07-07T06:56:00.000-07:00

I laid in bed early this morning clutching to my pillow as the thunder cracked and shook my apartment complex. I have never felt so fearful in my life and after praying for it, I never receieved peace. I know that fear does not come from the Lord but even after I prayed the fear never left. Yes, it did stop cracking and booming long enough for me to fall back asleep but even when I woke again to head to the gym anxiety filled my heart.

I've been thinking a lot about my walk with Christ. There have been some things that I have always struggled with that I know in my heart are on the way out the door. I am human and tend to find myself slipping, but I always pull back in-line with how I am supposed to live. After multiple conversations with Christian friends and even a few sermons at church I know that if you do something wrong or that isn't lined up with God's will then we need to make it right. But what if I don't know what will make it right? I can apoligize to those involved, ask for forgiveness but I don't seem to forgive myself.

That's where I am. Humbled.

Called out.

2008-05-13T07:50:00.000-07:00

The past month I've been called out by at least two people regarding my blogging activity. To answer any questions, no I didn't quit blogging. Someone once brought it to my attention that I only blog when things are bothering me. If thats true, maybe my lack of blog posts is a good sign. So I'll update you.

I love my job. I love the people, schedule, hours, company. Everything is wonderful. It keeps me busy and interactive.

I'm moving out May 31st. Tara and I are parting ways- on good terms of course, but it's been a good two years having her as a roomate. I'm going to be living alone for the first time. There are personal concerns, but I think this will be the best for me.

My dating world is null and void. I meet great people but there are always 'hangups'. I wonder why I meet this people if they are just going to be my friend. I'm 23 years old, have a lot of friends, and to be completely honest feel like a girl on a diet at a buffett being told not to eat anything. :) Oh well, one day.

I think thats the update, I'll try to remember to do this more often.

Free as a bird in a cage.

2008-04-20T18:57:00.000-07:00

Psalm 11:1-3
"In the Lord I put my trust; How can you say to my soul, Flee as a bird to your mountain? For Look! The wicked bend their bow, they make ready their arror on the wrong, that they may shoot secretly at the upright in heart. If the foundations are destroyed what can the righteous do?"

The challenges of a spiritual plateau seem inevitable. This passage has resignated in my heart the past few weeks because it gives me a vision of reason, an explanation of some sort.

I feel as though the closer I get with God and the more I 'spread my spiritual wings' the more my heart hurts with frustration. None of us can ever be whole hearted like Jesus, we always fall short. It's like a tease. Sure we all want to be great disciples and live like God intended, it's like a race where the finish line keeps moving farther and farther.

Jesus on TV

2008-04-02T18:50:00.001-07:00

I've been a fan of American Idol this season, simply because I enjoy the acoustic sounds that most of the contestants are prone to this year. I'm sitting here both amazed and impressed with what I just saw on tonight's episode.

Dolly Parton's songs were covered and she was the 'vocal coach' for this week. She just preformed a song called "Jesus and Gravity". The song talked about the only thing she will ever need is Jesus to pick her up when she falls. She preceded to tell Ryan Seacrest that "She has Jesus, he (Ryan) can keep Simon." This 5 minute presentation continued on national TV.

I'm surprised that national television let this happen, and I wonder just how much flack she'll get for speaking the Truth and her beliefs. Way to go Dolly.

A "Mutual" Fit

2008-04-02T07:45:00.000-07:00

I've been at my job as the Director of Recruiting at Northwestern Mutual for about a month now. I can't being to explain how I feel.

For starters, my boss is a very Godly man. He has challenged me personally, spiritually and professionally. Because of him I now have written goals and feel completely supported in whatever decisions I make for the company. That same feeling carries over to the other men (and staff women) in my network office. They are awesome people who genuinely love and care about helping others.

I find myself looking at the clock after 5, not realizing how fast the day goes by. I enjoy waking up in the morning to come to work. I have a lot to do, but it's an exciting overwhelming, not stressful. I meet a lot of new people daily!

Yesterday I was in Champaign for the day to meet and train with some of our network employees. I'm in charge of Contract & Licensing employees so I've been in touch with them a lot, it was great to finally put the faces to the names & voices. Four of us who work directly together had a nice lunch at Biaggi's. We talked about personal matters and then I decided to ask them about their history with the company. Every one of them had a great story of how they got involved and one in particular brought me to tears. Her name was Cheryl and as she told her story she was speaking what I was feeling about life. She told me, "Leslie, God's timing is always perfect." I was sitting with my new co-workers feeling the presence of God, and feeling re-assured that this feeling I had about my new job wasn't just 'too good to be true'. Everyone I've met at Northwestern Mutual truly loves what they do, and it really is like a family here.

Unexpected..

2008-03-21T14:33:00.000-07:00

Over the past few months I've been babysitting for this couple that has two extremely intelligent boys. One of them just turned 4 in November and can translate between Swedish and English (I'll tell him something in English to say and he says it in Swedish.) They are so much fun and I'm constantly blown away by their intelligence. The little one is two and can read. The parents are so nice and have been supportive of my 'changes' the past few months.

The other night I caught view of a book that completely surprised me. It was "The Atheist Guidebook." It was a compilation of various pieces regarding atheism. The minutes went by so slowly until the kids went to bed because my curiosity was killing me. I wanted to open and see what outlandish ideas these folks had.

I read that...
Jesus was a magician and that's how he preformed miracles.
Jesus was real, but he was not the son of God.
Christianity is selfish because "We Christians" are the only ones that can be saved.

I can't tell you how unsafe I felt while reading that. I didn't believe a single word, and when I came across things that irked me I wanted to shout my beliefs outloud. It's scary to know that nice people like these aren't saved.

Lent

2008-03-16T08:55:00.000-07:00

My heart hasn't been right with the whole "Lent" idea. Maybe it's because it wasn't a part of my culture growing up, but this year I decided to jump on the Lent bandwagon without much knowledge.

I know you give up something for 40 days (I saw the movie 40days/40nights) and you get one day a week to 'cheat'. I've done pretty well if I do say so myself and until last night stuck to that rule. I was sitting there with friends at PoBoys (which is actually a cool place if you haven't been there!! Hidden entertainment in Peoria.) A friend bought me a drink and I drank it. Not 10, but one. I didn't feel conviction.

To me, there are so many loopholes when it comes to Lent. If it's supposed to be a symbolism of sacrifice, why do you get the cheat day? You are supposed to use the temptation time to pray, but how many people remember to do that? Maybe it's just because I'm green behind the ears on this subject, but I didn't. Let's say you give up swearing for lent, that takes training of the tongue to stop, and you accidentally slip. You ask for forgiveness and 'try' not to do it again? It just seems too easy.

Daily I try to step outside of the box to focus on what I need to change/sacrifice for my relationship with God to grow. I've heard others this sacrificial time is supposed to help with struggles in the future. (Not swearing like a sailor for 40 days should help in that arena, etc) I don't think I've grown as a person by giving up alcohol. Maybe I am looking at this whole experience in the wrong light, and in that case I'd be up to listening to support. I just don't think "Lent" is something I'll participate in again.

My life

2008-03-12T09:57:00.000-07:00

I started my new job as the Director for Recruiting at Northwestern Mutual Financial Network on Monday. I think I'm going to enjoy it! I have some great people and I can't wait to take over the reigns and organize everything. Lots of new information to learn, I've already had 6 interviews to sit in on, 3 meetings so far, needless to say I'm exhausted.

With stress comes health problems. I'm STILL sick (I've been sinus-sick since December) but other issues are arrising again after two years. I know as a women my punishment since the 'fall' has been pain in childbirth....I haven't had any kids but if it's anything like what I feel now, I'll be fine.

My biggest struggle right now is balancing living in fear and joy of the Lord. I don't know why I don't feel the joy, but with everything I am in constant fear. God has blessed me so much lately and has definately helped me stand after being humbled just a few months ago. I assume I constantly fear because it wasn't that long ago I felt joy and had everything taken away. I don't know the real reason, after all, I'm not God.

Thats my lunch-hour blog. :)

New New New

2008-03-03T15:27:00.000-08:00

So much has been going on lately, and I don't really have the desire to separate the blog posts. Here's a summary...

1. I bought a new car on Friday. It's a 2006 Honda Civic LX. I really felt that the Mazda would not be the best economically for me. I enjoy it, it gets me from A to B. with better gas mileage and without the fear of flying off the road.

2. I'm becoming more aware of how my 'brothers in Christ' treat me. Comparing my relationships to how I think I should be treated as a woman and to actually see how I'm treated is a harsh reality. This is vague, but I'm sure I'll post this more in depth later.

3. The past few weeks my life has been lived with fear of the Lord. Which I understand is good and it's how things should be, but let me give an example. I'm not excited about the car. I've told myself that God blessed me with it, He can surely take it away at the drop of a hat. Thats how I'm living my life with everything. Weird. As if God will be punishing me for everything I do wrong.

SO much is going on. I pray that God will give me strength to handle things the way I'm supposed to.

Adios Poopy Friends

2008-02-28T18:12:00.001-08:00

Today was my last day at Little Friends daycare. I can't begin to tell you my thoughts or feelings at about 3pm. I'd spent the morning in pre-school and then the afternoon with crying, miserable children. We had 3 babies teething (mind you, we can't give Tylenol unless the parent brings it) one whose mother only brought 3 bottles for the day, and she's too young for anything else, one who has an ear infection and one who got sent home with a fever. I was literally counting down the minutes until the end of the day. I started at 180 minutes.

I'm looking forward to this week for clarity and a fresh start before I begin at Northwestern Mutual.

Captivated by the Wild at Heart

2008-02-24T15:52:00.000-08:00

The past two months I decided to read both "Captivating" and "Wild at Heart". My desire is to grow as a woman of God, but how does that relate to the opposite sex. I know that these ideas in "Wild at Heart" are simply just that, ideas from a simple man of God. But some of them got me thinking...Here are my thoughts while reading "Wild at Heart" by John Eldridge.

1. "Women are viewed as the 'beauty' to be fought for." This is a hard concept for me to grasp. Can we as women do nothing but wait for men to get their act together and fight for us? Are men supposed to be the only pursuers in a relationship?

2. "Men back away from commitment or adventure because they feel they aren't good enough, or that they don't have what it takes." If this is true what can I do as a woman to show my future man (or current men in my life) that he is not a failure or good enough? Everything in this world will constantly challenge a man, how can I be the 'light' in their lives to validate them?

3. Women are attracted to the adventurous side of a man, but as soon as he is hers, she tries to tame him. (Interesting idea...I've seen this happen)

4. "We've come to believe deep in our hearts that needing anyone for anything is a weakness or handicap." (pg 122) How true this is for my life. I've been so independent that I feel ashamed when I need to ask for help or I always believe I will be let down if I trust anyone. I wonder how this will change when I 'NEED' to rely on my significant other.

5. "Satan doesn't just throw thoughts at us, he also can throw feelings." I never really thought that before. I always believed what I felt was from God. Whether it was joy or conviction.

I have learned the past few months that I love to read. I enjoy being constantly challenged by new ideas, but what I've found is that I have a lot to learn.

My God questions...

2008-02-20T08:32:00.001-08:00

Ever since I was little I have always thought my uncle Mike was in Heaven with God. I would talk to him, tell him things about me, but obviously didn't get any response..you know typical little girl stuff that I didn't know any better. Lately I've found myself talking to my Grandpa. People always say, "Oh so and so is looking down on us from Heaven." Which got me thinking... Can people who are in Heaven hear our prayers? Or hear when we talk to/about them?

My second God question that has been on my mind this past week is this...how can we seek God when there is an earthly time sensitivity? For instance, this week I have been actively seeking a new car. Not because it's flashy, but because the wheels on my explorer have been grinding so hard when I break that I fear they will fall off. (Especially the front left.) So in searching for an economically friendly (I mostly mean gas), safe car that I can invest in I have found a Mazda3. Figuring it out, it won't cost too much more than my explorer but on the other hand I will save so much on gas. I want to do this in a way that glorifies God. But if I hold off much longer I won't have a vehicle to trade in if you catch my drift. I have been seeking counsel, and working through all the questions they have and I really don't feel like I shouldn't buy this car. I have spent many mind hours and lots of time in prayer and I don't have a bad feeling. Fasting to get answers is another way. Is that all I can do to 'seek God'? How do I know if this is okay with God. He hasn't given me a clear YeS, but he hasn't given me any NO....

Those are my God thoughts this week.

Praise God.

2008-02-13T08:54:00.000-08:00

Life has been so busy for me! Typically that would be more of a stress than a praise, but I can't help it, God's been opening so many doors for me that the hectic schedule does nothing to me but wear me out.

First is first. I got offered a Director of Recruitment position at Northwestern Mutual on Monday afternoon. This would be a great opportunity for me to use my skills in networking and the money isn't bad either. I have great feelings about the people I will be working for, my interviews are a minimum of 1 1/2 hours simply because we get sidetracked talking about church and our faith. :) I feel a peace about this position, so today I will be calling and accepting the offer. God hasn't shown me a reason not to. So Friday will be the two week notice to Poopy Friends (Little Friends for those of you who don't know my humor)

Last night was the first night I went to an all women's small group that a few of us are starting. It will be small and simple, we are going to be reading a devotional and I can't tell you how exicited I am. I've been praying about an opportunity like this to come along for a while (seeing as I'm not married or seeing anyone seriously I knew the only small group I was interested in wouldn't work out.)

I've been delivered from so many things in my life but mainly old feelings and old temptations. God has opened my eyes to let me see the truth in situations and I feel very blessed. It's interesting I read that Satan not only produces thoughts, but he can produce feelings as well. Another deliverance would be from the 'party scene'. I had no desire to be there. It was fun being with the people I love this weekend, but as the night grew later I grew more disgusted. Guys coming to hit on me when I was clearly sober...it was just gross. For those of you who ask, I did have one glass of wine this weekend. I prayed about it and justified it and through it all have no conviction. I don't feel the need to explain it through blogging, but if you wonder how, you can ask in person. :)

My car is still working (keeping it always in my prayers to continue), as of February 22 my second credit card will be paid off. That leaves one left! The list goes on and on about how God has been working in my life. I hope this is the uphill climb that never faces down.

PS: This is my 200'th blogpost. Happy 200 to me.

A Booze-free Me

2008-02-05T11:08:00.000-08:00

This year I'm participating in Lent. I've never done it before, and for some reason it was easy for me to decide what to sacrifice. Not that drinking is a problem for me, because it's not. I felt that in any social situation there is always the temptation to have a beer, or glass of wine if it's with my lady friends. As of tomorrow I will have the strength to turn down that drink, because I'm giving up alcohol for Lent.

Yes, I was disappointed when I found out Lent starts tomorrow. Simply because my sorority sisters are coming into down for a reunion, and I know there would have been social drinking. I originally thought it was the second week of February. I could skip a drink on Valentine's Day (contrary to how depressed you probably think I would be) :) Just kidding side note: I'm actually extremely happy.

The thought to change my sacrifice quickly ran through my mind only because I know how hard this weekend will be for me. But then I thought about all the temptations Jesus experienced and He could do it. So, starting tomorrow there will be a booze-free Leslie.

Life is good.

One year...bittersweet

2008-01-29T18:11:00.000-08:00

I sat here tonight with a good friend talking about the strength God is giving me in my heart. I'm facing challenges with confidence and really feel the need to be alone. I really feel I am in a place that I shouldn't be dating, no matter what my heart desires. God is blessing me with a lot of 'new' opportunities.

It was then I was going through my Bible and I found a list of things I was praying for a year ago. It's bittersweet.

2/19/07
-my bills paid
-my car fixed (don't remember what was wrong then)
-a new computer/computer fixed
-I want to love & be needed as well as to love and need in return
-to be comfortable with giving all control to God
-financial peace/security
-to love people unconditionally
-patience for my future

For those of you who have been keeping up with my blogs or my life in general, almost a year later I'm still praying for every single one of those things. I remember exactly where I was when I laid all of that in front of God, and it hits home today. I'm not sure what to think. God has blessed me in different ways and this past year a lot of these prayers have been answered. But how strange that they ALL fall true again.

Too tired for God.

2008-01-29T15:20:00.001-08:00

The Holy Spirit has been present in my heart these past few weeks. I've had a desire to worship at various times throughout the day but I find my heart mostly prepared for learning at night. I read a chapter in a book, or the Bible, and I go to bed.

Now, I've gotten back into my 'grandma' routine of going to bed at 9:30ish. I can't seem to wake up in the morning. I've skipped the gym all last week and I have yet to go this week. I can't seem to find the energy. My workout plan had a solid focus of taking care of the body God gave me. Yet I can't drag myself out of bed in the mornings to do so?

Besides my personal growth with God at night, during the day I seem bogged down. My energy level is shot and I find this prevents me from genuinely caring for others. I think about being quite and reserved instead of starting conversations that could lead to an explanation of my faith or a deep conversation with my co-workers. I drink coffee in the morning and some sort of caffeine in the afternoon but nothing seems to help. I'm exhausted.

Any advice on what could perk me up? I don't want to be too tired for God's work.

Duh.

2008-01-25T15:47:00.001-08:00

It's been a long time coming. I've earnestly prayed on my face before God for peace, and only temporarily received it. Trust me, I don't have it yet. But God has pointed me in the direction I'm supposed to take to gain it. Regardless of what my friends have suggested, I'm taking direction into my own hands.

With humility comes obedience.

PS: I needed to blog, sorry so vague.

The Moment of Truth

2008-01-24T16:33:00.000-08:00

Last night I decided to keep FOX tuned in after American Idol to catch a bit of the premier of "The Moment of Truth". Talk about a horrible show.

The theme of this show is the more questions you answer truthfully, the more money you get. A lie-detector test proves a truth or a lie. The clincher about this show is that your family and friends are sitting in the front row. The questions get more personal, and more detrimental to your relationships. Last night a former pro-football player got asked the following questions, "If your wife started to get a flabby stomach would you recommend liposuction?" and "Are you waiting to having children with your wife because you doubt she's your life partner?" He answered yes to both questions. Can you imagine being his wife?

There have been many times where I have faced that moment of truth in my life. Luckily I have the opportunity to explain myself. I have a feeling that this TV show will be the death of a lot of relationships.

Steamboat Springs, Colorado.

2008-01-22T17:31:00.000-08:00

My legs are bruised, my rear end hurts to sit, and my neck strains to keep upright. All in all, I think my trip to Colorado was a success.

Most of you may know me, and may wonder to yourself, "Does Leslie even ski?" Well folks, I'd like to say that I've spent the last few days snowboarding, or pretending to. I had to admit the sad reality to my friends last night though, I doubt I will be able to be the hot snowboarding wife anytime soon. :(

I love taking trips with Young Life because not only do I get to spend time with my highschool friends, but it's also time for me to get away from my life and for God to speak to me. I needed Him. Oh, did I need Him. The wipeouts, the muscle exhaustion, the frustration, and just the plain confusion of life, I called on God alot. My rough language was only used on the first day. And, no there were no YL kids around-I asked him to leave. :) I decided to go off on my own the second and third day. That way I was able to enjoy God's creation instead of pushing myself down the hill. How beautiful.

I've realized some things on this trip, which I'm sure I'll post about later. Thankfully, after a 42 hour combined bus ride, a trip to the hospital, 3 days of full snow exposure, fast food for 4 days straight, and a relaxing hot springs excursion, I'm glad to be back.

PS: I had my initial interview with Northwestern Mutual today. Yes, an hour after I got home. I'm on to phase 2.

Hi God.

2008-01-16T09:56:00.000-08:00

So I've been absolutely exhausted the past two weeks. It's different starting a job that my every minute is consumed with work. Chasing after little kids, straining to keep them happy, and then when things calm down getting thrown into pre-school to keep me on my toes. This weekend I got to watch Lyza, which I always love, but kept me in the 'work mode'.

Monday I had a melt down. I am okay with saying that, because I look at it as a growing experience. My faith was strong, but I was so exhausted. I was looking at my finances to fix my car, I literally did NOT know where it would come from. I would have to use a credit card, and it's taken me SO long to get where I am (On my way out of debt that is.) I am mentally preparing myself for the Young Life ski-trip this weekend. I have been fighting a sickness since before Christmas. I was just not okay.

Then God stepped in. I was on my way to the Brown's to borrow their car that night, which they have so graciously let me have a majority of this past month. Something happened. Typically, with my car stuck in 4x4 low, I had to drive under 15mph (even on the highway-with hazards on) to prevent shaking and loud noises. I looked down and I was going 45mph. My car is out of 4-wheel drive! For the first time since December 23rd! I didn't fix it, and it's not like a body that can fix itself, it was God. I decided to forge the river and drive to Morton! It was the smoothest ride I've had.

I am so thankful for my working car and I am also thankful for a 16-hour bus ride to CO this weekend to catch up on my sleep!

Old Balls.

2008-01-13T17:32:00.001-08:00

Whenever you have a birthday, there is ALWAYS that person who asks the cliche question, "Do you feel any older?" I have yet to feel older, until today. (Sorry if the title of this post offends anyone)

There was a group of girls that I got really close with the 4 years of college. We are all doing our own thing now, and it's actually an effort to get together. Whether its teaching, working, studying, our lives are on different schedules. I was talking with my friend Emily (who recently got engaged and is building a house with her fiance in Florida which will be done in September) and I got excited. Her life seems to be moving into the 'next stage'. She's a teacher with a fabulous ring (trust me, I'm saving the picture on my phone for my future hubby) and she's in the process of building her home. It was then through saying the typical "We really need to get together sometime soon, all of us" that great news was broken to me. One of our other college friends MOVED TO PEORIA yesterday.

Katie McGurn was the girl freshman year that didn't waste anytime getting to know anyone. She's the country club girl from the suburbs that liked to have fun. She was actually the one who taught me to walk correctly in stiletto heels. It's funny because Katie was the girl who thought Peoria smelled and thought townies were trashy. Throughout the years my appreciation for Katie has grown immensely and our relationship has blossomed. She attended my baptism and I took a pit-stop over Christmas to the McGurn household. Our conversations make it seem like no time was spent apart. And come to find out she took a job with CAT and lives 2 minutes away from me! My heart was racing and words can't describe how excited I am. She told me tonight, "I've been crying for days, I mean who knew I'd actually come back to Peoria"

Our lives are all changing, but regardless of where we are, these 6 girls always have my heart. Time will only tell where God will have each of us, but I am so excited to start "girls retreat weekends", bridal showers, baby showers, and just continue to grow with one another.

God-thank you for amazing friends.

Ethan Michael

2008-01-10T11:05:00.001-08:00

My heart is heavy. My poor little nephew was admitted to the hospital yesterday.If you can remember about a year ago in October my sister had to deliver Ethan 2 months early due to complications. Ethan has been a fighter his whole life. Overcoming the premature lungs he was born with, the various colds, tests, allergies, bronchitis, pneumonia, and also tubes in his ears. Although still skinny as a twig, he is growing and developing like he should with a personality just like his aunt!

Ethan has had a fever the past few days and regardless of anything they give him, it won't break. Turns out he has pneumonia again and is short of breath.

As I was driving home last night I broke into tears. I know God is in control, but for some reason it doesn't give me peace. Ethan is a strong little baby, he's made it this far. He is an answer to much prayer and a crucial turning point in my life. Ethan's saved life is a huge impact on my strong faith. It worries me because if he were to stop fighting through all this sickness, my life would be forever changed.

I just ask that all of you please pray for strength for Ethan and my sister's family. He could be just fine in a few days, I just feel extremely heavy-hearted right now. Nothing matters more to me then my little baby (ies).

CLARIFICATION-I just wanted to clear up something from my previous post. When I said I expect money in cards, I didn't mean ALL cards, just from family. :) And only because it seemed like growing up whenever I got a card, it had something in it.

Who I am..

2008-01-08T19:23:00.001-08:00

God's been showing me who I should be. Today I've really evaluated who I am and it saddens me.

I'm the person who is trained to expect money in birthday cards.
I am ungrateful for gifts, although lame at times, still not ok.
I cry when my plans get changed all because a restaurant is closed on Tuesdays.
I act like I'm better than others.
I don't show appreciation very well to others.
I'm selfish.

I've learned tonight that although I like the image of the person I want to become, I don't like who I am. I'm 23 years old, it's time to start thinking of people BESIDES myself.

I want to thank my friends from the bottom of my heart for coming out to celebrate my birthday tonight. I promise, at 24 I'll be less bitter, I hope.

Lots of love.

New Start

2008-01-07T17:09:00.000-08:00

Today is the day where my life gets back on track. I have had a wonderful month of nothing but being on my face in front of God. Completely humbled. I strive daily to shape my heart to reflect God. A verse I have been reflecting on is Phil 4:2 "Be humble and gentle. Be patient. Bear onto others the gift of love."

I was able to begin my routine back again. Life was interrupted the second half of 2007, but it is now back on schedule and it feels great! I went to the gym at 6am, came home made coffee and breakfast and was able to sit and watch the news before going to work at 8am. My day went by so quickly because I did not have to find things to do to bide my time. Hours of training and playing with little babies took over my first day. Plus, I got to go home early! It was so nice to come home, cook dinner and just relax. My social life will be changing and I will yet again be the grandma, but I'm okay with that. I don't need to be a social butterfly, thats what college was for. Time to grow up.

God is going to do great things in 2008. I have a peace about my life and am so excited for what is in store. I am continually being faithful and daily working on being selfless.

Amen!

A year in review...

2008-01-02T10:53:00.000-08:00

Tears of gratitude and amazement fill my eyes when I think of my walk this past year. Justin I'm copying your 'strategy' of reflection...

January-
I was in a relationship that was not God centering, this was the month where conviction sank in. I started following God and took a leap of faith to quit my job to start Independence Media.

February-
The relationship ended and I got into my first car accident. As I emptied out my heart to make a new home for God depression sank in.

March-
The old had gone and I started whole-heartily towards God. I started working out and released the depression I had held onto. Life was beginning.

April-
Just busy with finishing up my senior service project for PARC. What an amazing experience of service.

May-
GRADUATION! It was something I'd be waiting for 4 long years. What a great transition to close a destructive chapter and begin a fruitful journey.

June-
Young Life camp. Wonderful yet again.

July-
California. The trip that changed my life. I found God's true beauty not only in California, but in my heart.

August-
I started my full-time job and took a wonderful trip to Florida with Gina, Summer and Molly.

September-
I had a great baptism ceremony. Work began to get rocky.

October-
Pretty lame month. Same struggles just more self development.

November-
I was in my first Christian relationship. God used this for my heart and I'm so grateful. Work sucked so I quit my job. I took a huge leap of faith in pretty much every area of my life. I found a church that speaks to me and I have a desire to be apart of more.

December-
I have had the opportunity in unemployment to grow new and old friendships. Search myself and grow in ways that I never knew.

The major theme I have found over the past year is that regardless of what goes on in my life God uses each situation to create me into the woman of God I need to be. I've been so blessed beyond belief! I'm excited to what God has in store for 2008. New year = New beginnings. The change I've seen in just a year causes much anticipation for 2008.

Thoughts...

2007-12-30T17:47:00.001-08:00

God is great. I don't know what it has been the past few days but my life is at peace. Here is why..

Great friends. I can't stress it enough how blessed I am to have the people in my life that I do. Wonderful conversations and growing deeper with new friends has changed my life.

I got a job at Little Friends daycare in Peoria. I start January 7th. I'm excited because I will be a teacher for a 6 weeks-12 months classroom. This means I get to love on little ones all day. :) My feeling is this will either tide my baby-jones phase until later or make it even worse, but I'm willing.

Although I found out that my transmission didn't go out but my transfer case was stuck in neutral in my car, I will still need a new shift motor for my 4x4 and a new module to control it. To fix it will cost a little under $1,000. I should be upset or worried or something, but I'm not. Tomorrow will be judgement day when I figure out what to do, either get it fixed or continue working on the plan I started two weeks ago to trade in my car.

I've released burdens, found peace, and today's message at Harvest really related to me. Jeff Donaldson from Chicago's Harvest spoke about really trusting God. He made a clarification between suffering (what Jesus went through) and life disappointments (mostly what we disguise as suffering). A busted computer, a broke down car, crappy job, etc etc has nothing on the price and true suffering that Jesus went through.

Thoughts...

2007-12-30T17:47:00.000-08:00

Shout outs..

2007-12-28T09:08:00.000-08:00

Okay so the past few days I have realized the importance of friendship. When you fall flat on your face for God, friends are what get you back on your feet. I have had too many friends to mention that have been here for me offering support, breakfast, or prayers, but there are a few that need to be thanked.

1. Kevin Sletten. I don't know anyone else who would let me drive their 2006 Audi A4 quattro (I think that means really fast in Spanish). I will admit that I did feel cool/hot driving it. So not only was it a source of transportation for me but a boost in self confidence.

2. My mom. Not only did she drive to Bloomington on Sunday to pick me up, but she let me borrow her car after I returned the Sletten mobile. I did have to run an errand for her, but for the sake of her sacrifice of staying at home, I did it without a problem.

3. Cory Brown. Thanks for letting me drive your sweet ride. I just would like to say how impressed I was when starting the car and having Power 92.3 blaring some rap. But the best experience I have had so far in the Accord is the flashback I had to 2002 when I heard the Avril Lavigne CD in slot #3. Taking me back to Junior year when I had my Honda and was pissed off at the world and would sing Avril at the top of my lungs. Thanks for that sweet memory Cory Brown.

4. Dan Bobbitt and Brandon Cruse are probably my heroes right now. In the rain, and freezing cold these two men of God hand-cranked my Ford Explorer onto a flatbed. They towed my car from Blooomington to East Peoria. It took longer than expected causing Brandon to be two hours late for work. I appreciate you boys and your muscles.

For everyone who has offered support, words of kindness, your cars, your prayers or even just your company, I thank you. It is because of the great people I have surrounding me that I am somewhat sane. God has me exactly where He wants me, and I look forward to what I'm in store for.

Broken.

2007-12-23T08:24:00.000-08:00

So the past few days it's been getting harder and harder to hear the fact that I am unemployed. I don't know where God wants to use me, and I feel useless. I know I wasn't supposed to be at Independence, so I'm faithful in following, I just feel irresponsible.

Well although we joked about me being 'single and unemployed' the other night, we can add something else in the mix. I am staring out the window at my car that is parked crooked in front of my sisters house. It technically wasn't parked there, but we had to push it there this morning because my transmission went out.

Good thing I have a well-paying job that can pay for the tow truck back to Peoria, a new transmission, Christmas gifts for my niece and nephew, rent, cell phone bills, credit cards, car payment, and gas that have to be bought/paid for this week :)

God, I'm broken. So is my car.

Feminine Beauty..

2007-12-20T10:05:00.000-08:00

I've decided to start reading "Captivating" again. I read it in highschool, but I have found that it means so much more to me now. My heart resonates with desire. About a month ago I felt desired... even beautiful.

Typically I'm the girl you can have a beer with and watch the game, the girl with a foul mouth, the one who will get competitive in sports, plain and simple..the girl that gets treated like one of the guys. I have never been the girl that guys seek. Maybe it's because I'm so assertive that I push people away. Who knows, but whatever it is I feel it changing.

(Disclaimer to all of my guy friends: I will still be the one who'd prefer to watch football then do the dishes)

God is preparing me for something. Just not sure what.

To be domestic, I decided to bake cookies from scratch today for a shin-dig tonight. Well, let's just say Strike 1. I used cold butter instead of soft, the consistency was too dry. The dough was too sticky to use the cute snowman cookie cutter, so I made balls. The cookies tasted alright, but looked like hockey-pucks. I was embarrassed, and threw them away. Looks like I'll be swinging by Kroger today. :)

My sincerest apologies

2007-12-19T12:06:00.000-08:00

I just would like to make a public apology to all my loyal blog readers. Due to a broken computer I get electrocuted everytime I try to turn my computer on. It has lasted throughout college and I know it's time to upgrade. But I will have to make due until I can afford that expense. Therefor I have to get online at friends houses in order to keep updated on my 'internet involvement.'

I apologize to all you stay-at-home mothers or workers that escape their day by reading and checking blogs. I hope to get my computer fixed soon and be back in action.

Trust me, God's been doing a lot and I could post for days!

Evan Almighty.

2007-12-11T08:58:00.001-08:00

Last night the roommates and I settled in and watched Evan Almighty. I've never seen it, but have heard good things about it.

The story was about Noah building the Arc, and how "Evan Almighty" had to leave everything to follow God and build this Arc. This was weird to his family, co-workers, community, etc. Everyone watched him and when God appeared to not be around, Evan stuck to his faith knowing God would provide.

Sounds a little like my journey right now. I can imagine everyone around me thinking I'm ridiculous for quitting my professional job for nothing. But I will be like Noah, and build my Arc regardless of what people think. God will be there.

The Right to be Right...

2007-12-10T18:18:00.000-08:00

Some of you may know this about me, but I am very prideful when it comes to knowing things. I have experienced a lot, which allows me to know,or think I know answers to questions or situations that some may not. When searching my heart on Sunday at Harvest to find what I really need to surrender to God, this didn't come up. Although it was a choice in a list of issues many struggle with, I didn't think it was me. Control, yes. Job, haha YES. Relationship, you get the picture. But not the right to be right.

I have to be right on a lot of things. Maybe it's from my childhood always being in competition with my sisters, but if I know the answer to something you better believe I will stick to my guns to prove I'm right. Heck, I even correct my grammar in group prayers just to be right. That one time a year when I'm wrong (thats a joke..) I will admit it hesitantly. But even if someone backs down, I will still prove I'm right.

Pride is an awful thing. As I think about surrendering my right to be right I relate it to current issues I'm clinging to. As foolish as it may sound, I thought for once I was in a "real" relationship. I even told people just how real I thought it was. My heart was changing and there was no shred of doubt in my mind that it wouldn't last. As it has clearly been overwith for 3 weeks I have been clinging to that ounce of hope...why?

Maybe it's because I'm too prideful to admit I was wrong.

Vacation..

2007-12-06T06:43:00.000-08:00

So as of yesterday, I am no longer required to go to Independence Media. I was told "Today is your last day." It was a very emotional discharge - on my managers part not mine. There was something he asked me to do, I did it, but not the way he wanted, and in his exact words, "I am making the executive decision that today is your last day." I said, "Okay."

I think he thought it would be an awkward situation for me. In reality, the only akward thing was him sitting there staring at me while I packed my stuff. (which he awkwardly suggested I do) Went around and gave hugs, said thanks to the other manager, and took my box and left. It felt like I was getting fired. But then I remembered I quit first.

Long story short, I get paid until next Friday. Thanks Independence Media for a week and a half paid vacation as a parting gift, thats nice.

Peace.

2007-12-05T07:38:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was talking with a friend about some theological issues. I love being challenged to search deep in my heart why I believe things or why I do what I do. Last night I was searching for clarity in one of my many situations.

Recognizing the huge leap of faith I am taking when it comes to my work situation, I was wondering why my life in other areas wasn't reflecting that faith. Why was work good enough to give to God but not relationships? I seemed to NEED clarity on that issue.

So what it all boils down to, is that regardless of where I am in life, how stupid my friends think I am, my whole life has jumped. :)

and i have peace.

I'm a follower...

2007-12-03T05:48:00.000-08:00

So I did it, I decide to jump not knowing where God would have me land. I gave my two weeks notice this morning at Independence Media. I know God wants me to be in a different, not so hostile environment.

The past 6 months God has been doing amazing things in my life. I feel 100% confident that this is what I am supposed to do. I don't necessarily have anything planned after the 2 weeks, but I will continue to be diligent and obedient.

It's funny, after the individual one-on-one meetings this morning, everyone has walked out and given me a hug, or said "I envy you". When I have been asked what my reasoning was, or what I will be doing, I have the opportunity to witness to all I work with. Taking a leap and admitting that I really don't know what I'm doing afterwards, but that "God will provide" or "I need to be in an environment that supports my faith" really puts peace in my heart.

God, I jumped.

Leap of Faith..

2007-11-29T06:21:00.000-08:00

I've been really wrestling with something God has weighed on my heart. Some of you may remember a vague blog post a few posts back, well it's the same situation.

I feel led to make a change in my life, a huge change. God has and is shaping my heart for change. With so much confusion I have yet to make a decision. There are obvious 'things' in my life that cause huge concern. The words came out of my mouth yesterday, "I'm standing at the edge and I'm ready to jump, just waiting for God to tell me north, south, east, or west."

Is that really a leap of faith?

Last night at Northwoods (Charlie this is kudos to you)was a sermon I definitely needed to hear.

-> Following obediently means following God knowing He's with you everystep of the way.
-> God has done it before, He can do it again.
-> We need to play all-in when it comes to God's will
-> We shouldn't just sit on the bank and let God clear the way before we head into the unknown.
-> Sometime God waits for us to take that leap before opening doors.

HMMMMM.....Should I jump?

On 10.

2007-11-28T14:11:00.001-08:00

Today I came to a horrible realization that was definately 'blogworthy'. Every Wednesday Summer Molly and I go to Richwoods for lunch to hang out with our Young Life friends. It does give a sense of comfortability seeing friendly faces of teachers & administration. But today I had a horrible realization of how old I really was.

In the terazzo there was a bake sale today. My friend Kelsey told me that on the announcements this morning the bake sale was supposed to be 'on ten'. This didn't seem right to me. So I said, "On 10 tables? Wow they were way off, it's only on 1." BUT supposedly 'On 10' is a new slang phrase for "The Bomb" or "The S***".

I try to pride myself of being hip or up to date on things. This was the first time in my life my age showed. Wow.

A light in this world...

2007-11-27T07:11:00.000-08:00

Sometimes there are things I just don't understand. As the weather has been getting colder and the sky getting darker, it seems as though gloom is all around me. I ache for my friends.

Coming in to work this morning I got some awful news. A girlfriend of a radio personality was in a car accident, she's in the hospital awaiting surgery but her brother passed away. This is the second loss she has experienced within a year; her father passed away in March.

Last week my friend's grandfather passed away, and I have heard of many relationships breaking up. With all of this gloom, to be a light in this world is a constant effort. I don't have reasons, but because I'm a Christian people ask me, "see why does this happen.." and I feel like I should know.

My heart goes out to all who ache. I pray that my faith will give comfort to others.